I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Removing myself from it, . .and feeling better about it daily.
MIL is so ... I wish you could be a fly on the wall, she is ABSOLUTELY not about joining in and being a part of any ALF. If she cared at all about socialization, she'd be a part of any number of local senior programs. She doesn't.
Not sure how it's different, but somehow in her mind it is. She is all about the "socialization" of walking around a grocery store, bugging every living breathing being that is just trying to grab their groceries and get on with their day, or Walgreens or H Depot, or the pet supply store, or a doctor office. In those settings she can't shut up.
But suggest that she resume the church women's group that used to come to her home bi-weekly, as a means of socialization .. or go to them, at their respective homes (used to be done on a rotating basis .. each other's homes). OMG .. you've just asked her to move a refrigerator. No, she is just not interested in that.
Ask her to go and join, even go with her, to help ease that transition, to a local senior center where there are games/activities/socialization/meals served etc. Might as well go stick your head in fire. It's not going to happen.
What's the difference? Obviously it's one and the same, in that she will take any opportunity she can get to engage someone in conversation. She seems to want to chat up any person that will talk with her, in every other setting, but the above ... no way/no how, not happening!
I don't get it, don't understand it, doesn't compute with me. But I haven't walked in her shoes. I'm not 87 yo and in failing health. Maybe there are valid reasons for all I know. But I just keep repeating, "not my circus, not my monkeys". I can't fix it, .. and I'm done trying to be all things to the situation, and that is a relief. A big one.
I truly think she would, .. as she refers to jokingly, "Step out into the path of a big huge truck" if she thought that was her fate, .. to be assigned to live in an ALF somewhere. Don't get it. I just don't.
As to my daughter. I haven't ever been pregnant with twins to know what she's weathering. But, from what I observe, it is no picnic! She is 35 weeks as of tomorrow .. and she is scheduled for a c-section on 7/10. No one thinks she will make it that far.
She is......... m-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e .......... absolutely horribly, miserable. Her hip joint now clicks in pain when she walks, . her back hurts all the time. She can't get comfortable to sleep for long .. therefore, not adequately rested. I feel bad for her, obviously.
She was working, until about maybe a month ago, when docs advised that she no longer work, until after postpartum period.
Most days I have either both of them here, to assist her and her 4 yo daughter, and/or I have the 4 yo g'daughter and she stays home, to do whatever she can manage to do on that front, or nothing at all. I have offered numerous times (and that day will come) if you'd like me to stay there and do your laundry or clean for you, . is there anything I can do on your home front, to ease your burden. Thus far, she hasn't allowed for that. Her feeling "you do enough just helping me with errands and taking the 4 yo off my hands".
I am the g'mother to the 4 yo g'daughter and she refers to me as the "adventures" Nanna. We go on a lot of adventures. Be that a picnic at a park, .. a hike, the water park, the zoo, the children's museum, the local library and their children's program weekly, just any number of places we go, on "adventures". The 4 yo does have another set of g'parents that are here local and they too spend time with her, but they both work and so are unavailable on weekdays. I so thoroughly enjoy her, through and through. When my own kids were small, we did some of the above, but it was more difficult with them all being different ages/interests and at that point, I was "mommy" and "mommy" had other responsibilities. I am so blessed to be able to enjoy this time in her life and I do thank God, all the time, that I can do so.
I struggle some with the guilt that I have .. now having backed up from MIL's situation, .. "how can you be out having fun and enjoying this precious little girl when you know that MIL could likely use your company and/or chores/errands, etc.". That is a struggle for me at times. I do keep reminding myself .. a lot ... she won't be little forever. The day will come that spending time with "Nanna" will be about the last place on the planet she'll want to be. So, that realization keeps me engaged, that day is coming, faster than one thinks. I find that I have to remind myself, often, .. too often, as regards the guilt felt .. MIL has options also .. options that don't include my having to step and fetch to the degree I was having to do. Her refusal to accept those options .. is not going to then make me miss this valuable time with a daughter who very much needs me, hands-on and a precious g'daughter and soon enough, some beautiful little brand new grand-babies.
Obviously I am so very excited for the new twin babies to come. And more than anything else, so completely intimidated by that whole concept. I can do all day long with 1 baby ... I know what to do with 1 baby. Been there/done that. 2 at one time however?!?!??!?! Color me intimidated.
Am I getting rest, in anticipation of the twins? Not really. See above. A lot of days I am exhausted by the end of the day, between helping my daughter .. so she doesn't have to get up and around much (errands for her, etc) .. and taking on the care of the 4 yo, .. I am beat, to the core. But somewhere in all that exhaustion is the realization these days are gone too soon, and so I relish them, I really really do.
So we await those precious bundles of joy (a boy and a girl) and in the meantime, I try to do what I can to help and will continue doing that.
And I will muddle through this stepping off the hamster wheel, . with a "fake it til ya make it" approach.
Her repetative Language ( I know what, etc., also points in that direction)
Sounds like BIL has schizophrenia. Bipolar meds don't usually have the effect you are describing.
Sounds like there are lots of secrets in this family. Secrets lead to anxiety.
Glad you are stepping away from your previous role!
He is diabetic and that too, SIL polices like white on rice, another factor that causes MIL to burst an aorta. MIL watching SIL as she questions her husband, "No, you can't have another orange, you've already had 3 ... what about your diabetes .. and no ... you already had a half a snickers bar today". (he generally asks her, as a kid would do). The whole thing makes MIL nutso. MIL's words on it: "He's a grown d*mn man, .. he doesn't know what he can and can't put in his mouth, why does he ask her, like a child??!!?!?............and her with the policing him and what he eats ............. hell, he's a grown man .. if he wants to put all that crap in his mouth, then I guess he can go into a diabetic coma ... she policing everything he eats".
It all drives MIL bonkers!
I have no idea if there is a secret dx that she doesn't share with anyone.
Sounds like she has developed dementia of some sort.
Why am I even on that front. Well you'll see, as to the first one.
