I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
And .. so it may be that home is where you have to go .. and with in home care around the clock.
He then pushing back on that ... aware he'd need help but more of the 9 to 5 realm. And my pushing back on that one .. "yea well I guess you don't intend to get up and xfer for any reason from a bed to a chair . or vice versa or to a toilet .. between the hours of 5 PM to 9 AM the next AM right?".
Him admitting that could be problematic yes ...
Him weepy and sad somewhat .. about many things .. no clear path forward in his situation ... and ... I guess coming to terms with whatever path forward . none of it looks real inviting. But not only that, . sadness . deep sadness on his part, as to his wife and her plight .. him having talked to her, . she has royally fouled up some bills (she just doesn't have it upstairs to stay on these things) .. her having mentioned something or other (her dementia at work there) about when he was home yesterday (he hasn't been home in months). Him then working to convince her, . "no dear, I haven't been home . I wasn't home yesterday . I haven't been home in months .. I'm in a hospital" and her then asking "how did you get here yesterday when you were here?", him . more of the same . trying to convince her he wasn't there yesterday or the day before or the month before .. has been confined to hospitals and rehabs.
His sadness and dismay that .. at least from where he sits . her daughter has all but abandoned her mother .. and left her for lonely. That stepmom . .spends every day of her life lonely . and for a diversion sits on the front porch all alone of their oh so quiet suburban neighborhood . to I guess maybe catch a glimpse of an occasional bird that lands on a tree limb, because there certainly isn't much else to see on the front porch of their home.
No, she isn't engaged with any church women's group or senior center . not gonna be her cup of tea to do so. But dad . teary/and somewhat weepy about her plight.
DH and I both, over our coffee this AM .. tears .. brief tears from both of us at the sadness that seems to envelope in every direction in our worlds. Between my dad who hangs in some limbo state of not realizing that probably his life .. needs to direct to a LTC facility and what happens with his wife and her memory issues . is not going to be pretty either . but him in some limbo state there . not yet ready to grasp that .. his own mom . and her EOL issues that seemingly are endless, .. SIL's husband and the health maladies there now facing them . and of course the completely unexpected death of a wholly viable 60 yo man from our church ..
Just complete and utter sadness .. in every direction.
SIL now crying ... that she'd talked to her mom briefly and her mom just basically . the long and short of it . saying to SIL that she is ready to go . can't fight anymore, too weak/too tired, . doesn't want to do it, eating . the meds, all of it .. that she hopes that we can all understand that she just is ready to go ...
SIL of course imparting to her mom that certainly we all understand that and that she's been brave and courageous and so strong to fight for so long . and that we all have such wonderful memories .. and we'll all hang onto those .. and that if she feels like she's ready to go to Heaven and see her mom and dad and her sisters and her husband ... she should do that .. we'll all be okay. Said her mom then asked if she could hang up now, . tired/sleepy.
SIL then calling me back in tears herself . at their conversation.
The nurse had urged SIL (I don't know that this will prove helpful) . the nurse had encouraged SIL to reach out to the director for the site where MIL resides and express to him . that their mom is in decline . .no those vital signs aren't at that all important marker of deteriorating (not yet) .. but . they would like to (not SIL .. she can't fly here .. Covid . her husband's health issues) .. but DH .. grand daughters . any or all . would sure like to visit with her before she slips away into a state of being that she doesn't even know that anyone is there, or is gone altogether.
I'm not real sure that new nurse is in the know .. and maybe gave SIL false hope there . .but SIL was intent to do that today . reach out to the director to see, . since the mom is in decline at this point and refusing meds/eating .. would it be in any way possible to allow a visitor(s).
We'll see what's said about it, I suppose. All I know is the mantra all along has been ... "we do allow EOL visits .. in the event the vital signs are deteriorating".
SIL .. teary .. on the phone with me, .. "it wasn't supposed to be like this . that she'd have to face this without any loved ones with her .. dam Covid ... it wasn't supposed to be how she died ... without her loved ones".
I felt so sad for SIL. There alone, her husband in ICU ... and of course, his situation kinda hanging in the balance (he is fine, lucid as normal as he always is .. other than balance, left leg issues .. and so being monitored as to that minor bleed).
I did call SIL's daughter .. and ask that she check in with her weeping mom . that her mom has a load right now, she agreed to do so.
And on the other front . a phone call from my dad yesterday . also somewhat weepy himself ... sounds like the doc was in . .and there was .. oh .. minor mention of discharge for him . perhaps in a week or so . and him .. really pretty much dreading .. and sees the perils there, .. "going home". Wants to ... continue in a facility if possible, to continue to work to get stronger.
