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I don't know what to do, my mother is completely different person than me. We argue over everything and anything. She's prone to negativity & conflicts. I'm 33 years old. We're living together, father left us when I was 6 & have young sister who is married, living with her husband. My mother was always controlling me. She has this strong, leader, dictator-like character. She does everything opposite I want and fights can start from very small things.


I met a wonderful woman. She came to me from other country, living with us and we want to get married this month, but I'm super stressed, because my mom gives me a hard time, complicates everything. She's also very manipulative. For example, few days ago we were coming from vacation, 6 hours train, all exhausted, hungry. And I told her when we were in train, I'm hungry, so when we come back home, can we buy sausages? She says, no, you had stomach problems this morning, we gonna cook when we come back. I say, please, I'm very hungry, cooking will take longer time and we are all tired. She says NO. When we arrived, I was so hungry that I started feeling nauseous & told her, I'm so hungry I don't even want to eat now, cause I'm feeling nauseous and you know what she says? - "Oh, good, so you won't be eating. By the way, I'm hungry all the time because of diet, so what, you will be ok". Seriously? And this is the appropriate answer from her? When we entered home, I felt upset and raised tone, said I was hungry and where is damn food now, said, I think I'm gonna faint now. She bought those sausages, but started then yelling at me, giving me hard time and we started arguing. During that she said, your girl will leave you alone when she gets bored of you, you're horrible person. I asked her to let's sell the house, divide money for us and live separately, because I can't live with her anymore. I don't want this negativity. But she started yelling more, said I will die, worms will eat me and I can't do anything without her (trying to let me think that I can't live without her). I work, but my salary is low and I'm depended on her unfortunately.


Next morning, she tells my girl, why she didn't support her yesterday and why she didn't stop me. Well, truth is that she told me to stop arguing, but I was already mad and didn't listen. And my girl told her that she told me to stop, but I didn't listen and she also said that I was right and it would be easier to buy sausages than start cooking when everyone was tired. She got upset on her. I went to my work and my girl called me, told me my mom gave a call to her and again asked her why she didn't take her side and stop me and mentioned suicide. She said this call was very depressing. After that I called my mom and told her calmly why she's doing that. My girl didn't do anything and she tried to stop me and asked her to not give her hard time. She said she didn't tell that, it was a lie. I again told her that I can't live in those negativity and conflicts anymore, I'm tired, emotionally exhausted & suggested her again to let's sell the house and buy separate houses. She told me I'm no one without her, and she will take out my guts, destroy me. She was yelling a lot. I feel so stressed I started crying at my work silently, tears were coming, but I'm a guy and tried to hide it. After that she came home, started yelling at my girl, asked her why she lied, that she didn't told her this. My poor girl said, maybe it was misunderstanding and tried to calm her down. But I know them both very well and I know who's lying and who's not. She's very manipulative. Tried to manipulate her & was mad why my girl told me and talked to me about her. She was mad because my girl had same opinion as me and said I wasn't wrong. Now we both are afraid to even say that my girl didn't lie and it's her who's liar, because she will make things worse and we are scared. We both feel like we are prisoners, can't even say truth.

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10 Comments

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Live on your own. Best for all involved. Your mother has brain washed
you into being dependent so you'll be available 24/7. When you become
reactionary to these ceaseless demands, you come across as dysfunctional
as she is.

Live your life, enjoy your girlfriend, help your Mom from a place of strength
and independence. Learn to tell the difference between a reasonable and
unreasonable request.

Some mothers (and fathers) are like this, whether or not they're married. My mother was like this and remained married for over 50 years. A nightmare
to deal with.

Grow up, leave the nest. Learn boundaries and independence. Enjoy your
new life. Your mother might choose to live the rest of her life in misery, but
if you stay, both of your lives will be mired in misery.
(4)
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My response is the same, you need to create boundries away from your Mother, and find a place of your own. Your Sister was able to do it, so why don't you try talking out your feelings and frustrations with her. The good thing is that you are recognizing the dysfunction with your Mom and can start working your way Through it! Even if you have to work a second job to be able to afford moving out, you are young, you can do it! Life is hard, but if you are determined enough, anything is possible! Good Luck!

Creating Boundries doesn't mean that you have to Abandon your Mother, just that you create a distance to live your own life on your own terms, in return it will make her more self sufficient, and you can always help to find her the resources necessary to get her the help that she needs. By the way, what is your cultural background, and Where do you live?
(0)
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" I can't even go to doctor alone without her."

