My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Amazing that this post keeps going. I think that’s testament to the power of the topic and how many people can relate to it. I hope the OP has some relief now

Hopefully the poster’s mother has gone to her final reward by now and poster is under a palm tree drinking blender drinks. 😁

This post is from 2011! I doubt if this poster is still around.

I see my mother nearly every day when I go back every other month. She is nearly deaf and cannot hear on the phone so I no longer call, and for some reason she stopped utilizing iPad messaging so I don't text anymore when I'm not local. If there is something bad, I'm sure someone will call. I look at my off month as a respite until I start in again.

I think there isn't enough money in the world for a doctor to want to get involved with the emotional drama around "difficult women".
There's just not a pill for it, hee hee.

Why can’t doctors get involved with these wicked women? There is something terribly wrong with these mentally off and terribly abusive mothers! I’ve got one too! Disgusting!!

No. You,have a right to protect your mental health. I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Unfortunately toxic mothers can TUG at our hearts. One where thier is bond for our flash and blood our mother. However facts are the facts...usually when you are a compassionate caring person,it usually harder to pull away. As the mind will be in confusion,you know you have too for your mentality,But your values,your kindness being human and deep ingrained aspect,of your own morther,who carried you for 9 months will be lodged deep in your psychic mind body and spirit.

Ask,me how I know. because my own morther,is complete evil nasty person who,never ever deserved a deaghter like me. I work in Mental health and have worked in the field for 30 years. I still,get triggered by my morther,I can't do it anymore,as I have 2 times nearly committed suicide by her nasty evil ways, By her DARVO response for me confronting her on behaviour why she is assusing me of something that , to ponit I was questioning my own mind. DARVO.
Her own denying
Sisters Attacking me.
Reverse
She become the victim
I have become the offender.
At 58 years,old I had to cut ties with most of my siblings,morther. Move out of area,after 30 year relationship.
As,it feels she wants to break me down.

I can not go through the pain anymore. For my own saninity,what's really hurtful you hope deep down she does love you.
However I belive that some people mothers just to toxic, they are sick in the head. How can they love you.
Ive had to deal with low self worth most of my life,because my nasty evil twisted mother. Who over the years,has been hot and cold towards me. When it was good our relationship we got on,however,she just could turn nasty and start twisting stuff,making up lies getting my sibling involved to bully me.

She turned me away at age of 18 years when I needed help. Played me off with my other sibling, she accessed me of stuff when I was growing up,I became her scapegoat,as well as family scapegoat. I never was trouble or did drugs but the way my family treated me. I was treated like shit on thier shoes. I ashamlly allowed that to happen,as I was desperate for her love,and to be part of family.
My journey has been different from my siblings,I have trained in all aspects of mental health, I can not tollarate how human can not have emaphthy for another human,or animal.
So. What "I'm saying" Dont let anyone even your mum take you for granted. No more. They know right and wrong,they have the capacity of sound mind. No more second chances. Elizabeth



manipulation,blame,not taking

I’m in the same boat.

No you are not alone! I moved out of state to get away from my mom, abuse is abuse! I still went to visit off and on. And helped with her care for the last 6 months of her life every weekend. My mom was so bad that everytime I hit the state line my whole being would start panicking and telling me to turn around go home. I had several reoccurring nightmares over my mother, for as long as I can remember. When she passed away I was relieved. All nightmares went away. 10 years later I'm dealing with my inlaws being horrible. I'm starting back at my old job in 2 weeks.

Two points:
1) Anyone “born during the Great depression, children during WWII” is now coming up to 100 years old. Most elders have lost the ability to dominate with those bad behaviors at that age.
2) This post is dated March 2011. OP is long gone. It’s not a good idea to resurrect it.

It may help to remember that this generation has special issues. Born during the Great depression, children during WWII. Pretty sure these kids were denied much and complaining was not an option. Was the love and nurturing there? I don't think so.
As elders now, I suspect that a lot of their childhood trauma is coming to the surface. In their own way, they are trying to communicate this. None of us were there to see what these adults endured during one of the worst times in modern history.