Remember with him and his case . somewhat that PT has been hampered by his lower extremity wounds that have mandated that load bearing be limited as to PT . and so that has impeded much progress towards better mobility .... and .. so he's not all that ambulatory.
My response to him: "Dad I'll put in a call tomorrow to the PT guy to see what the read is on your progress or lackthereof and his thoughts .. but also to the wound care nurse, to see if they can now *stage* those wounds .. see what's said. Last time I talked to her, there really wasn't any progress .. it hadn't gotten worse, but not better either, and all the ALF's I've talked to won't take anyone with *unstageable* wounds .. your wounds have to be at least a stage 1 or 2 .. and they aren't stageable, or that was my information .. last time it was discussed. Perhaps there's been improvement in those wounds for the doc to be talking of discharge, I don't really know. But .. ALF's won't take you if wound care an issue ..
A guy (couple) from our church, dropped dead unexpectedly the other day. 60 yo, wife found him deceased in the bathroom of their home, when she returned from having lunch out with some g'friends. Nothing wrong with the guy, nothing that was known. So, .. I guess an autopsy will reveal more, who knows, massive heart attack, .. just don't know. But just heartbreaking. So unexpected.
And as DH and myself both noted .. and then there's his mom .. who wants that cloud to come for her, . and her life ... as she once knew it to be, . .long since in the rear view mirror .. so far back there it can't even be seen anymore, no QOL left anymore. And yet this completely viable 60 yo man .. with every reason for life in front of he and his wife .. and their one precious, adored, little g'daughter ... his life snuffed out, too soon.
I know one can make themself crazy pondering the absence of any reason for such things. Why does an 8 yo child die at the hands of some brutal murderer and yet an elderly with no QOL left, lingers painfully .. to a shred of a heartbeat left.
There are no reasons .. I know that. But sure does create some sadness.
The situation with MIL ... yet turning some again, I guess we'll see.
SIL had her .. requisite .. as she does every other day .. facetime appt set up . and the facility called SIL yesterday to cancel it .. saying that MIL wasn't up to it, didn't want to do it. MIL also declining her meds.
At the same time, SIL .. also .. escorting her husband to the ER at doc orders. That mini stroke he had a few years back .. symptom a left leg that was weak and not cooperative .. appearing again. Balance issues, left leg .. problematic again. Doc visit, and sent from there to ER .. for CT of brain to rule out stroke. There it was found that he does have a minor bleed in his brain . and so kept .. and in ICU ... so they can monitor that bleed. She can't see him (Covid).
SIL had put in a few phone calls to her mom (to no avail, . her mom not answering the phone .. which isn't new ... it's more the norm these days that her mom doesn't answer when you ring her room).
SIL then put in a call to ask the nurse to call her, .. just wanting to check .. has anything changed with her mom ... that she'd refuse facetime appt, refuse meds, etc.
The nurse at the facility where MIL is .. did call back, and while l was on the phone with SIL, her bringing me up to speed as to her husband and his ICU stay and such . .and what's going on with that situation. SIL talking to me on her home phone, her cell phone rang, it was the nurse at the site where MIL resides .. and her return phone call to SIL.
Basically the nurse imparting to SIL that MIL is in fact lucid .. but is so tired .. just tired of it all, .. can't go on. The foods (pureed) trying to eat, .. the meds, .. all of it .. just doesn't want to go on.
New nurse. Not one SIL has had any prior communication with.
Was said that her vitals are fine (germaine because . it's been said that visits are prohibited, .. due to Covid, . unless/until .. deterioration of vitals and EOL visit allowed).
Nurse then imparting to SIL (I could hear all this dialogue .. as it was on speaker phone) .. the nurse then imparting to SIL she'd been in MIL's room within moments earlier to change her dressing (pressure sore on MIL's bottom) . and that MIL is awake .. and she offered, since SIL expressed she'd been unable to talk to her mom for two days now . her mom not answering the phone, .. declining a face time visit ... the nurse offering to go into the room, if SIL would care to ring her mom . and the nurse would pick up the phone as it rings and hand it to her mom.
SIL hung up from me to do that ...
But SIL called me back . moments later .. like it couldn't of been more than 3 or 4 mins . she'd talked to her mom in that brief time
I'm glad your MIL is doing so well. It is a long windy road to the cloud, that's for sure. When mthr had hospice services, what it really meant was that if she were to have an issue where 911 could revive her, she would be, broken ribs and all. Many of the staff at nursing homes reflexively call 911 when someone is down, but with hospice they know they should not - there's no investigation if that person dies, unlike a non-hospice person. We also enjoyed the services of the supervising nurse who made sure mthr's arthritis pain was controlled. It took mthr 8+ years to go from where your MIL started this thread 3 years ago to where she is now. Your MIL is truly blessed to decline so much faster than some, even if your husband bemoans the fact. Remind him that she is pleasantly taking her plane trips, not moaning in pain with cancer. God is merciful to her.
