Should we somehow take the phone away so my hubby and I can have our life back. MIL is killing her son, he is so exhausted and says he goes to see her after work to appease her so she won’t call or text and interrupt our time together but it doesn’t work. He ask her not to call so we can be together uninterrupted but she will call and text anyway. She calls to complain about a worker, or no one has come to remove her dinner tray or to say she had diarrhea earlier and what she did about. She talks about how bad the food is.. she gets three choices per meal that is ordered in advance, restaurant style. She’s not nice to people, has no friends and doesn’t care to make friends. She expects people to come to her. Someone, another resident came to see her and she bragged about how rude she was to them and called them crazy. She only wants her son to visit and do everything for her. Her husband died 2008. Her oldest son looks exactly like his dad. Someone said, right in front of me, to her, at my FIL’s funeral, ”If you have your son, you still have your husband!!!” What does that even mean??? All I know is that it left me in shock, especially when my MIL said, “YES!!! I KNOW!!!” She has always been so possessive of him and in front of me will demand kisses several times on arrival and especially when he is leaving. She used to always kiss him on the lips, but I told him how uncomfortable it made me so he stopped it. And SO many, “I love you’s” over and over! I’ve come to learn when hubby is leaving from a visit with her or too much phone talk from her, he has to say, “I love you,”over and over which really means, bye! He hates it. She has never treated her son like a grown up. She has ALWAYS, even before we were married wanted us to move in with her, thank God we didn’t!!! Oh yeah, save lot’s of money but at the cost of living in pure hell. She is bipolar/ obsessive compulsive/ hyper vigilant and not pleasant at all to be around. She doesn’t want to have a hobby because she’s left handed and can’t do anything. Doesn’t like puzzles and thinks card games are a sin of great portions. She won’t go to activities, doesn’t like crossword puzzles. Thank God I got her reading a Kindle but all she wanted to read were trashy erotic love stories. It was SO strange! We recommended Christian books on Kindle but she would say she got so many of those books at a discount so she has to read them??? It felt almost rebellious on her part being mad at us for not moving in with her.
Now she’s in the ALF and she’s kicking and screaming and playing stunts to go to the hospital to get some real help, she says. Then expects her son to be by her side every moment. It’s just been exhausting for both of us with the tantrums and hateful attitudes. Do people, children commit subside or die from the stress of all this???? Do we need counseling???? Any advice? She’s 85 afraid of her power chair, afraid to stand or walk with walker. Physical therapy not working. In wheelchair, in pull-ups and goes to the bathroom every few minutes. Never has enough toilet paper and the list goes on and on. What should we do about the phone??? Any advice???
Your husband can block his mother. He can threaten if she does not stop making these calls, he will shut off her phone. I will assume she is on Medication for her problems, maybe time for adjusting them. She needs to get used to where she is. Rely on the staff. Maybe DH should not visit for a few days. Take the phone away saying she can have it back when she starts relying on the staff and not him. He cannot be there for her 24/7, the reason she us in an AL.
The house, you cannot buy it for a dollar at this point. She may need Medicaid in her future and in most States there is a 5 yr look back. You will need to sell at Market Value. The proceeds going into an acct that is only used for her needs. No gifting. So, get the house cleaned out. Sell what has some monetary value and out ut in her acct. At 85 there is not much she needs and if LTC is in her future, she will need even less. Do not ask her what she wants or doesn't want. Just do it. Don't even tell her the house is for sale. She is not returning home and it will only add on to her anxiety problem. Just get in there and do it.
Nice that you DH is easy going, mine is too. But, he would have told his Mom, enoughs enough. He would have kindly put her in her place long before the age of 85. But TG, she moved 900 miles away and we only needed to visit 1 or 2x a year. My DHs attitude, it was her decision to move away from family.
There is a book called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. Its Christian based. My daughter read it and liked this:
When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction u get.
Who is paying the $4K/month for the AL? (I hope not you and your H!)
How many siblings does your H have? Does she ever bother any of them?
Why won't your H block her calls, at least during certain times?
Does your H have POA/HCPOA?
What she chooses to read on her Kindle is none of your business, really.
If your husband is okay with all the outward shows of affection towards his mother, then that's a subject between you and him. How often do you get to witness this anyway??
If the woman needs extra help or supplies (like toilet paper), then it's on her to pull the string or push the button in her AL and ask for what she needs. You are not her handmaidens and she's paying through the NOSE to live in AL where she has services on call. Suggest to her that she use those services and let her know you'll see her once a week on X day at X time and that's IT. You'll have to get DH on board with you to set down those boundaries and then stick TO them like glue, b/c MIL is looking for cracks to slip through. Don't let her, that's my advice.
Women like this live for drama; my DH calls it ADATT: All Drama All The Time, and we have a daughter who's prone to that behavior 24/7. She lives about 90 minutes away, thank God, so our exposure to her is very limited. That is the only way to deal with the ADATT people: in small doses and on YOUR schedule, not theirs.
Once you block the texts and let the calls start going to vm, she will see that you're not fooling around. That's how you get to take your life back & stop agreeing to be held hostage by an old woman who isn't even living with you!
Best of luck.
Create a filter to keep from receiving her calls.
Tell her facility to call you, if there is an emergency.
Tell her that you will call her every day at 6. You will visit on Fridays.
Make her a list of items that she can request from you. Give her a copy each week. Pick it up when you visit, then give her a new copy for the next week. She can circle the items that she needs.
Finally, stick to your boundaries. There’s no other way around this. You guys are in charge of your own sanity.