So stressed with Dad living with me, losing ways of coping.

golden 23, thanks for the phrasing to use with my mother!

When she needs more care, she has a LTC insurance policy for 1000 days in home and then 7 years in a facility. 30 day exclusion. I have determined that I am not going to be the bathing assistant or the cook.

I expect that a fall might be the precipitating event that lands her in a facility. (Right now, against doctor's advice that was to always use the walker or cane, she is "training" herself to not need anything.)

TG - I read some of the posts on this thread and what I am seeing is that you are afraid to say "No" because of what others will think of you. As a result you are living to please them, which with people like you have in your family, and really in general, never works, so you are on a treadmill, running faster and faster, meeting fewer of your own and your wife's needs, getting more and more frustrated and really getting nowhere in terms of getting where you want to. Already your relationships with extended family are poor it seems, so why keep working to make them better? In dysfunctional families it is usually best to detach and distance and look after yourself. Set boundaries as Linda and churchmouse and possibly others earlier have said. What you are doing now is not working for you, so change what you are doing. You will not change the others, Setting boundaries is for your protection and to get some control of your environment, and also will result in others experiencing consequences to their behavior, e g. if you do not let me know you will be here for supper I will not cook for you. If you want your dad to butt out of the construction of the new room tell him that, as nicely as you can but very clearly. Or let it come from the contractors. Dad can join a club if he wants some activities. You are not responsible for his entertainment, This is your house and you make the rules about supper, about construction and other matters. I think Linda's suggestion about not putting more money in dad's account it s good one. Set limits and stick to them. Others here have learned to do that with self centered family members. You are ending up getting resentful, and you will never please a narcissistic person - never. You can stand on your head and spit nickels, you can spin 8 plates at once, you can go to the moon and back for them, and you will never please them but you will wear yourself out centering your life on them.

So stop it! Never mind what they think or say about you. They don't respect you now and may actually end up respecting you more after you set and keep limits. Have you considered counselling to develop your self esteem? What you are into now is called "other esteem" where you look to others for approval rather than to yourself. Look it up and look up "detaching" otherwise you will spend the rest of your life trying to please others and not pleasing yourself. Maybe it is time for dad to go into an ALF or a seniors apartment You do not have to have him live with you if it is not working for you. Your life matters more than what the relatives think. Blessings!

cnn - I am glad you are setting boundaries. Just because your mum plans this or that does not mean you have to go along with it. Some useful phrases are "I couldn't possible do that", "That does not work for me", "I'll think about it"(and then don't bring it up again and if she does say you have thought about it and the answer is No), "I can see that would work well for you but it does not work for me, Can I help you find an alternative?" and so on. I would think hard about the car as it comes with many strings attached and if you accept it you have already implicitly accepted some strings. It gives her great ammunition and you don't want that. (((((hugs))))) stay firm in your resolve. It sounds like she is slipping and will need more care soon, Have you thought what your role will be when that happens? Above all look after you!

TG, contractors hate when clients micro manage and try to help. So rather than you being the bad guy, let Dad know that the contractor would prefer to work without interruptions and advice. Contractors have different approaches to achieve the same result, and you'll be caught in the middle between your dad and your contractor.

I just find it painful when people don't appreciate what is in front of them. We fed and let all the dogs out yesterday before we went to a meeting with a builder to put a room addition on for us (sun room for my wife), we had to because my dad being a former contractor would have all the input if we met here. Of course no one called to see if the dogs were cared for and the daughter called my dad after we were home to check on the dogs (8 PM), of course he made it sound like he did the work. As far as the builder dad will be chomping at the bit when the guy shows up to do the work. I hate that I have to change my way of doing things. Anyway, this is a 3 season room for my wife and we will have to put our feet down before it is even started that this is OUR room, not for others. My wife needs a place to relax and it is what she wants. Hopefully the kids will have their own place by then. I know by dads standard mode of operation he will plot himself down and make like it is his so rules will have to be in place before one nail is pounded. I will have to include him in some of the interior construction (or I will be yet again the bad guy for not letting him help) and then we will feel that he has the right to do what he pleases so I am in a rock hard place situation. He will be able to help with some trim and small things. It used to be so nice to do something, sit back and enjoy the spoils..... now I have to plan like a mission to invade a small country and figure in the collateral damage....
The kids did meet with a mortgage person to get pre approved, I am sure that will fall through... All I want is my house back!

