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josefchuk, I'm curious about one thing.... why do you feel guilt? I don't know why your mother is saying such hurtful things. Sometimes its because of aging and the mind shrinks, sometimes it is our mother's choice to be hateful (and there's nothing you can do about that).

But if you have provided to the max, then you have nothing to be sorry for. Sometimes it really does help to have intervention and third parties assisting.

I know that when I stayed with my father (he has dementia/Alzheimers), if I even questioned him, he felt I was being insubordinate and would get raged with anger. My dad in 35 years NEVER raised his voice, so I knew it was the disease. But now that my father is in assisted living, the staff can distract him, and ask him to do things and he feels he's helping. Where if it had been be, his chivalrous behavior would be angered.

You have to learn limits. Some people are gifted to do this. God bless everyone's choice in how to care for their loved ones.

But by all means, examine what you feel guilty for and do you really need to feed that guilt? Guilt can only be accepted if received by you. Its your choice in what to feel.

Don't give up!
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Dear J...2326, Stick and stones do break bones, and words do really hurt. But, encouragement counters that. Sounds like there's a lot going on here with you and your mom. But nothing is irreversable. Sounds like you need help. So glad you're writing here. Hope it helps you by venting, and hope you find the courage to not only address this problem, but the strength to withstand and make necessary changes. I won't presume too much right now, by giving advice, as I don't know all the particulars. Hard to advise someone without knowing the full story. (Not that you must supply it.) However, perhaps we can help dispel some of the guilt, and help you past hateful words. For myself, "been there; done that." Lots of hateful words and actions by my mom. It's a journey, and a walk of faith. Perhaps there's a viable option of workable solution. Just want to make sure you're OK, and have some space to think. While your emotions may be raw, some perspective may help you with them. Know you're not alone, and that someone is praying for you. Does your mom have some type of dementia, etc.?
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I don't want my mother to live her anymore either, but it feels too late... Either way, I have so much guilt, I can hardly live with myself... Her hateful words have almost destroyed me.
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Heavyload:

After calmly explaining to her that you've done the best you could but the living arrangement isn't working out, give her 6 months' notice. Lay it out for her in plain English, making sure housing options and financial assistance are covered. Six months should be more than enough time for her to mull over any separation issues she might have and get used to the idea of moving out. I'm sure she'll modify her behavior for the better because her behind is on the chopping block, but stay firm. The moment you let up she'll realize you're not serious about putting her out and go back to her usual self. Do you know why parents push our buttons? ... Because they installed them! Good luck.
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I have not written in a while. My mother,too, had moved into our home 3 states away with my husband and me in 2007. After about 16 months of "hell" for all of us, we decided to move her back into her own home. She was 83 at the time with early dementia but physically able to care for herself. after the move here, she lost all sense of purpose. She would not help do anything around the house-although she was plenty capable. she just sat in one spot all day and waited on us to wait on her. When we moved her back to SC in June, (she was 85 )we took her first to an assisted living facility but she would have no part of it. So we hired a p/t caregiver to help with chores and errands. My nephew lives close by so he would check on her 2 or 3 times a week. In Oct. she fell again and this time the dr. told her she needed care 24/7. Boy, was I dreading having this conversation about moving into assisted living again but the cost of at home care was unbelievable. Luckily, she was financially able to take care of herself (at least for several years). I had been ready for a nervous breakdown when she left our home so I knew that this was no longer an option. Surprisingly, when we met with her, she was receptive to the move to assisted living. She was back in her home town and knew alot of the people that were already there. We immediately moved her and now 2 months later she is very happy. Her very first boyfriend 70 years ago is at this home and they have formed a new friendship. Both of them are cute as can be.
I guess I just wanted to share my story and let some of you know that there are other options out there. I encourage everyone to "be still" and find what is the right thing to do in your heart. I know for myself, in the beginning, I did what I thought was expected of me. My heart and soul showed me different. Not all of us are capable of being the primary caregivers for our parents but that does not make us any less of a person. and it does not mean that we love them any less either.
My mother was just as unhappy in the house with us as we were with her here. But as an older person, they sometimes cannot make the decisions that they need to make. they look to us to make the right choices for them. I know that alot of people in this situation does not have the luxury of choices that money can provide. but there are government agencies and other sources that can be helpful. Be proactive and educate yourself as much as possible. And step outside of the box if you have to to get some relief. Last but not least, do not feel guilty for your feelings. That was the one thing that was killing me... I could not shake the guilt of things not being "right". but I know now in my heart that I am doing what is best for my mother as well as my family. Hang in there and I hope that everyone has a "peaceful" Christmas.
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That sounds reasonable, naheaton. Not everyone can afford adult foster care or AL. Sometimes the solution isn't an easy one. Many discussing this are caring for those who can't reason or make important decisions. What senior/elder wants to be at the mercy of another? Sad.
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I don't understand why a parent would WANT to live with one of their children. Most parents don't want to be a burden to their kids I thought. I know I sure wouldn't want to live with my son, as much as I love him. Can't you just tell the parent that you value your relationship too much to live together? That you will help them find the perfect place where they are around people their own age, and have the ability to be alone if they want? And it doesn't have to be a nursing home. What about adult foster care or assisted living? I would think they would rather stay independent as long as possible, rather being taken care of like an infant. (I'm talking about the parent that still has their faculties, and their health is fairly good.)
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Rosanadannafan, sounds like your mother might be suffering from depression. The major change in her life could have affected her more than expected. Would she be open to talking to her doc about it? also, would she be a candidate for assisted living? You said she is not impaired........she might actually like it if she tried it.
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Ya, I have the same thing going on..... but my Mom, is impaired. She has neuropathy, and macular, and now with dementia/alz. I cant to out and leave her alone,,,, I'm afraid she'd burn the place down, or fall, or something irratic. Sometimes, I can get out if my ex is not cycling in his bi-polar. Then he is willing to let me go, and be out for a couple of hours, for Christmas. I have enquired with my local ALZ chapter to see what they offer. I do have a young woman that is willing to sit with Mom, occasionally, if I can afford the babysitting fee. So, perhaps, I can go out more than 2 or 3 times a year, before I go crazy. And yes, Mom controlls alot here, close the blinds at 4pm, before dark, cover our coffee with a plastic lid, so bugs dont fly in it,,,,, grinds her teeth, follows my ex all over, puts dishes in the wrong place, (I can handle that), but I cant handle, opening my cupboard, to a used depends. So, I know what you are saying.... it is a difficult situation. Do you have a reliable sitter or friend from church or someone that can help you with house work, and let you and hubby go out alone once in a while?
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I can so totally relate to this. My mom came to live with us about a year and a half ago and it is the exact opposite of what I expected. She was always very active, social and involved, but it all changed when she got to my house. Now all she does is sit around in front of the t.v., get in my way and make excuses why she doesn't want to go anywhere. I want out but she is not physically or mentally impaired, so a nursing home would be totally inappropriate for her. I am an only child, so it's all on me but she is driving me and my husband out of our minds and has totally taken over our home. Don't know what to do or say any more and I am now suffering migraines because of it.
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Hi folks,
There was a group decision made to halt this discussion, and remove posts, as things were getting out of hand. Caregiving is an emotional topic and people sometimes forget that they can’t experience another's situation first hand. No one has all the answers.

When this happens, there has to be a time out.

This site is set up to support caregivers and not to judge their decisions. Sharing your own stories is a wonderful way to do that. Respectfully offering advice is great. But please, no insults and no judging. Share your experience and your strength. Show respect for different views.