Your dad - his situation is different. I hope he will accept hospice at some point. I'm glad you are staying out of it as much as you are. Don't get dragged down - you have been a fantastic, generous daughter!
Covid-proof (((hugs))) to you, Dorker!
He called yesterday ... asking me to get him a belt .. pants so loose now. Down to 139 lbs (on what was a 6'2" frame). Amazon to the rescue, belt arrival here, . and I'll cart it to the facility and hand it off at the door, where I'll be stopped from entering.
Call yesterday from wound nurse, to advise they are putting him back on Doxycycline (sp?) ... for his toe wound. That one ... a year or more ago .. he fought vehemently .. infection in the bone ultimately . and they had to go in and take a piece of bone out . and it took f.o.r.e.v.e.r. for it to heal .. (vascular issues in his lower extremities) .. and .. that specific wound has resurfaced and .. none of his wounds are quick to heal, but this one .. really problematic.
I have to wonder, .. at what point does the MD (who I don't talk to, has never called me, nor have I requested to speak to him) ... at what point does he make the call .. or strongly worded suggestion .. to my dad ... "don't think it's gonna be possible you go home, ever, not in your best interest". When is that coming? Is it coming? Should be, IMO.
And on another note .. if anyone is troubled by all the brick and mortar stores disappearing .. I'm here to attest to one of the reasons why (among many).
Took 6 yo g'daughter shopping this AM for a new dress for her upcoming bday. Stores these days! I realize .. covid and all that, .. they are limiting staff on hand . not a whole lot out shopping . but not only that, .. dressing rooms are cordoned off. Can't go into a dressing room to try on clothes. Sheesh! And this ole gal ... has gotten old enough that all that shopping .. I looked forward to being able to "sit down" in the dressing room.
There's no where to "sit down" in stores anymore. They don't want folks lingering and spreading Covid germs I suppose.
Much easier ... as if it wasn't before Covid hit .. sit on my own sofa at home and let my fingers do the shopping via online.
Shopping at brick and mortar stores anymore, not a wholly pleasant experience.
It was good to see you post after a fairly lengthy break.
Sounds like both MIL and your dad are doing the slow slide into senescence. It's hard. My mom is doing that too, but she's still 'home' and just getting more batty as time goes on. I have not seen her in almost 3 months and have no plans to go up there in the near future.
Sounds like you don't have to do anything to help dad--he's slowly just disappearing, isn't he? Those scrapes and cuts which seem so simple are really nasty and the wound care for them is time consuming and kind of gross. And they do not ever really heal. My FIL was covered in them. He'd just bump the wall and the skin would just slide off him. Then there'd be blood everywhere and I'd go over and have to find the new source. He just...disappeared. I feel that is what your dad is doing too. Dad never got one bit better after the final dx by the oncologist that his cancer was finally, completely untreatable.
And MIL--well, she sounds calm and that's a blessing. It will not take a long time for the fluffy clouds to come get her, and I think the hallucinations sound kind of pleasant.
Hope you are taking care of YOU and the family. You still have a lot on your plate and I hope it gets easier and calmer.
He had reported it to the staff there . who . as he put it .. (this was several hours later into all this since I couldn't reach a soul there to even know any of this) .... as he put it, 'yea they'd dutifully come and look at it, and address that it needs attn . promise to return to do so and then not do so .. I'd been trying to get you to see if you could shake loose some action since obviously my attempts to do so weren't working).
That point also got my ire. In that ... it was several hours before I was even aware of any of this, unable to reach him or any other human there on site ... so not only had the wound not been attended to (and we know about him wounds on his lower extremities present as problematic due to his vascular issues . do we really want to let a wound set up with infection by not attending ot it promptly . .really ..???....).. but not only that .. there are to report so much as a blemish . and had failed to do so.
As I told the director who finally called me offering some resolution to this impossibility of reaching a human there .. "I don't wish to be adversarial with you folks, but this kind of thing is a reportable offense ... the fact you guys failed to report an injury as well as failed to attend to it, I want to know what you can tell me to satisfy me that it's being rectified ..".
