My dad keeps asking for things we know he can’t have. How do we keep him from obsessing about these things? I’m his DPOA for health and finance. He can’t have his address/phone books because he calls people with his confabulated stories and they don’t know he has Alzheimer’s. He wants his hassock, but can’t have it because he fell off it while climbing on it to reach the top of his closet at the other facility . (We’ve brought everything down to his reach and gave him our recliner that has a footrest.) He wants his nail clippers even though the memory care facility he is at gives him manicures, pedicures and haircuts. (At the previous facility he was given scissors and he was found cutting up clothes in an attempt to modify his clothing. We bought him new clothes and took away the scissors.) He wants us to take him back to his home and business but he is physically and mentally not able to care for any of it or himself. His sister and brother-in-law bought him lotto tickets over the holidays. He insist they are winning tickets (they are worthless), hides them, can’t find them, then accuses me of stealing all of his money. He’s convinced that I’ve spent all of his money on us. We don’t need his money and would never use it for ourselves. We use his money to pay for his memory care facility he’s at, his personal needs like incontinence supplies, clothing (he’s gained healthy weight and needed all new pants), bills, divorce attorney fees, and accountant fees, etc. It’s been so stressful cleaning up all the messes he’s created over the past few years but we can’t share all the details with him because it creates such anxiety and confusion in him. He can’t rationalize and his demands are taking a toll on me. I’d like to visit with him but it seems that my presence seems to make him think of all the things he can no longer manage. When I don’t visit, because I’m taking care of all of his stuff, his mind works overtime and he calls me accusing me of taking his things. I’ve worked so hard to get him the medical attention, safe living arrangements he so desperately needed and fixing all of the messes he’s created. I’ve always had his best interest at heart and I’ve never ever given him any reason to distrust me. It’s so hurtful. I’ve spoken with the director at his new facility and they are increasing activities and working with him when he wants to call me with demands. His moderate cognitive decline, OCD and anxiety is taking a toll on me. I fear that it’s only going to get worse. Anyone else dealing with this? Suggestions?
First, take away his phone. Talk to the staff about calming meds. My dad is sweet as pie to my face then when I’m gone he goes nuts yelling about me stealing his money, then he gets agitated because he can’t find his car.
The doc and staff at his AL are upping his med level so they can handle him and keep him safe. He was swinging at people a few weeks ago.
Your Dad and mine are never going to be happy and may go to their graves thinking we are stealing their money.
When we get to this point with dementia there’s really no other way. We just have to mitigate it as best we can.
My own Mom who was always the dearest, sweetest person I knew was upset with me cause I kept her purse with all her I D, credit cards etc. It was for her own safekeeping that I held on to it but her poor, addled brain could not grasp that and nor would I expect it to.
Before my LO got on the meds, I tried to stay ahead of her questions and obsessions. So, I had a topic or change of subject ready at all times. So, all of the obsessive questions, demands, etc., were just put aside as I focused on taking her out for a stroll, making her a snack and asking her questions. I had a lot of questions for her and that got her to stop obsessing and think of other things just for minute. Still, it's difficult. There is really no way to remedy it. Just make up your mind in advance that you can't fix it all and get him what he wants, because, it's just not possible, so don't be so hard on yourself.
One thing that I did for when she would be worried and upset was tell her that I had already remedied the matter. That I had made the phone call, spoken with the person and all was well. I even took balloons and treats so we could celebrate how everything had been taken care of to her benefit. She was so relieved. She would thank me profusely and then be ok. Of course, she didn't know what was wrong and would forget in minutes that it happened, but, in the moment, she felt better. That's all we can do sometimes, is try to make it work just for the moment.
So, when you dad asks for his things, you can say yes you will bring later or will try to find it later. If he happens to remember you saying you will bring it, you can say those things were in boxes/storage and you need to go find them.
As for the 'winning' lottery tickets, maybe you can give him $5, $10 for his winning, if that would stop him from asking again.
Will he still understand if you show/tell him the cost of attorney, facility, etc, and that his money was used to pay those things? Just don't give him too much details that he gets confused.
As for his requests to go back home and business, besides stalling, I don't have any other suggestion. Maybe someone can come up with better ways to redirect or distract him.
Good luck. And let us know what works for you.
I am NOT suggesting you dope him up. I had to put my DH on Zoloft and he's not all doped up, he just isn't obsessing anymore.
However I find starting the visit with a positive like bringing a treat drink or a favourite cookie or a new shirt etc helps - I bring in addition a manicure set & change her nail polish etc because she gets her hands in warm water to soak just as a manicurist does but then I know she has super clean hands when I leave
Now my mom looks at me with a smile & joy because she associates me with pleasure - I am the one who brings small treats like a drink that I get at Tim's which they do for me in the drive through of 1/2 hot chocolate & 1/2 decaf coffee - I buy pretty napkins & bring them for her use because she always loved cute napkins - this is a version of Pavlov's dog & takes time & effort but it will start bringing the edge off of the acrimony of the visits
Not every specific idea will work but look to what he took pleasure in - even a special mini dessert or anything he doesn't get where he is now - sit with him & share it ... this is important because the sharing seems to develope a bond & a comradeship that makes you more equal to him & vise versa - he will loose this argumentive stage eventually but by then hopefully he will see you as "THE ONE WHO BRINGS ME JOY"
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