Hubby had a major heart attack on Sunday. Has not felt well for MONTHS, but wouldn't address this with his doc--just said he was overwhelmed by work and super stressed out by life. He's a liver transplant patient, 12 years out. Beat HepC, a stroke, 84 weeks of chemotherapy, a motorcycle wreck that nearly killed him and several falls while rock climbing. So--a car with 9 lives. Race to the ER where they dx the heart attack and turf him to a hospital with a cath lab--he has 3 stents placed in the "widow maker" arteries...and this doc basically saved his life. Hospital for 2-1/2 days, they let him come home today, and he is being a royal butthead. I know his "sick man" routine and its awful, just awful. He is now back on the diabetic diet he should have stayed on post transplant--he's angry and depressed. I am the sole caregiver and although he'd been home less than 12 hours, he's already made me cry 3 times. I just put my foot down. He did not hear much of what the Drs said to him, so his "education" on how to care for himself is pretty much what I have been reading and doing. I can cook the diabetic diet, I have been pretty much for years. I can't control his eating, his sugar cravings, the lack of exercise or really, much of anything. I told him I will stock the cabinets and fridge with good food choices and he needs to learn how to count carbs (doesn't believe in them) and he HAS to get out of bed and start living. Probably his severe fatigue has been due to the failing heart. I'm not putting up with his poor pitiful me routine---my gosh--I've heard from 20 neighbors and friends so far who are praying for him and asking what they can do to help.... he is SO blessed and SO loved. My kids are great--but only 2 of them live close. They can only be supportive and loving--this man is smart and witty and brilliant--but he is also depressed, angry and panicky. Has to find a "reason" or "person" to blamed for everything goes south. He actually told the dr he was 70 lbs overweight b/c I am "too good" of a cook. Dr. didn't buy into that. I don't need recipes for better menus--I can do that in my sleep. I just need to vent as I have run the gamut of emotions the last 3 days from terror to relief to anger. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. And it is going to get MUCH worse before it's better. Just some kind supportive words, please. If you feel I'm a witch, which I am , keep it to yourself. This too shall pass---wow, life with this man has been eventful and scary.
Did not mean to be unhelpful, uncalm, or judgmental.
Yep, same guy.
He's a lone wolf, used to spending LOTS of time by himself. Travels for work about 75% of the time. His idea of heaven is a full tank of gas and the open road. He has always needed a LOT of personal time, and it has not been a problem, really. Just lately when he's been sick and he takes off and I don't know where he is.
He'd walk across a desert for my DIL. He adores her. So the long walks when my son and his family were here were all for show for my DIL. Sadly, soon as they left, he had the 2nd HA and became excruciatingly depressed. I can't do anything for him--but be supportive and take care of stuff around the house so he can focus on getting well.
I am not having the wool pulled over my eyes in any way shape or form. I see what's going on. I just refuse to engage with him out of anger any more. He truly sees nothing wrong with taking off and not telling me. At this point in his life and with his health, he just cannot keep disappearing. He did it before the HA's, all the time and I just rolled with it b/c that's just who he is. I don't like it--but, I also cannot change it.
He's capable of doing all the things he's supposed to do for his cardiac rehab. A big part of him is that he has cast me in the role of "mom" and that's truly negative. He ignores every word out of my mouth.
A nurse/friend of ours mentioned yesterday, quite out of the blue, that cardiac patients of hers have a lot of "work" to do each day--she blithely said they had to get up by 8, shower, eat sitting up (Dh likes to eat his meals in bed) and talk at least 4- 300 yard walks per day, minimum. And to stay awake as much of the day as possible. A nap or snooze in there is fine, but sleeping until noon? Eating breakfast at 1 and then sleeping again until 6, then having dinner and either going back to bed or hopping in the car for a long drive--none of these behaviors are helping him heal.. She ASSUMED he was doing the typical cardiac rehab, and he is not, not by a long shot. When she mentioned that she'd had patients who simply refused to comply and they wound up with "sicker" hearts than before, scared him senseless. He's been up most of the day and is now on walk #3.
I have my fingers crossed. This was not spoken by ME, but by someone who has dealt with and treated patients exactly like my DH. I think a huge light went on in his mind. Hopefully---it will stay on.
