My mom is in the hospital and no one told me!

Gee, Cali

I would be afraid if I were your brother too. I agree. People should not count on getting an inheritance. There are expenses that must be paid.

I don’t know what is is with some moms and their sons. I don’t have a son. I have two daughters but I wouldn’t make a difference between a son and a daughter like my mom did.

Needhelp, our moms definitely did us a BIG favor!! My mom flipped stories too and there is even a big incident in which she shifted all blame for what happened to my 2nd cousin! This happened around 15 years ago. My brother had just turned 21 and he had a good job at the casino. He had been out of the youth authority for about a year. He was doing well emotionally and loved his job and was well liked. This was about 2 years after my parents moved out of California. My cousin moved up there to live with his grandpa (my uncle). He’s close in age to my brother and they’ve always been close. Anyway. Long story short, my cousin introduced my brother to the website “my space” which an old social media site. My brother met a girl on there who said she was 18. They met in person and one night the sheriff found them parked, in the back of my moms car, with their pants down. And it came out that this girl was actually 14! They seized my moms computer (I think they thought he had sought out a 14 year old but her MySpace and all the messages they exchanged showed she lied about her age). anyway he went to jail, lost his job and was convicted of having sex with a minor! My mother blames the entire thing on my cousin, because if he hadn’t told my brother about MySpace, he would have never met the girl and gotten arrested! truth is he would have found MySpace regardless, it was popular among young people and everyone knew about it! But my mom blames my cousin for what happened! Ridiculous right?

my husband and I both had to take care of ourselves and pay our own way. My MIL couldn’t afford to help my husband the way she helped his siblings. And like your mom-she bought my BIL cars or gave him care. He didn’t wreck any of them but he made bad choices. About 15 years ago she paid his way through the police academy $5k. Might as well of just burned the money because he will never be a cop). Anyway towards the end of the academy, she bought him a $21k Honda Civic. Not sure why. She had taken out a home equity loan & that’s where the money came from. He didn’t have the Honda long before traded it in and then there were a series of bad decisions that led to both he & his wife’s cars being repossessed and eventually she gave him her Honda that she had bought off me and the Honda she bought off my SIL when SIL got a new car!

But yes our moms did us a favor and like you, it took me time to realize it and be accepting of the situation with my brother. Definitely took time to process. I used to be resentful about it but now I’m not. Because I look at my husband and I, and where we are in life and everything we have and while we may not be rich, we have very little debt (thanks to the new car but that should be paid off by the end of the year) and everything we have, we did it ourselves. We don’t owe anyone. Nothing was handed to us. And we are stronger because of it and we know that we can survive on our own. We’re not dependent on anyone and that is huge. We’re independent.

i still don’t know why my brother doesn’t freak out at the thought of what is going to happen when our parents are gone. With their health problems, I would be afraid if I was him. Every day i would have anxiety thinking that I beed to find a job that pays enough to put a roof over my head!! I don’t know what he is thinking. When they are gone, it’s not like we will come in to a bunch of cash. There won’t be any cash inheritance. There will be a house unless something happens. And if the house is left when the last parent dies, the house still has to be sold and then their debts paid off. They currently owe $20k on the time share and I think $30k on their car. There is second mortgage with a balance of $30k. No idea how much credit card debt but they have multiple cards with balances. The house today is worth $360k. So....he shouldn’t be counting on an inheritance because I have to sell the house and pay off the debt before we see anything!

Cali,

I get it! Totally! I do understand and absolutely appreciate and agree with all you have said. Truly I do. You are right that moms like ours don’t want to hear criticism about their sons.

Yeah, my mom has done the same thing. She would flip flop in her retelling of a story also. They are incredibly protective of their sons. It used to frustrate me terribly but when I realized that she did me a favor by not babying me, I got over it.

Took me some time to process it but I am glad that I saw through it all and it actually caused me to become the independent one who achieved what I desired to do in life instead of using my parents as a crutch like they did.

I got an education and worked for everything I have. I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world. I did without when money was tight. I saved when I needed to. I passed those values onto my children.

When my younger brother crashed his car due to his drinking my parents handed over their car to him. He crashed that one too! It’s true, they no longer drove so they no longer needed it but I knew it was only a matter of time before another wreck. I was taking care of both of them in their home long before mom moved in with me and doing all of the driving.

