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I have legal guardianship over my 89 year old mother, who has dementia. She is in complete denial about her dementia and refuses to believe there is ANYTHING wrong with her. She has been diagnosed by a doctor and many people have talked to her about it, but she just dismisses it all.
We have recently found that she is urinating in her bed at night and there is spoiled food in her refrigerator and she even had a BM in her bed.
My sister has been caring for her, but she is not well and it is becoming a terrible burden, emotionally and physically.
We found a very good independent living place for her that has an apartment available now. She can transition to assisted living there and we can add services as she needs them. She thinks she needs nothing and is FLATLY refusing to move. I have the legal authority to make her move, but I will probably have to have her physically restrained and moved to do that.
Should I do that?

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Sadie. Your boyfriend will not get the house at this point. She waited too long to sign it over to meet the 5 year lookback so the house is an asset to be sold and money used for her care until it runs out, then she will be eligible for Medicaid.   
It sounds like his parents have as much as admitted that they expect YOU to be her (unpaid) caregiver, or they wouldn't be saying they will have to hire one if you move out.   You need to move out (which is a good test of your boyfriend's commitment to you whether he is in agreement). You get nothing out of this arrangement, except the grief you are living with every day. This is not helping your relationship either.
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You stand to get nothing from all of this. It's your boyfriend who will supposedly inherit the house. Who's to say you will even still be with him (much less married) by the time his grandmother dies? How do you benefit?

Why should you be the caregiver for this woman? Because you walked right into this situation, and were taken advantage of by everyone. You are the free caregiver.

You are only 22 -- walk right out of this situation. If your boyfriend is the "one," he will walk right out with you and put all of this behind him, too. His grandmother is NOT his responsibility.
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Sadie, if the grandmother gives your boyfriend the house and she goes on medicaid, Medicaid will penalize her for transferring assets within a 5 year period. And it doesn't sound like she will last 5 years. Medicaid will place a lien on grandma's property for the amount of care that the state provides under Medicaid, and unless you are caring for her for another 5 years after the transfer date, the state will not pay for her care until she has paid herself the equivalent amount. You are best to be move out of the house. These days, there is almost no chance that a person that requires nursing home care that is paid by Medicaid will have a house or other property to leave to anybody unless you are willing to spend 5 years in their home past the point of transfer. Sorry that no one planned for this situation.
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She does have dementia as well and it makes having conversations with her difficult. She's either angry or confused. There's not much of an inbetween anymore. My boyfriend told his parents and aunt this morning that he was be talking with her this afternoon and blatantly ask her if we can have the house (because he will be getting it anyway according to her will.) If she does not want to move out then we will. I have already started looking up places because I have a feeling she won't budge. His parents said if we move out they will have to hire a full time caretaker for her and that will drain ALL of her money in just a few short years versus going to Assisted Living and not draining her money. They had a plan set up when she got the diagnosis several years ago. Now, no one is sticking to the plan because she doesn't want to and thinks we are all making it up and scheming against her to get her money.
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Sadie it appears you are stuck in the situation as long as you live in the house with her. The family has abdicated their responsibility to you partly because they justify that you are living rent free as compensation for her care.

Suggestion: search out a new place to live and call a meeting with the grandmother's family. Inform them they have 2 weeks (or a month at the most) before you move out.  Be adamant that you will not be coming back to the house to take care of her after you move. You need to put the responsibility on them to find a caregiver or to move her. Hopefully they will care enough to do something before she falls while living alone.

