I heard mom’s phone ringing. She was napping. It was my brother. I texted him saying that she was napping. No response from him.
A few minutes later I hear a knock at my door. It’s both of my brothers who were never close to mom for years unless it was for a meal or to get money from her.
Mom has been pissed because I have been standing up to her. The crap stirrer that she is, she has been telling me that she wants a ‘meeting’ with all of us. She has been ‘tattling’ on me. I told her no meeting without my husband. I told my brother that too. They only want to trample me. I am not up for this crap. Nerves are shot to hell!
I am not close to my brothers for good reasons. I tried over and over to have a good relationship and finally gave up.
We just don’t have very much in common and to put it bluntly they and mom are sexist, among other things.
What goes on in my house is my business, not theirs but mom has never been one to respect my privacy which is why I don’t confide in her. I don’t have a clue what goes on in their homes and furthermore I don’t care!
My brothers walk in my house today, no phone call to tell me they are coming. Pretend to be friendly with me. It’s fake, trust me. My nerves are frazzled from mom involving them in petty arguments that she starts.
I don’t trust my emotions so I walked outside and stayed there until they left. I called my friend to talk. She said to me not to be around them if I didn’t trust myself because I shouldn’t lose my temper because they would use that against me and not to give them the satisfaction.
That’s how they are, three against one. They left. Waved goodbye and pretended to be friendly again. I know they are plotting some crap and I just can’t tolerate this anymore. They have been sneaky before. They purposely came during the day when my husband wouldn’t be home and I would be vulnerable.
It was lunch time when they left. Believe me, I am so furious that I wasn’t about to cook a nice meal for her. She got a hot dog! I made her a nice breakfast earlier. Had no idea they had this cooked up!
I want to know what they discussed and I don’t want to know. I’m sick of this crap! They do nothing and criticize me! Never ask for my side. Hail Mom! She’s the queen and I am dirt!
I know I sound ridiculous. I’m sorry about that. I wanted to leave my house while they were here. My brother had me blocked in. I knew one brother would have to get back to work so I couldn’t have stayed out long.
I am afraid to talk to mom because it will turn into a huge fight. If I ignore her she will be furious too. But I am not going to speak to her. Not now. There is no way I want to speak to my brothers. They are both ‘know it all’ blow hards that believe her freakin BS!
Called my husband and he feels they are cowards because they never speak to him. He is annoyed at their shenanigans! I sort of want my husband to speak to them but not sure. Okay, enough of my rambling. If I could get her out of my house today I would!
My fear, I am so upset about a lifetime of crap that I would stay angry and she will die and I will regret being mad. I do not plan on having a relationship with my brothers when she dies. I hate the thought of making burial arrangements. It will be just going through the motions being with them. It isn’t a genuine relationship.
Who knows, maybe my mom is giving them total control over everything now because she’s upset with me. Not that I have any control now, only medical power of attorney. My brother is executor if her will. The will she made with my brother, of course! I’m only good enough to be her servant!
If no one wants to respond to my stupid broken record, I completely understand. Trust me, I am sick to death of living it!
Thanks so much for your encouragement and kindness. It means the world to me. I miss everyone too. Support is helpful.
I did so much for so long on my own and was on autopilot. Compassion from others is a beautiful gift and I truly appreciate it.
I do believe that God designed us all to be family and it’s comforting to know that people are kind and helpful. Thank you.
There is so much wisdom in your comments. It’s true we question why things happen the way they do. There are things that we don’t understand. We do need to be willing to move forward in a healthy way. I appreciate your kindness.
You will raise out of these ashes and be made new...I have a feeling something amazing will happen for you, but first you must go through this pain and then heal! You are a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for!
Good to hear from you and you are in my prayers!🌈💓
Hugs!!
Keep talking.
We will never give up on you.
Prayers for you
I like your suggestion about the name. It’s about time for some positive changes in my life. Actually, long overdue. Just so new still, I lived for many, many years planning or coordinating my life in accordance with mom’s life, daddy’s life, my deceased brother’s life. I am definitely not used to putting myself first.
I would also like to be able to trust again and not feel like I have to fight to control. Not sure if I am wording it correctly, but to surrender and not be scared of the outcome. I’d like to be willing to welcome good surprises in my life.
Oh gosh, when I was young I thought ‘variety was the spice of life.’ Surprises were fun! Afterwards in caring for mom, every single day was a repeat of the day before and surprises were rarely fun, usually something like an ER trip or another fall.