Wait, WHAT? Does she go into the examining room with you?

What kind of job do you have? And what country is your girlfriend from? (I'm trying to figure out what kind of culture encourages this abusive behavior by your mother.)
(2)
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She's also racist. If she sees blacks or muslims outside she calls them names, and etc... and we're lucky they don't hear us, because if they hear us and start fighting what can I do? I will be in very awkward situation. I know I'm depended on her, she gives us food and pays for bills and I'm grateful to her for that, but she also gives me hard time and emotionally destroys me with those fights. All in all she is my mother and in my heart I still love her, no matter how many wrong things she does and hurt me, but I want to live in a peace, I'm tired from those fights. She also has 2 relatives she cut connection with them and fought in the past, but those relatives were like her, very conflict persons and her another relative ended her life by suicide in the past and I think it's something in their hereditary, I don't know. I'm not happy that I'm depended and chained to her. I can't even go to doctor alone without her. I feel scared. I don't know what to do. If I had better salary I would feel a bit more confident or if my girl would start working. When she's in bad mood my heart beats faster and badly, but when she's in good mood, not fighting with me I feel so much relief. I know probably I'm not perfect son, but at least I understand that living like this isn't good and have desire to become independent. It's not my fault that I'm chained to her so much, this is how she raised me. About house... I'm not sure, but I think I'm owner too. It was given to my mom and dad from my grandfather & I think they included me as owner too, but not sure. I also noticed when I was reading similar stories in the Internet that, in most cases such mothers are those who were left from their husbands. Seems like their life gets ugly after divorce, they change and bring all the negativity to their children. Anyway, thanks for listening.
(1)
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I see some of you already judged me how I dared to say "where is my damn food". Well don't forget next day she told me she will rip my guts out when I suggested calmly that I wanted live separately from her. Was this answer appropriate from her? Seems like you don't understand and will never understand how is it to live with such mother who is trying to always get on your nerves, control you and decide for you everything, say awful things to you & threaten me that I will die without her if I decide to live alone. You will never understand it, unless you live with such mother. But I'll be fine even if u judge for that. Anyway, let me clear some things, when we were on vacation I was running low on money and decided to save up the rest money, but she told me to let's go for the last time in restaurant and if I run low on money she will give me the food/money. So I did. And when we were leaving on that day, in train, I had left only 25 and I had to have for the 10 more days before salary. So I wasn't able to buy sausages. Also we share and buy things together in family. So it's not only my money or her money. I give her money when she needs and she gives me money when I need. We live in my mother's house. I don't have health insurance and I have very small salary, I can't purchase house, I can't do many things, I'm very limited on money. And yes, I feel I'm chained to her and also have fear to live alone without her. She always says that I will die alone without her. She didn't even allow me to stay with my friends at night for example, even I was adult person. Now she sarcastically tells me go and do whatever you want, but I'm already chained to her. I can't afford therapist as well. The way my mom yells and has face when she's angry, I think she's the one who needs seek help & I told her, but she got more mad on me. She made me to feel so miserable few times that I was thinking to end my life. How mother can harm their children that much? And some of you still judged me...
(1)
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You sound more like you are 13 than 33, but I give you credit for recognizing that the relationship with those around you is not normal and seeking advice. Somewhere along the way your mother clipped your wings and chained you to her instead, it is past time to explore ways to leave the nest an survive on your own. Since your thinking has been skewed I think you need to seek out a counsellor who can help set you on the right path so you can take the first steps... this will be scary and hard but can do it if you are willing to try.
(2)
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I don't understand why you had to ask permission from your Mother to buy sausages to eat right then and there since you were tired and hungary. You are a grown man with a girlfriend, just eat when you want to eat. You give your Mother all of your power, you need to stop doing that!

Your Mother is very controlling, and It does sound like you need to be living separately from her, especially if you want to get married, so do that as soon as possible!
(4)
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You are totally in the control of your domineering mother. Why?

And why would your girlfriend want to marry into this dysfunctionality?

Please seek help, as Barb wrote.
(3)
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Your mother sounds mentally ill.

Do you have health insurance? Can you find yourself a counselor or therapist who can help you understand that you don't need to live with this kind of madness?
(4)
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Sorry, I just realized I should put it in "discussions", not in "questions" section.
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