His sister who is presently living in their mother's home feels he should be changing Mom's 'briefs' when he is there in his sister's absence, My husband would prefer to preserve his mother's dignity...He is not at all comfortable with doing this. But, his sister is...difficult.
Perhaps it's time for this dear one to be in a facility where professionals take care of her and the family can come in dignity and visit after others have done the hard jobs.
I'm with sadTexas Sister and Marcia7321. Hubby would not want to change places with is sister, I guarantee you. Since he can't man up to the job, someone needs to be hired part time to do this essential and other care while his sister gets a break each day to have something of a life of her own.
He is as kind as he can be, and just gets the job done. Mother has never complained.
But, brother is an EMT and has seen EVERYTHING under the sun.
I don't see why he can't do this. It's not pleasant, for either parties, but it's a necessity.
My advice would be to learn the easiest procedure of accomplishing the task, for you and her. A small towel strategically placed when possible may help. When you are the only caregiver in the house at the moment you have to make the choice. The Depends can accommodate a certain amount of urine without needing to be changed for a bit. The other, well..... dignity gets harder to maintain. Good luck and God bless.
His sister is doing a tremendously difficult job, please give her support and not criticisms. Maybe your husband can pay for an aide to come in and care for his mom to give his overworked underappreciated sister time to defuse from all the stress of caregiving, you may find she is not difficult at all, just burnt out and overwhelmed by her life being completely consumed by the care she provides for mom.
God bless you both as you go through this.
I agree with everyone. If he is not willing to do the depends change then someone needs to be hired to do it.
I think of it more as a necessity and something that is important and must be done quickly to keep mom dry and clean. At first it bothered me but it became easier and I just wanted to help my dad. If possible, keep gloves and sensitive skin wipes on hand to help you. I hope that encourages you! Thank you for all you do for your family!!
The day he passed, my BIL held my father up at the toilet and I, the daughter, wiped his behind. He was wearing a 'pull-up' but had asked to be taken to the bathroom so together we took my father to the bathroom.
My DH was 96 when he passed and he wore no briefs because for us it was easier - the us being me, the wife, and he the husband. I was able to walk him to the bathroom and cleaned him after he was done. For urination, I helped him to get up, supported him and held the urinal for him.
We all do what must be done. There is a time for dignity and a time when it no longer matters.
It was a bit uncomfortable for me at first, but I was the only one around to do it. If Mom was uncomfortable about it, she never said anything, and I never asked. It was just my way of dealing with it.
Eventually, in my mind, the rolls reversed, and I became the father, and she became my child. However, this does not mean that I ever lost respect for my mom.
I love my mom. She died in June of 2017. I have never been married and have no children. It is a bit lonesome without her. She was my world for 20 years, after the passing of my dad, and I miss her terribly.
Encourage your husband to take care of his mom or make arrangements for someone else to do it. She should NEVER be left to sit in her soiled Depend. By the way, I would ask my mom several times a day if “it was time to go to the bathroom”. I would help her into the bathroom. Sometimes she had to “go” and other times not. But, often this would reduce the cleanup time, if caught in advance.
If his mom is unable to wipe herself any more, make sure you talk to him about how to wipe a woman to prevent infection. I would also make sure you have wipes around to help with the cleanup.
I wish you all the best.
I am a female and never, ever could I have done that for my dad. I would have had to hire someone.
This man seems to be thinking not at all about dignity, except his own, and the wife is supporting this self-centeredness. Triangulating about his mother’s dignity does not get the job done. How does it respect his SISTER to assign her the poopy jobs?
No one has to be talked into liking this essential task. Who on earth would like it?! Of course the sister is “difficult” — might it be that she finds his lame excuse annoying, and the wife’s support of ber husband annoying, too?
The sister seems to know that the situation is not one that can accommodate his inclinations & sensibilities. Poop is not a respecter of feelings.
It's very important to change briefs in a timely manner so there's no chance of breakdown (elder's skin becomes thin; breakdowns in the skin are possible when sitting in a wet brief).
I (female) never thought I'd be changing my dad's briefs and cleaning his privates, yet I am.
Just doing what's required....
But in a frail, elderly body -- with papery skin and poor circulation -- even an hour in a wet diaper can cause skin breakdown, an early-stage bedsore. Sometimes these don't heal, become infected, get progressively worse. They are ghastly painful and can lead to a whole-body infection.
I'm inclined to agree with the commenters who say 'some folks just can't do diapers of adults' ... but if he can't, then there needs to be a provision for someone to be there who can. And the right answer isn't to insist that the sister stay home 24/7 -- she deserves a life and may have many other obligations and needs.
Bottom line: husband needs to be taught how, and become willing to do it. Or someone needs to be hired for those times. But letting an elder get infections and sores is not an option.