Hubby's 60th bday is this weekend. I asked him what does he want to do this weekend for Father's Day and his bday. His wish is to stay home and grill out. That's his preference as to how to spend his 60th bday and Father's Day. Okay you got it.
He is a wonderful grill cooker. His bque chicken is the best any of us have ever had, including restaurants.
We had a big cookout planned back when SIL was in town ... (the family always clamors for his bque chicken). But as luck would have it, of course, after I'd gone and bought all the food to feed this mass of humanity. Daughter (the one who is pregnant) got a stomach virus .. and then her sister also caught it (neither live here). But ... SIL and all of her neurosis (and maybe accurately so) didn't want to risk that MIL be exposed to whatever germ/bug may be traveling through our midst here and so the whole thing got scrapped, as to their attendance here. This was a few weeks back before SIL left to return to her home 1K miles away.
Fast forward to now. H's bday in the wings here .. and his wish that he stay home and grill out for the day, enjoy the pool, watch his race in his screen room on tv .. that's his idea of a good day.
MIL asked me when we took her out to lunch last week, did we have anything planned for his bday and Father's Day. I told her of the above plans.
Her words were: "I want to be sure and be a part of whatever you guys are doing, . it's not every day my baby turns 60 . how can that even be possible, he is the baby of the family and he's turning 60 .. if that's what you guys do, I want to be sure and be a part of it".
I told her (what we always tell her when there is a family gathering) .. "absolutely, and we'll be sure that one of us comes to get you and brings you home .. we'll let you know as the day draws closer as to what time".
Fine and good.
Except that .. she hasn't been here for a family gathering in I don't know when. We generally have moved it to her home ...
The usual answer from MIL's corner, anytime she is invited, is "I just am not up to it, I'm going to need to not be a part of that".
UNLESS ... we move it to her home .. which we've done A LOT OF.
This time however, I haven't even requested that of H ....
I know what his wishes are for the day, .. to be home and enjoy his pool, and grilling and in his screen room (man cave) outside and watching the race on TV. If we were to move the festivities to her home .. he'd have to drag his smoker there .. (he slow smokes the chicken) and he'd have to spend more time there ... and she only has a gas grill (cooks grilled foods far too fast for his taste). He'd have to not be here .. at home, where he wants to be .. he'd have to be changing the entire course of what he wants to do for his day. And so I haven't even asked.
Refer to earlier posts here from me, MIL and her insistence that "she knows what she needs to do and she will do it, she will manage".
So fast forward to now. H indicates he ck'd in with his mom today at lunch (something he tries to do daily .. but doesn't always succeed .. sometimes he's busy, sometimes he forgets). When he ck'd in with her today .. at lunch time .. he reminded her of the events this Sunday .. that we're to have the entire family here .. and that he will be grilling his chicken.
Now in the b'ground of all this, behind the scenes .. I had expressed to H earlier in the week my concern about having his mother here. The last time she was here .. it was because of a bad storm in the area .. and her area where she lives was evacuated. We'd gone to get her and her dog and brought her here. She struggled with toileting here. We have normal height toilets. We don't have grab bars here .. we don't have any apparatus as to helping with that, have no need to do so .. remember MIL always declines invites here.
What we did end up doing at that time, .. we sat a dining room chair in the hall bathroom and she used that to brace off of .. to get up and down off the commode. In her home, at her house . she has grab bars installed, and on one of her toilets she has an apparatus affixed to the floor .. complete with grab bars. We don't have such here, haven't had a need, she never comes here.
I had expressed to H earlier in the week that I'm concerned about his mother coming here as she struggles with toileting. Our hall bath where we previously sat a dining room chair for her to brace off of, to get up and down .. it is presently under construction and there is no toilet in that bathroom at all, there's nothing in there ..
We have a master bathroom, but it's far too small to sit anything in the way of a dining chair in there .. to brace off. We have a garage bathroom, but it is up two stairs .. (no railing there) and down two stairs to get in and out of. There's no way in God's green earth she could get up and down those stairs without assistance. Not a chance in hell. And our master bathroom, the only other functional toilet .. there is nowhere in there to sit a dining chair for her to brace off of.
I had expressed this concern to H earlier in the week, ...
As I did so, my son in law was here, and he mentioned that at his stepfather's dad's household (the stepfather's dad, 92 yo) has recently been placed in a Rehab facility and before that Hospice, .. so .. he's not coming back home .. it will be Rehab or Hospice for that old fella. But .. in a box, never used, in that household, sits an unused bedside potty .. the kind that one would affix a bucket to it, for those who truly cannot ambulate to a functional toilet. There is no bucket affixed to this one .. but that the whole apparatus fits down over a standard toilet, complete with a toilet seat and there are grab bars on it .. that maybe that would work for our situation. We asked hit to ck with the powers that be on his end .. in his family, to see if we could buy that . or maybe borrow it .. and he did so.
It took a few days and a reminder or two, but we do have that here now, at the ready .. for MIL to visit for H's bday celebration ..
H called his mom today to ck on her for his typical noon phone call (when he remembers to do so, when he has the time to do so, he doesn't always). He reminded her, when he spoke with her about the festivities this weekend .. and that we'd come get her. Her words were:
"I just don't know that I'm up to it, I may not be able to come".
His response, he reports: "Mom .. we will come get you .. you can just sit at our house .. just like you do at home .. we fix your plate for you .. you don't even have to get up to do that".
She said: "I know, and I appreciate it, I just don't know that I"m up to it".
H said he didn't argue the point any further, it kinda miffed him. His words to me, "She can get in the car and go to the grocery and amble all around, but she can't come here and sit on her ass for my bday ... ".
Yep, miffs me too.
I don't know why it miffs me, .. it's one less person to deal with here .. and a needy on at that. But it does. This person who is so staunch in their "I know what I need to do here to manage, and I will do it, I will be fine".
It miffs me.
But then that's not the end of it.
So then tonight .. I get a text from SIL, it dings and it dings and it dings, .. turns out about 4 pages worth.