Bear in mind that I am venting and ranting, because I can and I need to. I'm not trying to change the core of who I am or who he is. I am trying to help him be well so we can have a better life together. I get angry and frustrated. I can't LIVE at my therapists' office so I come here.
I think a lot of people are like me. When things resolve out, I will stop posting and will just be grateful for those of you who had helpful, calm, non judgmental suggestions.
That's why we're all here, I think.
Are we talking about this same man, this same patient?
1) He takes long, 4 hour drives.
2) He CAN walk 1.5 miles? "Son and daughter spent much of the day hauling their dad around. Forced him to eat a healthy meal, forced him to walk 1.5 miles, something I could never have done. He actually seems a little more up tonight, but then, tomorrow is a new day."
This is no reflection on you, but is he pulling the wool over your eyes? Are you so close to the situation that you don't question these capabilities? Where does he go, what does he do, for those 4 "apparently healthy" hours?
I don't know why I thought he'd be compliant! It just never hit me that we had options. They just looked at this perfectly healthy wife and thought "no brainer--send him home". And of course they did.
I don't want to make waves while we have our DD here from VA with her family. DH manned up for the christening and the after-party. But all he did was sit. DD wouldn't let him stand to hold the baby, he's too weak and this kid is almost 20 lbs (3 months old--we grow 'em BIG).
My SIL is a Dr., and he did have a good chat with DH about stopping one of his meds w/o drs approval, but he'd going to see that doc in a couple weeks and see if he can't please just quit taking it. (Metformin--the demon drug). Yes, it helps with the diabetes, but it gives him raging diarrhea and it's ruining his life. His weight has dropped almost 30 lbs since HA #1 and if/when he starts to exercise, he will lose more. Hopefully the diabetes will be controlled by diet alone then. My SIL will talk more firmly with him and he will listen. I realize they came here for a BREAK, and he doesn't wanna play dr while he's here, but it's been 3 weeks since HA#1 and he is weaker by the day.
At least he's not been snarking at me. I am grateful for that. I am pretty tender these days and I am not putting up with his crap, not at all. I did not make him a plate for dinner last night as he is perfectly capable of choosing and feeding himself, although he was telling anyone who asked that he was very, very sick. ah well.
New week. I a going to get some info on inpatient cardiac rehab. Won't drop the bomb on him if I see some substantial changes in getting up and walking, talking ownership of his own daily living stuff and staying awake for more than 4 hours at a stretch. Best guess, a chat with the dr will have him up and moving, b/c he absolutely HATES hospitals.
Oh, and we figured out how to make a chocolate milkshake that is so rich and filling you can hardly eat it. 5 carbs per 12 oz serving. Offered to make him one yesterday and he said "No, I am not in the mood for one". After all that complaining----
Sadly, his mother chose not to attend the christening, which is no surprise. But he had me bring him nitroglycerin pills just in case. She is THAT stressful to his life.
Came home from church an hour ago and told him we have to be at my daughter's by 4 to help get ready for the baby's christening. Said I would remind him ONCE (he's been asleep all day) and that's all. If he didn't get up to go, I would tell the kids to proceed w/o him. He just now hopped up and is getting ready.
LOTSA complaining about how awful he feels.
Talked to a cardiac rehab nurse at church who told me her patients in cardiac rehab are required to get up 4 times a day, shower, dress and walk MINIMALLY 4-300 feet "stints" or no meals. They are not allowed to eat in bed, or have unduly long "naps".
Arrggh. She asked me if he was instructed to do this and yes, he was, but he won't get up. He certainly won't walk more than necessary. She said to call the cardio doc and tell them--they'd possibly put him inpatient in a rehab center. She said he was actually "backtracking" by not moving more.
I need to decide if I will call the drs office. I asked for him to go to cardiac rehab inpatient when he was released last week. He said he'd be compliant, but all he has done is take long drives, which don't count.
Or---do nothing and leave him be.
I'll be playing with the gkids at the pool and going to a theme park this week. He can do as he chooses.
I'll have a good week. He can if he wants to.
Yes, I was severely abused as a child. A part of me still IS that child and I am fully aware that my ability to sense whether I am being used or not is very skewed from the many years of abuse. May never work through it completely.
