My FIL should not drive anymore. Unfortunately, he's passed special examinations from the DMV - twice - and the last test was about a month ago. So he's sure he's a fine driver. Frankly, he has the legal backup to "prove" it. My MIL says if the DMV says he's OK, he's OK (but she's nervous). They have to make a long trip to a military base each month to pick up meds and do inexpensive shopping. These trips wear them out, so now I must go with them. Since it's on base, I can't simply run these errands for them. (My husband's slightly disabled, and there's no one else within hundreds of miles.) My FIL, of course, insists on driving - and on taking their car - and MIL backs him up. This is really getting scary, but I see no way out, and I resent being in this precarious position. Guess this is just a vent.
You have the right as an adult, even if it is your M/D/MIL/FIL to control your own life. I understand why they going to the base, but it was their decision to do so. Once they realize how difficult it is to do by themselves, they will have a change of heart and accept your assistance, that is, only if you can drive. Remember when people get older the biggest fear is, little by little they are losing control of their life and what they physically can do for themselves. Once they start accepting help it means they have to give someone else the control. They will fight toot and nail to keep their way of life to their standards, so that is the real reason why he wants to drive. Our elders need the same guidance as our children. We want them happy and safe, while you keep yourself happy and safe too.
She no longer has a car but still has a license! All I can say is thank God she didn't hurt or kill someone else. She wasn't even given a citation for this!
Perhaps the distant base trip for meds is a relic of the past. Walgreens accepts Tricare now if they have Tricare coverage. Mail order should certainly be available option. My uncle has 3 insurance coverages - VA, Tricare + something else and doesn't pay much at all ($3-7) and mail order for 3 month supply of on-going meds.
My uncle tells me the base grocery prices are no longer a good deal as they were 20 years ago. He gets similar pricing at regular stores and doesn't bother going to the base commissary anymore.
And above all, refuse to go if you are not driving and your vehicle would be best to avoid the key possession issue.
I recently went through this with my FIL, so I am familiar.
First of all, you said " he's passed special examinations from the DMV - twice - and the last test was about a month ago." What "special exams" did he have? Seriously, if he passed a written exam and a driving exam, I can't understand how he COULD if he is a bad driver. HOWEVER, there are probably TWO things you CAN do (I know because I did them). 1) You can talk to his dr. and if his dr. agrees that he shouldn't be driving, then he can sign the form (from the state) that says he medically should not be driving. At the very least, in this case, the DMV will retest him but it will be UP TO HIM to navigate it (make the appointments, etc.). If he has dementia, his dr. will most definitely not sign the paperwork for him to drive. 2) YOU can turn him in (through a special DMV) form. And it's anonymous. This is what we finally had to do. You send in the form with your reasons why you feel he shouldn't be driving. Then you will receive (at least I did) a phone call from DMV to interview you about it. Then HE will receive a letter saying that he must retest (written and driving) PLUS his dr must give the ok that he can drive (within 30 days) or his license will be suspended.
As for the drugs, is there a mail-order option?
I will be praying for a solution for you! So stressful.
Mom and I also had a sit-down with her Neurologist who point blank told her she was a danger on the road - THAT made no difference to her - she just told him that with all her years of driving she was less of a danger on the road than he was (he was in his 40's). Other docs were not as forthright as he was, but gently nudged her toward giving up her license - to NO avail - she'd have none of it.
Finally - I rallied her doctors - who ALL wrote a letter to the DMV telling them she should NOT be driving. I also had relatives write in as well (you see, this way I could honestly look her in the face and tell her "Hey, your doctors wrote to the DMV, not me!" Thank God for semantics!) . At long last her license WAS pulled and that was that. It was a battle but well worth the fight...and her driving wasn't THAT bad, but I had no desire to be a passenger in a vehicle where driver pulls OUT the IN driveway of Loew's on to a busy, major, highway.
This made no difference to my mom as she was in total denial about her failing driving capabilities, but you might want to ask FIL and MIL if they are ready to lose ALL their hard earned assets if they should hit and kill someone and get sued.