So my brother gets a new truck after the second crash (totaling that vehicle too) and he received so many tickets that he could no longer afford insurance for his truck.

He then buys a motorcycle and my mom cried because she is afraid of him being killed in a motorcycle accident and expected me to drive and pick him up from work daily. My oldest brother (now deceased) had a horrible motorcycle accident. Totaled a brand new very expensive bike.

I had no problem telling her that was ridiculous for her to ask me to do such a thing! He’s a grown man and I am not a taxi driver! He can drive his bike back and forth to his job.

All of them latched onto independent women who supported them until they divorced them. I realize some divorces can’t be avoided and it’s best all involved but they brought their divorces on themselves because they treated their wives so shabbily!

Well, one brother is on wife number four who is hanging in there. Why? Who knows? The strange part is that she has a masters in psychology!

They were all sexists who felt women should do it all! Just crazy.

Sadly, my relationship ended with my family but the way I see it now is I didn’t lose much. They won’t ever change. I am not putting any more energy into it. Focusing on myself now that I told mom to live with my know it all brother. A person can only take so much criticism before they decide to end it. They pushed me too far.

Thank you Barb & Char!

Needhelp, it’s my mom that is protective of my brother. My dad is pretty neutral. But with my mom, it depends on who she is talking to. Like I remember a few years ago, he was drinking pretty heavily—and I’ve said shared this here many times but he hasn’t worked in over 10 years, has maybe a 10th grade education, no GED, won’t get his GED, won’t go to trade school, NOTHING. Anyway a few Christmas’s ago my parents came down for the holidays as usual and the day after Christmas we met my aunt & uncle on my dads side for lunch and soon as we sat down, before anyone even said anything, my mom got defensive and said she didn’t want to talk about my brother period. Even though no one had said anything! Their sons turned out fine and are productive members of society so my mom feels they are judge mental when it comes to my brother so she doesn’t like talking about him to them. With me, she will tell me if he’s drinking again but at this point I think she is probably tired of my opinion on the situation. Because I have told her several times lately that I don’t understand why he is continuing to be a bum and not get his life together. He has to realize that our parents are aging and both in poor health and not going to live forever. His days of living off them won’t last forever. And when he is drinking, I always ask her how he’s getting the alcohol—and it’s because my parents are buying it or giving him money and I will ask her WHY she’s doing that because she’s enabling him. I don’t get mad or anything, it’s a normal conversation but I don’t hesitate to point out when he’s being enabled and that he needs to get his chit together already. And unfortunately it is becoming a co-dependent relationship between him & my mom. He has been dependent on her his whole life. And now that her mobility is getting worse, she’s relying on him to run errands, pick up groceries, do things around the house. She’s finding it easier to have him do things she can still do. Over Christmas she was talking about things they are gonna do to the house-put in new carpets but she wanted the painting to be done first. And she said she had been paying my brother to paint but apparently he stopped and never finished it. For the life of me I can’t figure out why the hell they keep paying him to help around the house when they have financially supported him his entire life. He is 35 by the way. Seems to me he should be pulling his own weight around the house. And I have told her that too. So at this point I think she’s being protective of both of them because she doesn’t want to hear the truth from me. And I get it. That’s why I didn’t press for details when she said my dad was afraid he wouldn’t take care of the dogs while they were here for Christmas. She knows I’ll have something to negative to say and she doesn’t want to hear it. It’s not a matter of keeping the peace with him, I don’t really talk to him and I wouldn’t tell him what my mom said.

So sorry to hear your mom is in hospital and the way you found out. You have every right to be alarmed but it’s good you got control of your emotions enough to wait on your phone calls.

Prayers for you and fam that all turns out ok.

Cali,

Are your mom and dad protective of your brother? My mom was like that with my oldest brother who died. They wanted to keep his issues quiet not to upset him or ‘keep the peace’ as they called it, in the family.

As you say though, we as siblings can often tell when things are off kilter. So, it usually comes out in the end.

(((((Hugs)))))) Worried. Hoping for the best for your mom. B

Thank you everyone! I decided to hold off on calling mom until tomorrow morning. She’s been coughing pretty bad and even though she’s been making phone calls, it all takes a lot out of her. My dad visited her for a few hours this afternoon too so, I will call her in the morning after she’s had some rest.