I've told her I would prefer that she sell the car and use the money for taxis. Her Depression-era mentality won't allow her to "waste" money on taxis. I do have my own car, but it's an old van. (I'm usually able to use our other car if I'm driving across town.) She's planned for quite a while that I will be her taxi service when she doesn't drive anymore. She knows I am not looking forward to it.

I know it's going to be all about boundaries. I've already practiced what I'm going to say when she calls up and expects to be taken this place or that place. ("Put it on the list for Thursday" is what I'll say.)

She is 90, lives alone in a one-story condo 7 minutes from me, and manages all of her own affairs. She's starting to slip, though. Her reasoning isn't all there, and she admits to having short-term memory issues. She is very controlling, and gets very obsessive about things.

I was never close to her, and after her nastiness to me earlier this year, I am keeping my distance. I don't call her unless I absolutely have to. She's not calling me like she used to, either.

My 3 brothers live out of state, of course, and come down for a few days to visit a few times a year. They would have liked her to stop driving last year, but knew they couldn't push the issue since they weren't going to be the ones to do the taxi service.

I wish she would move nearer to one of them. I would love to be one of the ones to come visit a few times a year!

The car will be titled in my name, and I'll be paying the insurance.

CTTN55, You might try telling your mom that the car doesn't magically fill itself with free gas, nor does it repair itself, change its own oil, or rotate its own tires. The "gift" (with many strings attached) of the car will be beneficial to her and costly for you, and if at all possible she should be aware of that.

By the way, your offer of one shopping trip per week is generous, even if your mom would like multiple excursions. It's exhausting to shop with a frail elder.

cttn, I hope you're in a position to be able to refuse the car, as that would reduce strings being attached. If, however, you take the car, inform her that while it's her car, it's your time. As you're having to integrate all the new tasks in with your own responsibilities, it won't be possible for you to do it all as she wishes. My latest mantra is " I'm doing the best I can. This is all I have. It has to be enough."

CTTN, your mother sounds like mine. You have my sympathy. Do you have your own car? I would have been tempted to sell your mother's car and put the money in her account. A $3K car is a low price for a full-time servant. I think you could teach a good course on boundaries and limits.

Linda22, you wrote: "What I realized was that we have different ideas of what helping means. To her, its a broad, nebulous idea that encompasses whatever needed to keep her life the way it was or the way she wanted. That isn't reasonable or feasible for my sister or I, given our own responsibilities and abilities. So we will always be frustrated that nothing we do is enough, and she will be frustrated that we are not helping her."

This so succinctly describes the issue I expect to have with my mother shortly (once she stops driving, which was supposed to happen in Sept but now it's Oct, but I'm not complaining!). She is giving me her car (worth ~$3K) so I will drive her around. She has balked when I said I'd drive her to Mass, doctor/dental appts. and one shopping trip (morning) a week. She did not like my limiting her shopping opportunities (she also didn't like the idea of my taking her shopping list with me when I did my own shopping).

Originally I was only going to take her to Mass and doctor/dental appointments, but I reconsidered and am now willing to take her out to go shopping one morning a week. But that's not good enough. A few weeks ago out of the blue (when I was driving her home from the dentist) she proclaimed that she was giving me HER car, and therefore SHE would make the rules on when and where I would drive her. She said I would be given a choice of two dates/times to take her where she wanted to go. And then she proceeded to tell me that I was a "little off" and that my memory wasn't what it should be at my age. This was a replay of the nastiness from her the first week of May.