I belong to a religion that values family, but personal responsibility over all. My hubby does NOT tell me what to do and I don't promise to "love honor and obey"...I promised to follow God's commandments, and my DH and I are supposed to be helpmeets to each other. I would not and do not "bow to his will".
When he complains about me, the kids will sometimes believe him. After his transplant I was stressed to the absolute limit of my ability to endure. I was up all night, being a 24/7 hands on nurse. He'd sleep for hours and hours. During the days, I's catnap on the sofa so I could quickly hop up and help him. He has NO MEMORY of the 3 weeks post op at all. Now I'm finding he has no memory of the heart attack and the dr's talking to him. He'd complain to the kids I wasn't "there" for him. That I was slacking, whatever. Kids were all 12 years younger, only 2 had babies of their own--ff to now, they ALL have families, they have watched me care for their dad through a lot more serious things and I have NEVER walked away or slacked on my job. And no, he did absolutely zero for me when I had 2 back surgeries. Actually left town and called the girls to come care for me. That stung.
My son is really the only one who gets angry, and I told him a couple of weeks ago if He felt my care was effin' terrible, he could jolly well come back home and take care of his father himself. I don't used that word a lot, and I don't like it, but it does get the point across.
Son declined.
Right now, I am as hands off as I can be and as supportive of his learning to care for himself as I can be. He's begun having panic attacks every night. OK, I have suffered from those for 20+ years. He has NEVER "helped me" through one. I will get him an Ativan and sit by him and talk him down if he wants. But I don't do it every time. I feel he is somehow getting some Karmic payback--which bites, but I can't take his psychic pain for him. He didn't sleep well last night. I know he was having a PA. Got up to check on him twice, he was asleep both times. So his claim he didn't sleep all night is a lie. I said "Oh, that's rough. Well, we don't have to be to the baby's christening until 5:30. Go back to sleep." Make him some breakfast as I was making myself some and that was that. Asked if he'd made and apt with his psych doc and he said he didn't even remember seeing her. (Sigh). She's kind of a waste of space, but he can't get more Ativan w/o her go ahead. He's absolutely miserable, but I can't help. I make it worse, so I leave him be.
This is a fine line to walk. Encourage--don't force.
Love, don't smother.
Encouarge--don't nag.
Be patient, but leave him home if he can't be ready to go somewhere (I despise being late!!)
Remind once of making an Appt, then let it go.
Drive him if he wants (mostly won't let me, as I am a terrible driver)...then point out that was unnecessary and pointless to make a rude comment.
I have one foot in the marriage and one out. I'm not leaning either way. He did suffer 2 major heart attacks..BUT, they were 100% his own doing.
The thing with the kids has settled down, I hope. My son in law went to the grocery store with me yesterday, just to spend some time with me alone. (He's here with my DD and the kids from VA) Son in Law is a Dr., and so we had a good chat. I think he's got my back. Don't know. It's NOT his dad, so he's not super invested.
All in all---the rehab is going to be very slow and very long. He needs psych counseling, I personally think a stay in a hospital for it wouldn't be bad. Get his moods stabilized.
I'm caring for MYSELF. Left the family day yesterday about 7 and came home, hot shower, read for a bit and feel better today for it. Love those grandkids, but all 10, at once, and it's almost 100 degrees? I came up 7 hours ahead of DH, it was calmer that way. Don't know what he did with the family, don't care.
I'm becoming a tougher person, he doesn't like that. I don't care.
Being angry all the time just gives me a headache. I prefer to simply walk away if highly annoyed. A wasp may sting, but it dies after. Not planning to do that.
Barb--BTW, you are amazing. Your thoughts and insights are always great. Thank you!!
It has been beyond cathartic to write here and vent my anger. I hope we see a change soon, but don't expect one. I personally think this is the beginning of the end, he's just going to malinger into the sunset. Age 66, 14 beautiful grandkids, brilliant mind, loving and supportive kids, supportive wife. And he is crying b/c he can't have a chocolate milkshake. Sheesh.
You were abused as a child. That sort of background often leads to folks being " people pleasers". (I'm fairly certain I'm not telling you anything you don't already know).
You are behaving like a doormat. And understandably, dh, you mom, your Mil, your subs and your kids are walking all over you.
Did DH take care of you when you were ill?
