All my siblings live out of state. They rarely visit. When they do visit, they either write themselves a check (Sis who is the POA) for their travel expenses, or before they even make a date to visit, they complain about how their jobs are not doing well, they need a new roof, etc "hint-hint" implying that they need money from Parents in order to come for a visit.
I live nearby, and always On-Call 24/7 for them, to take care of household issues, doctor visits, sudden ice cream cravings, etc. But I am never paid, once in awhile for a longer car trip they have given me $5.00 bill "for gas money."
Dad has dementia now, but in talking with Mom about how "un-equal" this feels to me, she seems to understand, but says the out-of-town siblings would never visit if they weren't paid.
My spouse is sick and tired of this "un-equal" system, and has greatly reduced what he is doing (no more midnight plumbing fixes, mouse-trap emptying, etc).
Mom has noticed that spouse is doing less and less. I tried to say, we're sort of tired of how "un-equal" things are.
My point is, if the other kids are getting thousands of dollars once a year to visit (on THEIR schedule) I would like to be paid for all my "travel" expenses for when it is not even MY schedule, it's when my parents WANT me to do something, whatever THEY want.
I feel like I'm a slave to their whims, and the siblings are treated like Royalty!
P.s. my spouse says, we can't be paid because of possible Medicaid lookback; but if that is true, wouldn't my siblings already be in trouble?
This past week I took my Mom and grandkids over to San Diego for a 6 day vacation. Just got back yesterday, which is when I started catching up on things. I had my laptop over there, but we were so busy that I had barely time to check my email. I might have looked at a couple of things briefly, but little more than that. That's why I didn't speak up before - I didn't notice before.
And really, ladee, all I'm concerned about is that we don't get a mob mentality, like you said. I'd hate to see that happen here. Because this place is, after all, supposed to be about caring and support. Thanks.
So how about we 'agree to disagree' on how it was done...... Just as Dusty had the right to have her say, so did I, and the others that participated..... to me, its over and done with..... and may I ask you a question... if you felt Dusty was being treated unfairly, why did you not speak up before and give us a different perspective..... just askin......
It's clear Dusty has some sort of a problem. Whether it's alcohol related or not, who knows, but obviously there is an issue. I don't know the best way to handle it , but I don't think drawing attention to it by jumping on every little thing is the right way to go. Probably comment on her good comments, ignore her bad ones. Just like with kids - kids will go for negative attention if they can't get positive attention. If she's jumped on when she makes positive comments, she'll just make all negative ones.
I'm not the religious sort (sorry if I offend anyone with that), so all the praying or chanting or amen'ing that someone wants to do - well - good for them, but please, leave me out of it :)
I appreciate the welcome I've received here. I've always felt that I can come here after a bad day and vent, or ask for advice, or just post my experiences to try to help someone else out. My Mom isn't as bad off as a lot of others are right now (I've been caregiving for 3 years so far) but I know my day is coming. Even though I don't have a lot to do, it gets wearing just being with someone 24/7. Mom can't drive, can't cook anything more than an egg, needs a walker, can't stand more than 5 or 10 minutes without pain, and has mild cognitive decline which is really starting to show itself lately.
Now THAT makes sense!
And yes, some of us went behind her and said to not pay any attention to her.... as she was running people off of the site..... she was confusing many and hurting some..... what would you have suggested we do??? This is a site for Caregivers, and God knows some of us are 'mentally ill'. LOL....and I reached out to her one-on-one and got no reply...... We are a caregiver site, we do not have the medical experiences to pull a bi-polar off the walls.... so enlighten us, tell us how you would have handled Dusty.... this being AFTER you back and read all she has written.....
I can not believe Dusty is STILL causing problems here.... pfttttt....
I have been on here many years.... and while I did feel bad for her and her issues... what ever those were.... we are not ok with being 'preached' to, many of us refer to God, HIgherpower, the Universe...... but we are NOT condemning each other with our words.....
We are very protective of our 'safe place' and when the boundaries are stomped on.... we respond...many of us are praying for Dusty and wishing her well.....
So with all that being said.... I do hope you continue to find a 'home' here.... things just got off to a bad start... no harm, no foul..... you are welcome here, and we hope to get to know you better.... I have some awesome friends here... and I'm sure they don't always like what I have to say, but if I am not putting others down or telling lies, they are going to let me learn what I need to learn.... so like I said, I hope you continue to be a part of this crazy, tired family....crazy in a good way !!!!
Perhaps she does go off topic and raves - maybe she has a mental issue - who knows. But attacking her for making an innocuous comment is not going to do any good. Just because she made some weird comments before doesn't mean you attack all her comments. What's up with that? That makes no sense.