Her only mode of socialization is going out to Mass, shop, medical appts. She expects me to be the helper for her to maintain her life as it is now. She has no concept of "needs" versus "wants." And it will never satisfy her if I set limits, because how DARE I do that!

So that's why I'm keeping my distance as much as possible. If she screams at me, I am just going to leave if I'm at her condo (and there will go that morning's shopping trip). If she starts in on me over the phone, I will hang up.

I don't want her car, I don't want to drive her places, so it's already enough that I have to go along with being her taxi. I will own the car and the car keys, and if she gets nasty, she will have no ride. I am not emotionally equipped to put up with her nonsense.

Oh and the next time your daughter mentions that SIL is not used to this type of living, tell her you're glad she mentioned that because neither are you and Mrs TG. Mention to her that as SIL needs his space, what are their plans for achieving this?

TG...

I wasn't the most tolerant parent in the world, maybe. But if my children had been that BLOODY RUDE... Well, I don't like to picture the scene.

Was your daughter this inconsiderate as a teenager? I bet you didn't let her get away with it then! Are they in for dinner or not? Get a family wall planner for the kitchen, they keep it up to date or they shift themselves. Holy moley!

Needs his own space, does he. Better go out and rent one then, eh.

TG, What if you tell Dad at the end of this month that as his needs are being paid for by you (housing, utilities, food, gas) and his money is all discretionary spending money, staring next month you will not be adding money to his account for more discretionary spending. As for dinner, tell them you're going to be cooking for two unless they have the courtesy of telling you they will be home for dinner. If they don't give you a heads up, they can eat leftovers. Time for tough love...and I like ou comment about the RV.

I get it, people are different. People have to remember, "you moved in with me".... not the other way around. I lived with my aunt and uncle for a few months while I worked out of state. I lived in the basement, I ate with the family (I was 18). I bought food, I helped with house work/yard work, I babysat my cousins and did my own laundry. I entertained myself. I morphed into their world. Lately my SIL is avoiding us. I asked my daughter about it "he is not used to this type of living, he needs his own time and space". I guess my response of "we can get him an RV to live in down by the river" wasn't the best.... sorry, you moved here not the other way around. I made dinner last PM and as I am finishing everyone says they are not eating and going out..... OK, people, I make dinner every night, it would be nice to let me know before hand so I don't cook for 5 people. I revert it to serve 2 then dad all of a sudden says he will eat once he saw a nice meal I set for my wife and I..... So tonight we are going out, everyone is on their own. My wife mentioned it to our daughter and she said they are going out.... OK problem solved, thank you for letting me know. I guess I need to make announcements on the PA system every day.... "Here is the daily plan and what is being served for dinner, mark the sheet hanging on the back of your bedroom door and leave it in the kitchen". I feel like I am running a boarding house. I guess dad will go out for dinner too. He asked for money in his account again, I did ask him what he did with his money "medical co-pays" he says. I checked his account, those co-pays really look more like restaurants to me.... I am trying to be more communicative. It is just hard when people don't listen....... or care.

TG, when my dad could no longer drive, my mom asked my sister and I to help her do her Christmas shopping. We agreed, and each year, she gave us very specific items she wanted us to purchase for her to give. As the family grew, this task became more burdensome as we were running from store to store. Finally, we decided we needed to simplify the holidays and decided we'd get gift cards to people's favorite stores. We saved precious energy, our mom had nice gifts to give, mission complete.

Except now she wasn't happy because we weren't really helping her, not the way she thought we should. She'd loved shopping, enjoyed wandering the stores and so she had her way of getting presents. We tried it her way, it was not sustainable and we had to come up with our idea of helping.

What I realized was that we have different ideas of what helping means. To her, its a broad, nebulous idea that encompasses whatever needed to keep her life the way it was or the way she wanted. That isn't reasonable or feasible for my sister or I, given our own responsibilities and abilities. So we will always be frustrated that nothing we do is enough, and she will be frustrated that we are not helping her.