Good Luck, it isn't easy but it IS a battle worth going to the wall for - way too much at stake.
As to the original post, I think we often put our elder's needs above our own sometimes, and sometimes it's just ridiculous the things families go through. People need a reality check as aging brings uncomfortable realities and the older generations don't seem to have been equipped/prepared to deal with it. Perhaps the boomer generation will become more enlightened with aging and can gracefully move into their mature years without overly burdening their families or adding more dysfunction to troubled family relationships. I know family dynamics play a huge role in what can be said or not in difficult times. Control, manipulation, is at work etc. Social workers can often step in and be a buffer, a great source in these situations. Best of luck as things progress.
His memory is poor, and just keeps getting worse. While he can perform all daily skills, I noticed he was not able to help my MIL much at the ER or after we got her home.
The day I sent my OP, he had just pulled out of the garage without checking to see if my MIL was completely in the car. He gets impatient - he had to go, and he had to move NOW! The car door knocked my MIL to the ground, and she hit her head on the pavement. We spent most of the day in the ER (he drove me, and it was scary). Luckily, my MIL's wound was relatively minor, though she still has a painful bump.
Then, he wanted me to go to the base with him the next day. With him driving, of course. I felt trapped and obligated. Many thanks, again, for helping me snap out of that!
He's already been reported to the DMV twice, and was cleared - again - just days before all of this. His regular doctor will NOT do anything - it was a substitute doctor who most recently tried to stop him from driving, and that doctor is pretty much never available.
There was no way to move further until all the holiday foo-far-rah was over, and now, of course, I've got a head cold to beat the band!
As soon as I'm reasonably non-contagious, I plan to talk to my MIL about the possibility of a neuropsych exam. She acknowledges that he has difficulties. I'm also documenting what I see so I can file my own report, if need be.
Unfortunately, I may need to ride with him at least once more so I can add to the documentation. Frankly, I'm a wimp about this (the riding, not the filing). Catch-22.
My MIL is non-techy by choice. But she is able to learn to do what she needs/wants to do. We may be able to work on an online prescription solution, if both the military and civilian insurers don't tangle them up in too much red tape.
My husband was forced to stop driving after his stroke at age 54. I had similar fun with him, too, for awhile. But his judgment improved over time, and he lost interest.
My husband is with me/us on this, but he's not in a place where he feels he can talk to either of them. For one thing, this is all very emotional for him, and his post-stroke response to strong emotion is to go into deep fatigue and involuntarily zone out. Talking strategically is also difficult for him most of the time. He wants to be on the team, so add his own frustration to the mix.
One of my sisters-in-law intends to move down this way in the next month or two. She filed the first report on my FIL. I just hope family dynamics (all families got 'em) don't stand in the way of sanity.
I'd think the kind of injury your MIL had would have prompted the ER to ask questions--either he did it on purpose, which is spouse abuse, or it was an accident that could indicate declining driving ability. Either way, they should have records. I hope you can go to the BMV with this info and suggest he be retested.
Several years ago, our state DMV got in a spot o' bother for yanking licenses inappropriately, so they've since swung in the opposite direction. Many doctors are also reluctant to act.
Practically speaking, it's the family's sole responsibility, which we must proudly take on with our hands tied behind our backs. I don't think I'm *legally* liable, but morally and ethically, where it really counts -- I'm 150% responsible.
I don't think driving privileges should be based on age, but on ability. Of course, ability should be tested more frequently after a certain age (though I'm not sure which age), and/or when certain medical conditions are present, and/or when driving records indicate possible issues.
Most of the bases around here have closed, so the one he uses IS the closest one. He can get meds through a civilian provider - but they would cost several hundreds of extra dollars per month. (He does not get anything though the VA.)
That said ... his driving's the issue. I have offered and offered and offered to drive them - and not just to the base and back. I can do so with ease. (Sometimes, they'll let me.) They're a few minutes away, and I'm retired, so my own convenience is not an issue.
So yes, they need to go there. But he does *not* need to drive. He looks for reasons to do so. If we eliminated the base trips, he'd simply find a different long drive to take.