Taking care of mom, who 93, has multiple medical issues including dementia. She has been a lifelong paranoid. She accuses me of hiding things, and nurses grudges against me. Sometimes she is in good spirits and things are fine, but when it's ugly, it's ugly. Last night I told her to go to .... and other things. I lost it basically. Feel guilty about it, but have no intention of apologizing because it's next to pointless. I'll still be accused of hiding stuff. I keep telling myself I don't know how long I can take this, but then another year goes by. Just ranting.
She doesn't even want to see doctors. We have a primary care doctor whose only mission (not by choice) is to make sure her meds are refilled by the pharmacy. She is not interested in seeing doctors unless she absolutely has to or she has go 911.
Her dementia is at a point where she thinks she can manage herself, but can't see the truth of her situation. She can turn on TV. She can generally work the remote. She can make her own coffee, water the plants, and take care of basic chores. She can make oatmeal, breakfast, but I cook dinner. But she has trouble stringing thoughts together in an analytical way.
In terms of the medicaid, the financial part not the worry. Although I live with her and have been for the last five years, I have my own house in another state (which sits empty) and I'm not dependent on her. But I can't get her to voluntarily leave this house. It won't happen. So outside of getting a court order of somekind (i have no idea how that even works), nothing is changing.
Caregivers need to step back and look at their situations and decide how they can get out of this self imposed slavery they have gotten themselves into. Many other countries do not worry about taking care of the elderly - many do. I am not sure how you can redirect your path - but please try. Depression might stay with you for the rest of your life and the guilt about things might also appear.
You live with her right? Do you rely on Mom for support and a roof over your head? You don't have to answer those questions but I am sure you have gotten some good suggestions on how to get help.
Your Mom will probably not even remember you hollering at her. So forgive yourself. I had to. We are only human and only a Saint would be able to do what we as Caregivers do and not get stressed.
It's not hard to become angry with someone with dementia. I finally realized that my anger scared my wife and made me feel guilty. That was one reason I started to look for a new "home" for her. Depending on her symptoms, ALF or MC might be appropriate.
You say it's pointless to apologize and, if she has short term memory issues, it may be. But it's also pointless to keep confronting the same situation. We all have our limits of tolerance. How much can we "take"? It appears that you may be at your limit. Going beyond one's limits can cause a caregiver to become desensitized to needs of the patient and create physical issues for you.
At the least, you need some respite time away from mom. You can call your Area Agency on Aging to get some help. They can offer some resources for you. Beyond that, it may be time to visit some care facilities for you mom. That would be the ultimate solution to get your own life back. As you are experiencing, caregiving can cause extreme stress and other physical ailments for the caregiver.
I wish you luck.
Whatever she says is meaningless and NON COMMUNICATIVE. She is “wording” what is going on in her damaged brain, NOT communicating factual information about you.
So when this happens, you can choose to tune out, choose to walk away, choose to relate as a compassionate but UNINVOLVED NON PARTICIPANT.
Her accusations have NO RELATIONSHIP TO YOU, and your apologies have NO RELATIONSHIP to her.
Practice hearing her voice as a TV program rather than your life, and you will be able to experience less and less as real stuff.
Are you getting enough “away time”? The more away time you give yourself, the less impactful her stuff will be. If you’re NOT getting enough away time, research how you can get more.
Take an objective look at the balance you’re living in. If things are too far out of balance in terms of care giving, research what you can do to IMPROVE THE BALANCE in YOUR FAVOR. Even if you’re not able or ready to make changes yet, just doing some research will help you feel better.
TAKE THAT FIRST STEP.......
You can not care for someone 24/7/365 and not loose it at some time.
Thinking that someone is hiding things, someone stole something can be part of the dementia. They "forget" where an item was placed therefore someone stole it, or it has been hidden.
I have to ask how many "good" days are there compared to the "ugly" ones? And are the ugly ones becoming more frequent?
Are there options that would make your life a bit easier?
Adult Day Care?
Having a caregiver come in a few days a week for a few hours?
Both of these options would give you a break as well as your mom.
And when it becomes so much that you can't take it there is nothing wrong about looking into Memory Care for her.