She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
When she does, my thoughts where they were the hardest time of my life.
Recently I figured out why, my parents still my life, my friends became her friends, I couldn't be myself because they where always there. If I didn't go to an away game I would get disapovel from mom. If I got mad at the ex for being to involved in his childrens sports , I'd get crap.
One time my son got beat up but some kids, I didn't tell mom, then got grief from her because someone else told her.
My in-laws came, they were not like that at all. I usually just hung with them, because mom and dad where to busy stealing my life!
Looking back I'm a bit annoyed at myself for letting that happen
Also I didn't look , but if you did fill out your profile page, do so , it much easier on us answering your questions.
You don't have to put up with this there is always away out
Sending best wishes ~
He was abusive to my mother when she was at the end of her life -so much so that safeguarding had to get involved and placed her in a nursing home. I feel like I have PTSD remembering how tortured my mother was and also so resentful that I had to care for my mother as a single mother with a toddler because he could not cope and now I have to care for him.
I wouldn’t waste any energy not liking her. And definitely don’t spend any energy feeling guilty. I wouldn’t be able to stand her either. I would treat her well and then turn around and put her right out of my mind. We do not want to spend her energy overthinking their behavior. It is such a waste of time.
I would have minimal visits. Making sure she’s cared for. And as comfortable as possible. And hopefully by now you’re done with all of that.
I’ve worked for a woman that behaves very similar. We are now going on the eighth year. She has been negative and depressed all of her life, and as she has become aleven older with some dementia, it is even worse. She drank forever and now being in an assisted living, she cannot drink. So then we deal with being a dry drunk plus the negative behavior plus the dementia. She is very hateful towards others and mumbles a lot of nasty things under her breath. Everything is a negative. Everything is hateful. She is definitely what I call toxic.
I am encouraged by many others to take care of myself do what I can for her and then put her out of my mind and take care of myself.
I’m sorry this is your mom that behaves (behaved) this way I can’t even imagine if this woman were my mom. I always think I’ll do my best job and thank goodness I receive a paycheck.
Take good care
I feel your pain and I am sorry that you are going through hell with your mom.
Walk away from her when she starts her foolishness. Don’t be her audience in her dramatic performances. Let her become a solo act in an empty theatre.
Smile on your way out! I have done this successfully with people that I don’t wish to be around. It’s extremely gratifying!
I have absolutely no desire to argue with a stupid person. Ignorance can be overcome. Stupidity is another story.
My grandmother was an angel from heaven. My husband’s grandmother was pure evil who tried to be a dictator to everyone in her life. People like this know who to latch onto. They target vulnerable people.
Ha! She succeeded with her husband. My husband’s grandfather was a sweetheart, devoted to his wife and refused to get a divorce due to being a devout Catholic.
Everyone told him to leave her but he couldn’t find the courage to leave. Divorce was very much frowned upon at that time. Sadly, the man never retired from his job because he didn’t want to be alone with her.
When he got cancer, the first words out of her mouth were, “What about me?” She didn’t give a rat’s a** about her husband or anyone else. Her husband left her with a mansion uptown and tons of money but nothing was ever enough for her.
Unfortunately, he died a broken man.
She died completely alone in the hospital where she continued to spew hate towards everyone. She wrote hate mail to all of us before she died. It’s sad and rather pathetic to see people living in so much misery.
She told me before I married my husband that she EXPECTED me to be at her house every Sunday for dinner! I said to her, “That is NOT happening!” and I walked away.
She lied and told everyone that her only daughter, my sweet mother in law was “faking” her cancer! I honestly don’t know how my mother in law survived her childhood with that woman!
Plan your escape as soon as possible. Then one day, all of this heartache will be nothing more than a distant memory.
You do not have to live in pain forever, nor do you have to have vengeance in your heart. You can simply live in peace.
Don’t ever allow anyone to hurt you or own a piece of your heart and soul after you leave them. Freedom is a beautiful thing.
Wishing you the very best in life!
Your mother behaves as she does because the people she behaves this way to have always allowed it.
Don't make yourself a prisoner to your parents care needs. You have a right to have a life and to be treated with basic human respect and dignity. Also, no one can be put on a guilt trip unless they are willing to make the voyage.
The next time your mother gets 'mouthy' or abusive with you, look her square in the face and tell her to go f*** herself and give it right back to her. She sounds like a bully and you should treat her like one. I'm sure she'll fold like a cheap suit the second someone stands up to her.
Let me tell you something. No one has to automatically respect their parents or tolerate abusive behavior because they are our parents.
Anything beyond basic human respect is EARNED not guaranteed. If your mother wants to be treated with respect by you she can start treating you with respect.
If she doesn't, then cut her out of your life. Go totally 'Gray Rock' with her. You don't have to have a relationship with a person like her. No one does.
You'd be doing yourself a favor by moving away. You can still have a relationship with your father.
It helps to see I'm not alone in wishing her life would end and that helps me have a little less guilt about that wish.
I doubt if you can legally force your mom to get on a plane.
You desperately need to see an elder law attorney in your state. It has helped me so much. See some of my old posts.
Hugs to you.
Try to figure out what you need to do to get some distance from her. You matter too.
You cannot take verbal abuse or any abuse for that matter thinking that it is just rolling off your back. Eventually, it catches up with you.
Posts like this one can still be useful for others to read.
I have not been able to figure out how AgingCare closes posts. Lots of great posts are shut down because they don’t seem to be placed in the rotation cycle.
Years ago, my grandfather choked his granddaughter when she was trying to administer care to him and my mother had to go in and make him stop. He was another mean man and would beat his wife. It was mainly the two oldest granddaughters who stayed home and took care of him while the parents worked. He abused the hell out of them too.
She is now going to be 67, and it's just crazy. It's always everyone is against her. She ridicules my father for having cancer, tells him he is stupid all the time. I work a high stress job, but the real stress is dealing with her. I often say it's sad I can get along with anyone in the world, but my mother. As soon as I am off work it's how useless I am. I am a failure. It's also endless guilt trips to make me feel pathetic.
The part that hurts worst of all, I am disabled. I have been for 15 years since a work related accident in my mid twenties. I have no life outside of work because I have given all of my free time to my parents. I am constantly being screamed at, which aggravates a headache condition. The endless stress is starting to have a strong affect on my health. I am planning on relocating, but the housing market is abysmal, especially with what I can afford.
She has become such a psychotic pathological liar, and she never understands anything anyone says. She takes everything the wrong way and then it's take it out on me and my father. Her doctors and neighbors think she is a sweet little old lady, but she deserves an academy award for her acting.
Somedays, I just want to die to get away from it. I'm one man, I never asked for this, and I never deserved the hell I am put through. The other people who left comments are the only reason I am still breathing. They have left me feeling a little less lonely in this world.
LOL 😆 It’s really dumb since it’s a very old post! I bet the poster’s mom has already been buried! The post is from 2011!
Administration should close the post.