Its a tough situation for her because it sounds like she has dementia as well.
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I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 25. A year and a half ago we moved in with his grandmother because she has Parkinson's and we needed a different place to live. The original deal was that we were not her caretakers and we were just there if she needed something at night. Right before we moved in she had a severe BM all over her bedroom and bathroom and lost function of her legs. She had to call a family member in the middle of the night to help her.
For awhile, things were fine. She was still very independent at home but was not driving anymore. Fast forward to now, she is angry all the time, paranoid, has fallen several times (once hospitalized because she cracked her head open on the pavement), has left the gas stove on (i have taken the knobs away) and many other dangerous behaviors like walking down the street and getting lost. My boyfriend and I have been fighting with his parents for a year now trying to get them to understand the severity of her condition. We have stairs in the house and although NONE of her things are in the basement anymore because we live downstairs, she continues to go up and down the stairs unattended.
I work from home so when the caretaker isn't here I'm responsible for her even though I have clearly expressed that I do not want to be her caretaker. I am trying to focus on my own life and instead I'm stuck with an old lady who I barely know that calls me all kinds of names.
I can't take much more of this. His parents keep saying they are working on it but nothing has changed. She continues to refuse to leave. She has visited the assisted living place (which she knows some residents there), her son has written a letter to her (which she threw in the trash) and we have even had outside people try to talk with her. SHE IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Does anyone have any other suggestions?
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I can sympathize. I kept my mother home as long as possible. My mom was very independent and her doctor knew her well. He told me if your mom ever gets to the point she cannot live at home when she knows she's never going home she will give up and die quickly. From the day I told mom she was unable to go home again she lasted two weeks. I was lucky to have financial resources to keep mom home until the very end but home care even moving in with her is best.
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Hi Susiefaye:

I can feel your frustration and I totally understand it.
First and foremost, ignore the perfect people on this site who have everything figured out and relish sitting in judgement of others. Everyone's situation is unique because people are unique, and dementia makes everything harder.

As for helpful situations around getting your mom to move, I just did this on November 30, 2016. The date will be forever etched in my memory because it was the hardest decision I've ever made. My mom hadn't left the house since June, so I had to get very creative to get her moved. I ended up telling her we were going to the doctor to get her blood pressure prescription. We went to her geriatric exam and then straight to the assisted living center. Hardest day of my life. She actually did very well. She didn't even notice we were driving a different way "home." When we got there I told her we had to go in to get the prescription filled. Once we got her into the unit I disappeared. Yes, that was so, so hard, but the staff assured me they would take it from there. I kept reminding myself that these were trained professionals who knew what they were doing. I stayed away for about 5 days before visiting. It's now March and she is doing fabulously! She lives in her own fantasy world, so she often talks as if she still lives at home, but came to the center for lunch. I just roll with it. The key was having everything set up and everyone on standby. I wasn't sure I would even be able to get her in the car, but once I did I sent a text to the doctor's office and the center to say we were on our way. Everyone understood that we might have to abort the mission if I couldn't get her in the car. Again, these people are professionals who have seen it all.