You are all good people who have made decisions based on your circumstances. Please, let’s cool off and help each other along with love.
Carol
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thats too bad, I'll miss you. everything is over now, why go?
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yeah... you were right.....
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you will all be happy to know I just asked to have my subscription removed. Good luck to you all
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There are many alternatives to taking care of your parents. a couple of which is an assisted living facility or having a caregiver tend to them. However these services tend to be a little pricey if you don't have insurance. I saw a heartwarming article about children and grandchildren tending to their elder from a post in the NYE.
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i can not believe of you all pepople attackin suzuki what she s tryin to say . i drop out of school when i was 15 !!! the law did not step in ! and i was too mature at 15 !!! and dont tell me that at 15 we re not mature enuff , cuz u be suprise how many 15 yrs old is alot mature than thier own parents are ! raisin thier siblings and all .
you need cool off girl ! i have been upset since yesterday cuz of lovingdaughter made a commets about dementia and now u and others ard barkin and growling at suzki . shame on you guys !!! she came on here lookin for some good advise and all she got was a slap across the face !
now i dont think i even want to come back on this site , you know it all so whatever !!
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These are not mean, vindictive women, but caring, compassinate, giving and loving daughters, who have been deeply hurt. Any judgment on the part of outsiders is shameful. Everyone should be supporting the Caregiver in these situations, and not treating the abusive as if they're the victims here! But the world and the law see things differently, it seems, and calls elders protective. Who protects the Caregiver? Unreasonable demands and impossible expectations put daughters (sometimes sons) in predicaments that no sane person should have to endure. This is almost criminal, but not unusual. For these women, I completely understand, and sympathize. God bless you for all you do, and I pray he give you the grace to endure, in spite of your struggles and difficulties. In these, you're not alone.
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Why dont you find a nice home for her, and get your life back? You arent happy, like me,,,, why are we laying down our lives for ungreatful parents? If I keep on like this, my life is going to end pre-maturely, while Mom lived on to 85, and killed me at 62. For what? A mean, nasty, scratching, insulting, ungreatful, parent that doesnt like us anyway? I have to come out of my guilt,,,, and realize, just because I am not going to lay down my life,,,, for her,,, I am still a good daughter. I loved and adored her enough for 10 kids, but she is hurting me now, to the point where I have no hope for me anymore, they will bury me first, not her. I am on a mission, I am going to get help. So far as pay, she gives all her money away, and none for me. I should begin paying my self. I get paid from my ex, and all the other disabled people I took care of,,,, so why not her? She has it,,,, and I should earn something, while going through this caregiving quest for her. My food bills are higher, my utilities are skyrocketing for her, my time isnt paid for, enough of that. Thats the first change, I'm not doing it for free like a stupid martyr anymore. I feel badly for you, I know what a bind you are in, so am I. You can rent your room out to someone else, that will be greatful for a place to stay, and maybe even help you, and be pleasant to come home to. Why dont you try that? Are you dependant on her income? If not,,,, call around, and move her on her way,,,, and grab your life back, while you can. JoAnne
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no my mother does the same thing only she isn't on the phone she is talking to herself and if I ask her what she said she says I haven't said anythiing whats the matter with you you think I'm nuts talking to myself? hey I talk to myself, I answer myself to because I like my answers. The care givers are the closest in proximity and I think they take their frustrations and anger out on us we are looking at it from Our point of view they are looking at it from their point of view. Which has always been more important to them but no matter how much independance they had and mine didn't have much I guess it is hard to swallow that they can no longer do what they want although mine does absolutely nothing. I am thinking of jacking her rent up if she expects me to come home from a full days work and do her dishes clean up after her etc. I thought perhaps we could become some sort of friend boy was I wrong. She's at the point where she can't live by herself but is perfectly capable of doing some small things and heaven knows I haven't asked her for much in my lifetime but for petes sake you live there well she lives in her room and uses the bathroom and kitchen. thats about it no socialization whatsoever. I am so sick of it I don't even plan family things anymore and if I don't get my butt in gear and clean house I will be turned in for filth.
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you are right Carol. Every case is different. My Mother, through her lifetime has been the family example of giving to others, sharing anything, helping, counceling, she was the church secratary, and a devoted one at that. Today, it is as if she took a vacation on the planet pluto, and came back as the wicked with of the north, and her mission is to break me. To every other human being on this planet, she "still" is darling, considerate, soft, and caring and loving. I dont get it, EXCEPT, she was always kind of rough with me, and even the last 4 yrs, she has gotten worse, and I was blaming it on her diabetes fluctuation. I am her only child, and there is somthing in her, that always resented me,,,, (maybe cause she had to drag me around all her life and it tied her down), I dont know,,,,, but she certainly doesnt behave, according to my performance in caregiving. She still continues to act as though I am the enemy, and she hates me. On a good day, she will be nice, until I have to cross her. (time for meds, etc) I have to allow what is best for her, she doesnt know. But it sickens my heart to be in the next room, and overhear her saying on her cell to my sons, and grandsons,,,, "I have to get out of here", "I wish I was with you",,,, or "I love you sweetheart". I feel anger inside, and wonder, maybe I am the one that just landed from Pluto.
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Dementia, like everything else, strikes people differently. One of my friends has a mother with Alzheimer's and the mom is just as sweet as they get. Will this continue? Hard to say. Some people who are real sweethearts before dementia turn totally abusive. Other's don't.

