My father had a stroke January 2018. He's always lived with me off and on because he had always relied on others to support him and I am the only one in my family who will help him. He became paralyzed on his left side when he had his stroke but still is very weak so I literally do everything for him. Bathe, prepare food, clean him when he has a bowel movement and much more. Everything. But my problem is my dad had always been abusive. Not physically but in ALL other ways. He tells me to die all the time. To f*ck off and pretty much anything you can think of. I had to quit my job to take care of him because insurance (Medicaid) would only pay 2 weeks worth of care. I have 2 children and now it's getting really hard to support them because I had to quit my job and now everything revolves around my dad. I'm not the mom I want to be and I'm getting so depressed because I'm stuck here and I can't have a life. I know this makes me sound so bad and I don't mean for it to. I'm just so lost at what to do. He is mean and always has been. I wait on him hand and foot and he never thinks to say please or thank you. He doesn't ask he DEMANDS. If I don't do something he wants he becomes angry and freaks out. He'll start yelling and punching the walls etc. For example he takes a pain medication and I keep it away from him and give it to him as prescribed. Well, he does not like that so he said he wanted his pills where he could get them himself and I have no choice but to do that because he will scream at me and call me a b*tch and stuff if I don't and I don't want my children hearing all that. So, I did it. I have him his meds. He took 30 days worth of pain meds in less then 2 weeks. He's always been that way even before his stroke. I hate it. I've always hated it. And if I report him to the Dr he will flip out like usual. He's supposed to be wearing a heart monitor also and every other day he rips it off out of anger. This all is not because of the stroke he was the exact same as before his stroke except he's paralyzed on one side completely. He tells me he hates me all of the time (nothing new). There's so much. I thought I could do this but he's making this so hard and I swear he is wanting to give me a hard time. I know him better than anybody. I KNOW. Nobody in my family will help. When he was in a nursing home for 2 weeks (all Medicaid would cover) he treated the nursing staff with the up most respect. Never said anything bad. And I mentioned it to him. I don't deserve this! Since 2012 I have been financially taking care of him and housing him even though he was perfectly capable of doing it himself up until this year. He's always treated me like this. And now it's just becoming too much. I have a sister and a brother and he treats them like they are God's even though they REFUSE to help me with our Father. I don't understand it. I'm the only one who has ever helped him but I get the abuse. He has been diagnosed with bi polar and all that also. I will not lie if I found a way I could put him into a home I would. He even said he wants to go. But I can't pay for that and insurance isn't helping. Hes even said that if there was ever a day where he started getting movement back in his paralyzed side he wouldn't tell me. What is up that?? Even though he treats me Terrible I would still want him to get good care and good facility I just have no idea where to start with this because this is so hard. If anyone has any answers or anything I would appreciate it.
I dont know where you live, or if you're even in the U.S.
But this is what I am hearing and what I think should be an important next step......
Your father is OBVIOUSLY abusive. You may not see it that way, because you have dealt with him all your life. Plus, it plain to see you love him.
But STOP RIGHT THERE.
He IS abusive! You can love him, but just like an abusive spouse or partner, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS.
YOUR KIDS DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS. It's not okay to have them witness him being an asshole. Abuse is NOT defined only as "physical". Treating you like shit IS abusive.
Now, I understand that you dont want to neglect him, or " divorce" yourself from him. You want him to have good care. I also fully understand the financial roadblock with Medicaid or Medicare.
What I think you need to do is get Adult Protective Services involved. I'm not talking about some soft approach where you seek advice, or "tell someone you want to get him some help."
I mean you CALL your local APS and FILE A REPORT about him and how he is behaving. Seriously.
I dont know how old your kids are, it's kinda beside the point,. But, think about this...if someone else could be 24/7 witness to his behavior towards you and around your kids, they would be NEGLIGENT if they did not report to the proper agency how he is behaving in your home.
Think of how you would need to act if YOU were in someone elses home for a time and WATCHED and HEARD the things that you are tolerating and trying to handle in your own home.
You havent mentioned his behavior towards the kids. Even if he has not lashed out at them so far, even if you think he never would......dont fool yourself. He treats YOU this way. He acts this way in front of YOU. Doesnt matter WHY. Understand that for whatever reason YOU are at the butt-end of his bad behavior.....eventually, he will see your kids for what they ARE...an extension of YOU.
Ccontacting APS may not mean he is taken away for good and out of touch from your love and care.
But, (I admit, their care and success can de pool end on where you live and who is assigned to his case)...but, those people know what to do, what can be done, and they have access to resources for both you and your kids, and for your father.
I strongly urge you to make that call.
Your next call should be to your local Agency on Aging.
Dont think about it too long. Inaction is the worst thing right now.
Do SOMETHING...for your kids. They dont need this shit, do they?
You are a caring and wonderful person. I wish you the best.
He needs to be cared for in a facility, it will be better for him as he will get appropriate care and may recover some mobility and it is imperative for you and your children to have a life vs all of you going down on a sinking ship.
You are the abused daughter that chooses to take care of him.
It doesn’t matter if he has had a stroke, if he was always mean. He is out of control now.
Call APS and tell them he will have to be out of your home in 2 weeks.
You can no longer handle him and your kids are being exposed to too much aggression.
Then stick to it. No one can make you care for him. Call the sheriff if you have to and have him transferred to the hospital ER for admittance for a psych evaluation.
Tell them he cannot come back to your home as you cannot care for him.
Now, if you have been living off his money or property, you will have to stop.
I speak from experience, and sympathy.
An alternative idea: call a social worker for yourself and get their advice about this situation in your state.
A great big hug for you. This will be the most difficult thing you have ever done. Your kids and you will be able to have a life.
Thank you all for your input
you don't sound "bad". You sound sane. Why would ANYONE take abuse like this?
Get him out of your home, asap!
The Medicaid that only covered two weeks is community Medicaid. He needs permanent long term care Medicaid. Tell his doctors and the social worker you cannot take care of him at home.