I need to vent and you're all good people. This doesn't end with a question.
I take care of my mom, 90s, with failing memory. She is blaming me for hiding her things or throwing things away. Says stuff like "I can't believe my son would do this. My son!" I keep my cool and just go to my room where, increasingly, I live in isolation. Sometimes she shifts to a friendlier state, which can last for a week or so, but I never know when the paranoia will emerge, so I'm constantly on edge. The stress is considerable. I eat a lot of sweets.
There's no possibility of rational discourse. There's no possibility of "let's look for this together;" her attitude is a simmering cauldron of resentment, grievance and baked irrationality.
I realize this is mental illness, cognitive decline, whatever. Help is an impossibility because she has powerful will and enough intelligence to resist anything.
Like I said, I'm just venting.
I've been taking care of her for about five years now, through cancer, heart surgery, ongoing medical appointments, etc., and by myself. I remind her of her medications and do my best to make sure she takes everything. That's been working out so far.
For me, unrelieved stress, financial hit, and what feels like a disappearing life. I have one friend who talks with me daily and would perish without her. She needs support as well, living alone and afraid to do anything because of pre-existing conditions.
Oddly, the pandemic didn't change much for me. Other than replacing the gym with long walks and bike rides, and wearing a mask, it's all the same.
I don't blame my mom, or karma for this circumstance. It is what it is and sometimes I thank God for putting me through this test of character and love, which I often fail at by getting angry. When she told me a few days ago that she might not make it to next spring, my initial feeling was expectant relief quickly followed by shameful guilt.
Maybe I'll emerge on the other side better for it. But for now, I sit in my room with my books, my only really escape, and hope for a way to deal with this paranoia and hate but have no way, honestly.
When I was working at a Memory Care Assisted Living as a receptionist prior to the plague, we had a Catholic deacon who'd come in every Sunday morning to give out communion & talk with the residents who were interested in doing so. One morning, he & I got to talking. His mother & my mother both are the same age, 93, living in Memory Care Assisted Living and declining daily, both in mental health, physical health, and general quality of life. I mentioned something about feeling guilt that she wanted to die, and that she brought it up to me daily. Know what he said?
He broke out in a huge grin, first of all. He said he prays daily for his mother to die. That he wants her to have a better life on the other side than she does here, with God, free from pain and suffering. He feels no guilt whatsoever in praying for her to pass, and advised me to rid myself of any guilt I may feel over wishing the same for my mother. We all know from the get-go that we're only allotted a certain amount of time here, and then we're done. You have no control over when your mother's time is up, just as I have no control over when my mother's time is up. And I can tell you this: I will definitely feel relief when God calls her home.
In reality, the sadness is here on Earth, watching them suffer, listening to paranoid delusions about what we're stealing or what the caregivers are stealing, what we're not doing for them, who's not calling or visiting, the daily medications they take to relieve pain..........the crying, the ranting, THAT is the sad part. Not the day they pass and transition to the next phase of their eternal lives.
Wishing you the best of luck, and the least amount of guilt possible, doing the incredibly thankless & ginormous job of caring for your mother in this condition. One day at a time, my friend.
I understand the deacon saying that. Smart man! Compassionate man!
I attended an end of life seminar held at my church years ago.
Hospice was one of the topics. The priest who was very much like the deacon at your mom’s facility said, “Hospice is not meant to prolong life. It is comfort care.” He said that the church understands that there is no reason for a person to endlessly suffer.
I wholeheartedly agree!
