My very dear old friend's mother is dying and I am going out there but I am extremely anxious about the situation.
My mother died in May, so this is not about me anymore. My dear friend's mother was diagnosed about 7 weeks ago with pancreatic cancer (she's 82). She has hospice care and has been asleep/not eating/not drinking for a week. They are giving her morphine and Ativan because without it, she is in terrible pain.
My friend is truly alone - no spouse, no kids, no siblings, no relatives nearby. She lives with her mother in a one-bedroom apt and it is a very dysfunctional situation. They are extremely enmeshed, to say the least.
I'm going out there (from NY to LA) this weekend to be supportive, which I want to be. BUT she wants me to stay there because she is so scared, especially at night, even though there's usually an aide or a nurse there. So I will be sleeping on the couch in the living room. Her mom is dying in the bedroom, my friend is also in the bedroom, and who knows where the aide is. I feel bad, because my friend is the one in hell right now, but I am dreading spending 3 nights on the couch in this extremely upsetting situation. I can't bring myself to tell her I want to stay in a nearby hotel. I'm actually scared to be so close to imminent death of someone I know, plus my friend's intense grief. Plus, I'm 55 and I need sleep.
You are a good friend Xenabess.
I'm back from LA. My friend's mother passed as I was getting on the plane to go out there.
It was a hard weekend, needless to say, but I'm very glad I stayed with her. That's what she needed. She is a wreck, just devastated. I don't think I've ever been near such raw pain. Fortunately, she does have friends around who are rallying, as well as a saint of a neighbor who is at her beck and call.
So that's it. I suggested she seek support on this board (or anywhere) but she just isn't the type. Maybe she'll change her mind.
Apparently the nurse said her mom was dying last night, but then she started breathing normally again. Then the nurse said her mom was probably waiting for ME to arrive to die so that she knew E wouldn't be alone!!!!! (Mom is unconscious, fyi) UGH. Kind of a lot of pressure.
I told E that I HOPE there will be a hospice person there 24/7 (as has been the case, but they keep re-evaluating). I had to be honest. I don't know how much I can handle myself. Also, I'm not sure how I'm going to deal w E's extreme misery.
I will report from the trenches!
If you want to, you could gently inform her that you will be staying in a hotel. To be blunt, she's not really in a position to argue about it, and you could lovingly reassure her of your intention to support her to the best of your ability. But you don't have to martyr yourself.
Better you take sensible precautions and do what's possible than that you try to do exactly what your friend says, find you can't, and break down. Your oxygen mask first, remember.
Go online, type in "hotels nearest to [friend's address]", take your pick. If you're worried about what the neighbourhood might be like to walk around in, you can even use Google Maps street view to have a good look at it first. It only has to be clean and nearby, you're not looking for five star comfort or ambience.
The other lovely thing about hotels is they can help you with transport. Cabs, buses, bike hire - whatever's most practical.
Don't make hints, and don't give her extra work or extra thinking or extra catering to do on top of what she already has. Be the perfect guest in these circumstances - i.e. 100% self-sufficient.
Even though I offered to come, and want to be there for her, I am starting to feel resentful that she doesn't realize I'm going to need some space (and I don't feel comfortable driving around LA on my own). I know she's in a world of pain right now, so I get it, but, still - ugh.
And remember that sometimes, folks who are dying want to do it alone.
Make sure your friend stays hydrated, is eating relatively healthy meals and gets some walking time in, preferably outside in the sun.
You're giving her a great gift, Xina. My SIL stayed by my side while mom was actively dying. It was a gift I can never repay.
Then you will have a safe place to retreat to when you need to, and if you find that you are both helping her and coping yourself and you don't want to leave her alone then you don't, after all, *have* to be in your hotel room at any given point. You will be able to suit yourself.
In such a difficult situation you really do have to play it by ear, one hour at a time. Get the room. And take a good book. You will be helping merely by being present. You don't have to be hands-on with the poor dying lady.
What you're doing is pure gold friendship. Bless you, and good luck, and let us know how it's going.
She's lucky to have such a wonderful friend.
If I were in your shoes, I'd try to calm my nerves with a drink or two but not so much that I can't drive but might help you sleep, and turn on the tv so that there are some human voices to fill the space and provide some distraction. If you are religious, perhaps watch a religious program on tv., read the bible, etc.
The waiting part is the hardest. Nerve wrecking. I feel for you.
Just knowing you are close by will help your friend even if you aren’t with her every minute.
Be up front and tell her your own grief is still so raw that you feel you need a little breathing room. Perhaps this feeling was unexpected until now.
Also see if you can encourage her to know that even if you are back in NY that you are as close as that hotel room for her. Just down the street in spirit and connected in a supportive way.
Im sorry about your own mom’s passing. I hope you are at peace with that and can reassure your friend that she will be able to manage when her mom is gone. I’m so sorry her mom has to be sedated to control her pain now and can’t be alert for her daughter.
This is a very loving thing you are doing for your friend.