Do you belong to a fundamentalist religion that says women should submit to their husbands?
Then what the f%ck does DH think he's talking about when complaining about you? Where do your kids get off having an opinion about this?
I'd be as angry as a wasp in a jar if I was leading your life. I think you need to get in touch with that anger a bit and start thinking of marriage as a two way street.
No, seriously, sometimes we just have to hit absolute rock bottom before we can begin the arduous climb back out.
I am, within question, sure that DH is upset with me. I am also positive that he feels I am doing a very sub-par job caring for him. Well, compared to the transplant, stroke, chemotherapy, motorcycle wreck--and shoulder surgery---yeah, I have stepped way back. I don't bathe him and I don't fuss meals at him. I won't talk politics with him and I do take a rest every single day, and if he has a problem with me taking care of me, then he can find someone to talk to about that.
He's struggling, emotionally, really bad. I can't help him. HE has got to make an appt with his pysch doc and figure this out. I can't do it FOR him. Hard to watch him suffer.
Now he knows I can and will walk out of this marriage, as awful as that was to him---it made my point. I know it caused him a lot of stress, which, honestly? surprised the heck out of me. I thought he'd say 'whatever, I don't care'. But he lost it and had a panic attack. Hm.
I'm not holding that over his head, of course. But in my mind I have mapped out a plan A: in which I ride out the rest of our lives together in harmony and plan B: in which I leave and take my half and start my own life, apart from him. Either one will work. I'd PREFER he be on board with plan A. But plan B is also doable.
Kids from VA are in town for the next 10 days. I hope he rests a lot but also has some fun. He's on short term disability from work--so he'll be kicking around the house for a few months. Not happy with that, but I'll do my thing and he can either continue to be compliant and get well, or he can sink back into his poor lifestyle choices.
I really, really hope I never have to blow up like that again. It was awful. I don't do really "angry" very well.
Hope things (keep!) getting better for you and for your H.
Sadly, this guys likes very few foods, overall. I am actually going to have him make a list (no judgment, just for my own knowledge) as to what foods he WILL eat and what he simply won't. As cereal is now out of the picture, and sugar, and white flour and ice cream ( he hates fake flavoring, so I can't sneak that by him)..he's really a picky eater, although he insists he is not. No, honey, peas, corn and potatoes are NOT vegetables!
I'll take this "list" and we won't have any more conversations about his meals. I have been cooking eggs every morning and I can't eat them....I'm collecting a lot of new recipes and he will have to adjust his way of thinking about food. This is actually pretty sad, he has literally CRIED b/c he realizes he can't have milkshakes any more. Actually, yes he can. He just cannot have the 32 ounce full fat one from his favorite diner.
Since the blowup, I have kept a low profile. I nap everyday, or at least lie down and rest. I fix his meals and if he's not hungry then I leave a snack out for him. He can eat it or not. He 's supposed to make about 6 Dr.'s appts & hasn't made any unless the dr office calls him. I haven't nagged or reminded him.
Biggest breakthrough of all: he went fishing this afternoon and for the first time in our married life, he left me a note to tell me where he was going. Sounds silly, but this is ENORMOUS.
He is feeling better, veerrrrrrry slowly. I imagine it will be months before he returns to work and I truly don't expect he will ever regain any measure of strength or actually get "over" the depression. Having low to no expectations has helped me to not care too much. I cannot change him and I am only minimally "doing" for him. I'm positive he's telling the kids I am slacking something fierce, and I'll hear about it, but that's his problem.
Any kids who wants to come over and babysit their dad for a few days is more than welcome to do so.
Also - cheese can help with sugar cravings. I know that’s problematic with the fat content and heart issues but maybe just a little... Sargento’s make little snack cups with cheese cubes, nuts and dried fruit. There are a couple variations that have a tiny amount of dark chocolate. You can find them in most grocery stores.
Kinda the least of your problems but thought I’d make the suggestions anyway. Good luck!
A letter to her, or a phone call would likely NOT be appreciated and she might just tell DH about it, in the fairness of full disclosure, and that would not help at all. I'm just going to let him figure this one out. I reminded him that he'd been on WellButrin many years ago and it had helped, a lot. Let him ruminate on that.
