My 86 year old mother has lived with us for 5 years. My husband recently semi-retired. He works mornings and he feels that he has become the care-giver for "conversation support" for his mother-in-law since he is the one that is home most of the time. My mother has never been very social and he feels that she should be doing something for companionship and she is lonely but he does not want to be the one to provide companionship. (I agree that he should not be the one). I have told him to greet her but he does not have to sit and talk to her. Her conversation is usually about the relatives and all their illnesses..gloom and doom.
It has caused a stressful situtation in our 30+ year marriage...even spoke of breaking up. Any advice.
If Mom really is lonely and would like more companionship, look into senior day health programs or senior center activities. If she prefers to be left alone, respect that. But somehow you've got to get hubby out of the companion role.
Think about it...it's been 5 years that he's gone along with this arrangement. (He may have thought at the beginning that it would not go on this long.) Now, he's home more, alone with her, and he doesn't feel comfortable with that responsibility. In addition, he is semi-retired which conjures up "free time" and having more flexibility to do what we want, when we want. He may be feeling that his semi-retirement is/may be hampered with your 86 year old mother under the same roof. (It's not what he had planned for or how he had imagined it.)
I am softening my words here in trying to not generalize about all men based on what I've personally had to deal with, but from my experience, similar to other stories you can read on this website from others, men are wired differently concerning patience, decision making, providing care for others (including their own family members) and nurturing. Simply said...they apt to be more self-centered. Often times, a situation like yours is looked upon as an obstacle at the least, and an unbearable hardship for other men. Some may go as far as to think...it's not their job.
I may be completely wrong concerning your husband. Perhaps he misses how your marriage use to be and wants to see you more and spend more time with you instead of the time and effort to care for your mother. (I'm sure he would prefer you give him more attention!) And, perhaps he doesn't like to see the toll it undoubtedly has taken on you. However...
You have noted in your post: "a stressful situation"..."spoke of breaking up". I think he's saying...he doesn't like how things are and because this situation involves your mother, he thinks it is your responsibility to care for her.and to "fix it". He's wanting you to make changes. Now, he's being kind. But, if he doesn't see some change or action on your part, his actions and intensity will heighten, IMO.
I would weigh what is most important to you...in the long run. If you want to vote for him and your marriage, then I think your mother needs to be out of the house more either visiting friends, family, senior center, adult dare care, spending a weekend or week or two at another's house etc or permanently in a senior care condo/apt or NH, depending on your mother's abilities and needs.
Good luck and please give us an update about what happens.