Siblings that not only refuse to help but actively work to make things harder for me to care for my father.
My husband and I have been POA for both my parents since 2012, my mom died peacefully at home 2014 but not without a lot of drama and high intensity trouble from my siblings, we went right into caring for my dad who had vascular dementia and not only have I had ZERO help or even emotional support from my 3 siblings (all live with 45 min drive) they have used social media and gossip to imply we have isolated my father or kept them out, when in reality we have exhausted our family time, emotions and finances caring for him and MADE A POINT of keeping the doors and property ALWAYS OPEN for their visits, even paying his cell phone and upgrades since 2009 and getting him hearing aides (which he refuses to wear) and setting up social media accounts for him (which they ruined by sniping). He has finally gone onto hospice and too far gone to benefit from a visit, but I will bear the brunt of criticism as soon as they are informed of his death. My husband actually fears they may trying breaking into my dad's home or even burning our home or vandalizing our property (yes, they really are that bad) so he is on high alert. It's awful & seems like it will never end, we will never have our lives back. I have a six year old (I'm an older mom) and we have never spent a night of vacation with him anywhere.
In truth, my siblings - 2 haven't spoken to my dad in years and rarely answer his frequent letters, one visits briefly and infrequently - are the ones who tried to isolate dad and punish me apparently for being mentally capable and setting some boundaries as well as trying to achieve some normalcy for my parents at the end of their lives. And guess what! No drama or trouble now as my dad peacefully passes away on hospice; none of them have ever called me or my husband to check on him, they don't even know he is now dying at 89. They have had every opportunity to be involved. I'm exhausted, sad my husband signed up for the gig without realizing how much it would drain us (he's been a better son to my parents than the two they had) and BEYOND burned out, but I'd rather be me than my miserable siblings.
3 Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- My power of attorney status is causing terrible difficulty between my siblings and me. Any suggestions?
- How do I work with family members that are passing judgement and are assigned POA and executor of estate, with age and gender on their side?
- My mom has a checking account and wants to get a permanent at the rehab place she is at. I buy everything and then I am broke. What should I do?
- I need help with POAs, insurance, and nursing homes. My stepbrother has control of it all and refuses to help me with my mother. Any advice?
As for social media - I'm not into that but is there a way to leave your page open for viewing without allowing others to comment? It seems to me if you posted updates there nobody could claim to be uninformed or that you are withholding info.
I have five living siblings, only one of whom is local, and we (my local sister and I) informed everyone when my mother was dying. All but one came to visit, even though one sister barely saw my mother conscious in the three days she was here. The "problem child" of the family did not come, and did complain afterwards that she wasn't kept informed, never had a chance to say goodbye, etc. However, she lives 1000 miles away and has not opportunity to make trouble for anyone, other than by phone calls and emails.
Your siblings sound like major troublemakers, but perhaps that's all the more reason to give them this opportunity, whether they take it or not, so that they can't claim afterwards that you deceived them or had some ulterior motive in keeping your father away from them. Just my thoughts, for what they're worth!
As far as the social media goes, I would block the abusive family members from both yours and your dad's pages and change all of the settings to private so that only people whom you add can see posts. If others choose to believe what they say, you don't have much control over that, but those that truly know the situation (and your true friends) know you and know the truth.
I know it really stinks. I've had this happen to me as well. Lord only knows what people think of me, but I've reached the point that I really don't care because I know that I am doing the best I can in doing right by my mom. Her health and mental health are much better without the drama and abuse that she went through with my sibling.
You may want to install security cameras at yours and your dad's homes. There are even some systems where you can monitor them remotely through an app on your phone. I am checking into this as well for my mom's house.
Hugs, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's awful when you're trying to do the right thing and others in the family want to create drama rather than caring about the parent's well-being.