She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
I know what it's like because I've had to deal with it. For a few years I was working full-time for two invalid, incontinent dementia clients.
One crapped and peed all over the place on the way to the bathroom. Then overflow the toilet with paper. It would be flowing all over the floor for me like a geiser of toilet water, piss, and watery crap. Talk about Old Faithful... The other would get on the portable commode next to her bed in the living room, crap her brains out, then tip it over daily right onto the already filthy wall-to-wall carpeting trying to get up from it. I finally just put her in diapers. She was none too pleased, but it was the only way
Then after my paying workday was done I could come home to my mother's sh*t bucket filled brimming with a whole days worth of pee and crap. Then deal with her anxiety flip-outs and fight insitgating until bedtime.
I get you, sister. Believe me I do.
Please consider some in-home caregiving help. Or even putting your mother in a nursing home for a bit of a respite break. Yu do not have to be her caregiver anymore. You don't have to and maybe she's at the point where she needs to be in a facility. She sounds like too much for one person.
Also, stop trying to take her out, or do things with her, or give her things she might enjoy.
Like my mother, yours doesn't want to enjoy anything. She doesn't want any joy or pleasure or even hope in her life.
They only want disappointment, misery, discord, sadness, and resentment.
Stop breaking your own heart over and over again trying to please her or trying to get her to enjoy something. It's not going to happen. You deserve better.
Please for your sake look into some homecare or placement. Good luck.
I think one of the biggest problems is her incontinence. She manages to pee or poop in the bed or on the floor and without a doubt her foot is always rubbed right in it. She came home from hospital and they stupidly didn't take out her Foley catheter. Nurse came and removed it next day. Well, I went to check on her later that night, and there was brown liquid all over the bed pad, all over the sheets, all over her and she has her hand moving around in it and of course her foot. I had to get the bed pad off the bed, get her diaper off, put a towel on the fitted sheet because of the mess, put a new sheet on top and try to clean her up. What an absolute mess. I did laundry with bleach to get it all out. Supposedly it was old blood, that is why it was brown, from the catheter. This is what I deal with. To all those who tell me they know it's hard. No, actually you don't know, because you have never had to deal with it.
Thank you for the bravery of sharing your story! For a minute I thought we had the same mother!!! My mom has dementia, I've been staying at her place and caring for her since the night her neighbors called me and told me she was "wandering" out in front of her apartment building at 1am. My mom and I have never had the typical loving mother-daughter relationship. Nothing I did was ever good enough, she always made me feel less than! Now she needs help, my siblings aren't available, so, tag, I'm "it"!! She has these mean and horrible episodes where she accuses me (or some non-existing thief) of stealing her money, moving her things around (which she does in her "other" mind and then doesn't remember moving them). It has been rough and I'm realizing I can't do this anymore. So it's like a breath of fresh air to read someone else's story and reminds me that I'm not alone. Thank you!
I am glad you found this helpful. Is there any way to get him or you two into therapy if he sees his mother as the problem also? There is an emotional dance going on there and she prepped him for the dance. She will never cease to want to dance, but he must dance with you and stop dancing with her. That will be hard to do. If he will not go to therapy with you or on his own, please go for yourself which may, in turn, help him. I found it helpful. Once I started setting up boundaries and not letting her hide behind my pants from her mom, then things started to change.
Our home life is loving, warm and peaceful when we are not in touch with her.
This story makes my blood boil for it's the same as my MIL did to my wife who finally stood up to her mom when she witnessed her abused our boys exactly like she had abused her and her sister.
Frankly, my friend, your husband needs to hear clearly that he must deside who he is married to. You or his mom. There is a good book that might help you with this. The title is When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment Paperback March 13, 2007 by Kenneth M. Adams
As Dr. Adams wrote in his other book, it sounds like your husband has been silently seduced by his mom to be her emotional partner.
Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.
I've been there and my wife was there.
Someone needs to write a book When she's married to mom because it is the same dynamic.
Every day I am grateful that my mother is gone. I went thru much hell with her. There were some good spots and I remember those too.
It comes to an end eventually. Bad behavior is not ok, no matter who it's from.
Take Care of yourself and family first
and someday enjoy deep breaths of gratitude guilt free that you no longer have to deal with her.
