Why Don't the Experts Realize This?
So it wasn't on this site but on another help-for-seniors/caregivers-of site, and this well-meaning (but *OUT-OF-TOUCH*) expert wrote an article about how to help the elderly be less lonely. In this article, the expert used a lonely elderly woman as the example. Some of the tips suggested were: GET HER TO VOLUNTEER. Uhm, okay, she most likely doesn't drive (or shouldn't be driving) anymore; will you be the one to drive her to her volunteer job? Oh, she should take a taxi or Uber, you say? Will you pay for the taxis or Uber (if those are even available in her area; lot of areas they're not)? HAVE HER MOVE OUT OF WHEREVER SHE'S LIVING INTO AN INDEPENDENT LIVING OR SENIORS COMPLEX OF SOME KIND WHERE THEY HAVE NICE LITTLE GET-TOGETHERS & ACTIVITIES. All rightie, will you be paying for her to move & her rent? Because you see, around here, even just a decent apt. complex costs about $1,000/mo. & indep. living places? They start at $1,500-$2,000/mo. So who's gonna help her pay for that? You? And the biggest hurdle of all to her moving to somewhere where she'll be less lonely? Is she married? She is? Okay, you gonna help her get divorced (and pay for a good divorce atty.)? Because the stubborn old guy she's married to is 99 if not 100 percent of why she hasn't moved to somewhere less lonely. So speaking from a lonely old woman's experience, maybe you experts can start to see why "curing" loneliness is waaaaay harder, if not impossible, for way too many elderly.
So true! I am no longer allowed back to the examining room with my mother, so I don't hear what goes on (and, unfortunately, neither does my mother for at least some of it). So there are no instructions to me.
There has been one ER visit since the "you shall not talk to doctors edict." I did go back to the ER examining room (considering that next time I won't even do that, because the staff looks on relatives and free help; I don't want to be my mother's bathroom aide over and over). When they tried to have me sign the dischage instructions, I said my mother signs for everything herself. So I'm wondering if that will get rid of the expectations on me in the future for something more significant.
If not, and they still try to push after-care on me, for perhaps something more significant, I will say that I don't sign for my mother and that she lives alone and no, I am not available for her care. And stand firm (one of the MOST valuable things I've learned on this forum!).
I hope that in my mother's final days that my three brothers come and do their share. I hope we have the warning that time is short. Whatever it is, if it's that sort of a situation, she will be in a facility and I will not be expected to do 24/7 caregiving or vigils.
Now, in the final days of my mother's life, I feel differently. For one thing, I have support. Three of my four surviving sisters are here with me, and we are all caring for Mom as she lays dying in bed. This is the family caregiving I wanted and hoped to do when I moved down to Florida - not the 7+ years of imprisonment I experienced up till now. All those years of being nothing but an end to someone else's means - nobody should have to do that, and I continue to thing nobody should.
But, at 78 they slowed down at lot....by 85 they were no longer able to drive. No more energy for daily volunteer work.
Do not think that 68 years of age is what you can expect from 78 and 88. Most of the caregivers here are dealing with elderly much older than that, and much more frail.
She expected ME to do this, I'm sure. (PCP is from Nepal and went to medical school there; the Nepalese families take care of their elders, I read.) Well, NO, lady, I'm NOT doing it. Her daily "needs" would really be "wants." And she'd run me ragged.
I told my mother on the way home that the PCP said she needed more socialization. (My mother never heard this, although it was said in front of her.) She was offended, and said her telephone calls to people was socialization. She then said I was not to go back to the examining room with her anymore, because she didn't want them talking to me and not her.
So that's the way it's been. She's on her own with all of it. I'm just the Dummy Daughter Driver. I'm no longer signing the discharge instructions from ER visits, either. She is such a control freak that I'm giving her total control and will not be involved.
I have a bad relationship with my mother, and can barely stand to be around her. I shouldn't be doing any of her caregiving. I have drawn very strong boundaries.
I read somewhere that the US relies on unpaid caregiving by women for a large percentage of eldercare. These "experts" assume these women will come out of the woodwork to meet the ever-burgeoning population of elders? Ummm...NO.
Hence they know two thirds of diddly-squat about anything useful.
N.b. most invited professional contributors to AC are not guilty.
And to GAinPA who said, "Seems to me that feeling lonely is part of the whole experience of living longer and not dying young.", I'm starting to think you're right; scary thought but I'm afraid you're right.
They have no real world experience and really have no concept of the issues involved, or the incredible limitations.
And I agree the cost of senior living is waaay too much, I toured a new 55+ complex nearby that was really just apartments with zero amenities and rent was $2000, this is in an area where regular apts can still be had for under $1000.
Unfortunately to many experts have loads of theory and no practical experience, I mean how can a 35 year relate to being a senior. They don't even creak when they move yet.
I hope you find something that helps you not feel lonely, it is rampant in today's society. It seems that so few people even notice there are other humans on the planet.
Hugs 2 u!