Most of their needs were not met and there was much neglect and abuse. Again, I think much of this played out in their adult lives and still does. Very sad. Patience and understanding with this generation can do wonders.

I feel ya! My mom had dominated my entire life. Both my sisters escaled snd I got stuck with the hot potato. I keep trying to out up boundaries then sje gets sick and I have to come and save the day. I’ve missed my entire life because of her. I will say this. Covid is your friend. You ALL have covid for the Holidays. That works well. 😉

It seems my mother has been confiding to her former helper (who is now a friend to me as well) how she wished she was a better mother when she was raising her kids. She knew my mothers entire story.

after I got past my initial shock that my mother had been confiding in her about this, I told her I was glad to hear my mother had remorse about her behavior during those years, because she should. I think the helper thought I should be more forgiving. But I can’t.

I really don’t want to confront my mother about any of it. It’s too late because it cannot be fixed. I just continue to do what I do.

Im under an enormous amount of stress right now and this on top of everything else is not what I needed to hear.

No my mother is the same way. Fuk these old nasty ppl. They will cause a riff in your happiness. Do not let that happen

I so understand! You have described my mother to a T. She has recently been diagnosed with dementia and I am her only child besides 2 stepsons that are now out of the picture since her husband died. I am finding it extremely difficult to care for her and to have to talk to her daily for hrs on end as she rants about everyone and everything. She is and has always been a compulsive liar and I find myself calling her out on her lies which makes the situation even worse.
Don't feel guilty for the feelings you're having, get some counseling...I am and it's helping.

OMG I'm so sorry but have to tell you I can deeply relate to your message every word I thought I was only one I too have that mother but she is a lil more controllable you would not imagine I know it's sad cause a mother daughter relationship should be close. But I as well can not tolerate being by my mother's side since I was 12 I just have this feeling inside all the belt whips the pulling hair the slaps the insults it just hurt me so much and yet I hug my daughter and granddaughters and tell them how much I love them none of my kids or grandkids accept her as Nana to this day she insults them and yells at them I mean in cussing words. I have to tell her to be quiet in a harsh voice she so evil mean idk but I can say I relate very much to your message I just want no more to do with her and put her in a home I'm done and tired thank you so much at least I know I'm not the only one that there are people who are going through this other than me thank you

If it gets to be too much you have to find them a place to live. It came to this with my 80 year old mother-in-law. She was manipulative and attention seeking. We let her rent a condo from us when she moved back to our state and all she did was complain and turn the family against me and my wife (her daughter). She was literally ruining us financially because she was paying so little rent on the condo that my wife and I were losing over a grand a month making up the different in mortgage payments on top of our own mortgage. We discussed the idea of her moving into an assisted or independent living but she refused because she didn't want to spend the money. Instead, she sat on about 400k in the bank and continued paying us the little she did monthly for rent out of her retirement income and constantly complained she was broke. She continuously dangled the 400k over our heads saying she was going to divide it up amongst her 4 children now so she can let them enjoy it while she is alive to see it, then the next day she would hysterically cry and say she had no money. It was nightmare of control and manipulation that had all siblings ready to take legal action against one another. I finally could no longer take it, nor afford to lose anymore money, so I told my wife "look, I will understand if you want to divorce me for this, but I'm selling that condo and your mother is out. It's a bit harsh, but this is hell being created by financial and emotional abuse we are enduring." My wife surprisingly agreed with me and we got her mother out and into an assisted living. Sometimes it's for the best. You can't sacrifice several of your adult years, risk your job, finances, personal life, and emotional well-being on caretaking for manipulative and combative elderly family members.

I'm going through something similar. I'm 54 and my mother who just turned 77 have been estranged for several months. I simply had to walk away. She would say horrible things and never apologize or act as if she hadn't said anything. And I got tired of the constant guilt trips and "after all I've done for you". Recently her "friend" passed away who helped her alot and she is having some health problems so my husband and I visited her. We live over 9 hours away so it's not an easy trip working full time. I knew things were getting worse with her. The smell was just horrific. I suppose no one else had the guts to tell her. Needless to say, I cleaned her up. She's a bit heavy and her folds were irritated.