So all of that to say . my dad . at present remains in that SNF .. and some impediment in working towards more mobility in his wounds .. and PT somewhat restricted ... some good days . some bad ... and . the path forward for him still unclear.
no one called me back . left another message .. attempting again to reach a human . no one called me back .. I kept trying throughout the afternoon . attempts to call my dad's room . .met with "the party you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time" .. and attempts to reach a human at the site . met with a recording for me to leave a message.
It took hours and hours .. for me to finally reach a human . and once I did .. I did complain and was told .. basically "if staff are attending to patients .. you may encounter that" ..
Yea, I'm aware . but it shouldn't take HOURS and HOURS.
And then it happened again a few days later .... this time my dad had called me, I missed his call. Tried to call him back .. and this was at about 1 PM .. and I got that dreaded .. "the party you are trying to reach is unavailable .." ... and so attempting now to reach a human . and to no avail.
As I said before this has been somewhat sporadic throughout his tenure there . but now . we are on the 2nd occurrence of this kinda operation there within days of each other . and so . my attempt to reach him was at 1 PM .. and I tried all thru the afternoon and into the evening .. and his phone that same dreaded recording . and attempts to reach a human there on site .. all thru the afternoon and into dark thirty at night .. same thing . recordings .. no human.
I was livid ... absolutely incensed livid.
He is in .. one of the very best that is available as to sites . and so why they can't staff appropriately I do not understand . but in any event, it's not acceptable .. and I did let them have it.
I had already previously spoken with the director for that specific site .. about my complaints and her explanation ... like rote memory .. "if staff are with patients you may not reach them . but leave a message and someone will call back as soon as they can" . no longer sufficing for me. I was hot .. pizzed .. to say the least.
What I did do .. my attempt was going to be to find out who is the boss of this director that runs the site . and I was going to contact that boss ... and with my complaints.
I have a friend that works for the corporate of the umbrella of all these sites .. not her capacity to mind these sites in her job description . but nonetheless . maybe she could tell me who to call .. to get some attn to this matter.
I reached out to her, . and she didn't provide me with anyone's name . as contact . but she did . as we spoke .. fire off an email to the woman that operates as director for this site as well as the woman's boss ... (not telling me how to reach this woman's boss however) . and as well as looping into the email her own boss . who is the boss of that boss .. way on up the chain . .and looped me into the email also.
She detailed in the email she sent .. the points of my complaint and asked that someone reach out to me to offer resolution.
That did bring about some changes.
I was called by the director for this site (the same one with her rote responses ... of "if staff are attending to patients...").. she called me and gave me 3 other phone numbers to try ... and extensions .. and offered up that they'd assign their community coordinator to go into dad's room daily to check the phone . and whether is has been slung onto the floor . or turned down or off . and remedy that, daily ..
Thus far, I've only tried reaching out to him one time since then . and the call went thru without incident. The community coordinator has called me daily to let me know that she's in the room there, and the phone is in working order, .. and there hasn't been cause yet for me to reach out to try to get a human there on site .. to know whether we're still at square one.
But that was so so frustating.
And it turned out the reason he'd called me to begin with .. here it was some 7 hours later I'd been unable to reach him or any human there ...
He had cut his leg earlier in the day (paper thin skin)
In DH's role as an Elder in our church he has sat bedside with many who are elderly and dying .. (various reasons) ... and .. so his experience with that ... has not been, not with those who he has visited in his capacity at church . this slow progression of deterioration . it's been .. oh I dunno .. someone dx'd with some ailment that landed them in the hospital ... maybe they were already in some poor health .. (elderly) .. and that ailment .. takes them out ... or .. maybe the person suffering from cancer that is not going to go away and so . the person .. yes . ultimately taken by that issue .. but not this slow slow progression into . nothing really imminently terminal in his mom . but nevertheless .. a slow slide into further deterioration . and it's acutely heartbreaking to him.
So that's how it goes on the MIL front.
As to my dad .. he's had a rough few days . nothing in particular wrong . but as it goes with the elderly there will be good days (and those are relative) . and there will be bad days. He's had some bad days .. .the past few days . no appetite . feeling under the weather ... some .. (not typical of him) feeling sorry for himself and his poor plight . that life as he knew it at one point, is in the rearview mirror and getting further and further from his line of sight . and never to return .. and .. no clear path to what lies ahead .. and wallowing in that some (not like him to fall into pits of despair). He has .. throughout all of this . had a keen awareness that .. there will be good days/bad days .. and tomorrow is another day. That continues ... but is getting to be, at least with him and his present state ... getting to be more of an issue .. just .. finding himself more .. (not to any degree I think he needs an anti depressant) . .finding himself more lost in .. "woe with me" than is typical for him.