Mostly I have just pulled WAY back from fussing him. If he's up when I make breakfast, great, he can come out and eat it. He's on his own for lunch, as I rarely sit down myself to have it. Dinner, I have no problem making and serving it, but he needs to come to the table. He's miserable w/o his constant diet of sugar and carbs, but I just say "Yep, that's hard. Have a handful of raspberries or a handful of almonds and a square of 90% cacao." No sympathy needed for that. Not getting to have four or five cheeseburgers and milkshakes per week is a first world problem that just ISN'T a problem.
Saw my therapist yesterday and blew off a lot of steam. She's encouraging me to put me first, something I have NEVER done with much success. I don't have to be awake and hovering over him 24/7. It makes him grumpy and makes me anxious and there's no good outcome.
Possibly, the 'blowout' I had the other night woke him up a little. He has been pretty easy the last couple days. Took another long ( 4 hour) drive last night and forgot his phone, so I was bit angry, but just left a note on his phone saying "This will only work if you take the phone WITH YOU. This is very inconsiderate." We had friends bringing in dinner and he wasn't here--and then some other friends came by with their baby--and again, he wasn't here. It was VERY embarrassing, but not for me, for him. He did get home about 4 hours after he left, he DID eventually apologize and that's HUGE.
The 'new norm' for him is not a happy place.
Daughter and her family arrive for 2 week visit tomorrow. After they go home, I am getting a job. Just PT, but I want to get out of the house and away from him. I will still do all the things, as he never has mowed lawns or paid bills or done home repairs....or cooked or shopped or done laundry. I have created a monster, for sure.
That and I finally got my foot checked out and I d have a broken toe--not severe and it's just a toe, but it has been excruciating!! Now I'm in a supportive shoe and it already feels better. It'll slow me down, but I was glad to get it looked at.
Hoping that big bang was the last time I have to be nasty. It's not in my nature and I'm supremely uncomfortable being 'mean'.
I really appreciate having a place to come and just vent away---I feel a lot better (partly b/c my psych doc has me pretty flat lined, emotionally right now--temporarily) and perhaps that's because I know that if I have to, I will leave. He knows that I am that close to walking out--and it's really on him now, what the next step is.
Funny/not funny--talking to my PCP today and explaining what was going on, and he just sighed and said "I have heard this same story for years from wives--I'm sorry we men are just such jerks."
Looking forward, I just hope he begins to heal and begins to show some gratitude for the amazing amounts of love and support he's received from so many people--maybe after he quits jonesing for a milkshake.
My experience ranges from one whom, if I'm honest, I had a nerve to contact because his patient really wasn't any of my business, but he thanked me and said that what I'd told him was very helpful; to the other extreme where not only my comments but those of the referring paediatrician were intentionally ignored. The second psychiatrist asked me the most basic question, I was puzzled by it and said "it should have been in Dr. X's notes?" and she replied - I can hear her say it, though I can't quite describe the Gallic shrug that went with it - "oh I haven't read *those*."
SIL told me that some psychiatrists don't want their perception clouded by other people's biases. H'm. Some psychiatrists can't be arsed to get out the file, if you ask me.
I mentioned to him that this may be something he could bring up in therapy last week, and he said he didn't feel it was germane to his emotional well being.HELLO!? The "fight" was becasue she told him she wished he'd never been born, she was planning to leave his father and get divorced but fell pregnant again and by then was "stuck" in a loveless, abusive marriage. I don't see how that CAN'T be considered a fairly huge issue--and it did REALLY hurt him---but he says "I don;t want to bother Dr G with stupid family stuff".
I am not even sure his psych doc knows he's married!
Maybe doc DIL can talk to the psych doc about what's really going on.
Don't forget that terribly reassuring hug AC has: "it's okay not to be okay." Especially when everything is THIS not ok!!!
Dh has been much kinder, and much more appreciative. I have never used the kind of language I used on him the other night, it made me sick to talk that way.
BUT---having laid down the "law" as it were, he has been better. One doc was appalled that DH was eating most his meals in bed. Told me I was enabling him, and he was right. Now DH hauls himself to the kitchen for the 10 minutes it takes to eat. It may seem stupid, but it's huge for me.
I realize I am angry and therefore painting a very bleak picture. In every marriage there are untenable times when you just can't take it--and you work it out, and things go along, hopefully better than before.