It seems to me that your family also has a different idea of helping than you do. i found it helpful to set down a list of what helping was to me, what I was able to do. And then I set limits and made changes. I won't kid you that it was easy. But it's the only way to survive people who have no qualms about unreasonable demands of you.

I dont think there is a timeline on when or how we make progress as long as it is made. I mean look at how long it took for me to see a problem. So that is years and years of due process to be recyled and properly refiled. Not only that but just the whole durn issue of being used and rejected an all that stuff. I just spoke with person I was training the other night and her story was something else almost unbelievable. She is much younger than I am but she came to terms with her issue at an much sooner because it was a life or death situation for her.. Yet she is still in that role of caretaker of her family. Only her family hasnt cast her out and she has good relationship with her mom. I also think of the foster care girls who were sexually abused by parent and then put in foster care. These girls would spend every penny they had to make sure everyone in their family had gifts and yearn to be home. Its been one helluva ride this life I know a got more riding to do so I am teading litely. I have to take things slow and easy if i can that's how I process things acutally it my nature to look at every agnle and sometime I still can see the forest cause I am stuck figuring out a tree. that much I do know about myself. So I appreciate the little even seemingly comical coments that help me see that the tree is not that important. Ive gotten quite a few of those and every little bit helps. Its Sayonara for me got to get back to work. God blesss all.

Okay and here is my cazy. I am so reluctant. I know I need to set it up and get this help. I am just so tired and afraid to go back and relive and express my who thing again and again and there are so many pieces. I really dont want to open it up and look again not only with family but issues that come from working in a profession where you see the worst that people do to each other. Then I am getting more time on job and I am so grateful and glad and I get a little nervous when things start to work out. so I am working on that right now and hoping this step to help will work out and wont be overwhelming. I mean everytime I go to this wtc health program. I relive it and other situations. I talk with people who were there, Hear about people who died. I rememer people I know who got cancer and died. I think of my son and the young men in the military who put their lives on line for this country. I see the vets from years past who still suffer. I just get overwhelmed when I go there. so anyway I have to call and make that apt. and get the ball rolling I want the help.

Its not lilke you will resoulve the issue or issues in one step or two. It is a process. Maybe if you can take one part and look at it till you really see what is going on for your self and how it is affecting you. Its hard to explain but certain things came to light and I was able to process it in a way that required true action and accept that is was for my own benefit and I deserved it. The pain sometimes block it or sometimes is a catalyst for revelation and understanding. Then we have to heal and in the process start the same thing over untill the whole iota and tangents and aspects affecting or blocking understanding are dealt with. If I dont work it out and resolve it in my mind it still a big problem. So I am so glad I have been able to take small bits and pieces and get understanding in same way. I dont think my mind could handle it any bigger or faster. I have learned I dont bounce back like I used to. Its so many faucets to life I see my process and for me I and Im grateful and that the relief of a load seems to come right when that opening for growth comes. I will now have accesss to mental health and I know for sure that process is going to be a biggie.

Tg Garden Artist is correct. It is a process. Which is why i shared my situation because maybe it could help in someway. But very true. All our situaiton are unique and special in their own way but one thread or input can give you the perspective that can lead to the process of making it right. Because I came on the site and because i am in the process hopefully my input can incourage you. It was difficult and still is. I have accepted the truth of my issues now i continue to grow in understanding and wisdom and strentgh. I am pushing for you as I feel for you being the similar.

TGengine, your situation is not dissimilar to those discussed by other posters who are in a situation of being used and manipulated. I recall more than a few who were reluctant to recognize the position they were in, and the difficulty of changing it.

You're not alone. If I looked again through all the posts from the last few days, I can think of at least a few in which family issues caused similar conflict of conscience for the person in the family who was being taken advantage of.

So remember that - it's not a unique situation and happens frequently, if the posts here on that subject are any indication. And it is hard to break through. Some other posters who write of similar problems have been advised repeatedly of recommended action but for one reason or another haven't been able to move forward.