You are so correct, as CW confirms, that when you are in the midst of the chaos, it's impossible to see that the need to change is in your hands, and even that change is necessary.
I know you feel fragile now, but you will get the tools to regain your resolve and strength. If you change your screen name (some of us have done that a couple of times) something referring to strength, resilience and phoenix come to mind.
((((((Hugs))))))))
First of all, thank you for your kindness, honesty and wisdom in your answers. Yes, a weight is lifted even amongst the pain. Thanks for pointing that out to me. I need to be reminded of what is most important. It helps.
Sometimes we have to stop something to begin again and not look at it as quitting. I wouldn’t give myself permission to stop. Ultimately I had to hear it from me. My heart wouldn’t allow me to say it. It’s not good to sacrifice ourselves. I guess I wasn’t a good martyr. Or maybe it just wasn’t my calling to do so. For some it is. All situations are unique to that individual and their caregiver.
Crippling is a very accurate word to describe what can happen in certain situations.
I don’t feel like I have risen above anything just yet but I’m going to try as much as possible to do so.
Will take some reprogramming but I have a great guy, two beautiful daughters, others and special people on this forum beside me so all is not lost.
Transitioning times are the hardest. I’m grieving for my mom who isn’t even dead. She’s gone without closure.
I wish things would have ended differently, peacefully in a natural manner. I wish we were able to have a healthy relationship. The future is full of uncertainties. In spite of it all I owe it to myself and others to move forward.
I have not been able to speak on the forum for a few reasons, mainly because of being in shock, dealing with anxiety, depressed, confusion, hurt and anger about the circumstances. Unpleasant endings are hard. I also tend to isolate myself when upset. Something I have done since childhood.
I want to thank every single person that private messaged me to help. It means more to me than you could ever know.
This may sound silly but I also can’t stand to look at my screen name anymore so I want to delete it and register with a new name.
Certainly NeedHelpWithMom doesn’t apply anymore and it makes me very sad. I can’t think of a new name and I am open to suggestions because I may be tempted to choose something negative like Lost-And-Afraid and I don’t want to do that. I want something positive, a fresh start of sorts.
I hate the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop because of not being able to predict other people’s actions but I do know that I am doing all that I can to be prepared. I have not spoken to my brothers or my mom. I feel that is best right now.
Even if both of my brothers suddenly disappeared we would not allow her back into our home because it was too hard for us. Everyone has to make their own decisions about these situations. It’s not a ‘one size fits all’ kind of thing.
This may be hard for some people to understand but I don’t think I even realized just how difficult it was.
Yes, my husband and children tried to tell me that it was becoming too difficult. A few other family members and friends did too.
My therapist absolutely told me in the past that my mother was a burden on me. Many of you told me.
I did not know how to accept that she could possibly be a burden and felt it meant that I was a failure.
My mother always expected me to be the perfectionist that she was and I suppose that is something that was drilled into my head from very young so it was hard for me to easily shake off. My children would not refer to me as a perfectionist. I did not want to pass that onto them. I taught them to be responsible but no one is perfect.
I must admit the advice not to continue caregiving in my home fell on deaf ears due to being so committed to mom and the memory of my sweet father, also the memory of my mom’s parents. I adored my grandparents. I truly felt compelled to care for mom out of obligation and initially. I really did feel that it was the right choice for all of us.
As time went by I saw it was wrong but felt trapped. I questioned myself. I felt as if I was broken and had to ‘fix or adjust’ my attitude.
I was wrong. My attitude wasn’t broken. I was breaking. Honestly, I am still broken. I still feel that I could break into a million pieces and I absolutely hate being that vulnerable. I want to feel strong, not fragile. I want to feel peace, not anxious. I want to feel certain, not confused.
I do want to heal. I have to believe that is possible because of all the kindness that I have felt from all of you. I have to listen and learn.
Sometimes it takes being away from the chaos to see it. I couldn’t see it when I was in the middle of it.
Everyone has their own story. It’s called life, not a fairytale. Believe me, I learned that the hard way.
Because of the difficult struggles in my past I felt that come hell or high water that I would create my fairytale ending and ‘live happily ever after.’ I know better now and hopefully one day will be a little bit wiser.
Promise me that you won’t give up on me and I promise all of you that I will sincerely try. I may stumble for awhile. Sometimes we are lucky enough that when we fall we get thrown a lifeline. I am grateful to each and everyone of you. Thank you.
We all love you and are so sorry you are going through such things. It will all be ok. Take care of yourself, everyone here will be keeping good thoughts for you, praying for you and waiting for you to smile again.