Once upon a time we were a great team. He's become totally alone and withdrawn over the years--slowly, and I have allowed and supported his desire to be a "lone wolf", as it were. An abused kid is usually just so grateful the abuse has stopped they are grateful for scraps of attention. I may be 62 yo, but inside is a scared little 6 yo. I'm a work in progress, for sure.
I did point out to him at breakfast, read from an article about CG, that if he hadn't had a wife to take care of him, he'd have been released to a rehab facility. Or home health care, costing him around $150 a day. Not being confrontational, just honest. I have value.
Daughter #3 is coming to town with her 3 kiddoes (one a newborn DH has not met) and her Dr. hubby. Dr Joe will no doubt skin DH alive. Whatever--this may perk DH up.
As far as the antidepressants, this was not addressed and I am POSITIVE that the drs asked him how he felt and he would say "fine", Evidently SSRI's are contraindicated with a med he's on. However, WellButrin, which he took years ago, and found effective, may be on the table. I am so not impressed by his psych doc. It's quick acting and NOT an SSRI.
I'll ask him to see about calling his psych doc. He saw her after the first HA and does not have an apt with her again for a month. I think she's not being very proactive.
Well--time will tell as to what happens here. I can only do so much, and no more.
And yeah, y'all are better at validation. My own kids, though I KNOW they love me, don't "get it". Daddy has been sick SO LONG----and mom just keeps chugging along.
Welp--out to get those weeds. It's going to be 101 degrees today--ugh.
I've always felt that if a plan depends on somebody *else* changing...
You remember 'Marry The Man' from Guys & Dolls? Great song, love it. Worst advice ever (except about the correct use of personal pronouns, which was spot on).
The faith that DH can change, when he hasn't in 42 years of marriage... I don't know what to say.
That doesn't mean you can't work on your own boundaries and insist on your own reasonable expectations being met, with clear sanctions applying when they aren't (like, DH can't complain if he gets an earful).
Have you read 'The Ladder of Years' by Anne Tyler? I recommend in particular the opening couple of chapters which I thought were perfect in their description of a family's perception of their mother. I wasn't quite sure I should be laughing, that kind of perfect.
Midkid, we love you and we value you. Not nearly as much as your own people do, but perhaps we're rather better at validation?
Sounds like he uses your abuse as a tool of control, not unusual for someone who comes from such an abusive home himself. Healthy patterns can be hard to establish.
18 years post divorce, we're both okay financially. People said to me at the time " oh , we can't afford to get divorced". Sometimes, you can't afford not to.
And just so you know, in NYC hospitals, cardiothoracic teams prescribe anti depressants. It's called " best practise".
Depression and Cardio problems are intertwined. Good docs look at this stuff holistically and don't rely on patients to get themselves to a competent psychiatrist who understands the physiologic/psychiatric connection. You might want to alert them to the connection.
It will take work, especially on his part, but I believe the therapy will help a great deal. I would tell him it is non-negotiable. If he wants to make it work, marriage counseling is a must. He will have to learn to recognize and work on his issues if he is to change.
Yes, he's in a bad way. BUT....our lives are intertwined. Kids, financials, so much we have gone through. We'll see how it pans out.
I am expecting my daughter from VA this weekend with her family. Her hubby is a dr and is already at the plate, so to speak, to have it out with FIL. After the family leaves, I am getting a PT job, to simply get out of the house and away.
A LOT of what is under the surface, that DH uses in such a thoughtless way--is that I was abused by an older brother for many years. Think of some of the worst abuse you can think of, and well, that was my childhood. I am still trying to escape the voice in my head that puts me down and tells me to self hate. DH is not terribly supportive of my therapy as it takes me to some really dark, awful places. I need his support and he is simply not emotionally capable of helping me.
Time will tell. I will consult an attorney about divorce and will see how that would affect me. Both of us will come out worse, financially, other than that, I don't know.
I'm more than willing to work on this. I believe he can change. I just don't know if HE believes he can.
Bad night.
I am probably not the best example of how to best handle last night. I would have been livid. I could not have behaved from a place of “calm”.
I am sure you are exhausted again, or more so after last nights fiasco.
(((Hugs)))