H already in bed sleeping at this point. She is reporting and asking:
"I hate to ask this of either of you, but I'm worried about mother ... she says that her left ankle is swollen, more so than normal .. and the Lasix .. she says she's been taking it, but it isn't getting better it's getting worse .. and it looks to her, red and inflammed and she says it kinda hurts to walk on it, .. she says that she's not even sure that maybe there's a problem in the bottom of her foot, but of course, she can't see the bottom of her foot .. can't get her foot to where she can see it ... I hate to ask but do you or my brother have time to go out there tomorrow to ck on her".
I answered that with: "I have loads to do tomorrow to get ready for the bday/Father's Day celebration and H has plans for men's b'fast at church and then his prayer/bible study til noon, but I will let him know ... I can't do it, but I'll tell him, he is asleep right now, I'll tell him in the morning".
SIL's words back, (before she even got the text I responded with) "Can you ask that he got first thing in the morning, I am wondering if maybe he needs to see about getting her to that outpatient ER .. maybe they need to look at it, I'm beginning to wonder if all that vein work we had done, something has gone wrong .. I'm really concerned about it, I didn't even know any of this until I talked to her for our bedtime ck in a few mins ago, ... she doesn't sound good, sounds so defeated .. she'd gotten some pork chops and decided to cook them . why I don't know . she's not really able to do that, . and sounds like it didn't go well, and she threw them in the trash .. she sounds so down and out and defeated .. and I'm worried about her foot".
This was the text she sent before she even got the one I'd sent explaining that his morning is already spoken for.
She then sent back another text, now having read that one where I'd indicated that he is spoken for, for the most part, in the morning.
Her response then was: "Oh dear, .. well I hate to waylay him off of that .. does he keep his phone on him .. can I reach him after I talk to mother in the morning .. will I be able to reach him to divert him if need be, from all that at his church .. ".
I answered, "Not usually no.. he doesn't turn his phone on ....
She said, "I don't know why she doesn't tell you guys this stuff, I'm 1K miles away . what the hell am I gonna do, except relay it to you guys and she could just as easily do the same .. but she's gonna kill me for getting you guys involved, but I feel worried and feel like I have to, can you ask that he please leave his phone on, and I will only call him if I need him to divert and go in that direction".
I responded, "yes, I'll tell him".
She said again, "I don't know .. I'm hoping it's nothing serious ... she seems very alarmed herself over it".
I responded (I couldn't help it) "Oh but she knows what she needs to do and she'll manage", right?
SIL answered with: I know, right.
That was that.
I'm just miffed.
I know in all this there will be four steps forward and 3 steps back .. and just because I back away doesn't in any way shape or form mean that suddenly MIL does indeed take the ball and run with it. That's my beef all along in all of this ... she can't, .. isn't able ... not consistently. And I'm the one running with the torch with it all.
So yes, .. success in that this is being diverted to H to handle .. hooray .. yes indeed.
But just miffed.
Where in all of this is the "I can manage, I know what I need to do and I'll do it".
It ain't there!
The bday celebration ...
She never comes to our home anymore these days when there are family gatherings .. she always beggs off, saying she just isn't up to it. Seems the only way she can partake of the whole thing is if we move it to her house, which we've done countless times, usually at my initiating it .. to accommodate her difficulties. I haven't offered to do so this time.
She knows what she needs to do and she'll do it, right?!?!?
I am just miffed here this evening.
She can take a cab to urgent care. She's Independent.
Look, I get the feeling that MIL is the "I don't want to be a burden" type. In some ways, they are worse than folks who are endlessly demanding, because they really DO need help and won't ask for it in time.
You informed all that you are no longer available. DH is going to have to deal with her in the meantime.
It's his call what to do.
I think, on some level, .. it's one of those situations, no one is going to change what they are doing and do it differently until it "costs" them ... once THEY begin to feel the confusion and chaos of it all, ... maybe THEN ... maybe some action will be spurred in all this.
Before now, it would've been me heading out to MIL's to assess the situation and a possible trip to the outpatient ER .. and instructions, rx's .. etc etc etc.
DH is there now, forgoing his morning church plans in favor of going to ck on his mother. I don't know the verdict, don't need to know it. I haven't cleaned my house in a week, . nor gone to the grocery for my household .. been busy with a very pregnant daughter and taking her g'daughter off of her hands.
As I reminded SIL this morning, her wanting to know if I had told H about this latest dilemma. I did tell him, first thing ..and he cancelled his church plans and went in the direction of his mom's .. to ck on that situation and I informed SIL of this. She lamenting that her mom didn't take that Lasix ... and that she hopes it's just a matter of that is maybe gotten inflamed ... doesn't know ... blood clot ..??... who knows, that it may need medical attention at this point. And her lamenting that her mom didn't get that Lasix going, because she had to get to the grocery, etc etc etc.
Again I said the words, .. probably that she considers me being a smart a** (and I am) "But she will manage, remember?".
I reminded SIL the grocery store delivers .... there is a service for delivery of groceries and it has been suggested previously, countless times. BUT MIL's refusal to allow outsiders ... and her staunch stance of "I will do this, I will manage" ... but she doesn't, can't. And that at a time when her 1st concern should be getting that Lasix going .. she was failing to do so .. because she needed to get to the grocery store, and here we have the availability to get groceries delivered and she refuses.
SIL said .. "She says that walking around the grocery is good for her, but it isn't when she has an acute health situation she needs to be dealing with".
I said in response, "she always refuses the ability to do that because she says she wants to go herself ... in case she sees something that interests her ... or if she sees something she forgot to put on her list. She can still go ... if she is able, but part of "I will manage" is managing the situation with the health issues, and she fails to do that, . and fails to allow outsiders .. that's why I get so put out with all this. And yes walking is good for her, but a lot safer in that particular scenario that she do so maybe in her driveway with her walker, and Lasix on board to address the increasing edema ... and she isn't too far from the potty doing that .. so she can address her health issues .. and have her groceries brought to her .. but no .... she can manage".