That's why we all support each other with our choices. We can't really know what another is going through, but we offer the best support we can from what we know.

Take care of yourselves, you wonderful people. It's an honor to know you on this forum.
Carol
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That is fine if your parent is sweet, some of our parents are not some of them thing the sun moon and stars appear only for them and you should be interrupted for their needs no matter what you are doing. Have you ever had to go to the bathroom but a conversation about whats gong on with Casey Anthony is more important. My mother lives vicariously thru the enquirer, the globe and the star. Not to mention she never ever ever wants to enjoy the sun the yard which I've made so nice for her. or the moon she never wants to go out and she doesn't even have dementia yet. One should NEVER judge what another says unless they have lived it themselves. It is stressful and hurtful and after all this is a place to get advice and to vent when we need to. When there is no one else to listen or care about you and what you do this is the place, some of us do not have the leisure to sit at home and jump at every whim some of us have to work and keep the commitments we made before all this started, WE ARE TIRED sorry about the caps whoever said don't use them but they must be used sometimes. I having eye problems do not find them hard to read. We are all different, we have all lived a different life, not all fathers love there daughters, not all mothers love their daughters, mine could be from India or China it is the childs duty to take care of the parent when they get old and I can guarantee you some parents get old and lazy sooner than others because they don't want to be bothered. Before you say someone said something rude look up nacissistic mother and daughter it might give you a better handle of what others are dealing with and by the way we have been dealing with this since we were little kids as young as 4 . I am so happy it is easier for you but that to will change because the most constant thing in life is change. God Bless all
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i understand why elders are put in nh for alot ofreasons , it just that when loving daughter said if my mom has any kind of dementia she has to go , it hit me i thought that was rude of her to say that , cuz my father has dementia and he is sweet kind man , at first it was rough but we dealt with it and found the meds that mellows him out . i dont have any problems with dad at all , otherthan changin his poo and pee briefs , he still is sweetest man , always say thank u sweetheart , everytime i give him something he replys with a thank you . often he t ells me he apprecated havin me takin care of him . and i thank god everyday that he gives me the strenght to care for him .
i realzied that dementia effect people diffrent , if he bites me kicks me spit at me and dont apprecate in what i do for him yes it may be a diffrent story i prob would too put him in nh .
my neighbor and my girlfriend both went thru hell and back takin care of thier love ones and it was just too much , it opened my eyes and i prayed that dad wouldnt end up like that .
now as for my mil , my brother in law is takin care ofher , she gets mean , well i told my husband i wont beable to care for her . cuz in her sitations my nerves cant handle her . am hopein her other son can if not then im sorry i cant do it .
my dad is 86 yrs old and i dont think he has much longer to live , i will continue to care for him ,
i was caught off guard when lovingdaughter said i cared for mom 4 yrs and if she gets any sort of dementia she has to go . it broke my heart .
i wish i have a mom , she died 20 years ago (cancer) ...
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Dear Ihardebeck: Thats really wonderful that you feel that way, and want to serve, love and protect Dad, and I am sure all of us caregivers out there started out that way, with the best of intentions, to "save" Mom and Dad, and give them undivided attention, love, and caring. However, when Dad begins to spit on you, and "poo" his pants, and "poo" the walls, and "hit" you with what ever walking device he has, and tell you, that you are a fat slob,,,,and he doesnt like you anymore, and doesnt even know who you are half the time, then maybe you will understand why some of us, although hurting..... do what we have to do,,,,,,because it is time to put "Dad" or "Mommie" somewhere where qualified professionals can deal with these actions, and they have several shifts of strong, ready, qualified, people tending to our parents, then, finally, it takes a great load off of us, after we have served them for years, and years, and then, and we know,,,,when it just is time. You will know. When Dad starts doing more than eating, sleeping and bathrooming,,, you might be in for a big surprise. Until then, I admire your will, to take care of Dad, your obvious love for him,,,, he needs you now, for as long as it takes. I'm glad you feel the way we all feel. This site is wonderful, and full of loving people to help you along the way. JoAnne
