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@MargaretMcKen, thank you, yes - I’ll try to do that. Having just a little trouble figuring out the forum format.
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Carina, please could you start a new thread of your own, not leave answers to you to get mixed up with other things on General Topics? All you have to do is to copy your first post onto a new question, in the box accessed from the top of the screen.

You have a difficult situation, and you are likely to want comments on various things for some time. It’s best on your own thread, so that it all hangs together. Yours, Margaret
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@Carina1977,

Your siblings from neighboring states not helping is very common . I’m 1of 5 . I alone 95% of the time took care of my parents for over a decade in their home . However I did not live with them . I had a rule , I went home every night to my own home and family . When they could not be alone overnight they were placed in a care home .

Others will tell you that you can not expect siblings to help . You are choosing to do this . That does not mean that they have to help.

Your siblings may see this as your problem . You chose this arrangement and you do have a way out , but you do not want to place Mom in care yet.

You may be feeling resentful that you are the one preserving inheritance for everyone , meanwhile you did all the work .

Unfortunately , these situations are common . Each persons view of the situation can differ .

I agree , your mother is likely not going to change her ways at her age .

I wish you luck in this . Let us know if you found any ways to make this work for your family , because it is not working now .

I did not take my parents into my house . I used their money for their care . For me inheritance wasn’t worth it . It was difficult caring for my parents . But I did get to come home to the privacy of my own home. That was priceless .

I wish you had found us sooner before you took Mom in and now Mom is contributing to the mortgage which fuels your mother’s thoughts that she can be the matriarch . Many of us would have advised you not to do this living arrangement .

Remember you do have a way out when you need it . At least your Mom does have money for a care home . Your physical health , mental health , marriage , and children not living in a house full of stress matter .
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Carina, I've been taking care of my mom for 4 years now. Not 24 7 but hasn't been easy. And the tension and stress, I was bringing home was not good for us so I'm gonna tell you how I turned it around.

I realized how lucky I was , that my husband was putting up with my moods. The only way possible I've been able to do what I've been able to do for mom was because of that man! And I try to show him gratitude every day for it.

I suspect if your husband was not who he is your mom wouldnt be there.
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@Anxietynacy, thank you for the welcome and I will stick in here. I’ve been looking for an online support community because I’m really struggling. What you say rings true, I know she’ll deteriorate. She has said that if she physically or mentally deteriorates and needs care she will move to a community or hire a caregiver. So she’s not entirely unreasonable. I’m just struggling emotionally and in my marriage with her and looking for ways to improve our immediate situation.
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Carina, welcome to the forum, I would suggest you stick with us , it will help, you have a bit to learn, but you especially have to understand, that your mom is only actually 84, this could go on for years and years, and she will have many health issues, and doctors appointment, and she will get worse to you your husband and most importantly your children.

Btw, there are always options, there is always a way out of bad situation.

Best of luck.
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@waytomisery, I agree with a lot of your points. But it is complicated, there is a large inheritance at stake as well as moving now would uproot my children and many aspects of their lifestyle. Mom does contribute significantly to the mortgage. We still love her; this is not all negative. She still has a lot of wisdom. But she’s just too micromanaging and negative and we have so little privacy that it’s really hard. My rotten siblings don’t help at all; live in neighboring states but do nothing to help with mom which increases my anger. I feel that best for me given all the factors is to learn to improve how I manage the current situation rather than change it at her age. 
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@Carina1977.

How about having Mom go to the therapist with you ? Your mother needs to learn boundaries , it’s your house , your marriage , your kids. Maybe the therapist can get your mother to listen to your concerns .

Let it blow up. Stop tiptoeing around your mother . So she gets mad . You don’t have to put up with it .

Therapy didn’t work because you are too afraid to stand up to Mom .

I know you said moving is not an option , but that is the obvious solution here. See if there are any HUD subsidized senior apartments for Mom . Rent is based on her income . If there are any , put her name on a list. If money is not the problem , then you point blank tell Mom that this is not working for your family and she needs to move out , you can help her move .

If it’s your mother’s house you and your family need to move out . I know you said it’s not an option , but you have not said why . It may actually be an option and you are not recognizing it

The other thing is maybe a senior center for activities or adult day care where she will meet people her own age.