Maybe just maybe ... one can hope ... now that H is having to step up .. and be the one to go address these things .. and the stepper fetcher has backed out of it and not seen to the grocery need, not seen to the extra walker need, not seen to the driving to the doc appt that SIL is worried about her getting to, as to the traffic load in that area of town .. not seeing about the myriad of other things that MIL is now left to "I can manage here", .. maybe just maybe once the steppin and fetchin is put where it needs to be on her son ... maybe things can begin to turn in a better direction.
Shouldn't even let myself hope for that. It's near impossible.
You don't need to do anything. Just let hubs deal with it.
Call Momma-Drama the evening before and tell her you have a potty adaptation that suits her needs, and what time should one of you pick her up tomorrow? If she accepts, game on.
If she declines, tell her someone will call tomorrow a.m. to make sure she hasn't changed her mind. If she declines on Sunday morning, that's her final answer.
No wheedling. No cajoling. No negotiating. It's a yes-no question. It's not the college debate team.
And s-i-l from afar has NO say in it. She can text, call, triangulate and stir the pot all she wants. Anything beyond "happy birthday" will be declined -- on your end.
For just one day, s-i-l can stick her OCD and her Lasix speculation and her guilt trips where the sun don't shine.
If Momma-Drama recuses herself, hubby (alone!) can visit her in the evening with a plate of his famous chicken and a slice of bithday cake. Or not, if he's exhausted.
He'll still be 60 on Monday, if that's a better day for him to give Momma-Drama his undivided attention.
On Sunday, have fun with the people in your life who are capable of having fun. 🍗🎂🎁
Everyone can go back to their (literal and figurative) jobs on Monday.
The story from H's visit this morning to his mother.
Indeed, swelling .. a tinge of pink ... not red/inflamed. She can't put on a shoe, due to the swelling in that foot, presently.
Gee, wonder if the Lasix the other day .. getting ahead of that might've helped. She's been advised to take it daily, .. not on an "as need" basis, which is what she opts to do. And then finds, she can't take it because "life" gets in the way.
She was found to be teary/weapy by H. Because ... as he describes it ... she can feel herself going downhill .. rapidly .. she hates it, just hates it. That, and ... she has a sister that lives several states away (the only remaining sibling, had two other sisters but they are both deceased). The sister that lives several states away .. she hasn't seen in years, neither able to travel (sister is 91). Sister in very poor and failing health and her husband, even worse health .. and they have a son, in his late 50's ... lives with them. He probably should've been dx'd long ago .. I would suspect he is somewhere in the autism spectrum .. but his known dx is some pretty severe Crohns disease, debilitated him . .long long ago. He lives with them, but is useless, .. having been coddled all his life .. and their health failing .. and them afraid to go on and die, not knowing what will become of their son. The whole situation saddens MIL greatly and she feels so helpless as to being not being able to do anything to help, at all.
She was found to be weapy and teary-eyed .. her issues, as well as her sisters'.
Sounds like SIL called there, .. not having heard from her brother as to what the findings were. Sounds as though SIL on speaker as this was all being bandied about, the whole "what to do about the swollen ankle/foot". H not opposed, at all, to taking her, to the ER for medical attention. MIL vehemently opposed to same .. digging in her heels. SIL on the phone from her home, 1K miles away. SIL asking if she should call the doc that did the recent vein work on MIL's legs .. maybe they should at least be consulted. MIL putting down the law that no, .. she doesn't want to consult the doctor, he will simply advise she go to an ER and she isn't interested in doing that.
Sounds like MIL left the room at some point, and SIL told H where to find the phone # for said doc, .. H gave SIL the phone #, and she called anyway. Vein doc says they are only 3 weeks out from the vein procedures and some swelling is to be expected .. that no, he didn't feel as though she needed to be seen.
This seemed to alleviate SIL's anguish over it all. That, and the fact that her brother had now laid eyes upon the situation.
SIL began mentioning MIL's Tuesday upcoming cardio appointment and that she can't wear a shoe .. will have to wear a slipper or sock .. and her worry now .. that MIL can't drive to get there .. (read ... cajoling/hinting/prompting) for H to pick up the reigns .. short of out and out asking, "Brother dear will you please take off work and make sure she gets to and fro the doc appt in one piece, since she can't put a shoe on that swollen foot". She might as well have asked, . that's the whole point she was making, from the sounds of it.
MIL in the room at this point, SIL on speaker .. and MIL insistent .. "D*MNIT I can drive myself, leave him alone, let him work .. I will be fine!".
This after H having had convo with his mom that she doesn't intend to try to attend his bday party tomorrow, .. "she just isn't able".
Then you happen upon the convo where SIL is imploring/hinting .. that MIL may need someone to drive her (gee, who would be that someone ..???) to the cardio appt on Tuesday and the vein doc on Thursday (I think it was Thursday for that one). Then .. MIL demonstratively declaring out loud that she can do this.
Sounds like H, who is taking exception with his mother's refusal to attend his bday party .. when all she has to do is sit .. she will literally be picked up and driven here, and driven home .. and sit while here. But still she "isn't able to". Sounds as though H took exception with his mother, and stopped short of argument "Mother .. you sit here and tell me you aren't up to it, to attending tomorrow's festivities at my house .. even tho we will come get you!, but then you want to talk out of the other side of your mouth that YOU CAN DO THIS as to driving yourself to the doctor, which is it .. are you able or aren't you".
MIL pulled out the card "at this point in my life, I have to pick and choose what I can and can't do .. when I say I can't do something .. I truly cannot do it".
H let it drop, didn't argue the point further, and says he doesn't intend to do so.
This has been going on for far too d*mn long. She missed our youngest daughter's high school graduation party 5 years ago, because she "wasn't able". She missed the rehearsal dinner for another daughter (the one who is pregnant presently) .. that was 8 years ago ... because she "wasn't able to". She missed our g'daughter's 1st bday party .. because she "wasn't able to".
