Ok, so after my dad passed in 2014 my mom could no longer care for herself...ie. Laying in bed all day drinking excessively (even more than when I was a kid) so we moved in and sold our home to care for her. 2 years in she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer metastatic to the brain. Okay 3 radiations and 3 chemos it's been stable for over a year now. Ok so now the CONSTANT obsession with pain is beginning, drinking stopped the day she had seizures & now she looks for any reason to complain, calls the town and tells on neighbors, she looks for drama everywhere she can find it, refuses to leave home. Wants CONSTANT pitty and coddling my grandma, her mom will come to visit and feed her like she is 2 its unbelievable! I am truly having a very difficult time caring for the one who never cared for me. But now that you have some background, I should say her physicians are very uninterested in her "pain" she has had every test commonly known to the medical community with no negative results. Every pill she is given (non narcotic) doesn't work! I am wondering is this from the brain tumor making her think she is in pain or is she looking for sympathy?
I have a husband, a 13 year old and a house we are remodeling, I don't have time for pitty parties and I dont really feel sorry for her at all...please help me, am I being the nasty one? She has been babied and pampered her entire life to the point of having zero maternal instinct! Thank god I didn't follow in her footsteps! I do feel concern for my fellow man and I don't want her to be eaten from the inside out by some type of disease. So I do feel the need to advocate for someone who may have mental disability...IF it's real so I need opinions the more honest the better! Thank you all
Thanks to each and every one of you once again! Thank ypu all for listening to my rant! I am so thankful to you all for the help all of you have given such wonderful advise, May you ALL be blessed!!
I would look into obtaining Power of Attorney if your mom is still competent to appoint you. It sounds like she is probably going to need Assisted Living if she is getting paranoid, refusing to leave the house and needs assistance with eating. Not to mention whatever physical disability might have been caused by the brain tumor.
You sound like a great daughter in wanting to advocate for your mom, but being a sole 24/7 caregiver, especially to a parent with physical and mental disabilities, is really too much for one person. You'll get burned out quickly. I know, I tried. I ended up placing my mom in a facility because I was getting severely burned out and it was taking a toll on my physical and mental health. She still gets good care, it just doesn't have to be me 24/7.
My mom and dad were alcoholics in my childhood also. I'm an only child. My mother "got pregnant" in her mid 30's, thinking she couldn't have kids, so it really put a cramp in her life. She was narcissistic so motherhood was not her "thing" (takes the attention off her onto me) and she resented it.
Signs of a narcissist;
Grandiose sense of self-importance, Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur, Needs constant praise and admiration, Sense of entitlement, Exploits others without guilt or shame, Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others. Sound familiar?
My mom was very self centered and "cool" but I had everything I needed. Mom and Dad divorced when I was 5. (They only got married because she was pregnant). They physically fought when they were drunk. I remember hiding behind the bed with my teddy bear (I still have him 56 years later).
My involvement with my mother as an adult was limited until she showed signs of dementia. Then there was no one to make the right decisions and finally place her in a memory facility, after a brief stint living at our house. It sounds like I feel about my mom like you do, I need to be the responsible one, getting things done, with limited emotional feelings.
About the "pain", my mom has had "severe headaches" daily since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She has a tiny, benign brain tumor but the brain surgeon says that would NOT cause her pain. I did some research and found that the dementia itself can be blamed for the "pain", as it is perceived.
In your mom's case, there is a condition called alcoholic dementia; (from website Verywellmind.com)
Excessive drinking over a period of years may lead to a condition known as alcoholic dementia which can cause problems with memory, learning, and other cognitive skills.
Alcohol has a direct effect on brain cells, resulting in poor judgment, difficulty making decisions, and lack of insight. Nutrition problems which often accompany long-time alcohol abuse can be another contributing factor, since parts of the brain may be damaged by vitamin deficiencies.
Alcoholic dementia is similar in some ways to Alzheimer’s disease in that it affects memory and cognitive ability. Also, like Alzheimer's, once alcoholic dementia develops it is difficult or impossible to reverse.
Also, about the brain tumor (from Mayo Clinic);
People may experience:
Headache: can be persistent or severe
Muscular: difficulty walking, muscle weakness, problems with coordination, weakness of one side of the body, or weakness of the arms and legs
Whole body: balance disorder, dizziness, fatigue, or vertigo
Gastrointestinal: nausea or vomiting
Sensory: pins and needles or reduced sensation of touch
Cognitive: inability to speak or understand language or mental confusion
Speech: difficulty speaking or impaired voice
Also common: blurred vision, personality change, seizures, or sleepiness
No, you are not being nasty. I know better than many how difficult it is to be nice to a parent that didn't want the job. You are being responsible but you're not going to take any cr*p. Your mom may or may not have "real" pain. I'm sure the doctors know her history with addiction and are very reluctant to give her any addicting (narcotic) substance. Usually, when people have pain, they become quiet and slightly withdrawn. If your mom is making a big deal out of it, maybe it is to gain sympathy. A narcissist will take attention any way they can get it. Pain brings compassion, attention and pity. They eat it up.
Sounds to me like your mom exhibits narcissistic traits, making it very hard to deal with her personality. Also the resentment of having to raise yourself and now, having to care for the very person who didn't do that for you, but feeling "responsible" for her, can give very mixed feelings.
We both are the responsible kids and will do "the right thing". Hang in there, come back.
Choices have consequences and if one is coddled and given a pass on their narcissistic behavior, well, you get more of the same.
You are not awful for not wanting to give up your families life to care for someone who has proven she only cares about herself. I'm surprised that you moved in to care for her.
She has choices to make based on your decisions about where you go from here, she is not a child, has stability in her health, she will need to decide what her future looks like. Beware, she will guilt trip you if she is not the center of every decision, if it's not about her, it's not about anything.
I would think that her pain is real, getting old can cause lots of aches and pains, when you are liquored up you don't feel them much, now she is sober she probably does feel her age. That's life, unfortunately.
Stay strong and talk with your husband about where your family heads from here.
Grandma has some issues as well. Treating your grown daughter like a 2 year old is proof. But Grandma probably believes her daughter is in excruciating pain. But, if she’s cognizant enough to spy on and report the neighbors, she can’t be that far gone. I wonder what kind of reputation she has in town.
Speak frankly with her doctors. Hopefully your name is on her HIPPA forms so they can also speak frankly with you. You need to know exactly what her diagnoses and prognosis is so you can react accordingly. If the brain tumor is making her act like this, you may want to consider Hospice Care or even a nursing home. Grandma can feed her there, too. You shouldn’t have to give up years of your or your family’s life to take care of someone who, as you said, never took care of you. Maybe if you knew exactly what he situation is and whether her brain issues are making her act like this, it would make it easier to bear.