My brother visits fairly regularly but he's financially dependent on her as well. He's her "Golden Child" so we have little contact. I have no problem being the bad guy. Have I always handled things well? Absolutely not. But, a person can only take so much and life is too short. We have offered to pay for full time care since she lives so far away and refuses to move yet. The minute you bring it up, she's suddenly feeling better.

There's no easy answer to any of these situations. I'm constantly struggling between my head and heart. I never wanted her to get to this point and never wanted her to feel forced to do anything. Eventually, we all have to make tough decisions and live with them.

You are not alone, believe me... I am 54 and been living with my 76 year old Mother for the past 17 years, no matter what i do for her its never enough, I could take her on holidays for a few days, come home and the next day if I dont do as she says then I get told "you dont do anything for me".. its so exhausting on times, I get called greedy if I want more than 1 piece cake a day, I get called lazy because I do my washing when its needed and not every few days (then she complains I use too much electricity), I very often get told "this is my house, I`m sure you think its yours sometimes".. I am single with no children so moving out and getting a place of my own is not practical with the price rise of everything, she moans about everything and everyone, none of the Grandchildren or Great Grandchildren have anything to do with her, no one comes to visit, none of her friends ring her, she blames all of them, she cant see any fault in herself and if I try and point out a few to her she starts crying and doesnt speak to me for a week.. thats fun I can tell you.. if I dont cook lunch for her on time I get the cold shoulder... Every conversation no matter what anyone talks about, my Mother always makes it about her, my Sister lost her Son a few years ago and she is not the same now but my Mother says things like, "I lost a Grandson but im just getting on with life and so should she" and then she expects me to agree with her and moans if I don`t... don`t be guilty with how you feel, its what your Mother has done to you not anything you have done, you are NOT selfish, you gave your all to her... Take care and try to enjoy the rest of your life x

Think of it, like having an enemy in your life. That’s what it is.

I can not tell you how many posts I've read about children in your exact situation. I'm here because I'm just like you.

You are not alone.

Dont feel bad that you've given so much of your time to an uncaring person. At least you are no longer living with her and having to deal with her 24/7.

The best I can tell you as to why she's like this is due to the fact that she was a damaged person. She's inflicting this hurt onto you to make herself feel better.

Other posters have have explained things a lot better than I have.

Say this every morning, "Today, my life starts over again."

House, (((Hug)))

“But it is bothering me more now than it ever did that I didn't move out when I could have.”

There were advantages to staying in the house. Our minds are always automatically calculating advantages/disadvantages (cost-benefit-analysis), then we make a decision.

We hardly ever make random decisions. Just toss a coin and let the coin decide. There were some benefits for you to stay in that house, that’s why you stayed and that’s OK.

Hindsight vision is different: looking back we KNOW the cost/benefit to a decision. We know if the costs outweighed the benefits.

Anyway, you never know: maybe if you had moved out sooner, something much worse would have happened. We just don’t know.

You made the best decision then, with what you knew.

🐻🐻🐻
The fact is:
Your mom should never have abused you. Many mothers abuse their daughters. So extremely jealous of their daughters. They’ll never admit it. They might have to admit it to God one day.

I have one of these mothers. No matter what happens in my life, it eventually becomes all about her. My childhood was rough because my sisters and I never knew what was going to set her off into one of her abusive hissy fits. They were beyond awful.

Going back and examining how difficult living in that house frequently was back then, I constantly go back to why I put up with this and continued to live at home. I was 21, engaged and my husband and I bought a house before we were married. I could have moved out and chose not to. I don't understand the person I was back then. I could have had a better life if I left when I started working.

Maybe it is sort of like Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know. I was so damn afraid of her. But it is bothering me more now than it ever did that I didn't move out when I could have.