Those wounds on his feet .. ever so s.l.o.w. to heal. And that's gonna be the case, due to his vascular issues he doesn't wish to address/fix. Those impeding any progress to improve ambulating.
On another note with regard to his situation . I did have to rattle the cage there where he resides at present.
As is the case with a lot of these older folks .. I don't know what it is they do with their phones . they manage to turn em off somehow . unknowingly . drop em on the floor . where they can't retrieve them . turn the volume down unknowingly . who the h377 knows what they do with their phones ..
But more times than I can count . I call there and he doesn't answer ... And I don't call but maybe every few days ... but 9 times out of 10 .. attempt to call him I get 3 or 4 rings and then ar recording (the party you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time).
That has been pervasive ... and yes I've tried to dial in on "DAD .. wth are you doing with your phone".
Might as well go try to make sense with my 3 yo twin g'children as to phones .. you get about as far ..
He has been at this place now for a few months I think . several several weeks in any event.
And so .. if I can't get him .. and usually I cannot ... I do the only other thing one can do .. call the staff.
That too has been sporadic as to being a problem at times . unable to reach a human on the phone there .. sporadic . at best. Sometimes a human answers .. said human will offer to go check his phone and/or answer that he is out of the room in PT at present .. or whatever. But other times . you can't get a human on the phone . and I have 3 different numbers to try, to reach a human ..
But that . throughout his stay there has been sporadic at best .. as to any ability to reach a human .. until this past week when it .. it had gotten to the point I couldn't talk to a soul there ... always getting a recording ... "No one is available to take your call, please leave a message and someone will return your call later".
This happened on one particular day and I did leave a message and no
that her brain takes her to a place that isn't somehow disturbing to her .. her off and flying on planes everywhere for destinations unknown to her .. or not even cared about ... she's okay with it .. and try to take comfort in the fact, she is still lucid enough she knows who you are when you call . that may change one day .. likely it will if she continues living ... try to find the silver lining in it, if you can".
To SIL responding ... "Oh I don't know that she's free of pain .. she has some pain . that arthritis ... "
Me: "you know what I mean . it could all be so much worse .. I'm sure the arthritis does cause her some discomfort . but not like people who are end stage cancer and the only relief is the morphine that may or may not cut the pain .. that's what I mean ... she isn't wracked with a contorted body .. from some horrible disease or cancer that is wreaking havoc ... she is .. all in all, .. relatively comfortable, that's what I'm saying . try to find in it all, where there is light .. "
SIGH
SIL reports in daily (she talks to her mom every day w/out fail) .. DH not so. He may talk to his mom once a week . and that is . sometimes via SKYPE but usually no . usually just a phone call.
SIL reports in daily. It's almost like a news feed .. reporting in on what her finding was in that day's attempt at talking to her mom . be it that her mom was out of it and unable to talk, or her mom was on a plane and off and flying somewhere .. or whatever ...
To me .. it feels like . .an attempt on her part, to make sure that those of us on this end, here locally, don't' rise above the sadness that casts as a pall in it all. Make sure to reach out daily w/the sadness the prevails in all this and bring that sadness to the forefront. That's how it kinda feels to me .. as not the offspring to this person.
But I do try to remember .. SIL is all the way up in IL ... and close to her mom . and this is hard for her ... she can't travel here ... what would be the point, she can't get in to see her mom ... and . she has no one to talk to/vent to, .. her husband and his disabilities. I've described him before many times . sweet to a fault . the man is a saint that walks the earth . always has been .. but the disabilities, the meds he takes for his Bipolar . render him pretty much a piece of furniture . he isn't gonna be real conversational about all this . and so I try to remember . she has no one to talk to . and so .. she's just reaching out . venting . needs a sounding board .. and try not to let it cast that pall of sadness here on this end.
The fact that DH has always been one to ignore her multiple texts (has always been his pattern) . it works better nowadays .. otherwise . he'd read what she writes in these texts and I don't know, I guess go jump off the highest bridge in his own despondency of the sadness off it all. He doesn't even read what she writes in these texts probably 90% of the time.
While it used to incense me that he'd ignore her texts back in the day when it was the next whirligig that was needed or whatever her spinning top dictated as to all things MIL . and him ignoring it all. Nowadays it works for the best that his pattern has always been and continues to this day, ignore .. ignore .. .ignore.
All in all, . that whole situation with MIL and the saga that is ongoing . if the topic comes up here in our hemisphere . it does cast a sadness .. thru out our existence. DH giving voice to pondering why his mom can't just be plucked up . by that cloud and .. released from the torment of this life .. why .. .why oh why?, .. the sadness that he laments her last days on this side .. spent in that God forsaken facility . sadness that her saga plays out as it does . rather than some other more rapid dispatch to the other side, that she'd have to endure this slow progression of steady deteriorating.