I have finished my caregiving journey and it nearly killed me. I was the dutiful daughter with no help or even moral support from siblings and put in the position of being DPOA for toxic miserable parents. Years of family dysfunction, negativity and complaining. By July 2018 when I had to move them into ALF, my BP was 208/95. I was a walking stroke waiting to happen. The thing is I've been on full disability for PTSD and under the VA's care for many years. Was supposed to avoid stress! Yea right. My mother was so bitter and judgmental, but that was due to 64 years of marriage to an abusive sociopathic Narcissist until it killed her (massive stroke at 89.) I was left alone to deal with the bad tempered, paranoid delusional, pathological liar for another 17 months. To save my sanity, I had to do limited contact. Every visit would last about 5 minutes, when he started on one of his tirades swearing at me, I would say I don't have to listen to this and would walk out and go home. I managed all his finances, etc and let the professional staff do his hands on care and keep him safe. I stopped visiting completely even before the pandemic broke out. I am not yet 65 but have liver disease and other high risk factors. He finally passed in May (96) after going on Hospice, which he fought. Non-compliant - wouldn't take any of his meds or even go to the dining room for meals. So stubborn, self-centered, and completely ungrateful for all I did. I don't know how the staff put up with him. I walked on eggshells and bit my tongue for YEARS so not to upset Mom. As soon as she passed, I walked out of the F.O.G. (Fear Obligation Guilt) and started taking care of my physical and mental health. I would no longer put up with his verbal and manipulative abuse. No more guilt. I did more than a lot of adult children of toxic parents would have done. Not all parents deserve being taken care of by their kids. Everything he said and did he brought on himself and drove everyone away. I gave up my best years of a quiet retirement for them while his favorite 2 sons did nothing. I lost my health, lost vision after a failed eye surgery and 2 dogs during an 18 month period. I am still working on the anger at the unfairness. Therapy helps. Had to stop PTSD meds due to liver. It is sad that 2020 is not even in the top 3 of the worst years of my life, but it is what it is. The pandemic lockdowns were a blessing in some ways. How messed up is that?
You have nothing to feel guilty for. Do what you need to do to save yourself. The dementia will only get worse, the physical decline will only get worse, their personalities get worse the older they get. And they could be around for several more years of this! No parent should expect their children to give up their entire life and well-being for them, yet some do. Some don't even prepare for other options or build up savings for when they need care.
Thank goodness my parents had LTC insurance, but it galls me that my 2 useless brothers will each get a third of parents' estate when they did nothing to help out or contributed even one penny. (I spent almost $60,000 of my own money over the past 7 years helping out so they wouldn't outlive their money. They understood that living with me would never be an option.)
My advice is to start looking at alternatives; memory care, ALF, etc. Contact social workers for help. If she has no funds, find out about applying for Medicaid.
It's time to do research and start planning to reclaim your life while you still have your health. No one person can do it all alone. Take care of you! Best of luck!
My heart goes out to you. You have been through the mill.
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Wishing you all the best! Take care. Many hugs!
I too am caregiving, I will be 70 next year and my Mom will be 90+. Is it hard? heck yeah!
I helped my Mom with my Dad because he to had dementia and was also diabetic, Luckily, Dad didn't suffer/linger too long. At the end he no longer recognized my Mom or me. Mom had the day to day with my Dad, but I stepped in when I after I got off work. You see my Dad was a alpha male, he was hell on wheels. I'm so glad he didn't linger. Mom was a nurse very independent and caring. This new normal is a tough job. All of you who are caregiving know the deal!
As soon an I was allowed to return to the gym I did. I get up and arrive at 6am I get a chance to exhale and not think about what is waiting for me. Mom is still resting, I alert her that I am leaving! That's my only outlet. My mom's sister's only give me short breaks about once a month. You all know that aint enuf!!!
I have to dress, bathe, and do all of her needfuls. Yes, I do get cross with her at times! I also pray for forgiveness, And yes I have to apologize !
This is not how I thought I would spend my retirement. If the pandemic were not raging, Mom would be better off in assisted living. I could visit and help with her hygiene care, like I did with my Dad. For now she is better living at home. Soon I will have to make a decision but I hope that will not be necessary. My Dad didn't know us at the end and I do not want my Mom to have to live like that
Forgive me if you think of me as being cruel!! Who wants to see a love one living like that for years???
I needed this vent!!!!
Wonderful responses!
So very true! Every caregiver has needed to vent. Vent away!!!
My caregiver days are over with my parents.
Caregiving is the toughest job that I ever had. It’s easy to burn out.
I am supporting my husband these days as he goes through cancer treatments.
You will find many supportive people on this forum.
Wishing both of you all the best.
So vent, rant, yell. If it helps, we can certainly understand it.
So vent, rant, yell. If it helps, we can certainly understand it.
favorite foods etc... and you can start taking care of yourself...
there are no good options for this illness ... and you’ll feel guilty whatever ... you do know caregivers often die earlier ..
best of luck