Seems she is fine .. as long as the party will come to her, .. and no .. she isn't one that seems to get unnerved with all the hoopla of a crowd around. She, in fact, seems to enjoy it. But she can't go and do .. even when someone will pick her up and drive her .. she "isn't able to".
Oh but ... "she will manage, she knows what she needs to do to take care of herself, and she will manage". Uhm .. oookay! Then manage, d*mnit.
I know that sounds cruel .. but that's about where I am with it all.
I know it sounds like this is a woman who sits and conjures up, .... *gee what can I claim next as to the poor poor pitiful me saga*. She really isn't. In fact, this is another thing I've heard her say 1000 x's ......
"I don't want all this ... I am not about all these health problems ... this is not what I am about ... I want to resume my life .. there is so much I want to do and I can't do it ... this is not me .. ".
Psychological failure to accept that she is aged/frail, maybe? I don't know.
Maybe the reason she won't "engage" with other seniors, .. she sees herself in the mirror maybe? I don't know. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
She was not taken for medical evaluation .. it was left with what the vein doc advised via phone (not having seen the situation). H left .. after fixing her some b'fast and cleaning up the dishes. He has come home, and mowed the lawn and cleaned the pool and relaxed some .. and is now off to run some errands.
MIL .. I guess, that is buttoned up, for now.
I don't know if anyone will call her any further as to the festivities tomorrow here .. I won't be calling her. She knows she is welcome, that was stated last week when we were together to take her to lunch. She knows that any number of us can and will come get her .. and drive her home. If that doesn't suffice .. then stay home.
And yes, if H feels like it, he can bring her a plate or designate some other family member to do so. Won't be me.
I am sick of it. Absolutely positively 1000% sick to death of it all.
Good job!
Unloaded on SIL this afternoon.
If ever there was a time that I do indeed have a lot on my plate (preparing for tomorrow's party) and could've said without even stretching the truth .. "Gee sorry, can't talk", today is it. Tired/frustrated, probably didn't sleep good last night, fearing the worst with MIL, .. as in a possible blood clot, who knows.
H is frustrated that his mom is taking this approach .. angry is too strong a term .. he's as "angry" as one gets at an elderly frail mother, where for the most part, his emotion in that direction is one of pity. Frustrated, yes ... perturbed . yes .. angry .. too strong a term.
His feeling, "She can go trapse all around and meander through a grocery store, for two hours .. she can't come this way for a few hours and enjoy her family?".
Got a text from SIL this afternoon. I OBVIOUSLY have not yet mastered the, "oh gee, busy ... gotta run". Or the other suggestion, "Keep me posted" . which is a definite inference I won't be engaged here to do anything, but feigns that I'm interested. I OBVIOUSLY need practice on those as responses.
She said in her text that she'd talked to her mom this afternoon and she did seem to be doing a better, spirits wise .... seems depressed though .. just .... the struggle with the realization that her problems and her lack of mobility so impede her existence.
THIS IS JUST DAWNING ON YOU?!??!?!
I am so NOT ABLE TO BE OBJECTIVE AND EMPATHETIC ANY LONGER.
That she asked her mom if she was going to try to come to our house tomorrow, and her mother answered that no, it's just too exhausting to do. That she feels as though she's the only old person there (my mother will be here, she is 78 .. but thankfully spry as can be, and her b'friend, same age .. also spry, can't hear .. at all ... but he is just as fit as a fiddle).
Makes me feel like some kind of mean monster that I feel no sympathy here. Her mother imparted to her that she feels like the old decrepit person here and that she is just so pitiful that she needs help to get up from a seated position . that she needs help to navigate her way to the bathroom, that she needs help to navigate her way to the table for dinner. (She doesn't need this help at home, .. she uses a cane .. and yes it is a struggle, a mighty struggle for her to get up from a seated position ... even at home).
I have no ability at this point to even sympathize with the above. And that makes me feel like some kind of horrible monster.
Where is my ability to empathize? It's gone, completely. It doesn't exist.
SIL imparting to me that her mother just doesn't feel comfortable, even around family (that hasn't stopped her from requesting . in the past .. that we all come that way, to her home) ... that she is so decrepit and has to have help with just about every task.
Oh but she will manage .. she knows what she needs to do and she will manage.
The words I've heard 1000's of times.
SIL talking that she'd reminded her mom that on Tuesday's appt .. I guess she tried to let her call the neighbor .. asking her mother "Can I please call the neighbor, I'm sure she'll be happy to get you there". Nope, not doing it. Won't allow it. She will do it herself.
SIL .. relaying to me that she reminded her mother .. "When you go to that appt at the cardio doc on Tuesday .. go across the way there to your primary care doc .. and get some of that good probiotic .. and see if they'll give you a B12 shot"
SIL said her mother responded, "It's going to be all I can do to get to that one appointment if I can even manage that .. with this foot I can't even put in a shoe .. hopefully the swelling reduces by Tuesday ... but going across the way to the primary care doc .. I just don't know if I can manage that".
This then prompted SIL to say to her mother, that she'd be happy to call the neighbor who has offered countless times, to assist. No, MIL forbids her to do that.
SIL relaying all of this to me.
I guess at this point, I'd of been better off, my own well being, to say to her, "Gee really busy, got lots to do, keep me posted". And been done with it. My own well being would've benefited greatly from that as a response.
But did I do that? Nooooo.
I responded to SIL's text with: "I'm finding it very hard these days to empathize with her plight .. she seems to pick and choose when it comes to the "I'm not able" ... she's not able .. oh but she will manage .. and we see "how she manages", not very well. Her whole line about, "I know what I need to do, and I will do it, I will manage", .. makes it real convenient for her to dig in her heels and insist that she won't allow 3rd parties/outsiders to help. But that's precisely what she needs!
SIL responded to that with: "I kinda see what she's saying . she wants to reserve her energy to get to that appointment on Tuesday and she knows she's on her own to do it, so I can kinda see her point in this one".
