BonnieW Posted April 2018
Doctor says my 85 year old husband shows serious signs of dementia. I’m scared as I love him and we’ve been married over 33 years.
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Holy. He will not budge from our 4200 sq ft home and refuses to do a Will much less all the other important documents. He and I have both been widowed and I could take him in the back yard and shake him til he’s naked, but doubt that would help. We are ok, not rich by any means. But I’ve no idea what the future holds. I’m 70. We are both in good health except for this damn dementia stuff. Must add, his doctor can talk to mine which is how I got the diagnoses but husband refuses to give me access to his doctor or records. What does anyone think?
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No POA, Will, Burial, etc
Ideally we should sell our big house NOW when it’s a sellers market and move to something we can live in longer. But DH wants to leave this house with a toe tag!
I want to be able to care for him here at home for as long as possible. Hopefully we both will have a long life.
I don’t know what to anticipate down the road. I’m more frightened about his health. The “transitional” time between now and death scares me. I love this cranky, difficult to please, man who doesn’t know how to be vulnerable and is lithe to give up an ounce of control. That’s a challenge to live with.
Continue to pray for wisdom and share with me😘
You think he has "secreted his money by joint ownership with his children, it will appear that he only has retirement to pay for care." If the government gets involved, believe me, there will be no financial secrets!
If husband refuses to see a lawyer, go alone. You deserve information about what will happen if he needs a higher level of care and you need help planning for that contingency.
Others will give you better legal/financial advice, but here's the thing: if he's got annuities and cash-value life inurance, it doesn't matter who the beneficiary is. Those funds will be needed/used to pay for his care.
Whoever has POA will be responsible for arranging payment for his care out of his assets.
It's really too bad that his kids haven't listened to you.
It doesn't sound like Medicaid is going to be involved- is that what you mean when you asked if the government would make you sell your house?
The problem is that if he goes into a care center, you won't have the funds to run the house. You'll probably want to downsize.
Half the funds will need to be used to fund his care. You use what's yours to buy something efficient and affordable.
If Medicaid did become a factor, your home would be a protected asset until your death.
Do you have a pension or other retirement savings?
Update. We have appointment with DH PCP in two weeks. Because DH has always refused to have me in the consultation I think I’ll go alone and just join the meeting. Doctor understands so I’ll be fine!
DH and I share same HMO and we each ha e the other listed for release of medical information .
Bitty questions for this wise and experienced group.
1. Our house is in both our names as we equally did the down payment, rolling over the sale of my house in Mass. I brought my financial estate (no debts) and by and large these assets are in my name alone.
If DH needs memory care will I be responsible for his costs? As he has secreted his money by joint ownership with his children, it will appear that he only has retirement to pay for care. Will the memory care place make me responsible for sums beyond his pension ?
2. He has over $1million in anuities and life insurance with kids being beneficiaries after his death. Can they be held responsible for his costs? Hell they have far more than we do !
3. If it takes his pension to pay memory care costs, there is no way I can continue I’m oit home on my pitiful SS check. How do people handle the costs of living for two people? Would the govt make me sell my house?
Thanks so much and I know I need legal advice but I’m still hoping you have some suggestions.
Hugs to all!
There are any number of issues since it is a second marriage; there are his children, and he has assets that precede your marriage. I say it's lawyer time. Despite your difference in age, it is entirely possible that you may not be able to care for him at some point. With his name alone on all finances, does that mean there are no community assets? YIKES. Time to see an attorney. This is dicey.
If nothing else, YOU need a will, an advance directive and a poa.
This son is also a mental wreck. He is schizophrenic. paranoid and has gambling problems. Keeps to AA meetings faithfully. Thank goodness! He is zero help in any way and actually causes unnecessary stress.
WOw, you have a lot of family drama...I'm sorry for that.