Your mother is not extremely sensative to criticism . She is expressing her dominance as your mother . She sounds like the how dare you talk to me like that in her head , but cries to your face to manipulate you .
The “ you don’t appreciate what I do “ type of mother to have things her way. You are an adult , stand up to her. Stop letting her be in control of your household and kids.

To answer your questions , yes many have come here with a similar problem as you and they have ended up divorced .
Your responsibilities are to your marriage and kids, not to keep the peace with a bully of a mother .
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Hi all, I’m new here. I’m not exactly Caregiver, but my 84 year old mother lives with my husband and children in the same house and it has been a major strain on our marriage. She is basically healthy other than some chronic pain and difficulty with stairs and she doesn’t have dementia. However, she has become more difficult and negative with age and does not have many friends or any activities outside our family. She is very involved in my children's lives to the point of micromanaging and also very controlling about the management of the household. Our situation is complicated and moving/changing it is not an option right now, but I struggle daily with frustration and feelings of being trapped and patronized by her. I have seen a therapist but it didn’t really help because my mother is extremely sensitive to criticism and won’t accept boundaries. It has really strained my relationship with my husband and put tremendous stress on my life. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you cope? I want to improve things without blowing up the situation.
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We just found out the government agency that looks after home and long term care has changed it's name, again. Since I've been part of this circus it gone from home care, to community care access centres (CCAC), to local health integration networks (LHIN), to home and community care support services (HCCSS), and now Ontario health at home - not sure about the acronym for this one - and I may have missed one, it's hard to keep track. And with each change it gets harder for the public to find and receive services (but it sure must keep the bureaucrats busy)
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DoggieMom,

Next time your mother throws up in your face that you are living in a friend's house, remind her that she is too. Tell her ," People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".
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Doggie Mum, if you are the tenant and M doesn’t like living there on your terms, ask her to find somewhere else to go. Your brother’s house is not the only option! Nor is the house of your brother’s friend! Stop looking at Facebook, and be the boss of your tenancy on your own terms. If M complains to brother, and brother complains to his friend, and brother’s friend terminates the tenancy…..M too will have nowhere to live, so she had better start looking now.
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You deserve a life too. Terrible she can't just stop her nonsense and attitude about you and the dogs.
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My mom doesn't have a home right now as she lives with my bro and his wife..My mother said she won't go back because they deserve to have their own life as a couple. I am at a loss at this point. I have a lot going on and thought I was getting support but I feel like I'm in more stress.
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I apologize for my complaints. I am going through a lot as Mark"s family is attacking me (except for the legal papers we are divorced) saying I'm not acting like his wife, how dare I abandon him. They attacked me on Facebook. Plus my mom is griping about my dogs again saying my clothes are going to stink like dogs. I got fed up and said, "This isn't going to work." I then got the lecture of being ungrateful as this house is a friend of my brother's and how selfish I am.
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I saw an Instagram post with Willie Nelson, yesterday.

I've heard the same thing he said before, but for some reason it resgnated with me so incredibly much more than before.

It was about worry, why do we worry? Worrying has never changed a dam thing in life. It's never solved a problem, all it does is create problems for are health.

It went something like that. It was just a very powerful uplifting message.
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doggiemom - (((((hugs)))) your mom came to help you "settle" and she is greatly "unsettling" you. it's past time for her to go. Don't listen to any of her complaints. The more you respond to her the more she will complain and there is no sense in it.

You can tell her this is your house and it is clean enough for you. That this is your life and those are your dogs and they are staying and she is going back to her home as soon as it can be arranged. You will help her pack and get whatever transportation is needed. She will be upset but what's new. She's upset anyway.

Firm boundaries are needed here, doggiemom. Never allow anyone who is that manipulative and mentally unhealthy into your home again. Prayers with all this. Just send her back to her home as soon as possible no matter what she says. It is clearly nonsense. Look after you and don't let these sick people interfere with your life.
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DoggieMom, I can't believe you let Mom come into your home. You just don't need this added stress and burden. You are complicating your life. You need an honest talk and she needs to go home to her own digs. This is going to end with you being in more trouble than you just got out of. This is YOUR HOME. Your having your mom in is going to enable her deterioration and anxiety and worsen your own. Get her OUT OF THERE SOON.
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Doggiemom, the anxiety your mom has seems to not be uncommon at all. My mom gives me dirty looks when I fold a towel, because I'm not folding it the way she thinks it should be folded.