If it comes up here .. it does .. cast that sadness here in our realm.
of the EOL and MIL .. if I've heard it once in recent several past weeks thru this present decline ... I've heard it a 1000x's ..
SIL: "I just feel so bad for her that she can't have any visitors ... she was with her mom, her sister, .. her dad . her husband .. when they were dying and we can't give her that, .. it breaks my heart"
DH: "I just wish we could bring her here to die .. so she could be with people who love her"
I agree it's tragic and sad . particularly for someone who helped her LO's thru EOL transitions and was bedside for them . that she can't have that herself in her LO's there for her. I agree.
My only input there .... I guess were it a transition thru EOL .. as was experienced thru what occurred with her mom and her dad .. both became ill/hospitalized .. and within days ... gone .. in the hospital setting .. as was the case with one of her sisters she accompanied thru that transition. Her husband .. failing to recover in a hospital setting, brought home ... hospice engaged, hospital bed .. DH, his brother (now estranged and has been for years) .. and DH's sister all .. her in town .. and on site, to attend to it all.
Maybe had her journey been somewhat similar to above . that might've been possible. Maybe had Covid not prevented visitors where she is ... we'd of been able to be bedside there ... maybe had her transition and journey thru all this been one that found her hospitalized and slipping away .. and family able to go .. bedside ..
That hasn't been her journey for whatever the reasons.
Bears mentioning .. where she does reside in the LTC site .. they do allow EOL visits by family. If they see the person is slipping away via vital signs that are deteriorating (not occurring with MIL at present) .. they do allow a visitor to come. So whose to say .. perhaps when her time does wind down, .. if those vital signs are seen to be slipping perhaps DH can go .. and be with her ...
Also aware sometimes people slip away . and those vital signs that dropped .. no one aware that was occurring . and then the person is just gone. Aware of that.
Interesting to note .. the other day in talking with DH .. it really truly torments he and his sister both .. this decline in their mom's state of being .. and how sad/tragic it is she has to endure this .. it truly does break their hearts both of them.
As DH said the other day in passing . on this subject .. "I wonder sometimes is this her penance for how cruel she was about B (SIL's husband and his disabilities). She's now bedridden and completely at the mercy of staff .. no family can even come there to visit her ... and it's her penance .. for how cruel she was about SIL's husband and his disabilities".
Interesting .. I hadn't thought of that.
SIL .. talking .. she talks to her mom every day ... (some of those days are Facetime). Those occurrences can be .. productive . finding in her mom, lucidity enough they can at least travel down memory lane (something her mom likes to do) as to her years growing up in one stop light town in the depression era .. and so forth .. sometimes those visits find dialogue between SIL and her mom . that her mom is on a plane and flying all over ... her mom gives voice to .. seems to her .. that she's looking for where she's doing to live now . going to find her home, since she no longer has a home ... sometimes those visits find in her mom . that she's so out of it .. sleepy (sleeps mostly these days) .. that talking to her is impossible.
SIL talking about how heartbreaking it is . the decline and deterioration ongoing ..
As I said to SIL: "I know it's of little solace, but try to find some comfort in the fact she isn't wracked with pain .. and anguish .. she's relatively comfortable ... she isn't tormented ... she isn't curled up in a contorted frame from some ALS or Parkinson's .. she isn't wracked with the pain of cancer ... try to find some comfort in the fact that her
The only residual effect .. it's improving albeit very slowly, no sense of taste or smell. That .. is intermittent. At times, now, finally, she can sense .. a sweetness to what she's eating, or salty .. but other times . none. Seems to come and go. Maybe those senses are awakening slowly, who knows. A lot not known about this stupid virus.
As to MIL and that saga. She is . and remains in and out of being lucid ... more lucid than not anymore, w/the exception she spends a lot of her days now ... "flying around on airplanes" (hallucinating). I don't know that she knows where these planes are taking her, or cares really ... and I don't think she is finding it all that alarming ... it's just how her days seem to go anymore, .. hallucinating that she's on airplanes all day .. and flying all over the place.
No there haven't been any med change that might've brought on hallucinations.
SIL has engaged hospice to the whole regiment. The goal there had been ... to maybe open the door to moving MIL to a hospice facility .. ergo .. visitors allowed. As things stand at present and have for months .. MIL not allowed visitors in the LTC .. due to Covid. I think it was SIL's hope that if MIL could be moved to a Hospice facility, visitors would be allowed. Not sure what the rules are as to visiting and in a hospice setting . not engaged in it all to be in the know. That was the "goal" .. along with .. perhaps getting their involvement at this end stage of life for their mom.
