waytomisery Posted January 6, 2024
Update, FIL has passed away . Thank you all for letting me vent the past 11 months.
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Covid proved to be too much of a challenge for FIL’s heart and lungs He was already frail with CHF and COPD . He came down with it New Years Day . He was put on hospice Thursday at his AL . The company that owns the AL also owns their own hospice company . It proved to be a seamless transition , the hospice nurse and the AL nurses knowing each other. We are grateful that it did not drag on and he finally got comfortable . However , I know DH will continue to struggle with his grief that he had already been dealing with over the distant relationship he had with his Dad.
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I'm praying for God's peace and comfort to be with you all during this time.
(((hugs)))
Please tell your husband for me, relationships are two way streets and we can only do what we can do with challenging people. Sometimes love from a distance is all that we can do and love truly is enough in the end. He stepped up even when it was super challenging, he did right by his dad, no matter what dad thought.
The most difficult part is not that his father is dead but the finality it brings to his never being able to fully reconnect and have the relationship he wanted with his father.
Unfortunately I think even if FIL had lived another decade that would never have happened for him which is the saddest part in all of this.
Those left behind are left to deal with all the fall out from relationships that could have been healed and transformed into something beautiful for father and son and now there is just the son left to process his feelings and grief over it all (the waste of it all in regards to FIL's behavior).
The dead are the lucky ones in situations like this because they don't get to see the fall out and pain their actions and behavior caused.
I know your husband will find his own peace and healing in all of this as time goes on and he should be proud of himself for being there for his father even with all of the crap that he put him through.
My DH has a difficult mother. The time for DH and her to make things 'right' is long past since she has dementia now and cannot make coherent decisions. DH wanted to make everything 'good' between them before she died and it has been unsuccessful. I'm hoping that DH will accept some counseling to get through the grief. Perhaps that would be a good option for your DH too?
I read somewhere that every family is dysfunctional in some way. In my husbands own family his youngest brother feels Dad was never home. He liked to play sports and go to the local club to have a few beers and play darts. My husband said "Dad always asked if we wanted to go watch him play ball and I was the only one who went". So for each child the parent thing is different. Because each child has different needs. One may need more attention than another.
I so hope your husband can find peace. As much as we would love to have perfect relationships with our parents, it does not always happen.
No matter what the relationship is like, it is hard to watch someone suffering.
I am glad that your FIL is finally at peace.
Keeping you and your DH in my thoughts.
Loss, closure, change.
A chapter has closed. Like any important book, it lingers over us & makes us think. Then we put the book on the shelf.
(((Hugs))) Not sure what else to say. Just one day at a time I guess.
DH is in power get things done mode. Yesterday making phone calls .
Today , I went out with him this morning and we shoveled 6 inches of snow on our long driveway and our elderly neighbors shorter but steep driveway . DH slipped and fell on the steep driveway on his butt pretty hard . He got up , we finished.
Went in the house , ate lunch and then he decided we were cleaning out FIL room today . Not too bad , most of the furniture belonged to AL . The maintenance man saw FIL door open so , He came in the room and discussed what we could donate to the facility if we wanted . Apparently he is the head of maintenance and he decides this . He said we lucked out that it was his weekend on for the month . He assessed what we had , a TV stand , a kitchen table and two chairs and a recliner and two large flat screen( but older non smart ) TVs. ( one in the living room , one in the bedroom ). He said he would keep it all except the recliner . (They never keep the recliners) . We will pay the fee to have the facility dispose of the recliner .
There were two boxes of photos ( 95% of them of the steps family) . DH put the two boxes in the car and the wheelchair ……. DH said , “ Saving the wheels for Mom “. ( divorced ).
Everything else went in trash bags in the dumpster behind the building . The last trip to the dumpster I pushed FIL’s $400 Cadillac of rolling walkers out . It was the last thing to throw out , DH swung it up into the dumpster angry “ F***.” Then he remarked “ Took less than 2 hours to dismantle 2 years of a miserable existence “ .
That’s how he felt about watching his Dads decline .
Then we got home and he started typing the eulogy and asked , “ how do I write memories to share , when Dad never spent much time with us ? “
I felt bad for him . I said well “ I guess write about when you were a younger kid . I know that his Dad was his Boy Scout troop leader for a few years . This was the only thing his Dad ever did with him , because his Dad liked it. His Dad never went to watch DH’s soccer games .
So DH wrote the eulogy , he talked about how handy his Dad was, how he like history and was a walking trivia book etc . the Boy Scouts and a few other memories .
Tonight DH said . “ It’s weird , I feel relieved “. I told him because the Dad he knew has been gone a couple of years already .
