My FIL should not drive anymore. Unfortunately, he's passed special examinations from the DMV - twice - and the last test was about a month ago. So he's sure he's a fine driver. Frankly, he has the legal backup to "prove" it. My MIL says if the DMV says he's OK, he's OK (but she's nervous). They have to make a long trip to a military base each month to pick up meds and do inexpensive shopping. These trips wear them out, so now I must go with them. Since it's on base, I can't simply run these errands for them. (My husband's slightly disabled, and there's no one else within hundreds of miles.) My FIL, of course, insists on driving - and on taking their car - and MIL backs him up. This is really getting scary, but I see no way out, and I resent being in this precarious position. Guess this is just a vent.
Mom and I also had a sit-down with her Neurologist who point blank told her she was a danger on the road - THAT made no difference to her - she just told him that with all her years of driving she was less of a danger on the road than he was (he was in his 40's). Other docs were not as forthright as he was, but gently nudged her toward giving up her license - to NO avail - she'd have none of it.
Finally - I rallied her doctors - who ALL wrote a letter to the DMV telling them she should NOT be driving. I also had relatives write in as well (you see, this way I could honestly look her in the face and tell her "Hey, your doctors wrote to the DMV, not me!" Thank God for semantics!) . At long last her license WAS pulled and that was that. It was a battle but well worth the fight...and her driving wasn't THAT bad, but I had no desire to be a passenger in a vehicle where driver pulls OUT the IN driveway of Loew's on to a busy, major, highway.
This made no difference to my mom as she was in total denial about her failing driving capabilities, but you might want to ask FIL and MIL if they are ready to lose ALL their hard earned assets if they should hit and kill someone and get sued.
Good Luck, it isn't easy but it IS a battle worth going to the wall for - way too much at stake.
I recently went through this with my FIL, so I am familiar.
First of all, you said " he's passed special examinations from the DMV - twice - and the last test was about a month ago." What "special exams" did he have? Seriously, if he passed a written exam and a driving exam, I can't understand how he COULD if he is a bad driver. HOWEVER, there are probably TWO things you CAN do (I know because I did them). 1) You can talk to his dr. and if his dr. agrees that he shouldn't be driving, then he can sign the form (from the state) that says he medically should not be driving. At the very least, in this case, the DMV will retest him but it will be UP TO HIM to navigate it (make the appointments, etc.). If he has dementia, his dr. will most definitely not sign the paperwork for him to drive. 2) YOU can turn him in (through a special DMV) form. And it's anonymous. This is what we finally had to do. You send in the form with your reasons why you feel he shouldn't be driving. Then you will receive (at least I did) a phone call from DMV to interview you about it. Then HE will receive a letter saying that he must retest (written and driving) PLUS his dr must give the ok that he can drive (within 30 days) or his license will be suspended.
As for the drugs, is there a mail-order option?
I will be praying for a solution for you! So stressful.
Perhaps the distant base trip for meds is a relic of the past. Walgreens accepts Tricare now if they have Tricare coverage. Mail order should certainly be available option. My uncle has 3 insurance coverages - VA, Tricare + something else and doesn't pay much at all ($3-7) and mail order for 3 month supply of on-going meds.
My uncle tells me the base grocery prices are no longer a good deal as they were 20 years ago. He gets similar pricing at regular stores and doesn't bother going to the base commissary anymore.
And above all, refuse to go if you are not driving and your vehicle would be best to avoid the key possession issue.
She no longer has a car but still has a license! All I can say is thank God she didn't hurt or kill someone else. She wasn't even given a citation for this!
You have the right as an adult, even if it is your M/D/MIL/FIL to control your own life. I understand why they going to the base, but it was their decision to do so. Once they realize how difficult it is to do by themselves, they will have a change of heart and accept your assistance, that is, only if you can drive. Remember when people get older the biggest fear is, little by little they are losing control of their life and what they physically can do for themselves. Once they start accepting help it means they have to give someone else the control. They will fight toot and nail to keep their way of life to their standards, so that is the real reason why he wants to drive. Our elders need the same guidance as our children. We want them happy and safe, while you keep yourself happy and safe too.
Good luck to you, but make sure your husband speaks to him too.
Explain to them that you will be driving if you go. Be firm and smile. Once you have driven them, they will realize how much easier it is for them to relax and ride along. You might suggest it on the way home when they are tired and wore out!
If your FIL doesn't have any dementia, you should be able to reason with him.
If you can't, then you should refuse to go or become sick. You have a responsibility to yourself and your husband.
"From now on, when we are both in the car, I drive."