I hope this helps. Good luck. I know how hard this is. I still struggle with the decision despite my mother adjusting so well. Remember - you are doing what is best for her, and for you. That's not wrong, selfish or bad. You are making a loving decision in order for both of you to have a better life.
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For those of you who advocate keeping your parent at home, good for you but how dare you judge someone else! If you can't be supportive and offer suggestions that may have helped you keep your parent at home, then you have no business on this site! Good for you that you found a way to make it work for you right now. Not everyone is so lucky. Some could criticize those keeping their parent at home as just doing so for their money. Didn't like that did you! Well DON'T JUDGE! These people sharing their difficulties above had every intention of keeping their parent at home but now they are having difficulties keeping up with their care for any number of reasons. Kudos to them for recognizing that. My Mom lives with me now but she needs to go to assisted living and for now refuses. I always said I would keep her here as long as I could physically keep up with her care. Now she refuses all showers and refuses my help to wash up or wash her hair. I physically cannot force her. Also she sits around my house crying saying she doesn't want to sit around here waiting to die. And don't tell me it isn't like caring for a 2 year old because it definitely can be at times and good for you if you haven't had that experience yet. Although incontinence is not a problem for my Mom I have to follow her around the house like a toddler who will get into things... like pouring milk on to the paper plate that she put cereal on when I was in the bathroom, or putting dishwashing liquid in her hair for hair gel, or taking a bite out of a small travel soap in a shiny candy like wrapper. I could go on and on. My Mom is miserable about everything and everybody. She will go into Walmart and yell at the staff for "sitting on their a** and not earning their pay" . Medication has NOT helped her depression and agitation. My Mom has always been a social person, used to do stand up comedy for senior centers. And when we went to visit an ALF for a sing a long, she not only sang but got a kazoo out of her purse. So no matter how much she complains to me, I know she will be better off there. I just have to get her to go. So if anyone has suggestions good. If you only want to be judgmental, go be righteous somewhere else!
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zythrr, is your comment relevant to this thread? How?
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I came upon this thread after reading the news story of a nurse who was found guilty of sexually assaulting a 69 year old nursing home resident with dementia and parkinsons who can't speak,. He was seen with his mouth on her breast.
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I have been in geriatrics over twenty years working with seniors and their caregivers. Making an infantile reference that taking acre of elderly parents in like taking care of children is false, insulting a huge misconception. For starters, we do not have nor want the ability to discipline our parents. And if you are physically assisting with things like toileting and feeding, well then, you certainly know the differences there. Although role reversal is real and being in a situation where we have to make decisions for our parent is real, the guilt game of they did it for you is a terrible approach. There is a time when parents become unmanageable and cargiving take a toll on your health, leaving you no good to anyone in your family. It is always important to take the seniors wishes into account, but also balance what is best for you and your family. Everyone's level of stress and burnout from caregiving is different. I assure you, your role as a parent in preparing your child for the next stage in life and having a successful healthy hopefully happy person at the end is a world of a difference than how caregiving for a parent ends.
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TJ - I have read that here before - that the parent actually settles in pretty well. So glad the nurse said she would deal with that upset. Staff are very experienced in that kind of thing, Take some deep breaths. You have done very well. Yes it is a journey and I think it is getting better for you. I think you are over the hump! (((((hugs)))))
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I'm back! Thanks for all the encouraging words. Mom has been transitioning better than expectec, at one point telling me she was the one who decided to stay there for a few dsys. Lol! Tonight was tough. She got it in her head that someone stole money from her purse. She insisted I come pick her up. *sigh* The nurse assured me she'd handle it, but boy is this a journey.
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TJ, good for you! You've done the right thing for everyone involved, especially your Mom! In the days to come, or weeks, she will comebto realize it too, and you will be able to have the kind of Mother Daughter relationship you truly wish for, visiting, lunches, shopping, and all! You did the right thing!
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TJ, glad it worked out, and you owed yourself that good cry, for sure! There are probably a couple more of those inside to let out when you can. Your story even made me tear up a little. Doing the right thing is sad and hard sometimes, but you did it.
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TJ. Time to take care of yourself a little. Yes, it is so painful because it is changing your role from being her child to being her mother. Hard for her, hard for you because you feel guilty. You did the right thing.
Take heart though. In AL, she will make friends , and AL will provide activities and entertainment appropriate for her age. She will eventually feel like she belongs.
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TJ, I'm glad it went well. The crying is normal. You did the right thing, but it hurts horribly. You're losing your mom, bit by bit.

Right now is the time for some self care. Got get whatever medical and dental checkups you've put off. Get a haircut. Take a long walk. Take care of you, and let us know how it's going. We care!
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Quick update. I managed to get my mom in the car, to the assessment, and to assisted living. It actually went very smoothly, but once I got to my car I cried all the way home. True bawling. If anyone looked over at me at a stoplight, they would have been like, "what the hell?" I cried for an hour more once I got home. Ugh. I know it was the right decision, but the guilt is just horrible, especially since she was having a good day today. All chatty and what passes for upbeat these days.

I was told to stay away for 5 days, and I will, but ugh, ugh, ugh. This disease is HORRIBLE!!!
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Prayers for you and your mom. So sad and sorry it ended that way, especially for your mother. Some day your brother may regret it, but maybe not.