Didn't really work out that way. MIL isn't suffering from some terminal illness that is imminently going to have the cloud appear for her. Thus, .. not really a candidate for a hospice setting, not yet anyway.
I guess the determination by the powers that be in it all, . a hospice nurse will visit the site where MIL resides (in LTC) .. and who knows, .. maybe weigh in on . the pureed foods that MIL barely eats now (having to be fed, bedridden) .. maybe weigh in on some of the meds. Though honestly, the only real life saving med she takes is Eliquis .. and removing that .. that could cause her to have a massive stroke that leaves sher in worse shape than she already is but still alive, . so that one .. is dicey to remove.
Because of Covid, Hospice can't throw their whole army onto the scene. Only the Hospice nurse is allowed in to visit . not the SW .. not the CM .. etc.
And MIL not a candidate (not yet) for moving to a hospice site. Was explained to SIL that Hospice site is really for folks who are suffering from situations that are otherwise unmanageable in another setting .. pain management for one thing. MIL isn't in any acute pain per se.
But probably a good thing anyway to open the door to Hospice involvement in it all, in the end. I don't know how long the Covid restrictions prohibit visits . and if . in the end . there will be the availability to move her to a hospice setting . where she an then get visitors (if allowed there in that site, not sure on that one) .. and/or maybe Hospice engages w/her care there where she is and more of their team allowed in once Covid restrictions lift some .. who knows.
She is still lucid enough she knows who she is talking to .. doesn't hesitate to talk about the planes she's been on all day (and this isn't disturbing to her). And as the Hospice folks shared with SIL .. for some folks this is just a symptom of transition ... she's unsettled .. and it's just her mind transitioning to another stage of decline .. if it's not unsettling to her, then we don't need to concern ourselves with it, and it isn't.
As to the sad saga of the
I finally finished reading this entire thread and am now caught up and current! (Just in time to deal with a sudden, steep decline in my mother’s general condition...)
I am so glad YD's case has been mild. She must have passed the dreaded Day 10 when things can go downhill ages back by now. Sigh of relief!
One of my workmates has recovered easily - was told to re-test 10 days post Pos result if all symptoms gone. Was Neg & all good. But another is still suffering chills & fever & nowhere near ready to re-test. Was from same exposure source too.
I suppose YD may feel safer getting back to work? (Wouldn't lifelong immunity be great? I believe it's currently thought about 3 months).
Do stick around and read all the varied posts, you'll find it enormously helpful.
I found your thread by chance several months ago and started reading it from the beginning. I have about 30 pages remaining to be caught up (on pg 345, currently shows 374 pages). Occasionally I would skip to “newest first” to make sure you were still posting and that everyone was still doing OK overall, because I’ve really been cheering for you in my reading! I noticed the last week or so that nothing had been posted since July 26 and my concern grew each day that date remained static. I even created my own account, in case my “guest” status was limiting visibility! Y’all are worth it - I was so relieved to see you had posted just a few hours ago!
Having said all that, I just wanted to tell you and the loyal members of your cheering squad a BIG THANK YOU for sharing your experiences here! It has helped me deal with my sweet mom (95 w/mild dementia, in an elder care facility) and encouraged and affirmed me when I second-guessed how I cared for both my parents when they lived with us for a short time. Please know that you all are helping way more than you know! I’m sure there are many more than just me who don’t speak up but who are cheering you on across the interwebs! ;)
Praying safety, health and peace over each of you and your families throughout these trying times. I am amazed at what each of you has been through and overcome. You are all truly inspirational! (I think we would make a great Band of Sisters!) All the Best, everyone!
I know in some areas of the country .. socially distanced, outside visits (face masked) .. are allowable. But that presumes the resident can sit up .. I would suppose. MIL cannot. So .. not sure what might come of that, here in our situation.
That's about all as to any update with it all, at this time.
And just as an aside for those that remember the blow by blow thru the years with all this. What would've happened .. with the yellow bedroom and MIL had we moved her in here, yet YD lives here and has an active/positive case of Covid?
Things happen the way they do for good reason.
YD had to retest as to the Covid in anticipation of going back to work, and results were still positive. Still, no symptoms other than loss of taste/smell, which hasn't resumed normalcy.
DH and myself have tested .. and awaiting results again, prior ... it was negative. No symptoms for either of us.