I've found her rational answers to often be on point and sometimes insightful, but her religious answers are not. I think it's these religious and hellfire and damnation answers that offend most people - they don't provide any succinct or helpful suggestions. They’re rants, and they're offensive. And they don't reflect a true religious belief but rather a fanatic one.
When I write "religious", I'm not referring to comments such as "God bless you" or "I'll pray for you." Hers are wild comments which reflect an intensity that borders on what I'd consider to be delusional or irrational.
I've only been here a few months but found that the religious Dusty is similar to the angry Dusty in which she lashes out at her mother for a variety of abuses.
In addition, it’s hard to believe anything she writes about her personal and professional life, which lessens her credibility even in the rational posts. She states that she’s worked as stockbroker, researcher, in systems engineering and operations research. She claims to have several degrees.
She states that she’s homeless but living with her mother. She hates taking care of her mother but never states any plans for dealing with that hatred, for leaving and getting her own life again, for getting help for her mother. Just more rants. Does she just want sympathy? Who knows. Not me, that's for sure.
Personally I’m not sure if she does have multiple personalities or if she has multiple ONLINE personalities, called “socking”, in which someone assumes various identities and plays games with other posters on forums by pretending to be several different posters. Or maybe she's just another troll. Who knows?
I’ve tried to find some of her more wild posts so you can read them and see what offends us so much, but the search function on this forum isn’t target specific.
And speaking of targets, I've probably now put a target on my back by writing so bluntly so others can take pot shots at me if they want to.
Sometimes people have their opinions on what a post "sounds" like by looking at who posted it. I don't have any preconceived notions about Dusty. If I've interacted with her before, I don't remember it (FibroFog can sometimes be a good thing :) ). I just know that I never like seeing what looks like a cyberbully situation, and what I've seen in the past few days, on this board, with people trying to drum Dusty off, bothers me. Everyone that is caregiver deserves support here. Not just those that you agree with.
Bonichak, are you addressing your comments to someone in particular?
understanding...I live with mom so I am 24/7 nurse on call (I am a nurse)..Funny how they are clueless and dont care one bit about what we do for them...Keep moving forward! Best- Sandi W.
It covers everything from technical and scientific creations to music, art, online postings, recipes, photography.
Unfortunately there's a lot of abuse which is hard to regulate. I know for a fact that recipes and cross stich patterns are freely copied and shared without any consideration for the IP issues.
Attorneys tend to abbreviate various practice area designations...Domestic Relations used to be DomRel, Auto Negligence is AutoNeg, Medical Malpractice is MedMal, etc.
I agree that you should get paid for your time. Don't know how you get around the Medicaid thing but someone here will know.
I feel bad for your Mom that she knows her children wont come unless paid. That must hurt. Why she cant see that you are there for her without payment is beyond me. Sorry for how you must hurt too.
I just hope Prettygood doesn't get discouraged with the likes of Dusty..
I have heard some say that, "OH but you get to spend time with your aging parent!" I hear it loud and clear, but to feel like a devoted slave, changing diapers and doing the gritty-work; while twice-a-year-visiting-siblings receive the rewards just "seems" humiliating to me. Seeing the parent respond with charm and generosity, while being treated like Cinderella... by parent AND the visiting "Step-sisters" is a monstrous reach of family protocol. PrettyGood, I understand and relate to your feelings! Do whatever you must to preserve your dignity.
Your case, is exactly why I keep saying that the caregiver DOES need paid. If everything is equal, you should get the same amount of money as your siblings. You should be POA, but let me warn you, that is another thankless job.
Do your parents have any trusted confidants, pastor/priest, someone who can explain to them that they need an elder law attorney specifically? Perhaps you or such a confidant can use an analogy such as, you wouldn't hire an electrician to change a faucet or do plumbing, nor would you hire a plumber to reroof the house. These, as are elder law and IP law, very distinct practices.
I think you and DH might want to agree on just exactly what you'll do and what you won't (emptying mouse traps - that sounds like a insult job!). Sit down with your parents and tell them you've worked out a plan that would benefit all, that you'll handle a - g tasks, but that you can't continue to do it without financial compensation, particularly since your siblings don't pitch in.
If they disagree, be emphatic that you have to limit, and CONTINUE to limit your role. You can help them find outside help (for which they'll have to pay), but you just can't be mouse trap emptiers any more!
If they object that siblings won't come to visit w/o being reimbursed for expenses, suggest that since the siblings get reimbursed, they should take over your duties while there and give you and DH relief.
It's only equitable that the adult children share in the tasks, one way or other, but certainly not equitable that they're paid to visit.
Assandache, jeanniegibbs always give great advice here, as do many others. I agree about seeing an Elder lawyer asap. God luck and God bless.
When you need a laugh, look up...."you know you're a caregiver if " and " whats the funniest thing your care receiver has said lately."