There is no federal mandate for elderly w/regard to driving, paying their bills ie all forms of self-governing & independence. Thousands age out mentally, physically etc everyday but there is zero federal legislation protecting families from having to individually deal with any of this. Don't U find that a state/& fed benefit at the expense of the family.
To boot the med industry via medications have prolonged life beyond its natural limits causing these issues. People who would have died in their 50's or early 60's, still able to cook, bathe & see to drive, pay their bills etc are forced into their 70's--80's unable to do so. Not against meds, take them myself, just a FACT!
Further, society (whoever that may be 2U), is very hard on people as their parents age out. Full of judgements & "U should's." Peer pressure in our 40's & 50's still being a huge decision factor w/people not lifting 1 finger or contributing $1 dollar to help. Just criticism, counsel placing U under tremendous hardship costing them zip for FEAR of further judgment, peer shaming U or producing a peer guilt. Are U a criminal? Then U have no guilt! Have U created the problem, causing suffering etc, then U have no shame!
Our bodies wear out, they have an expiration, nothing we can do to stop that. Force them beyond that expiration & they still begin to spoil while functioning in part. Son, daughter, that is not your fault... So WHY is it your problem to solve in your 40's, 50's even 60's+ to take in your home such a stressor as to shorten your natural life-span? And that because the state & federal levels benefit from these UNREALISTIC societal pressures. Its on purpose they have passed zero legislation towards the aging. It's a political rotten egg for the biggest voting group in America: 45+. Tell todays voter you're losing your driving privileges via your doctors first signs of cognitive deficiency. Then also telling the voters your going to have to cover their Uber costs for the rest of their lives to do their errands. Political suicide, right? That's just driving. What about when your done living in your home and going to be federally forced into assisted living or a nursing home? Politically, "no, lets just leave all this to each and every family and let societal peer pressures do their thing." But... When they are forced into a nursing home, $8,000.00 a month folks until the savings are gone and the house is sold, then medicaid ie govt will kick in, when your parents entire life's work is spent, your inheritance annihilated. Plus the govt continues to use their entire social security check minus $60 a month toward that medicaid bill at the nursing home.
Point: all U dear folks suffering burnout or just starting your journey toward it, have choices. Peer pressure & that your an aweful person if you don't take your mom or dad into your home when your not really capable of doing so, is not your decision but people making it for you again lifting not 1 finger nor contributing $1 dollar. Not one ounce of solution, just adding to your problems. How old are we? Are we back in the school yard?
Burnout means your over your head, beyond your capabilities, bit or about to bite off more than U can chew. My mother is in a nursing home with severe dementia. Had to deal with an Elder Law firm, court, medicaid planning, get ready for sale & sell her home fr 70 miles away, oversee $70G in banking assets liquidated etc, and that was horrifically stressful. She spent not 1 single nite in my home & an entire year later, I AM SPENT. Ask her for 30 years over and over to let me help her prepare for such an eventuality. She told me "she would die in her home, it was none of my buisness. I would never be called upon to care for her." Then that call from a memory care Doctor fr Community East in Indpls, came one nite, "she is never going home, she can't be alone again." De-nial ain't just a river in Egypt!
Take care of Ure parents guys but take care of U2!
And people did live to a great old age, those statistics everyone likes to quote about average life expectancy include the great number of people who died in childhood or at a young age from diseases that are easily treated today.
It is not for the taxpayer to have to foot the bill so an elder can 'age in place' with the help of a full-time staff of servants in their homes.
The elders of today did not think about things like long-term care policies when they were in their 50's or even 60's. They didn't want to pay into them because the expectation is always that their family will take care of them. Or the government will pay for them.
My future husband again just brought up about LTC policies with me. He is 53 years old. We have one grown kid who we do not want to burden with our future care needs. My in-laws have a great LTC policy that they've been paying every month for years which covers everything. They don't need caregiving (thank God) but if they ever do that burden will not fall to us. This is what seniors are supposed to do. Plan for their "golden" years before they get golden. When they are middle aged.
I went through everything you did but with my father. There's always the choice of just walking away and letting the state take over if a person needs them to.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I can't tell you how many 'stubborn' seniors like your mother I've told over the years that nothing gets a person a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn. So go ahead and be secretive with your kids about finances. Be stubborn and refuse help or the possibility or going into senior living or AL. Don't accept homecare because they'll only allow a person of their choosing to do for them.
Then enjoy the nursing home that the family puts you in.
No one should have a moment of guilt about having to place an elderly family member. People do what they have to do. No one should feel like they've failed or betrayed a LO because they didn't quit their lives to become care slaves.
But even with a plan in place and very specific advance directives, she runs a good chance of losing tens of thousands of dollars for a lifestyle (care facility) that she doesn't want. She's talked about suicide to avoid that, and I GET IT. I wouldn't want to do this to my kids. I just wish there were kinder ways for people to get "the cocktail" instead of having a terminal diagnosis with 6 months of less (and even then, you have to be in the right state, and there are only three).
I think as a country, our obsession with immortality and living longer is ridiculous. I'd rather die at 65 than suffer through dementia and pain and the loss of all that I had hoped to leave to my kids.
My brothers and I watched mom care for all those sick, dying and disabled relatives when we were young. What we learned?
That NO ONE was ever going to move in with any of us. Never.
We were fortunate that mom and dad were sensible people and prepared for their old age.
If they hadn't, I wouldn't have lifted a finger.
Maybe this makes me a "less than good" person. But the unanimity we felt as a family was startling. And confirmatory.
Folks who don't plan don't get to make a claim on my resources.
I think you just about covered it, as far as the negatives go, and as far as what many on AgingCare deal with daily.
Countries differ markedly in how they handle things, and even here in the USA we differ markedly in how expectations are formed and care rendered--or not.
It isn't easy. But then being a helpless child, raising young children, supporting a family, and on and on, learning how to get along--basically NOTHING is easy in life. It is fraught with difficulties, disagreements, disappointments. Sometimes fraught with loss and pain.
What sometimes amazes ME is that we limp along so well as we do, and that some of us maintain a great love for life.
We were just talking about comforts the other day--small and otherwise-- and heating pads came up. You know, as they said in that old, old film, My Dinner With Andre--"the way the coffee goes that color when you pour it in over the cream".
We have to pull out the beauty and joy kicking and screaming.