Are you my sister? J/k my mom does not suffer from dementia and still acts the same way. I am 58 and she still expects me 2 report to her all of my actions. She lives alone and it's a 3-5 hour drive (depending on time of year and time of day). She is always complaining that I don't visit her often enough. When I do visit, all I ever hear is how great everyone else is to her, especially my sister. (My sister is single, lives closer, and is in a position at her job where she can make her own schedule pretty much.) She is constantly putting me on the defense and making me justify my actions. (Why didn't I invite her to join my husband and my 2 boys [with their wife and g/f] on my vacation) She has 2 dogs that she refuses to leave in a kennel for trips and (because of a medical condition) she has bouts of diarrhea which causes her to need a bathroom asap, often leading to accidents (especially while driving long distances)
When my dad was in the hospital (on his death bed) she waited 5 days to tell me.Then told the nursing staff how I was selfish and ungrateful because I didn't come visit often. When I finally got the news, I drove the 5 hours to see him, only to have the nurse scorn me for not being there sooner. My husband ripped into her, she then reported that to my mother who called my house before I could get back home and left a message on my voice mail saying that she no longer had 2 daughters, she only had 1 and "that's NOT you!" My 15 year old (he'snow 33)son heard the message and wants nothing more to do with her. (He hasn't seen or spoken to her since.) She blames me for this, saying I poisoned him against her.
She has stated to me that since I am married and have children and my sister is alone (divorced) that she doesn't need to focus on me. When my sister and I are visiting her at the same time, she does on my sister and pretty much ignores me. She guilt me into coming down to celebrate my sister's birthday (mom bakes a special cake and takes her out to dinner (I pay) yet does not even text me to say happy birthday. In fact, on my birthday this year she texted me to ask when my D-I-Ls birthday is.
My mom was diagnosed with cancerous tumors about 10 yrs (she has them removed via surgery) and she over-exagerates what the Dr says or just makes things up to make it sound worse. (My aunt goes with her to Dr appts so that we get accurate reports) Mom now claims cancer is in her bones which my aunt reports the Dr did not say.
I really do not feel like dealing with moms over dramatic, often over-exaggerated problems. Am I being an ungrateful "child" for not wanting to respond to her "woe is me" texts?

My mother is the same way ! She has as far back into my childhood that I can remember been the most hateful person I have ever known. She was bipolar and schizophrenic
and had no filter on her mouth. She has no shame in anything she says or does !! She had 2 daughters and 6 sons. She treated me and my sister horribly. Yet gave praise to her boys and they saw nothing wrong with the way she treated my sister and I. My sister left home at the age of 14. She was pregnant and my dad ( a wonderful loving man ) signed for her to marry the babies daddy. My sister never spoke or had anything to do with our mother after leaving.
I do not blame her at all. My dad left my mom shortly after my sister left he could no longer tolerate her hateful and pathetic attitude and her physical abuse. So needless to say that left me to endure all her verbal and physical abuse. And she managed to make me feel sorry for her and think it was all my dads fault that she acted the way she did. She never worked a day in her life and drew welfare check that barely gave us a place to sleep. So at the age of 15 I went to work to help with a place to stay while her boys stayed in jails or prison. She would rake and scrape money up to send to them not caring about me having to walk to work and school and most days Hungry if my aunts didn’t feed me on that day. I managed to finish a college course and went to work at the hospital as a nurse at the age of 20 I felt obligated to make a living for her The boys all in their 30’s ended up getting married and straightening up and had happy lives and family of their own except the youngest one he still lived with my mother and I. Me the only one working struggling to keep a place to live and neither one of them cared. She continued with her manipulation and guilt tripping and evil , hateful attitude. And I continued to feel sorry for her. She has done some most horrible ungodly things to me through out my life I had every reason I should have hated her and left and never looked back but again I felt bad about her being homeless if I left.
I am now 63 and still providing for her and my brother. I have managed to marry a great man and have a beautiful daughter granddaughter
He does not like my mother because of the way she does me and him. But he tolerates her. She has had a stroke and now Alzheimer’s on top of that and her mean Hatefulness and ungrateful attitude is out of this world. She thinks it’s my obligation to do for her I owe her because she is the mother. She doesn’t appreciate anything. I am to the point to where the sound of her voice is nauseating to me and sends chills through out my body to hear her. I hate waking up knowing I will get up and walk into the living room and she will be the first thing I see and I hate facing the day with her.
she thinks I am to wait on her hand and foot and she is to sit and cuss me all day for not doing enough for her. I am growing to have hatred in my heart for her and wondering how much longer God is going to allow me to endure her evil Hateful and uncaring self. She is 90 y/o and still going strong. She does anything and everything to hurt and humiliate me on a daily basis. She doesn’t want anyone to have anything to do with me at all !! If I have friends over she will make sure she hurts their feelings to where they never want to come back. She makes sure I have no spare time for my husband. I have to hire someone to stay at my house 6 days out of a year (during Thanksgiving) so My husband and I can visit his mother who lives 21 hours away from us. And then she burns my phone up the whole time I am away. I have just recently got to the point of blocking calls from her when I am gone. I am literally mentally , emotionally and physically exhausted. I do not want to be around her anymore at all. I feel like she has always known what she was doing and that was to destroy everything in life for me she made sure I had no happiness in my life at all.