As to my dad, no changes there. Still in SNF rehabbing. The sores/wounds, . an impediment to much action of going forward in any path. Would like to go to ALF .. but those wounds, ... a barrier to entry to respite stay at ALF. The powers that be have ordered, no load bearing .. (food wounds) .. and so that is having an impact on what he can do as to PT .. they do range of motion and some weights, bicycle, .. but not much walking. And he NEEDS to be walking .. but he also NEEDS those wounds to heal better than they are doing.
They've put him on some kind of nutritional supplement (he does eat good) .. but I guess the thinking there, something to do with his fragile skin .. and I guess .. skin and wounds improve with better nutrition (?). I don't know. But no path forward as of right now. Remains in limbo.
Surprisingly, stepmom .. all this time, left alone in the home (sans when her daughter does come periodically) has done relatively okay. Somehow she is managing okay from all I hear. She can't do tasks such as .. dad was asking me to dial in on, if I can .. his LTC policy ... if I could call Insurance Company . and get the name of his agent (he couldn't remember agent's name) .. and from there, .. call the agent to get a copy of the policy. I asked him .. "why don't you ask stepmom to go dig it up .. or if you want, .. I can stop over there, if you know where it is .. but you know that'll send her into a tizzy, my being there rifling thru paperwork .. but maybe she could dig it up". His response .. so indicatie of her capabilities or lack thereof .. "oh she'd not be able to find it, and likely there'd be a whole bunch of hogwash asking me why I want it, .. and then argument about whether it's needed .. and, all for her to forget in the end". He's right. I did get ahold of his agent, who .. via his verbal okay, sent me an emailed copy of his policy, and so I was able to review some of that w/him. Also with stepmom . some hullabaloo about a doc office that called there with some appt in question . . her all in a tizzy over that.
Something that is so simple for those of us with a brain firing on all cylinders, . you ask what doctor office are you, what appt does this pertain to, . and when/what time. I guess that process is out of her wheelhouse.
So for the most part, she mananages. But it sounds like, .. finite detail such as above, is kinda out of her realm.
As to MIL that whole story. It sounds as though (I'm kind of out of the loop as I exited the scene for the most part, so what I know of it all, is what I hear in passing) .. sounds as though it's a slow steady decline and deterioration. She is . and has been . on pureed foods .. and being fed (chokes). And is only eating about 25% of what is given to her. Is given supplement (Ensure) .. puddings, ice cream .. that too . only partially eaten.
Bed bound. They did try to get her up and into a chair the other day .. her request. She fell over, slumped .. and had to be helped back into bed. Too weak now to even sit up. She seems to vacillate between .. pretty weak and sometimes not all that lucid . to other times, pretty weak (that's a constant) .. and lucidity not as bad.
Our governor has convened a task force to study if/how there might be a way to safely allow NH's to have visitors. Will be interested to hear what the results of that study turn out to be. I can't imagine that it can be done safely in any means whatsoever, as to allowing visitors in .. to the most vulnerable population.
Bleach disinfectant spray at the ready at every corner around here.
She is still, only mild symptoms .. the most aggravating one for her interestingly enough is the loss of taste/smell. Other than that, it's just some mild congestion and a slight cough . and fatigue . no other symptoms.
Haven't heard any word on when my dad would be discharged and to where ... but no .. a Covid dx in our midst .. we .. cannot be anywhere around him. At present .. can't be around him anyway .. the site where he is, does not allow visitors .. and so .. haven't been around him for a couple of weeks or more .. when he was sent to the ER and I did get in there ... but .. that was a few weeks ago. Since then .. he was sent back to the site where he presently is rehabbing and they don't allow visitors.
The protocol I was given . when I went to test for Covid .. (doc instructions due to daughter having tested positive, don't have my results yet . but I have no symptoms at all) .. the protocol was that those who live with someone dx'd with Covid should stay home if possible .. if not .. stay 6' from others . and masked .. and wash hands frequently . .and so that's the approach DH and myself have taken . as to any quarantine for he and myself.
I have gone to the grocery store, masked up .. and the gas station .. but other than that, . have stayed home.
Hoping it stays mild (and probably will!) and you and DH can isolate and now have a 'good' excuse to keep away from dad and all associated issues.
We had a grandbaby exposed to COVID--not on the cross country drive but here at home. A rotten 48 hrs waiting for the test results. Negative, wonderful. But those 2 days were anxiety ridden.
My thoughts are with you 🙏🏻.
Keep an eye on that daughter of yours, I know you will.
Be Safe. Be Well.
Lizzy
This certainly means no possible involvement for you in moving Dad. Make sure CM knows about this.