Reasons Why People Say “Yes” When They Should Say “No.”
I found this article to be really interesting.
Written by, Rachael Bernstein LMFT, MSEd
It’s too long of an article to list everything. So, I am going to highlight the most relevant aspects that I feel fits in regards to caregiving.
Feelings of guilt
When you say “Yes” you may avoid having feelings of guilt. If you are prone to feeling a high level of guilt and feel as if you’re responsible for everything, then you will worry about feeling guilty if you say “No.”
You feel as if you are letting people down. You don’t know if you can live with yourself if you say “No.” You fear hearing the words, “We thought we could count on you.” So you say “Yes” to avoid hearing these words.
Family Influence
Saying “Yes” is related to the behavioral conditioning you went through while growing up. You learned to become a ‘people pleaser’ and never to say “No” to anyone in authority.
Lack of Energy
You might say “Yes” because you don’t have the energy to say “No.” If you have been neglected, abused or pushed to the brink, you are depleted of your energy. You may be so exhausted that you cannot handle being questioned, having to defend or justify your position or having someone upset with you.
Responsible
You often feel responsible for other people’s emotions. If you say “No” to someone and they become angry, you feel responsible for their anger. You will then do whatever will make things right to avoid “making them angry” again.
Integrity
Manipulators use the word “integrity” often. They expect you to be open to anything and say “Yes” to everything. Ironically, people who are manipulative do not have any integrity themselves.
Conditional Relationship
You sense that the relationship that you have is conditional rather than unconditional. You are afraid to say “No” to test the waters. You say “Yes” to please them. You are afraid to say “No” to set firm boundaries.
Dependent Personality
You are afraid of someone detaching from you if you say “No” You say “Yes” so you won’t feel abandoned.
Rescue Hero
You have found that it feels good to jump in and be the rescue hero, a savior by agreeing to do something. This is internally driven motivation. Controlling people love when people are motivated by thinking they are doing the ‘right thing’ because they don’t have to work so hard to coerce you to serve them.
Fear Of The Unknown
Saying “No” places you in the realm of the unknown. Some people will gravitate towards the familiar rather than opening the door up to the unknown. So they continue to agree and say “Yes” to others.
Reliance
You have either told yourself or others have told you that you are the only one that can do this job. So you may feel as if everything will fall apart if you say “No.”
😊 Absolutely!
Thank-you for your praise and wonderful words. I chose my screen name BurntCaregiver because at the time that is what I was. This group helped me so much because I was living in hell.
We are all still 'a work in progress' every one of us. Nothing wrong with that because it means we are still capable of progress and change.
You deserve all the joy in the world too, my friend. I think we both deserve a hurricane as well. I'm making a pitcher of them tonight for me and the old man. Why not? So what if it's Monday. It's Friday somewhere in the world LOL
I truly admire your strength. Sometimes, we find our strength from going through our toughest battles.
I know that you chose BurntCaregiver as your screen name but I feel that it should be ‘Surviver’ or ‘Warrior’ because you may have battle wounds like all of us have from caregiving, but you lead the way now!
It took so long for me to find my strength. Oh my gosh, never in my life will I ever again be the broken woman that I was.
I know that you and I dealt with heartbreaking family dynamics at times and it is a life changing experience, for sure. I’m still a work in progress.
I am so happy for you that your caregiving years are behind you. 25 years is a very long time, indeed!
You deserve all the joy in the world now.
Until I finally decided to start pleasing myself. Sure, I care. I want to help if I want to help if I can, but if I don't then that's fine too.
I realized a long time ago that I'm not the only person in the world who can do a job or who can help. The world will not end if I say 'no' to something or someone.
I have yet to see a black helicopter land on my front lawn. No secret service agents flooding out of it to haul me off to an unknown location because I said 'no' to babysitting your kid or your elder.
No tear in the space-time continuum occured because I don't meet every want and need personally.
Helping is great if a person wants to do it. Caregiving for an elder doesn't always have to be a miserable experience. If someone wants to take it on and try it out, they should.
Just make sure it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
You said that beautifully! I couldn’t agree more! It’s really sad when these things occur.
I believe I am seeing a dynamic like Mid's inlaws too. Didn't wish to hijack her thread.. Someone wants whatever, people refuse to say no, help is hired, help is declined/refused, potential for neglect is created.
When someone CARES so much, is conditioned to care & give... Continues to give freedom of choice but without limits. Where does this go?
Control on one end of a spectrum - Freedom on the other.
Too much control = abuse
Too much freedom = neglect
If I had let my children eat cake & icecream for every meal, go to the playground at night on their own..? Neglect.
You said it. Every situation requires setting realistic limits!
Even if a parent is in a facility, and has their basic care needs met, and they are demanding that their child fulfill all of their desires, their child has the right to say, “No!, I am not willing to do that.”
I am not the same person that I was. I now know that I should have said, “No.” Plus, if I had it to do over I would have not been so ready to offer as much help as I did.
My friend oversees her uncle’s care at a skilled nursing facility. He is her mom’s brother and in his late 90’s. She visits him once a week and checks in with the staff. She takes care of his necessities. He is a kind and considerate man who isn’t demanding in any way. She looks forward to spending time with him.
For me, what if I had been truly unable to say no to that rediculous child pickup roster? What would my boss say as I left work early..? Or the school Principal as my own children were left stranded at the school gates..? Unrealiable worker & unsafe parent is what.
Taking on a family caregiving role if you have capacity to do so is a very different thing.
But it still needs limits. Otherwise the 'mission creep' takes over.