Don’t feel guilty one bit! If she cannot behave see her separately before or after the holidays for a set amount of time at the care facility. She’s a toxic person and her bad behavior should not be rewarded…

Scampie,

So sorry that your brother is in the hospital . I hope and pray he will be alright .
Many of us scapegoats end up as caregivers and/or working in healthcare, social work , or other service industries . We are groomed for it.
We attract bullies , somehow they sense our sensitivities . I don’t have advice on how to not attract these people. (((hugs)))

I don't know why this old post popped up today when I was going through some articles on AgingCare.com. I'm sitting here crying because my brother is currently in the hospital fighting for his life.

I was also abused by a crazy alcoholic mother. Unfortunately, most Al-Anon meetings in my area are currently online because of the pandemic and never fully resumed in person meetings. The ones in my area are long gone.

I remember lying awake in my bed at night listening to the rantings and ravings of a spiritually tortured woman who eventually turned on me. I spent the majority of my youth scared out of my wits. I suffered from dizzy spells, stomach trouble, IBS, depression, and you name it. I had a severely disabled younger sister. One thing about evil and dependent personalities is that they stifle the life out everyone around them and make hostages out of the scapegoated children.
Mom died eventually and never got any type of help for her issues. Instead she took her nasty behavior on her husband and kids. When dad got to the point he couldn't take it anymore, he left. I was the one sacrificed to finish up everything after mom died. I got my younger sister placed in a group home. She finally had some semblance of life before she passed in 2015. She got to take trips, got baptized in church, go to school and have a life in a beautiful group home setting. I finally left home and managed to get my own place.

I got the you are not good enough treatment as well. I still get triggered by clients when they act overly entitled and treat me like a fourth class citizen. I don't know how to stop attracting these types of people around me.

I taught my children that the biggest bully in school usually had the saddest life. This woman gave birth to you and raised you apparently. I'm not sure if you had a dad around or not, but MY mom was like this too. I ended up caring for my mom for two years before she passed away. I can only tell you, my mom is gone now and if I could turn back time, Id gets to the reason my mom felt the way she did. Why she pushed us away and hurt us? I realized she too was hurt. She pushed yet she wanted us to push back because as tough as she acted, inside deep, she should have been my child. My mom hurt me a lot, but all in all. I miss her deeply and know I could have figured her out and this would have helped the entire family. Remember when grandma's not there, the kids are still learning a lesson. One thing you do not want is more regret. Before you make this decision, please find out your mom's growing up history. The more you know, the easier.

its wonderful that you continued to go and see her despite how awful she made you, and later your family feel. but enough is enough. and if that is how your feeling as well, then it's time to end that relationship. if possible, tell her why you're not coming back. I'm sure you will feel much better after you make decision.