Tg I agree with Stacey and cwillie and the post by Granny was touching as I have similar issues.
Tg you are going though a painful growing period right now. Your being used is not new it seems like you are just now aware and its pissing you OFF,

It wont be easy but you have to be comfortable in yourself to make the desision to stop being everyone's scape goat. As mentioned before the guilt will keep you bonded to the revoleving cylcle. Realize you are not responsible to keep everyone happy and take care of everyone. these people sound selfish and God forbid something happens to you I would not be surprised if they hadd a hard time showing up and supporting you.

My father spoiled my mother and my sister. They are both good for nothing. And they blame me for every pitiful issue they encounter. My father had a stroke and they didnt even hardly visit him. Me the one he was hard on was there every day to his last breath. Its so sad. He squeezed my hand a lot sometimes hard. I knew what he was communicating. and my love for him was becuause of his good heart and that part of him I got.

I took on all he did when he died the cleaning becuase I called my self helping him. I did everything with him groceries and all. Hed tell me to pick out a nice gift for my mother for mothers day dont worry bout monies. He'd tell me when I cook make sure I take something to my mother. On his dying bed I knew of his concern about my mother. He loved her much he saw how she treated me. He knew how she was. I assured him I'd look out for her and next day he died.

What I am saying that your goodness is too good. You are hurting them by letting them use your assets and goodness. They will keep on as long as they can and then will give you their *** to kiss.

I hope you get well on road to resolveing it. Because with eyes open it can be very painful to see yourself being used with no consideration for you as a human a person or of who you think you are to them. Reality hits and you realize its saddly nowhere near where or what you thought it was. And if you are like me i thought I knew everything. Till I figured this out. They were using me and I let them. I did a lot of praying some things I had the courage to do: like not feeling responsible to keep house clean. This aint my house I wasnt even welcome there and then I was treated like an intruder. (years of cleaning sweeping and mopping and dusting and shinning ...........and I was seeing stuff left for me like leave it for Dumb Dora. So Dora died.

The other things and there were and still are quite a few I had to place in God's hand because the games don't just stop becuase I decide Im not playing and sometimes they get rough and tempt me to become like them. So I pray and stay in prayer for guidance understanding and strength.

When I happened on this site, it was the answer to one of my prayers and became a refuge for me. because just like Granny said say it here. Your crazy and pain safe here. You cry too long or too hard or just period people use your weakness.

Hang in there. I am also on prayer line regularly. Its the only way I keep my sanity in the mist of selfish ugliness and manipulation.

I am pushing for you TG.

You're OK with no rent, but I still say you aren't teaching them to live within their means. How much have they actually saved by mooching of both sets of parents? I have heard of some families charging a reasonable amount of rent and secretly setting that money aside for their kids, sort of a forced saving's plan.

To quote my shrink " Insight, Mrs. S, is an over-rated commodity. Real change happens when you change YOUR behavior".

Insight often guides behavior change, and TG, you have lots of insight into the behavior of others. But it's your behavior that needs to change.

TG, i think what CM is saying is that nothing changes unless you change. Your house guests are not going to arise one morning and say " oh, we've been taking advantage! We must change!"

Nope. You are going to have to have a quiet sitdown with your daughter and with your dad. " Dad, these are the house rules, regarding the dog, the food, cleaning, locking up. Without these things being followed, your living here isn't going to work out anymore". Repeat with daughter.

Whatever whining, crying or protesting that follows, you shrug, sigh a bit and say,
" that's the deal if you plan on living here. Otherwise, other plans need to be made".

Can you follow that script?

TG, very memorably to me, when my MIL was studying for her law qualifications in late middle age she chucked my recently graduated ex out of the family home and imposed a cooking rota on my two SIL's, who were then students.

On one night when the older sister forgot it was her turn and went out with friends, she came home to find that night's lamb chops defrosting on her pillow (and turned vegetarian on the spot, but that is by the bye).