I hear what you’re saying and you’re right.
Caregiving for our parents when we have our own responsibilities is asking for too much. It really is.
We could be stinking rich though and not have any desire to become a full time caregiver for our parents. It’s the toughest job ever! It’s physically and emotionally exhausting.
Yet, I was one of the foolish people who felt like they had to be available for my parents. It cost me to do this, I regret quitting work and devoting so much time to my mom that I missed out on some of my own family time and time with friends.
I was one of the examples that the therapist referred to in the article that I posted above. I was the ‘reliable’ one who couldn’t let others down.
For some reason, I thought I had to be the one who did the hands on care. No, I didn’t! Just because I was the only daughter. Just because I had a husband who had a good paying job. Just because I was the child that was dependable. I wish that I could have known like you did to say, “No.”
I had a terrible fear of disappointing my parents. I felt so badly for all of the times that my oldest drug addicted brother hurt them. So, I felt that I had to be the good child. I wish I had gone to therapy sooner than I did, because I truly needed it.
I suffered from being a full time caregiver. Plus, I really don’t feel that it’s the best thing for our parents either. It teaches them to become fully dependent upon us.
Deep down, mom hated being a burden on us. She shared many things with me before she died.
I know very few people who have made a success of caring for elders at home. The two women who did were both daughters in law who continued to work; full time aides were brought in to do the hands on care.
Yeah, some things do leave us speechless because we can’t find a word to describe it. A roster to pick up a child? Wow! That’s asking for a bit much when you were working and had your own child.
On the phone is hard because they can’t see our facial expressions.
In person, though, we can show a ‘puzzled or shocked’ look to get our message across to them.
LOL 😆 Then, the expression on our faces tells the whole story of how we feel about it.
It IS harder for single parents that's for sure. But same as for elder-care, child-care needs to be a fair arrangement for both sides. Some Grandparents raise their grandchildren completely while the parents work. This was a common occurance for migrants in my city when I grew up. Probably still is. Many have that social arrangement of shared family care, old & young.
My parents, like you & like me, had the Grands sit occassionaly, never wanting to take advantage. They mostly made they own local arrangements.
I was truly shocked when someone called me with plans to make a roster for regular school children pick up, 45mins away, to save the parents paying a sitter! Ignoring my job + collecting my OWN children!
I had wished there was word that meant no + are you kidding + get some commonsense + a reality check.
Interesting that you bring up babysitting.
Our children had a beautiful bond with their grandparents. They babysat occasionally but I never wanted to take advantage of them.
I can see how a grandparent could get tired of babysitting if it was an everyday occurrence. For the most part we hired sitters when we needed them
I also saw the discussions on what were reasonable limits to set. How these could differ. One day a week of elder care was the top limit for some of my Aunts, but my Mother decided more would be OK for her. My Father had endless ability to give.. which I saw as generous... inability to say no??Hmm
OK here's a theory.. do the youngest children get more conditioned to say yes? Having to obey their parents but also older siblings (or even cousins)?
Absolutely!
Most of us naturally yearned to be independent by the time we reached adolescence.
Some of us were able to maintain wanting to remain independent as adults and others became trapped by our various circumstances.
I was certainly trapped by my unhealthy thoughts for many years. We aren’t functioning as adults as long as we are living with our parents.
I became trapped because I felt it was my responsibility to do everything myself. It wasn’t my responsibility.
I wish that I could have been like you and many others who didn’t choose to do the hands on caregiving themselves.
Looking back, I can see that it becomes unhealthy for our parents too. We taught them to solely rely on us.
I never saw my parents take care of their parents, yet I still felt responsible for them. I think part of that was because I was the only girl and the most dependable child.
Once we start ‘at home’ care in ‘our’ homes, it seems to become harder to break away from it. It is better not to start it if possible. Or at least, set a reasonable time frame for how long the care at home will last.
I was very fortunate that I got to witness my mom setting limits and saying "no" to her mom early in my life.
Things aren’t always as simple as they appear to be, especially if we have grown up in dysfunctional families. We are confused growing up and life becomes very complicated.
I find that a lot of people question a situation, or judge others without knowing or understanding what the background story is.
I enjoy reading your posts and know that you are capable of understanding all of the different aspects of caregiving.
Some people don’t seem to have the capability to see the reasons why things are as they are.
It takes time to process information and deconstruct what they have learned throughout their entire life.
XO
Here’s the thing, first of all, they need to feel safe. They have been criticized enough by their parents. Secondly they are looking for comfort and deserve to have empathy and support from the forum.
They have been raised in a way that they truly don’t know how to say “No.” It’s going to take them awhile to process that other people have lived a different type of life and do know how to say “No.”
Even if they haven’t been happy, they have been in their situation for so long that it has become normalized for them.
I hear you. Very often things are one sided!
Sometimes, things are so subtle in the beginning that we don’t recognize what we are doing. Until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
You’re so right about us maturing enough to understand what is happening!
Plus every household has different family dynamics. Some people truly don’t understand the struggles that some of us have faced growing up and how strong of an impact it had on us throughout our lives.
Those who are wise seek out therapy to find answers. Therapy helped me tremendously.
Many of us are taught we can’t say No to our parents , no matter how old we get.
I second that! I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
As children most of us weren’t allowed to say “No.”
Depending on how difficult our childhood situation was, not being able to say “No” can carry over into adulthood.
Me, at 73 I am learning the word no. Seems my friends have no problem using the word. If I don't want to do something, I now say no. I am retired, my time is my own.
I hear you and feel your pain too! There are many things I wish that I could do over.