She has a degenerative spine, was told not to reach. She if course did, now there is more stuff she can't do. But she will anyways and it will just happen again. But for the most part her cognition is pretty good. But you can't reason with her at all. That's just the way it is. It could be just the fact that her brain is slowly dieing.

Your not going to be able to reason with her or make deals with her . Like I'll do this if you do that. The aging brain and the horrible anxiety just doesn't work that way.

On top of your worries about the dogs and everything else you have been though. You also need to understand that living with someone so high anxiety is going to increase your anxiety times 10. I can only be with my mom so long before I feel my old pain in my neck creeping back in.

Sorry your going through this
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I tried talking with her to help cleaning the “right way” or her way and she got angry at me saying I do it wrong and she would do it. It’s anxiety city because of the leak here. She’s going nuts cleaning everything saying it smells, even though the place has been bleached and lysoled to death.
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Yes, I have a job as a teacher making 70K. I will not give up my dogs, as this home is leased in my name. My mother came to live here until I settled in. We just don’t see eye to eye on things and she refuses meds for anxiety stating it’s the way I live. She is helping with food, although I could manage on my own. My mom is co-dependant on either me brother or I. My brother is married I have my own plans in a couple years of moving again. I have my own relationship. Her sister in Arkansas is married, but talking to her about senior apartments near her home. I think this would be best for my mother in the long-run. I laid some ground rules that she can clean, but do not criticize my life or my choices. I told her she needs help and it’s not right to make me and my dogs full of anxiety when I escaped a 15 year verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I told her I am 38 not a child.

if it’s mental, I don’t see major decline as she is still able to do all physical things by herself and most mental. She just has horrible anxiety. She was literally crying saying “The smell of your dogs is making me ill” and saying I’m filthy. I am not a neat freak but hardly dirty. I don’t believe in constant cleaning. She had a mental break down because a bug touched her in bed. I had to get an exterminator here before she’d sleep in her bedroom. Right now I am working on getting a car. My dogs are my ESA.
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DoggieMom you didn't divorce your husband to become an indentured servant to your mother.

Your brother chose to take care of your mother for 10 years that doesn't mean you have to serve a 10 year jail sentence with your mother now.

That's not how life works and you can tell your brother that.

I thought you were moving back home to a supportive environment but it seems you escaped one bad environment for another.

The good news is you are or will be working so you hopefully can afford a place if your own.

I am sorry your mother is being like this about you and your dogs. It sounds like she has or is getting cognitive issues.
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Because I feel my dog are stressed out. I have no clue where else my mom can go. My brother cared for her for 10 years.
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Doggiemom, why are you getting rid of your dogs from your home to make your mom...what? Happy, less anxious, less cruel?
Tell her you don't need help settling and to move home or out or whatever you have to do.
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I thought I escaped from the stress but I am out of one hell and into another. Had I known it would have caused so many issues I would have given up my dogs before I moved to a rescue. Now, I am trying to re-home them. We had a huge leak in my rental and my mother lost it again. She is crying and saying how she hates my dogs and how filthy I am. I guess maybe my dogs deserve a better life.
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Gurshen I think that makes you a good sensitive person with a lot of empathy.

I've never prayed for them but I have felt bad for them. Actually I never look at them I turn a blind eye to them, forget they are even there.
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Send, of course I knew you were joking. All good here.

I wasn't though. I actually do pray for the lobsters. I feel so sorry for them all pushed together in a small tank until someone buys one and sticks it in boiling water alive. Sigh.................Best not to think of such things. Life is cruel. And no, I don't eat lobster. Never been a real fan of crustaceans. I do eat other fish so I guess that makes me a hypocrite.
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I hardly ever have glass of wine so no novinophobia for me. But on rare occasion robust glass of red and good chocolates with that taste wonderful.
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Evamar,
Joking, yes.
I did not even make it up, but found it somewhere.
As far as fear of running out of chocolate-I have no fear-because I would never let that happen! (lol.)

Gershun,
I know you are concerned about all living things-it is a lovely attribute, and shows your sensitivity, which is a real thing.

So, you knew I was joking about the lobsters?

Jokes are never a good thing if one has to explain it's a joke.
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Sendhelp,
Thought your were joking but no vino phobia exists.
Cenosillicaphobia -fear of running out of beer.
NOCHOCOPHOBIA - fear of running out of chocolate. That would not be acceptable, although there is concern about shortages of cacao.
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