I am not suggesting that turning into a somewhat vicious narcissist is something to aspire to, but you do have plenty of scope for exploring a happier mean don't you think?

TG, can you explain to me, idiot that I clearly am, in simple language, why, if you are so unhappy with your current living situation, can figure out a way to make it better, you are so very resistant to the idea of seeing an outside, objective mental health professional who might be able to help you untangle this mess?

Vent away here, if that's what you want to do. But if you'd like to figure out how to stop living your life as a doormat ( that comment from your daughter, a couple of pages back? That's how these folks view you) then you need to find a family therapist who can show you how to shift the dynamics off YOUR shoulders.

I am coming to realize that they may not leave for some time. The big issues is the SIL is complacent. Why do anything when your mommy and wife do everything or in this case MIL and FIL. We cook and clean. All he has to do if come home, read a book, smoke and go to bed. I am up to my ears right now. He wanted this dog so bad but does nothing to tend to it. I thought it was bad with my father! I tell him to do more than the SIL. I haven't said much so as to not upset the tension in the house and make it worse. Last night I had to work so I didn't make dinner. My wife had to. Really? No one pitches in. Tonight the same, I have to work, so dinner is out (make it yourself, I took it out of the freezer). Now I am sure my wife will have to make it when she comes home. Frustrating, When we lived with my parents for 4 months remodeling our house my wife cleaned, cooked and worked and we had a dog and a 3 year old. My mother loved it! It was a tag team effort. Not sure where we went wrong. I'm OK with the no rent so they can save but I have a feeling this is going to be long term with winter coming.... Dad has been easy at this point.... for now.

Tgengine, why doesn't your daughter and SIL pay rent? I don't get it! They are both working good jobs, and if shopping for a mortgage, they can presumably afford to purchase a home, so why aren't you charging them at least $1000 per month to offset your household bills? It would seem that they would appreciate the amenities so much more, if they had to pay for them. Winter is coming and your utilities are sure to be increasing, and they are adults, so should be paying some something towards living the Cushy lifestyle you provide! At some point, you just have to put the hammer down and demand payment on payday! Otherwise, set a date for them to move out, and soon, and then that would be one less thing that would be stressing you out! I know that I could never allow my grown children to live with us ever again! You aren't doing them any favors, treating them like little children! Even children do household chores!

TG, your kids are never going to learn to fly unless you push them out of the nest, I don't think you are doing them any favours. I think you said they were living with SIL's family, now they have been staying with you and they aren't even chipping in to buy food! They are never going to find a home that gives them the comfortable lifestyle they've come to expect... having money for extras like eating out is only possible because they aren't spending it on rent and food, the sooner they learn to budget and live within their means the better.

Granny Smith I feel your pain, I am glad you found ways to cope. I am fairly new at this 3 years in now. I have tried to cope, sometimes it works others it doesn't. He does try to behave but most times the normal comes out. Now he is into taking care of an older gentleman from church driving him around. I am glad he is finding things to do but it still gets overwhelming on my end. It is as if everyone lives in a hotel, dinner is made, food is in the fridge, laundry soap is readily available as is all the comestibles of a house and no one chips in. Hey throw me a $50 once in a while for the AC, the Heat, the electric, the cable HD TVs and WiFi and the cell phones I pay for and the repairs to your car I paid for...
I guess if you are a nice guy they will take advantage of you. My office is directly in the entry to the house so when anyone comes in there is no place to hide. I can't change it unless I am out thousands of dollars a year.
Everyone does what ever they want to do around here. My wife asked our daughter to clean the bathroom they use, why should we do it?
No one makes dinner because I do, then nights when I don't want to cook they all go out or do something else, how come no one makes meals for me? Dad can certainly make batches of cookies (with all my fixings) for church and tell everyone he cooks "gourmet".... not around here apparently. Maybe I wont do anything tonight since I have to be on the road in 2 hours to work tonight...
I'm tired, just plain tired....
the SIL used my lawn tractor to mow the lawn for me this week... great! Well kid of, messed up the new area I amd trying to grow grass in but.... Came home and the hood up.... yup $800 to fix it.... coincidence????.... tired.... just tired.......

