I'm not a parent and I know parenting is not "easy" by any means, but I venture a guess that caring for an elderly relative full time is much more difficult.
The reason I'm asking this question is because my aunt said to me today that caring for three teenage daughters is the more difficult of the two scenarios (me being a live-in caregiver for grandma while working 2 jobs versus her bringing up 3 teenage daughters, plus having a multitude of pets, a house to maintain, and a husband to deal with).
While parenting is by no means "easy", I would say that caregiving is more difficult:
- an elderly person often cannot move on their own (i.e. wheelchair or bed bound). Moving an elderly person is far more difficult than moving a baby or small child- there's much more dead weight to deal with, and you can injure yourself or the elderly person.
- they may need help bathing
- they need help getting dressed
- Incontinence issues
- Memory problems
- the elderly are far more likely to fall or get sick. It's not like kids, where a toddler falls and bounces right back up and "awwwe so cute you went boom". No. If an elderly person falls, there is nothing "cute" about it. It's more like "oh $#*! Call 911!"
While there are some similarities between the two (feeding, dressing, diapers and trying to keep them entertained), at least kids are sort of adorable in the process. Elderly people not so much. This is definitely not my idea of a joyride by any stretch.
In all honesty, my aunt had some nerve to actually say that to me, and how I should "enjoy it while it lasts". Sometimes I wish she would take Grandma for a week and see how difficult it really is. She won't, because she already has an idea from ten years ago when grandma fell and she cared for her in her home for 3 months. Obviously, she has forgotten exactly how hard this really is. There is nothing "enjoyable" about watching someone you love waste away and slowly die right in front of you.
Nope, Crazy Aunt is just talking out of her arse. That's my guess.
Your aunt is saying things to make herself feel better. She has 3 daughters becoming more independent each day - she does not have to jump up to go to their room to see what they need. She is not wiping rear ends for them or the hubby all day long. They can make their own sandwich. They can help feed the animals. They do not require the 24/7 hands on care of an elderly person and she should certainly see that. If you are the granddaughter caring for g'ma, then even her daughters should be able to to 'enjoy it while it lasts' the same as you.
I think the main difference--having raised children and am now taking care of a relative with a paralytic stroke--is that most of the time babies and children grow up. If my relative was born to me he would now be nine years old. The chronicity and some of the decline is difficult to adjust to.
I am not a parent, but am an educator to children with autism. I have provide part time caretaking for my parents, but nothing as which you’re describing. It was more of driving, helping with chores, helping after surgeries, etc.
I tend to agree with you that having to care for an elderly parent is harder. Here is my rationale. Children (I’m assuming your aunt’s children are neurotypical) learn and grow. They learn, maintain generalize skills. Teaching these skills can be very difficult and daunting at times. It can try one’s patience to no end, and cause stress. But hopefully the results are for children to grow into productive adults. But there’s progress.
With elderly parents things are different. They are losing skills. It’s harder to reteach a skill to an adult which I’ve had to do with my dad who suffers memory problems. It requires so many more opportunities to utilize the skills and generalization is often a slow progress. And that’s even if you can reteach skills and under the best circumstances.
With the loss of skills comes increased stress for the caregiver. You are responsible for varied levels of care. But as time passes the levels become more and more complex. This could be physical like bathing, moving, dressing, feeding or emotional like entertaining, redirection of perseverating dialogue, ensuring validation of emotions, etc.
As for your aunt? She needs to remember if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. Or my fave from teaching.
THINK:
T - Is it true?
H - Is it honest?
I - Is it inspiring?
N - Is it necessary?
K - Is it kind?
I hope your situation will improve and your aunt will be more mindful of her comments.
A baby is easier to handle and depends on you for their care.
An adult/older adult has had years of Independence and has lived life on their terms. They're heavier, have their own mindset and have a since of Pride.
They know what they want, how they want it, and is able to say NO.
If this person is not willing to relinquish some of their Rights, life can be down right difficult.
As a Caregiver/Family caregiver you have to be able to detach your emotions when necessary. Make sure they're mentally and physically safe and exercise compassion, empathy, sympathy.
Take a much needed break from your caregiver roll, even if you have to arrange a stay in a care facility for your loved one.
Take care of the Need, not the want.
Kids can get dementia too. "Lysosomal Storage Disorders" (LSD) can cause some of the same symptoms as Alzheimer's.
Niemann-Pick Disease and Sanfilippo Syndrome are often called "Childhood Alzheimer’s” which are both storage disorders.
I am speaking from my experiences and views only- everyone sees things through their own lens. We've been blessed to have many family and family friends live to ripe old ages and be able to live on their own with good health and minimal oversight- the similarity I've seen with them is that they all stayed very active and engaged in their communities, etc., so this is not about that.