You are a strong lady and you will get through this. You will, believe it. Don't allow fear to steal your hope, your faith, your joy.
As was said the Lord works in mysterious ways, this is an answered prayer. And soon you will see it too.
Take care of yourself, you have nothing to worry about. You have gone above and beyond especially for the one you were providing care for.
There is no shame in your game.
Hang in there. We love you.
You are in my prayers
Please do not do it!
Let her go. Pack her stuff and ship it to his house.
For 15 years you took care of your mother and this is how it ends?
None of the three have any respect for you or the sacrifices you have made over the years.
Look at it this way, they solved your problem. She is their problem now.
It appears that you as well as your mother has had enough & both of you need a change.
You’ve repeatedly said that your mother does not have Dementia - thus you realize she made the choice to leave. Your brothers agreed with mother & took her out.
Its irreparable now due to their decisions and actions.
Let it go. Your brothers don’t have a leg to stand on as far as reporting you to APS. For what? You are your mothers slave & have been for years.
Retained a lawyer for what? I would just watch & wait (and clean out her room).
Again don’t allow them to threaten you! Realistically what could they possibly cite as elder abuse? Come on now...
Hold the line. You are free. It’s what you wanted. She’s out! And guess what, she will be ok. As will your brothers. Life will go on.
I would think you’d be rejoicing today but no, more drama.
Whats the real worry now other than idle threats to call APS? I think something is missing. Is it an inheritance issue? You weren’t getting income from her and she won’t spend any of it on caregivers. Does mom have a nest egg? If she does, it’s because YOU,NHWM, have supported her and gave her the opportunity to save.
And now you can’t communicate via an anonymous Internet forum - why? Do you actually think your brothers & mother will spend resources on paying to subpoena your social media sites? Pay an attorney ~$450/hr to do so? Not likely.
You are not thinking of pressing charges for kidnapping, are you? That too will cost you attorney fees. Geez I hope not.
Today get busy and stay busy. Go get your hair done. Binge watch “Frankie & Grace” on Netflix and spend the day laughing on your couch. I myself am stifling a giggle thinking about what the three of them
Don’t overthink. It’s simple. You have won.
You will have questions about the care of your Mom that will go unanswered.
Your siblings basically came and kidnapped your Mom from your care.
It happens. More than you know. Of course you are upset, and after being sick just days ago.
Your Mom may try to call you and complain about your brothers soon.
It is up to you how you choose to avoid more drama at that point, or even if you will take her calls. Have a plan, work it out with your therapist.
Acting in such a way as to avoid legal issues may help. I have heard people say,
"I cannot comment due to pending litigation". Your attorney can advise you.
It will all work itself out. Hold your head up high, for all you've done for Mom.
I had a hot dog for lunch today. Hot dogs are an excellent lunch!
Your house is now Fort Knox. I’d be willing to bet your DH would be on board with keeping it that way;)
Remember not to defend yourself. They have broken trust and you will not open your family up to another situation like what happened today. Period.
And, my dear, of course no one is mad at you. Your job #1 is to take care of yourself and your family. You don’t have to take care of us, lol.
I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you have been given a great gift.
You are no longer trapped!
Think about it. All of the stress, the anxiety, the bullying... it was all just pulled out of your lap and out of your home.
Do NOT let it back in.
Bros have given you the perfect excuse. You will not put yourself and your family back in the path of unwarranted and unreasonable accusations again. You will now protect your immediate family and your home.
Your home is now peaceful again. Talk through with hubby how to box up and deliver stuff. Let him deliver if necessary. Then, stop talking about it. Talk about something joyful, something completely unrelated to this hot mess that you have been handling for years. It will be hard at first, but push yourself to the good.
This is a release.
Say that over and over again in your mind. Then just smile. And keep smiling until you feel like smiling, lol.
Methinks bros are blowing a lot of smoke. But, Mom isn’t living in your house as of right now. If APS shows up, you tell them that she is no longer living there. Then you say calmly that it is so sad what happens with dementia. Stay calm and speak little.
If there is anything else, have an attorney handle ALL communication.
Don’t over dramatize. You will very likely see your mother again. And if you don’t? What is the worst that comes out of that?
You did what you could for someone difficult.
Not to sound cold, but people through the centuries have said goodbye way earlier than this and lived to tell the tale.
And honestly, the likelihood of that is teeny tiny.
You are ok. Cognitive behavioral therapy would probably be much more helpful to you at this point than talk therapy. Validation is great but you, sister, need tools. Use what people have told you on this board. You have a lot of tools here, if you pick them up.