It happens that way in so many families. For 15 years we were the last ones on the list for a short visit from stepson and family when they came to town. We could tell it was a "duty visit". Then four years ago they said they were coming on July 4 and never showed, never called for six months. We waited them out until just before Christmas and hubby informed Sonny (by e-mail) "don't bother to come". Big excuses "we forgot, we try to see everyone" Hubby (79) responded "and we are last on the list, if you have time and your children don't even thank us for money and gifts". He took Sonny out of his will, and as far as he is concerned, he has no son. No doubt though, if something happened to "Dad" he and his status seeking, money spending wife would show up looking for something they will not get, including any friendliness from me.
Take comfort that you were the good son, and your mom loved you very much and left this earth knowing you loved her too.
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TJ, prayers go with you and mom from me and probably most everyone else on here who read that!! Prayers for the good doc too!!
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Continued.. My brother has to deal with the fact his mother died hating him.
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My mother did not have dementia just age related decline. There was difficulty with her living on her own but her doctor who had known her for 40 years told me, kelp her home as long as possible. He knew her mindset his prediction was once she knows she cannot live home she will give up and die. My brother and sister in law who had neglected seeing my mom for over 20 years tried to bully my mom into a nursing home mainly as a punishment for writing a will that cut them out. When my mom had a heart issue and was hospitalized I was going to move in with mom to give her some last days at home the cardiologist said she had a few months left, they threatened to make my life a living hell. I had to break the news to my mom that while I would gladly take care of her I could not fight my brothers relentless interference so she would have to go to a nursing home. My mom thanked me for all my care and love and damned my brother two weeks later she died. Home care is the best, I had personal financial resources that mist people don't but never had the chance to help. I wished I had been able to let her doe in her own bed which was her last wish. I have no regrets or guilt, my brother had to d
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After 2 years of reading comments on this site I am preparing to move my mother into assisted living tomorrow. Of course, it all depends on whether or not I can even get her in the car. She hasn't left the house since May, and I haven't been able to get her to a doctor since April. Tomorrow she will have her full geriatric assessment and then go straight to assistant living. I am absolutely terrified about the entire thing. She is 84 and has been suffering from cognitive dementia for about 2-3 years. Of course, she thinks she is just fine, refuses help, and becomes furious when I bring her groceries, do her laundry, etc. The other week she told me, "children are your worst enemy." Gee mom, thanks. I know it's not her, but wow. Its taken me a long time to get here, so I pray all goes well tomorrow, but I'm racked with guilt and fear. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
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Others have had this to deal with. In some cases they have, in consultation, with their parent's doctor and the facility staff, set up a room in a facility, taken their parent there and left them. Usually some calming meds are involved. The parent is very angry for a while but gets over it. Could you use the :excuse of going to visit one of her friends? If you are serious about this, start looking at ALFs, talk with the staff about your problem, it is not unique, and start discussions with her doctor and perhaps yours since your health is being compromised. You do need to look after you. 40% of caregivers die before the person they care give. ((((((hugs)))))
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I also have a big problem trying to convince my 89 year old mother to even consider assisted living. All her living friends are in one, tell her how great they are and still she refuses to even go check them out. I have been taking care of her for seven years and the first four weren't that bad, but the last three have been miserable for both of us. Still she would rather make my life a living hell instead of doing something we would both benefit from. I do have power of attorney and am seriously considering just taking her to one and leaving her there!!!!
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When an elder engages in behaviors that could get them arrested if normal standards were applied, it may be time for a geropsych unit or service to step in. Sometimes there is a medical issue that will get things back to baseline when treated, other times psychosis and paranoia need direct treatment, even at the risk of side effects. Sorry this is happening to you all.
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I guess you can never be 100% sure, but based on what I witnessed in person and the responsiveness of the nurse, I highly doubt it. Some of the stuff he said to the nurse and caregiver are some of the same remarks he would say to my mom many years ago, and she was not mean to him. Also my dad's version of the story is the same as the nurse's as to what happened, but his blame is mis-placed. For example he was angry because the lab results from his Dr. did not arrive on 2 days as the Dr.'s office promised. He took that out on the nurse, although she has no affiliation with the Dr.'s office. In fact, she called the Dr.'s office 5 times to put a rush on the lab result sign off so he could get it faster. She has a been a very strong advocate for my Dad with the red tape at the Dr.'s office, pharmacy and rehab, so it would be very strange for her to turn around and be mean.
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arlingtonhts

Are you sure the nurse and caregiver weren't mean to your dad?
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I am in a similar position. My father has some sort of dementia, but quite frankly a difficult person his entire life so I can't tell which is which. I paid for in-home care so he could stay at home. I live 2 hours from him and work full-time with two kids; so I can't visit all the time. The caregiving / nursing service was great and gave me a daily update. Things started to deteriorate, and today he finally threatened to kill both the caregiver and the nurse. He cornered one, and she escaped out another door. They refuse to come back, so in-home care is no longer an option.

Question -- I have POA for health and financial. However it sounds like I need to go to court to and get "guardianship" or some other rights to force him to go into a home? I wasn't clear on that.
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