For my mother, she is like a child, but nothing keeps her entertained like it would with a small child. She's not interested in books, puzzles, nothing. She cannot entertain herself. Just wants to run back and forth to the bathroom all day long, watch TV, talk endlessly, go through tons of diapers and ask when her next meal or snack is going to be even when we are eating a meal or snack and doesn't like a whole lot of different foods. The repetitive questions are endless. If I leave for a bit- because she can be by herself for a few hours- she wants to know when I will be home so she can eat, knowing full well where all the food is. I am not mother-bashing, just venting in a safe space here with folks who understand. This all was brought on by her not wanting to do anything to help herself so I am more than just a little frustrated as I am the one now paying the price as is my family.
Anyway, caring for an elder is not the same as a child, except from what I have observed from my friends and family who have special needs children with severe needs. The messes are bigger, they are harder if not impossible to lift and/or move, if they have any kind of mind they are set in their ways, etc. They don't move forward with independence and skills, but go backwards. You also cannot just pick up and go with them. Many times they are unwilling to leave the house and will put up a fight if you try. There's more to it as well, but overall I say elder care is much more difficult. It's not something you really plan on doing like you plan on taking care of your children and/or pets as they are your responsibility from the start.
There may be folks who enjoy elder care and feel that caring for kids is tougher, but I feel at least with kids you are raising them to be responsible, independent adults and you are looking towards their future, so there is hope and excitement. With an elder, you are watching them decline, which is very difficult. There is no hope and excitement. When you have an elder who can and could have helped themselves and won't, which has led to their decline, that also causes frustration.
I say your aunt might need a memory refresh to remember how hard this really is. There is no "enjoying it while it lasts". That's true for child-rearing, not elder care.
Let's face it, life is hard no matter what. There will always be people needing care and, we hope, people willing to care for them.
OkieGranny
"Let's face it, life is hard no matter what. There will always be people needing care and, we hope, people willing to care for them."
Yup, it can go either way, but there will also always be those "just talking out of her arse." as Kimmotion says... ;-)
In general, I would say kids would be easier to raise and care for, but that's only if you have a "normal" situation. There are trials and tribulations, tears and laughter, but for the most part, kids are little and very dependent, but as they grow, they become more independent and >hopefully< self-sufficient! There are those who have difficulties, some more than others, and never become independent or self-sufficient, so they could be more difficult than most elders to care for, as they WILL grow larger and could become more difficult too.
On the flip side, elder care is also dependent on the person and their needs. Some age gracefully and don't need a lot of help. Some need more and more help, but are still a pleasure to have around and care for. Some are very difficult, cantankerous, fight everything tooth and nail! Then there's dementia. Even within that group, there are so many differences - each case is unique.
Sure, there are some similarities, but there are many differences, both between raising kids and caring for elders and also in each group itself. My grandmother was VERY easy for my parents and mom's sisters to care for. Safe place to live, food, medical appts, etc. She was very easy going. She was probably late 70s when she passed. Mom was over 90 when dementia kicked in and was relatively independent until then. She can be difficult and outweighs me, can't do stairs, I can't handicap the bathrooms, etc, so I couldn't take her in. My brothers were both excited after our first MC tour - Gee, for that much I'd take her in! Sure they would. OB's final visit was his wake-up call. Ten, maybe 15 min and he refused to go visit again. He "didn't know what to do with her." Annnnd you wanted her 24/7? YB, to the best of my knowledge, stopped visiting when I stopped hounding him for an answer about some special occasion they were having. I got tired and frustrated practically begging for an answer. Not demanding that he GO, just say Yes or No, so they can have a head count! So yeah, them taking her in would've worked out SO much better than the nice place I found for her, where it was closer for me to make visits and oversee her care, and the staff was wonderful and caring.
If I had been able to take her in, then I would agree wholeheartedly SHE would have been much more difficult to take care of than the two kids I raised alone from ages 3 and 5. Even though the kid-raising stint was 15+ years, the 5-6 years just doing what needed to be done (more than just overseeing finances and providing supplies and visits!) was hard enough. Taking on full care, even with help, would've been much worse.
It depends on the situation. Most of the time it is harder taking care of aging parents unless there are special needs children who require lots of help.
My parents had medically fragile children who had progressive dementia caused by Metachromatic Leukodystrophy. My siblings were in their early teens when they began to show symptoms. It was a long hard 45 year journey for my family.
It’s not a black and white scenario. There are complex gray areas.
Parenting children with extreme special needs is very challenging. They can never leave that child alone, even as he/she grows older. This child is completely dependent on their parents.
Whereas, an adult child housing a parent that is in good health with no mental impairment has a situation that is nowhere near as difficult as raising a child with extreme special needs. In this case, the older parent is more or less a roommate to the adult child.
If the child has normal development and is overall healthy, it’s much easier to raise a child rather than caring for a parent who is requiring help in every area of their lives. The parent is totally dependent on them.
Neither job is ever easy! Parenting a child is hard. Caregiving to our parents is hard too!
It’s physically more hard with an adult. As far as emotionally, I don’t think that I could say. There is nothing sadder than a child or adult that is totally dependent on others because of extreme needs.
Also, think again if you think that parents can or do always care for an child with extreme special needs.
In my younger days I volunteered at our Children’s hospital. There are kids there with such extreme special needs that certain parents can’t bear to see them suffering in their condition. I would cry because they had virtually no family that would visit them.