I really despise Facebook and am still mad at how I found out!

and the other thing about my dad not having my phone number saved in his phone— I KNOW he has it! They went to Vegas at the end of October and one day while they were there, he called me on accident! He was trying to call her to tell her to meet him somewhere and he called me! So obviously he has my number. But this is normal for my dad, sad to say. As far as my brother, he is either dealing mental health issues or has relapsed and is drinking again. Or maybe both. My dad did not come down for Christmas because he did not think my brother would take care of the dogs while they were gone. One of the dogs has started getting up at 3am and my dad is the one who gets up to let her out. He told my mom he thought they would come home to a house full of poop and pee.! On Christmas Eve I also heard my mom telling myself husbands uncle why my dad didn’t come down and she said “and our son is in no condition to take care of the animals”. So......she hasn’t said anything to me about him and he’s always taken care of the animals in the past so something is obviously going on.

pam that is kinda funny that you jokes about your MIL ending up at your hospital instead of the hotel! Reading responses it seems like it’s not that out of the ordinary to not call the kids when a parent is in the hospital! One time my mom did tell them not to call me. She called me after they took the ventilator out. When my brother got alcohol induced pancreatitis and was in critical condition, she didn’t call me until after he’d been hospitalized a few days. Guess I need to put on my big girl panties and find out what his deal is and why he couldn’t watch the dogs over Christmas!

Worriedincali,
Prayers for you & your family. I’m happy to hear your mom is feeling better.

What a shock to see on Facebook! Maybe it’s time to talk to brother to tell him to let you know when situations such as this arise.
Hugs to you!

Sad to find out from Facebook. Hope your mom is doing better, Cali. Hugs!

worried I am glad things seem better. I can tell you from past experience that my Fil was never one to call if the "Dr said it's ok".. I swear once MIL had a mishap during a facelift, ended up in the ICU ( where I was doing clinicals) and he never called us.. I called him because one of my fellow students was there when she came in.. ( we had joked that with our luck she would end up in the hospital instead of the hotel with the private RN the plastic surgeon promised her) He never even went to the hospital that night because the PS told him she would be fine. That generation believes everything the DR tells them.. (this was before HIPPA laws,, no one think I am a creeper)

Ssorry first all the confusion, I know it can really make you panic! Glad she seems to be feeling a bit better, enough to be able to speak on the phone, so hopefully when you do get the chance to call her you can tell her how it makes you feel and that you hope that won't happen the next time. Make sure your Dad gets your number loaded in his phone properly and tell him that you wish to be notified first next time, that way you can decide the importance of whether or not you need to rush to the hospital right away, or if it can wait for a bit, as you said, sometimes it's the rest that they need if it's not life or death.

I pray your Mom is feeling better quickly!

Lots of prayers being sent for a speedy recovery for your mom. I hate that we have to hear news via Facebook these days..........what a feeling to read that type of thing instead of getting a call!! UGH.

It does sound promising that she's making phone calls and your dad is in a joking mood, right? Can't be too terribly serious if they're both in that frame of mind........that's the way to look at things.

Sending you a giant hug and again, lots of prayers for your sweet mom's full recovery.

Thank you CM—that is wonderful advice to smile before picking up the phone. I was afraid to call my dad because I didn’t want to start crying!!! This time around I don’t think my mom told him not to call me, he said she did go to the hospital by ambulance but I don’t think she was cognizant enough to tell him not to call me. I’ve been able to tell for a few weeks now that the lack of oxygen is affecting her cognitively. She’s usually pro-active and stays on top of it when she starts getting sick like this but this time she didn’t. She usually at the very least calls them doctor for a prescription and she didn’t do that. Which isn’t like her.

anyway when I call her tonight or in the morning I am going to tell her to put me down on the HIPAA release so that I can call the hospital for updates. As far as asking my dad why he didn’t call, it will be futile. I know it didn’t occur to him. I mean after he told me about the 3-5 day stay, he was going on about needing to go to the bank to get a new debit card because his card has a crack near the chip and then he was talking about getting breakfast on his way in to town and that he was about to put his teeth in otherwise he wouldn’t be able to eat anything except oatmeal. I know we all react differently but that’s the norm for my dad so there’s no point in asking why he didn’t call me.

well damn. It just hit me why he might not have called. He said he doesn’t have my cell number saved in his phone. I told him “it’s the number I’m calling you from now” and he said “I know but it’s not saved on my phone”. So maybe that’s why he didn’t call me. The last time she left by ambulance he called me crying. (that was 8 years ago though).

gah!!! Being so far away and having a sick mom and a dad with cognitive decline is really difficult.

