I have my narcissist mother living in my home and would gladly give up my inheritance for someone to take her off my hands. If anyone has the chance to have someone else take care of them, I think you should let them, and run as fast as you can because it is hell. If it depends on the nursing home getting your inheritance, then let them have it. There are some ways around that tho. But I had to feel guilty and take this mean woman that is my mom out of the nursing home and she is in her mind, bearly, but enought to say "I am not going back" and that is all it takes and you are stuck.
Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
Magical thinking
Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.
Arrogance
If a narcissist is feeling deflated, he can reinflate himself by diminishing, debasing or degrading somebody else.
Envy
If the narcissist's need to secure a sense of superiority meets an obstacle because of somebody else, he neutralises it using contempt to minimise the other person's ability.
Entitlement
Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of [...] automatic compliance because they consider themselves uniquely special. Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority. [...]
Exploitation
can take many forms but always involves the using of others without regards for their feelings or interests. [...]
Bad Boundaries
narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. [...]
Medicate medicate medicate? This sort of non-bathing, etc was helped by Zoloft for Mom.
or
Bring her over to your brother's house with a moving van.
Read Elder Rage. There's also a website with suggestions
http://www.elderrage.com
My hearts goes out for all of you. I've been caring for my mother for 10 years now with dementia she will be 90 next month...God willing. And I have to say I never went through what you are going through. Was she like that before she got sick? I would also suggest that you find some outlet that can help you release some of the stress that you are going through. It sounds like you are on your last nerve and that's not good for you and the person you are taking care of.
One doesn't normally assume the speaker is innately cruel, vicious, demented, or mentally ill.
And also, I'd tell you and your husband to get away to a nice hotel for a few days and rest. Leave her alone, she won't die (probably).
At least tell him to go, and you could join him later, but GO! :)
If anything, the only thing I can offer is to let you know that I am here. Personally, I find it a little comforting knowing there are others out there, that can relate to the "Mommy Dearest" syndrom.
My mom would skewer everybody also with dramatic act outs about how she told this one or that one off. I put an end to that by telling her that she was damaging her health by forcing her body into a 'fight stress' situation and then by giving her some little bite to eat.
Like I have mentioned earlier on these posts, I'm 5.5 years caregiving now and my mom was a nightmare and it was like taming a feral animal. so I used food. All pleasant behavior was rewarded with a little applesauce cup, yogurt, tapioca pudding, etc. They sell all kinds of fruit cups, you name it at the big discount stores like Sam's, smart & Final, Costco, whatever part of the country you're in. We always have stacks of little healthy, tasty snacks that we can pop open and hand over with a spoon. Works wonders.
Bad behavior is not acceptable and there are consequences. I discovered that food was her currency and used that. I also say that this worked for me and my mom and it may not work for you yet because your mom still goes into the kitchen and bangs around but hey it might break up the day if she starts acting out and you hang a t-bone out there and tell her if she shuts up and acts like a human being you'll cook this sucker up with fried onions and a baked potato and a bottle of beer if she wants it. Just quit acting like an A******!!
If that doesn't work you can always go for the flyswatter and duct tape. KIDDING!!!
you have my respect 2old2giveacrap. hang in there and I hope you know how many people out here have you in their thoughts and prayers.
lovbob