I responded with: "I am very frustrated and finding it hard not to be angry with her about it all .. she forgets when her father got so aged he could no longer manage .. he was uprooted from his life (2 hours south of here where he lived) .. and brought here, and then jockeyed back and forth between a sister and she. Her failure to realize that she can no longer "manage" puts an unfair worry/burden/stress on us, and it isn't fair.
SIL responded: "I"m going to keep working on her, to try to get her to come here and stay with me for a bit".
I responded: "She won't do it, don't waste your breath. All I can tell you is, it's gonna get real harum skarum around here with her and her well being .. and unfortunately she is putting herself at worse peril with the choices she makes. She takes a nasty fall and breaks a bone, now you can worry about blood clots/strokes, .. and worse .. fatal . if that happens .. or the best case scenario .. she breaks something and is now confined to a Rehab facility for a good long stay .. which she would HATE ... if she'd just allow that folks help .. if she'd just allow that..she'd be at less risk for a fall, and compromising her health. I am resentful, .. I have enough on my plate to worry with at this point, .. and I resent it that she is given this latitude. You have been gone two weeks at this point .. two measly weeks, and it comes unhinged over there .. to this degree".
She said in response: "I know and I'm sorry that I had to even notify you guys .. I wish she'd do so, but she won't .. I feel frustrated with it all too, .. I try not to take it personal that she finds it so offensive that she'd have to come here to stay with me .. but ... I will keep working at it".
At that I did say to her: "Gotta go, got lots to do, wish I could change it, obviously I can't".
And I was gone, .. and that was that.
She texted later with some something about how old her baby brother is .. and that she had thought his bday was tomorrow, but looked at the calendar and found that it's Monday not tomorrow. I never answered it.
It sits, not responded to.
When will I learn .. putting voice to any of this .. does nobody any good .. so just shut up and move along, nothing to see here, as they say.
Just completely frustrated. All of this with the swollen foot/ankle .. so preventable .. if she'd take the Lasix daily as she should, .. she won't. If she'd this, if she'd that .. she won't.
Oh but she will "manage", .. she knows what she needs to do and she will do it".
RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You want to scream from the rooftops "listen to me you idiots"
But you can't. And you won't. You're doing fine. You're on edge because you've got the twins coming and you're pretty sure that there will be a crisis with MIL just when they are born.
Don't worry. You'll just say "no".
From the day my mother fell because of her cellulitis, swollen ankles, beggining sepsis to the day she moved from Independent Living - brief stop in AL - and into a nursing home was 2 1/2 months. From the date of the fall until her death - exactly one year and three days. In general- before the the time of fall - her vitals were better than mine - she basically didn't have anything wrong with her medically and was in good health- other than minor CHF that was easily controlled BY TAKING THE LASIX!!! But there was no dealing with her. Not totally due to the dementia. My mom refused to let anyone "tell me what to do" her entire life. Guess she showed me!
No one was going to be the boss of her!
There are folks who don't want/need our help. We shouldn't feel guilty about staying out of their way, imo.
But the very thought that I would be put in a position .. and I very well may be, .. to have to say "no", .. at a time when MIL has a health crises and me trying to assist my daughter and newborns .. (and invariably that's what will occur).
The very thought that could occur .. and at a time when H may very well also be strung in 40 different directions himself, with work responsibilities. It will land in my corner, without a doubt. The very thoughts that I'd have to be that heartless, to say "no".
For instance yesterday ... that H was able to go and ck on his mom. Fine and good, she's your mom, make it happen. But ... there are times when he is under the gun with a project .. at work .. and/or on the other side of this huge city .. and in between she and he, .. loads of traffic ... and he couldn't get there .. not fast.
The dread .. that I would be the one called upon and that I'd have to be so heartless as to say "Gee, .. I guess call an ambulance, I don't know what to tell you".
I am working hard on my own mindset here with the realization that I didn't break this .. I can't fix it, .. if these are the choices she makes .. then SHE will have to feel the ramifications of those choices. And connecting the dots on it, within my own mindset. That I should find a way to not feel sad and troubled, etc. THIS IS HER CHOICE SHE IS MAKING ....
I do realize that the above is all a bunch of "what if", as H would say about it. "what if, what if", .......... his words on it, "What if .. everything does go okay and if mom needs me, I am available, what if ... what if that happens ... we'll get through this". That's his approach.
All this worry/stress over something I can't change, and .. to a degree he is right, "what if" the "what if" doesn't even happen. All this anguish over nothing.
I should be better able to connect the dots on all this. I weathered something very similar to this several years back with a daughter (not the pregnant one, the oldest one) .. she was dx'd as Bi-Polar as a teen .... (I think the dx should've been Borderline Personality Disorder, but I'm not a medical professional). She was so non-compliant with meds, therapy, etc. Wouldn't do a d*mn thing I said .. she ended up thrown out of this house at the age of 18 .... she was a "threat" to all of us .. threatening to kill us .. if we crossed her, .. yes, police were called here numerous times for her threats that I thought to be very real. The general demeanor of the police was one of "well kids will say things ...". Of course, my fear was, "what if she DOES IT". The police: "Well unfortunately we can't really do anything from just a threat". She told her sister, at one point, that she knew how she would get to us, she'd (her parents) .. she'd kill the baby sister, that'll do it ... So many horrid things she did.
Finally culminating in my throwing her out of the house at the age of 18. She went from that point to live with a friend, who soon figured this is way more than I can deal with, and also threw her out. She went from that to an ALF facility for those who suffer mental issues. There, the help and social programs that are available to one in her predicament .. all at her disposal. She could, if she'd comply, transition from that into independent housing. Of course, she wouldn't comply .. and she was soon thrown out of there also, and then became homeless for a while.
At that time, I had to, for my own sake .. disengage completely, from the situation. I remember telling her to not call me anymore, for anything .. ever. Her dad did step up .. and work to get her into another ALF .. and another and another .. as she'd get thrown out of each and every one, and some pretty horrible/deplorable places, . as no one would accept her and her non-compliance.