I repeat, do not even entertain the thought of letting her back in. DH can help you by refusing;)
No tears, no anger, no fighting, no self-justifications. There are consequences for actions. They pulled her out and falsely accused you. The consequence for that is that they now have full responsibility AND they no longer have your trust. Period. Say nothing more.
Now go cuddle your family and smile.
This is a release. Your life is your own again!
I would agree with the others here that they are playing you! You have done nothing wrong. This was probably the plan the whole time and Cwilly is right, your mom was telling your brothers the half truths and the woes me on them...my mother did the same thing and I am sure there are many on here that could say the same.
Your mom program you as my mother program me...We are Not Broken...we just need to be reprogram! And I was and you can be too! You are not broken! You were a kid when your mom started programming you; how were you suppose to know?
Your mom is out of your house, don't you see what she has done to you she will do it to them?
You are going to be okay...it well work out at the end you'll see.
I wish I could be there with you and help you, but we are all here for you.
Just breath!
Hugs!!!
It's okay to be angry at your dysfunctional family!!!!!!!
It is okay to express anger.
Do not be concerned about us, your caregiver friends.
You know by now that we can carry the conversation a long time without hearing from you, because many of us have been through what you are going through, and come out the other end better than before!
You will take care of yourself, as evidenced by the fact you have reached out.
Good on you!
NHWM, if you see this, please know that you don't need to be concerned about US!!!!!! Be concerned about YOU!!!!!!
((((hugs))))))))
I feel the same. I have a lot of build up resentment towards my parents for the way they've treated me. Plus the adoration of my good for nothing brother. But the past few months, as they've declined, I've come to terms with it. It does't mean I won't spend the rest of my life in therapy, but I've reconciled they are damaged people themselves and probably just did the best they could over the years. We are all products of our circumstances. After the dust settles I hope you can visit your mother and have at least a cordial relationship with her and your brothers. And once she's gone, you don't have to deal with them any longer.
But right now you are too (rightfully) upset. Give yourself time to reconcile your feelings and take the time for yourself. You can dive back in when ready.
It is good that you told someone that you were this upset.
If it helps, I hate your brothers for how they handled this.
Recalling how no good deed goes unpunished.
Come back tonight or tomorrow, when you have regained your composure, keep talking it out, that will help you I think.
I know how you feel. I went through a very similar experience with my father. He would call my brother/cousins and complain I was mistreating him and abusing him. They eventually reported me to APS. I had a full investigation done.
My father's "abuse" was simply my drawing boundaries (no smoking in the house!), but any request was considered abuse to him. APS found nothing wrong, no abuse and the case was closed.
Does your mother have dementia? It turned out my father likely was showing early dementia signs, he really has no recollection of all those phone calls he made.
I'm not sure you shouldn't be the one calling APS. If you feel your brothers may not be providing the care your mother needs you have every right to have APS assess the situation. But please don't worry about your getting in some kind of trouble. Let APS investigate , you have nothing to hide.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's so hard isn't it?
It is more likely that it was intolerable having Mom and your bully brothers mistreat you, as you have described.
I agree with Becky, and the good advice of Barb and CW.
Do call your therapist, getting an emergency appointment if needed.
Of course you are upset, that is understandable. But this does not have to undo
You. Try to take 3 deep breaths, this is not the end of everything.
Your thinking, while this upset, cannot be trusted as totally reliable. For example, when you say: " I will never see her again". To explain....these thoughts are not unusual. We learn in cognitive therapy that is called "All or nothing thinking".
Try to avoid that. Understand, that right now, no matter what your brothers have said, or how your Mom feels, that you may see her again. You just don't know for right now. And for you to recover your stability after this upsetting incident, not knowing has to be okay with you. Sit with not knowing, try to calm yourself.
I know you can do this. So sorry that the goal of getting Mom to move out had to end in anger and a dispute with drama. The goal has been met, not what "they" wanted, obviously, but Mom has left. Carefully pack up her things, and forward them timely. When this happened to a relative, each move his belongings were left behind with each sibling, until he finally made it to a safer place in a nice AL.
Your Mom will make it also, it just takes time. She will likely not get the good care you gave to her. But she will manage. You know why she will have to move again? Because no one will tolerate how she treats you or others....Imo.
So, do what you need to do today, to take care of yourself. Maybe shower. Take some medication if that has been prescribed. Give yourself some time to calm down.
You deserve a break today!