He never drove again.
Get this into your head, this is not a moral dilemma. it is a safety issue.
Safety first!
You have very right to set your boundaries. If he doesn't like it, he can stay home.
In terms of calling a halt to FIL's driving in general, what about a dashboard camera? If he thinks he's Nikki Lauder or something and he's already passed the tests okay, he may not object to a further way of showing what a brilliant driver he is. And then, since the camera doesn't lie, you'll have any evidence you need on record.
A few years later I was in the car (which was rare) the day my mom got a speeding ticket, driving in a school zone. I had to explain to my mom that a cop was behind us, repeated over and over "Please pull over, you must stop now!" and then, repeated to her over and over that a cop was standing outside the car. Then she wanted to know what the cop was asking. I had to explain that he wanted to see her license and registration which took repeated explanation on my part. I kept asking myself why the cop was so clueless as well, why did he not question why this woman needed explanations about this routine thing. Poor Mom! She paid the ticket when the bill arrived in the mail.
Years later, one more time I was with her when she was driving. Yes, it was truly terrifying. She stopped in the middle of the road for no reason, repeatedly. One of the offhand remarks she made was, "I am the best driver on the road!" I swore I would rather walk ten miles than ever get in with her again. We kids prayed for a smart cop, which was about all we could do since we'd gone through all the channels we could.
Mom had already wrecked the car she had and was now "renting" cars whenever she felt like it. One day, after years of this nonsense, my brother got a call from the town police saying my mom had been in a car wreck and they had taken her license and driven her home. No one else was hurt nor was anything significantly damaged. Mom was fined for the small damages incurred to the rental car and the other car. She paid. She was told under extreme remote conditions she might get her license back but the courts deliberately made it impossible for her.
I don't know what you but a lot depends on your local laws. Unfortunately many elders really want to hold onto their licenses to the point of denial.
Most of us have some aspect of aging we simply do not like to admit, even to ourselves. Perhaps we aren't as good at a task as we used to be, or we don't remember the things we learned in college, we can no longer speak that foreign language as well, or we can't do figures in our heads anymore nor thread a needle. Some women don't like admitting they are having hot flashes. Or we don't want to admit that our years ahead are fewer than the years that are behind us.
For now, I don't mind making the drive and taking care of the in-laws, as long as I'M the one doing the driving, and as long as they only need moderate care while on base (finding groceries, general running around, bringing the car to them, etc.).
The problem is that my FIL still thinks he can drive safely. He can't. The day I posted the OP, he'd just totally proven - again - that he cannot. (If only we could convince the DMV ...)
Taking/disabling their car is not an option. He's still got it too much together for that to work. More important, my MIL still needs the car. She limits her driving, but is still capable of driving locally, in good weather and by daylight. Hiding the car won't work, either, because her mobility is slightly impaired and she'd never be able to get to the car. She will *not* get tough with him, although she and I are on the same page as to his abilities.
All I can do is get tough myself, and stay tough. And I'm really grateful to the group for urging me to do so.
Pretty easy solution, for a few dollars their meds could be shipped UPS or FedEx. Surely both shippers do business with where they get their meds, don't they?
We are definitely getting to the point where traveling so far for meds and groceries is impractical even if I take over all of the driving, simply because it is so wearing on them ... but for now, the savings are HUGE.
My MIL fully understands that changes will soon be necessary. My FIL cannot cope with this level of decision making. As for me, I'm willing to make the drive as along as it's feasible. At the same time, I'm also seeking viable alternatives.
By the way, this is the first thread I've read about anything, anywhere, where all respondents were unanimous. Many thanks!
They're on a civilian health plan, but a military meds plan. Military mail order meds are available only if they switched to the military health plan ... in which case every doctor's visit would require many additional long drives to the base. (And I'm not sure they can still switch over to the military plan.)
My FIL's regular doc sees nothing wrong. It was a substitute doc who turned him over to the DMV.
My MIL is frail, but sharp. She's started to opt out of the trips, but no way does she want to cause a fuss, or be caught in the middle of one. Regrettably, I need to cause a fuss. But it's her I'm worried about, not him.
I bet the commissary is like going to DisneyLand for them each month, and they look forward to that.
My parents would only get their meds via mail order and it was sent to their mailbox at the post office. I rarely go to that side of town but would have to check their mailbox twice a day if they were expecting a Rx delivery. I would go during my lunch hour at work.
Finally I got my parents to have their Rx meds delivered to the perfectly good mailbox that sits at the end of their short driveway. But Mom was still worried that the mailman would know what pills she was taking.... [rolling eyes].