It was a horrible time. I remember very clearly the line that delineated that I had to step back. I'd been with the two younger ones in the car going somewhere, .. my life in shambles trying to manage this mentally ill daughter, from afar, as she created yet more drama (never ending drama). I was driving, and coming towards me, on the wrong side of the road, was a garbage truck .. and I actually thought, "I'm not even going to dodge this, .. this'll put an end to it all, . that garbage truck will hit me and I will be a goner .. and all this Sh&t I live will be done .....".
THAT is when I realized, .. I have two younger daughters that need me .. and I have to step back from this.
And I did just that, in a big big way.
That daughter .. she is now early 30's .. and she is medication compliant . has a f/t job .. she goes to therapy .. She is relatively stable (sometimes she goes off the rails, but she has learned .. through the years .. how to recognize in herself .. she and her s/o .. that she isn't doing well, and get the medical attn she needs to correct it).
It was many years though of much turbulence to get to that point. And for the most part, she and I didn't speak for a few years in it all. Her dad still engaged in her life .. but not me.
I have been here before, and it was painful, excruciating .. the worry ... the stress.
So, one would think I could find my way to that juncture again. I guess it takes time .. I don't really know.
You have warned everyone that you are going to be unavailable. They have not made arrangements. They have not said to their mom "we won't hear of you being without backup at this time ". That would have been the sensible thing to do.
You are NOT heartless
You just know, in advance, that you are going to be unavailable. You gave notice. No guilt.
What's so terrible about calling an ambulance, for Pete's sake? EMTs are professionals who come out to evaluate.
Everything is the end of the world to your MIL, isn't it?
I have to think that if I had someone in my life that was such a neurotic Nancy .. and so directing from afar (and on the scene when she is here) .. as to my every ache/pain, etc ... I'd NOT TELL THAT PERSON .................... BECAUSE I know that person's top of their head is going to blow off and they are going to call in the National Guard just because I have a d*mn headache. For crying out loud!
But I'm not 87 yo ............
I have enough sense to not tell someone who is such an alarmist .... and then have them drive me crazy with the whole "Well maybe you need to go to the ER, .. maybe we need to call the doctor, did you take anything, ... why didn't you take something for it, .. what kinda pain is it, on the scale of 1 to 10 .... what color is the discoloration".
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does MIL do this because she is 87 and has lost the ability to discern what she should and shouldn't do/say. Does she do this because it creates this incredible drama that she feeds off of ... all the while b*tching that her daughter has sent up flares in every direction that she wishes her daughter wouldn't do.
I wish I knew. I don't.
Yesterday being the perfect example of the above. SIL calls her mom at night, for the bedtime ck-in. (She calls her in the morning, for a wake up ck in .. and then mid-day .. at times .... for a mid-day ck in .. and then most definitely at night .. for a bedtime ck in .. and in between if anything else comes up).
SIL called her mother for the nightly bedtime ck in. That's when SIL was told by MIL that MIL is worried .. her foot/ankle, the swelling is larger ... even though Lasix is on board .. and it's not getting better .. and that she is worried and that is somewhat painful .. and a that it seems red/inflamed to her.
SIL, 1K miles away gets this news from her mother ...
What is SIL going to do ...??.....being of the makeup she is. Is she going to tell her mom, "Well I don't know .. maybe call your doctor Monday, g'nite .. sleep tight".
NOT A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN H*LL will she handle it that way. And her mom should know that, she's known her all of her life, and more to the point, in these last several years as MIL's conditions deteriorate .. and SIL into and zooming around orbit with worry and wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth. MIL SHOULD KNOW this will be the result, it happens every time.
What does SIL do? She texts me.
10 at nite or whatever time it was. "I hate to ask either of you, I know you guys have more than enough you're dealing with, but would one of you have time to go take a look at mother's foot .................".
And on and on it went.
H up the next morning, given word of the following .. and he cancels his plans for the morning (church commitments) and off he goes .. calls his mother on the way.
The, playout of the whole thing ... MIL really upset with her daughter now that she would call and alarm us .. (we are local to MIL). H on the scene, .. MIL and SIL on speaker phone .. and MIL expressing dismay and regret for having even told her daughter.
THIS IS THE RESULT EVERY TIME ........... why would she think it would be any different.
MIL expressing over and over that she shouldn't of said anything, and somewhat annoyed with her daughter for calling in the troops on the whole thing ...
I just want to look at MIL (and I have, but it doesn't change anything) "then why do you tell her, you know what's going to happen ........... why do you tell her".
In the end .. when all the dust had settled, .. apparently MIL did calm some over the whole "wish I hadn't said a thing" .. and did tell her daughter that she is glad that she did, in the end, .. that H was able to put his eyes on it .. and that the doctor having provided assurance, .. she does feel better about it.
So who is it? Who is it here, in all this that thinks every little hiccup means the end of the world is coming? Is it MIL is it SIL, who the h*ll knows.
I have a question. Take a deep breath and purge your mind of all the "now" before you answer it: What were MIL and SIL like before Big Mama's stroke? Before Lasix Wars? Before godd*mm cellphones were invented?
Granted, the purpose of this forum is to vent about caregiving issues. But for as much as your hubby's key people are constantly up in each other's sh*t (and yours), I hear nothing that indicates that MIL or SIL give a hoot about the life you & hubby have created together.
Sounds -- to me -- like every time SIL or MIL reach out, it's some version of "What can you do for me?" Even Big Mama's insistence that she needs no help is her way of saying "I insist that you disable your brain and common sense and collude with me in my self-neglect. And be the keeper of my secrets." (Been there with my own mother.)
Does MIL ever stop moaning about how much it sucks to be 87 to show any interest in 4-yr-old great-granddaughter and the upcoming twins? Does SIL ever stop wringing her hands and talking in circles long enough to ask how her brother's business is doing?
But back to my original point: What were these 2 like when everyone was younger and life was a little bit sunnier?
Wow, just Wow...