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its not rude for who cant care for the person . but it is rude for someone who can take care of them . just because they have dementia doesnt mean that person has to be shove somewhere eles .
i can take care of dad and know how to handle his situations . all he does is sleep and eat and goes to bathroom . he cant walk good , etc . it be rude for me to do that to him cuz he doesnt like to be in nh ,
i learned how to take care of him cuz 2 of my daughters are cna and they work for hospices , i just cant put him in nh it breaks his heart and it would to me too .
like i said for who cant care for the person then by all means nh be a place for them ....
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Nance,
You are so right and thanks for the kind words. We sometimes are so involved in the situation that it is hard to see some of the facts. We love our families or we would not even be on this site. However, there comes a time when we must bow to the professionals who know more than we do. It is important to do your homework adn find the right facility for you and your family. Not all of them are bad and with constant vigilance, you can make the experience a positive one. Thanks and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah to all!!
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Lovingdaughter-thank you for the back-up.
I'm 70 years old, my Mom is 93 and without the NH, I would be in a big mess.
I do get tired of people knocking them, I go see my Mom often and have never seen anything go wrong. I'm sure things do but I know their better and know more about how to handle her dementia then I would.
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It isn't rude, it is reality. If you can't handle the person who is so sick and needy, you are not doing them any good. You are putting their safety in jeopardy. We would all love to take care of our family members and make their last days peaceful, but the reality is that we all can't do it. Some people require more care than we can give. So, put him or her in a safe facility where they can get the Professional help they need and that you need to make them safe.
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Does your mom have special needs? Alzheimers? or is she perfectly healthy? If she is impaired, you might want to try Adult Day Care. Hours are usually 8-5 M-F, just like child day care. They may have transportation available, and they have all kinds of activities that are stimulating like music, yoga, arts and crafts, games, etc.

Is there a reason you don't want her with you? Is she a burden financially? Perhaps you can hire a part-time caregiver to help you out. Some people just drop their parents off at nursing home because they feel inconvenienced, and that's the wrong approach. If it's because it's too emotionally and financially stressful on a family, then there's good reason. There are so many other options and nursing home should be the last resort unless they are totally incapacitated. That's my two cents.
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my dad has dementia , he just whines and cant get up on his own , i have to help him . why send him to nursing home cuz he has dementia i think its rude . i am going to keep him here as long as i can keep him .
of course im not handling him like lach61 is . but my mil is lik ethat she has alz and my bro in law is takin care of her , so i dont know what goes on there but heard she does gets mean .
lach61 ur mil is tryin to do things for herself so u wont have to do it but she does it all wrong . its not her fault . at least shes trying , its like takin care of a 2 years old whos potty train ,
bless her heart , just bite ur tonuge and go on do ur job , cuz someday youre be doing the same thing ....
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