Sorry, too busy posting and missed your update! Glad to hear your mother is at least up to taking calls and has a rough idea of when she'll get out of there - a good start :)

Oh Worried, I am sorry.

Are these mother's own instructions, do you think? Is it the "oh, I didn't want to worry you" shtick that I have to say drives me bananas more than any other single thing?

What I hope somebody can tell us is how you stop them doing it! How DO you make them put you on the Need To Know list???

Anyway, now you do know - take deep breaths, pick up the phone, smile before dialling (it changes your voice, seriously it does), and script your first line e.g. "Hi Dad, I just picked up the news that Mom is in hospital, is she ok?"

The scripting will stop you blurting out "I THOUGHT WE'D TALKED ABOUT THIS NOT TELLING ME THING???" And besides, you do only want to know how your mother is doing - I hope the hospital has already got her stable and comfortable.

Thank you Alva! I’m so sorry about your stepdaughter, it’s really unfortunate that that happened. My mom is 71 and I’m thinking she probably does have pneumonia. I am not going to call her yet, she needs to rest and honestly I don’t think I can talk to her without getting emotional yet and I don’t want to upset her. My dad called me back and he said she didn’t tell him what is wrong with her but she said they are saying she will be in the hospital 3-5 days. He was getting dressed & about to grab breakfast and then go see her. During her previous hospitalizations she was put on a ventilator but not this time so I am hopeful. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it.

Oh, Cali. I am so sorry. Much the same thing happened to us when my stepdaughter was taken to the hospital, and we were told only 2 days later when she had received too much sodium, too fast, and ended up permanently injured for life because of it. I think people were trying to protect at the time, following instructions.
How old is your Mom. I see from your response below that she is a pretty good distance away from you. I have that situation with my bro and it can be so hard to deal with when anything goes wrong. And things always go wrong. Hope you will update us on how she is doing, she sounds to be doing better now. She may have tripped into a pneumonia, which is of course made so much more difficult with COPD.

Hope things are better for your Mom soon.

What a relief! Also, a speedy answer to prayers! ;-)

Thank you Geaton!
So with my dad and brother, it’s not an issue of them thinking the other one called. Something has been going on with my brother (I have my assumptions but don’t know for sure what it is). So that’s probably why he didn’t call. My mom doesn’t like me to worry Because I am 6 hours away and can’t just leave to go up there, so when any of them is in the hospital, they usually tell me after a few days (or Right away if it’s really bad). My dad probably didn’t think to call me since it’s not as bad I had assumed.

so I just called my dad and he said he has face-timed her twice and that the last time, she had had to hang up Right away & was gonna call him back because her nurse had just come up. If she’s calling people, she’s ok. I mean, no ok ok but she’s awake and alert and breathing on her own. I feared the worst, I thought she must be on a ventilator and in rough shape. But she’s not. The friend that PM’d is a sweet sweet lady, a former coworker of hers & friend of 20+ years! She’s just overly dramatic. I saw her FB post about praying for people this morning and had a bad feeling and then she sent me that message so I freaked out! So I think my mom is doing ok, she’s not as sick as I assumed thank goodness. Anyway my dad was his usual self and laughing at his silly jokes while I was trying to find out what is going on with mom. I couldn’t believe he was going on about these things when I am asking how mom is doing but that’s my dad for you! And she called him back right when he finally started to answer my question so I hung up so he could talk to her. So I don’t really know anything but the fact that she’s called him and her friend is a good sign.

Oh, wow... first, I'm so sorry for your mom's turn of health events. I work with a contract employee who has COPD and she landed in the hospital out of town over the holidays.

Is it possible that each of the people who didn't call you all assumed someone else had done the calling? Or just in a panic they forgot? I'm going to go out on a limb to say that *guys* are not particularly good at these types of things. Maybe this is a good time to set up a calling tree so that this never happens again. One person (your brother if your dad is too senior to carry this out) is assigned to contact all "inner circle" people immediately. Does he have the ability to text? It makes it so fast and easy... I have a husband and 3 adult sons. It would not surprise me if this same thing happened in my home!!

And yes, I will pray for your sweet mom. May you and your family have peace in your hearts no matter what the outcome.