DH says he’s going into the office tomorrow. Monday is usually a work from home day. 🤔 . Funeral home will call back to say what day . The Funeral is in NY . The snow storm here in PA delayed pick up .
I am happy all of this is behind you and your husband.
I totally understand that you feel relief that your father in law is out of his misery and that you and your husband do not have the responsibilities that you had before.
Sorry that your husband took a tumble in your driveway. Ouch!
It was kind of you to help out your elderly neighbors. I’m sure they appreciated it.
I also want to say that I truly hope that you and your husband are at peace with all of the decisions that you made during this very difficult journey.
I hope that your husband will heal from the past hurt he suffered with his dad. It takes time to process everything.
My husband had to learn to let go of what his dad failed to give him. He had to accept that a strong father and son bond was never going to happen. I am so proud of my husband for breaking this cycle. He is an incredible father to our children.
His dad gave all of his attention to the woman that he had the affair with when his mom was dying from cancer. He claimed her children and grandchildren and threw my husband and us out like yesterday’s garbage. Honestly, I think after the shock wore off about what a louse his dad was, he went numb. He didn’t feel anything for his dad anymore.
Then, after his dad’s lady friend died. He moved her into his home a couple of weeks after my MIL died. They lived together until she died at age 96, he decided to call my husband and say, “I am lonely. Come see me.” Covid hit and my husband couldn’t see him in the assisted living facility.
When I asked my husband if he was sorry that he didn’t get to see his dad before he died, he said, “What dad? He hasn’t been a father to me since I was a child.”
I think your husband and my husband’s grief is more about the fact that their fathers were absent in their lives. Through no fault of their own, they didn’t have a close relationship with their fathers.
It is hard for us too because we hate to see our husbands experience this kind of pain and frustration. It’s strange for our kids as well. They don’t understand why grandpa was the way he was, especially since their dad’s behavior is the polar opposite of grandpa’s behavior.
Not sleeping , just wanting this funeral to be overwith tomorrow. Already had one flying monkey calling with post game questions. She didn’t understand why he died when she had only talked to FIL on the phone about 10 days before ………
DH told her he had been declining and it had picked up speed the last couple of months , he was in too bad a shape to survive Covid. That was not a good enough explanation for her . Then she questioned what his problems were before Covid and what was being done about it .
I was listening to the tone of the conversation . She wasn’t grief stricken , she was making sure we didn’t drop the ball. She was looking to criticize . She had disagreed with us fervently about putting FIL in assisted living and saying we were wasting money . This is the same step that was annoyed that we didn’t make sure FIL ( with dementia ) was sending her kids birthday and holiday checks . She drove out here to visit FIL and collect a check for her daughter starting grad school . After we took away FIL’s checkbook her visits stopped .🤔🤔🤔🤔
She didn’t understand why he was in such bad shape. C’mon, he was a very ill man going on 90. You can’t fix old . Sheez .
How dare she call with questions !!
My tongue will be bleeding tomorrow , or perhaps I may be forced to respond to some comments . Been going through my head with my rebuttal to any criticism . I’m thinking my go to will be “ you are out of line “. Does anyone else have any suggestions to quell ?? There are at least two others we know who will have comments .
This step took care of her death questions on the phone , I’m sure tomorrow she will have her hands out for inheritance .
Honestly, the step daughter sounds more like a vulture than a daughter who cared about your FIL.
She also sounds very nosey, wanting to know all the details. My gosh, that’s very insensitive to your husband to be questioning him shortly after his dad died.
Some people are very selfish. Everything is all about them. They don’t give a rat’s a** how their behavior affects others.
I don’t blame you for wanting the funeral to be over with.
Sending love and hugs your way today!
In late April of 2023 my mother passed away within a day of being told she had about 10 days left after 5 months on hospice. Silently I kept asking myself how it seemed to be so quick. I have accepted it was time. Death is not a souffle. There is no perfect recipe for its event.
Possible alternatives - "We are not discussing fil's health, finances or any other business of his." "I don't have any answers for you."
At later dates -
Ask them a question - "Why do you want to know?"
"What did you just ask me?" get them to repeat what they said them just shake your head and mutter "I don't think so." or something like that.
Put the ball back in their court - "You're very curious, aren't you?
You sure don't need the extra stress of these busybodies trying to interfere.
I have noooooo problem keeping boundaries with this group .
However, DH is more of the mindset to not have an uncomfortable day tomorrow .
DH is a more tolerant person than I am in general . And I’ve absolutely had it with these people and have no reason to walk on eggshells any longer . FIL loved these people , but FIL is gone.
I will do my best . Thanks for the suggestions . I will show DH your post. Perhaps hearing it from someone other than me will help .
For the monkeys, try "Not now, please. Write to me with any questions you have'.