The "target on our backs" reference we as caregivers, true. My dad lives with me, no one could ever say his living conditions are bad, but people tried anyway. We never really had a relationship until my mom passed and he begged me to help him after I took care of my mom. Differences in my situation is I'm alone and my dad cannot walk, can't use a computer or even a cell phone, he had a cell, couldn't figure out how to use it.

People will gossip, some feed off drama, some will outright lie to create it. I am well respected by my friends, neighbors and in my community, no criminal record, I was married 35 years my husband passed, I raised two kids who are good people in our community, and I still have to deal with the dark overshadowing reality of living life in a fish bowl as a caregiver, that's how I describe it and frankly I'm caring for a verbally abusive dad, he's made that way, I've been called every name in the book, I'm treated like an old school waitress and secretary, not like a daughter. My problems that are similar to what you and your wife are dealing with don't come from my dad running around town saying stuff that's not true, but come from a sibling, a female neighbor of dads who spread trash talk, and a couple of cousins checking up on me regularly as well, not to help me, but to look for dirt and spread it around dads old neighborhood and around the family. My dad and I do argue at times, and I've learned to walk away, it's best for me to do that, it lowers my blood pressure, he does it intentionally to upset me for entertainment, I've learned not reacting is the best response.

Overall, first I'll tell you there's nothing you can do about what people say, except to publicly show it's not true, you do that tactfully realistically and hopefully have good people around you who will support you even just a little, make a point to note the good days and times, and not the bad with your dad, friends, family, socially, etc.... One of my dad's neighbors approached me to let me know a woman was gossiping quite a bit about crazy stuff, told me who, and when she contacted me again acting like a friend, I knew who to write off my friend list, so I did. The cousins came out quite a bit, I knew what they were doing, I welcomed them, they realized after awhile that everything my brother was saying was at the least exaggerated if not an outright lie. Cousins went about their own business as they should have. My dad drives me crazy and I just need a break too, so I make sure I get one.

The following, forgive the obvious, but I'll list it.

1. This a great site for venting frustrations, keep it here, not with family and friends, it'll spread and grow ugly if you vent to other people, even under the best intentions. Ugly backfires might cause dad to hack your texts and facebook.

2. Find safe zones for yourself on your property, in your house, around town. Places where you can go, dad can't or doesn't know about, have quiet time away from dad when you need it, harmless places he can't get to. I moved my room to the top floor of my house because my dad can't do stairs, it's also quiet up there, I can't hear his tv, or the 8th time he's yelled for coffee at 10 pm, and he knows it so now he doesn't bother me after 9:30, I tell him I moved up there because it's cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter, not because of him and he's good with that, prevent him complaining. I also work outside during the day after he's taken care of so I can get peace and quiet.

3. What you do have to do for dad, any and all of it put on a regular schedule, so you can work your daily routine around it.

4. Take dad to do what he likes once a week, even just something very small, take a smiling photo of yourself with dad and post it everywhere. Sounds dumb, but think about it, if there's a lot of bad social stuff going on, that one action throws water on the smoke, make a point of having a good day with dad once a week, even for just an hour or two, whether he likes it or not, at least you tried.

5. Don't send him to the sibling, I might be wrong, but I think it might make things worse. We get our breaks as caregivers in an hour here and there usually, make room for those breaks.

6. Do a scheduled visit for your dad at your house by family and/or friends. They can see the environment dad lives in, even a dinner party.

7. If dad is verbally abusive to you and lies about you in front of others, let him, and then calmly rationally contradict what he's said right there in front of others, ie; My dad will say I don't feed him, he's 6' 230 lbs., he's obviously not starving, when he acts like that, I'll offer to get him a cup of coffee. When he complains about his living quarters, I'll say did you want to still keep those extra channels you have on my tv in your quarters dad or should I cancel those on my dish bill, lol.