I had to practically drag my DH to an attorney's office to sign our will. I did all the paperwork prior to the mtgs with the attorney, as DH wouldn't have been the least bit able to know where to find all the salient info. He kind of just sat there and listened and then signed when the time came. I felt awful, like I had forced him into doing something he was opposed to--when in fact, he later told me he was grateful I pushed him. I think it's just he does not want to think he'll ever get "old" yet he's 66 now, which not young, nor is it old. We had to put some things down on paper--legally. He was just flying by the seat of his pants, letting me take over all the "stuff" and assuming he'll die first and no problem, I'll just get everything--well, it's not that simple!
As you have a "blended" family--you do have some different dynamics. If DH's dementia is so bad you cannot reason with him or he has been dxed with to the point he's not considered "competent" you have to do this on your own.
If he doesn't plan ahead, it will be a HUGE nightmare. Sounds like he has some kids with issues--and they may rear their heads and make a mighty nightmare for you.
Even with longevity in your DNA, stuff happens. You must be prepared for it. You are considerably younger than he---and will likely outlive him by many years. It's best to have him make the decisions NOW and let it go than to refuse to do anything and leave a mess behind for you.
I'm not proud of this, but I made the apt with the attorney and told my DH to work his time around these. He groused and complained--but in the end, we have the basics done. He won't do a single other thing to plan., but now I know what I can do to ad to the will and he can look at it or not.
Probably you need to have DH evaluated and decide if he is competent to make legal decisions now. If so, jump on it and get him to make something drawn up that is legal. Esp since he has kids...
At the LEAST, you make your will. It's not uncommon for couples to have separate wills.
I wish you the best-- you are going to need to be patient and a little pushy. (I'm neither!)
DH had 4 children when their mother died, 1 daughter ,3 sons. I didn’t have any children.
His youngest son was developmentally disabled, had seizures often, lived with us and died in his sleep @ age 35.
Then there is one son that’s also a concern as he got into drugs after college and ended up killing his ex wife because she wouldn’t take him back and support him. After prison he came to live here.
Other 2 kids are mentally, physically, financially very well off. They live far away and come for holiday visits. Those two have 9 children.
Believe me, I have tried and tried to engage them in conversations regarding the future but they simply ignore me.
I love them and realize they have their lives and grandchildren to focus on.
We both have longevity in our DNA. I see no reason we both won’t live to 100.
This I do know for sure, I could not take care of this house and large yard alone. As DH has a government retirement pension there is no way we’d ever qualify for any discounted programs.
So back to my real concerns...DH and dementia and no plans for the future. Also, DH has paranoia, I swear. He has kept all financial matters very private. I have my own funds which I brought to the marriage.
Sent a message to my PCP to ask for referral to DH’s PCP to discuss the health issues and prognoses.
I can cope with a lot of stuff if I can feel like I have a grip on what to expect.
Thanks so much for any help.
Here on island, when you haven't come to the clinic in months, they have us fill out this one page form that gives them permission to release any information to the authorized person. For years, I automatically checked No. I never realized that this was the HIPAA form. Did your husband fill out a similar form?
Is there a way to calmly and neutrally discuss the Will and other emergency documents? Don't let on that you know of his diagnosis. Say that it's time for both of you to think of this....
I did a little search here. Maybe if you read some of the other posters experiences, you might gain some ideas?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/get-spouse-tested-for-dementia-when-he-is-not-willing-189997.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/taking-care-of-spouse-with-alzheimers-161326.htm?orderBy=recent
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-to-tell-banks-spouse-has-dementia-177842.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/dementia-spouse-wont-go-to-dr-unless-I-lie-177451.htm
Is " his" doctor aware of the fact that you know the diagnosis?
I might try writing a brief note, with bullit points of your concerns to HIS doctor.
Explain that you are concerned that this might be dementia and that in order to be prepared to care for him, and in order to arrange both of your financial affairs advantageously, you are going to need to be able to discuss his disgnosis, prognosis and treatment plan going forward.
In other words, make the doctor aware of the fact that your husband isn't letting you in on the dx, and that you will have no ability to be an effective caregiver without information and access.
Does he have children from a previous marriage?