You are not alone, I am currently walking on eggshells with my mother. My mother is mean, mean, mean and is controlling me with her illness. I know she is not well but the paranoia is bringing me down. I cannot even get someone in the home to help because she thinks she is well. I am in need of a break, I want to run out of my own house. I feel like I am her hostage and dealing with the paranoia is bringing me down. My three older siblings are lazy and WILL not take responsibility for some of things they can do. so, I am dealing with this every single hour in the same house. Do not feel guilty, we have to take care of ourselves so we can continue providing the care we need for our mothers. I am in need of respite care and trying to find out what I need to do. I have breast cancer and trying to schedule surgery, maybe I can get my respite in hospital. I'm just afraid to go to the hospital and my mother is at home in the my house alone. Thank you for sharing
May God restore peace when there is none.
Regardless, after over 6 decades and with it being worse now by several orders of magnitude, I'm done.
So, i know exactly what you're feeling. Is she safe? can she hurt herself or anybody else? If the answers are yes and no, you're golden. Don't beat yourself up. Does no good for anybody.
Roger
My dad had a stroke and was in bad shape anyway and is essentially unable to communicate but I can't even visit with him as it turns into all her all the time. (they're sharing a room in a nursing home). I can't call or text asking about him as i get no response other than how badly she's treated.
I can no longer stand to be around her and there's no relationship with her beyond how badly she's treated.
Don't feel guilty. You're not and feeling that way won't help anyone, least of all yourself.
As an aside, she's totally different to the nursing home staff. They just love her and think she's the sweetest thing ever. The staff at this place is awesome beyond words. Both my parents are safe and cared for and beyond that, I really don't have anything left in the tank now.
Roger
Oh! You're just on the right path.... you're on the way to finding the perfect way to tackle your challenge! CONGRATS TO YOU! Ten points, Venting!
And your idea is not so weird at all! It's a great skill. [Well, at least that's my way of viewing it.]
Keep up your work of caring for yourself, and creating healthy boundaries. [I would recommend you read the book THE BOUNDARY IS YOU. It's very helpful in building a healthy self, caring for yourself, and that automatically leads to being able to help other people without destroying your own life and freedom.]
You are a great person. Believe me, it will come a time that you'll reflect on yourself and say: OMG! I've become such a happy, healthy person. Thank you God for sending me this challenge.
Take it from me, Venting!
Best wishes!
Love ya,
Belle
put yourself first.
don’t allow anyone to drown you.
your life is just as precious.
I’m trying to follow Belle’s advice (in particular point 3).
It’s weird (and I think it might be true for many of us) :
I’m much better at being kind to others, than myself — in the sense that:
My mother’s problems are (objectively) very urgent. So I try to help right away.
But this goes on and on…
And my life goes down and down, because literally there are few minutes left for me in the day.
My day is spent:
-recovering from the abuse
-helping with urgent problems
-trying to work
I’ll try to make a major change.
My problems are just as urgent.
This will sound weird:
but I’ll have to imagine I’m someone else (a friend), and I urgently must help my friend.
Empathy to you all & I hope everyone finds a great, positive (for yourself) path forward!
My life is much better without them but it’s very hurtful to reflect on it.
“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!”
Very positive attitude! I love it!
And I’ll try this:
“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge.”
Searching for the perfect way :).
THANK YOU.
I feel your pain. I've experienced something so similar, and this is what I've learnt:
1-NEVER FEEL GUILTY!
You are a good person and you're doing your best. To prove what I'm saying, just look on how guilty you're feeling! This proves that you truly do care for your mom, [and deep, deep down, perhaps, you also love her. Just for the fact that she brought you to life.] And this is despite the fact that all she caused you in your life is abuse, anguish, and pain. Therefore, you have nothing to feel guilty about, the problem is all hers. Whatever you're doing, is to be admired.
2-DON'T CUT OFF WITH HER, SHE'S YOUR MOM - but do make sure to CREATE BOUNDARIES, and to PROTECT YOURSELF and YOUR FAMILY.
This can be accomplished by speaking to a smart person who can advise you when you should or shouldn't visit or bring home your mom. And perhaps a good therapist can teach you how to be totally indifferent, and remain calm and happy at the times you are with her.
3-LIFE IS CREATED TO ENJOY, AND AT THE SAME TIME, LIFE IS FULL OF CHALLENGES. the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!
Good luck to all of you!
Belle