I just had time to read you posts about your SILs background regarding her hubby and your struggles with your daughter. Guessing that your family knows when you turn the struggles over to your hubby that you are done. Although your hubby sounds WAY more laid back than mine. My family knows when my efforts are no longer effective and I have to call in the BIG GUN (my hubby), man of few words, those few words being very blunt, whoever he is dealing with knows their luck has run out and their options a few.
The episode yesterday with the weepy, teary MIL could be a good sign. She admitted to someone that she realizes she is in decline. Could have been a show for her son, poor pitiful me but let's hope it was sincere.
You have done a good thing. You have realized you efforts are ineffective with MIL. The situation is more frustrating than it's worth. Therefore handing over the daily stress of MIL to her children.
But here's the difference.
Having watching my grandparents and parents and in-laws age, I knew (and know) what is coming down the pike. I (and most of my contemporaries) are preparing for our old age not trying to pretend it's not around the corner.
When there was a juncture in my life, I bought a one level apartment, not a house with stairs. I've had grab bars installed in my shower. While my regular doctor is a car ride away, I've got urgent care and a hospital ER in walking distance. My husband, who has an underlying chronic heart problem, is no stranger to 911. And you know what? They NEVER say, oh you shouldn't have called!
I've got a financial plan in place and I've discussed end of life issues with my kids. I have a will, and will update it with financial and healthcare POA this summer.
Unfortinately, your MIL is stuck in some previous decade in which she could drive and manage without help. She can't. Your withdrawing from the situation is ultimately going to make her life safer and less stressful for HER.
Large family, many members of the family, cousins/aunts/uncles/siblings, etc.
There is SIL and of course H. And there is another brother .. lives about six hours away but hasn't spoken to anyone in the entire family for about 8 years. We were told to "consider me dead" .. his words ... when there was a falling out between he and MIL.
MIL to this day doesn't even know what she did wrong .. none of us do. Unhinged? Who knows, the missing brother. He wants nothing to do with the family. When asked (hasn't been approached in years, he is non responsive anytime anyone tries to reach out to him, so that endeavor was abandoned long ago), if you ask him what did she do .. he just says that he is not gonna be her "whipping boy". Whatever that means. No further explanation .. and you ask him, "so why do you have to abandon all of the rest of the family, .. okay .. you dislike your mom .. what'd everyone else do to you?". His summation of that was this: "To have anything to do with any of you is to have involvement in her life and I want nothing else to do with her .. so all of you *consider me dead*. Attempts forward from there to reach out to him .. futile. Not responsive. So there is another sibling out there .. but he is a non-entity .. wants nothing to do with the entire family .. to do so would be *by proxy* I suppose, to involve him in his mother's life .. whom he wants not a d*mn thing to do with.
This particular sibling, .. along with some cousins .. a wild ruckus bunch in the younger years ... drinking too much .. when we'd all get together and having a lot of fun.
SIL ... and myself, as a matter of fact (though I married into this family) .. we were always the "responsible" ones. There's always those in every crowd ... the ones who keep their senses about them, the ones who end up being the designated driver .. that would be SIL .. that would be me also. All through the years.
SIL has always been uber-responsible (as have I, though a peg or five lower than she).
We would vacation together, .. one big huge family .. when all our kids were younger, .. all of us renting a condo on the ocean .. and spending two weeks there .. all cramped in together, but by golly, we could afford it that way.
Was she fun? I suppose .. yes ... but never the cut-loose, let it fly .. have a good time, unwind sort.
MIL ... ??.... she and her siblings also would vacation with all of us (had 3 sisters, at one time, two are now deceased). They would also vacation with us, same condo establishment. They too, the siblings/their spouses .. some would drink too much have a rip roaring good time. MIL .. not so much on the drinking part, nor her husband (now deceased).
One of MIL's favorite things to do in her younger years .. go to the beach, sit in a low chair at the tide coming in and read a book. She did a lot of that when we'd all vacation at the condo. She liked to go for long walks on the beach .. in the evenings ... (not her husband, . he was more into piddling around the yard and house .. and a great fix it guy .. could fix anything).
Those days ... they seem like a lifetime ago.
The cousins, the sibings .. all pretty much the same ages .. and them having kids .. all about the same ages also. It was a lot of fun, .. back in those days ... albeit .. some of us who were "more responsible" with all the partying, some not.
I don't quite understand about the missing brother. None of us really do.
He was, and I suppose he still is, wherever he is .. an absolutely hilarious character .. some would maybe say a "peter pan syndrome" of a fellow. Absolute crack up, always. Always always. So so funny. Some who are maybe more serious minded would maybe find fault in the fact that the guy didn't have a serious bone in his body, couldn't be serious if you paid him to be.
He lived out of town and visited occasionally with his kids (he was a SAHD, his wife a career banking attorney, she didn't come around much). They ultimately divorced .. when their sons were about grown.
I know that when he would come around .. he and the dad, MIL's husband .. H's bio dad ... (they were married for over 50 years) , he and the dad would sit out on the deck and pontificate for hours about the order of the universe and whatever else they pontificated about.
At some point, the dad became ill (botched colonoscopy) .. and it became pretty evident the dad wouldn't make it (health was pretty compromised anyway). The brother was here .. and there were turns being taken sitting bedside vigil at hospital.
I know that it was kinda frowned upon as to leaving him at bedside vigil (and that was fine with him, he didn't want the duty) .. as he was what some consider so immature, cracking jokes all the time. Unable to be serious, ever.
So he busied himself at the homefront while the dad was dying in the hospital. That seemed suitable enough to all involved, including him. He re-did their deck . and a number of other projects to busy himself in those waning days of his dad's demise.
Finally when the dad passed .. of course a Memorial Service planned. And .. family friends as well as relatives came from far and wide. At one point in all of this, the pastor had come to meet with MIL.
Brother, being the clown he is, . .and not being fully engaged (because he's such a clown) .. I guess not realizing the brevity of the situation and who was present .. he beebopped into the room .. where MIL was meeting with the Pastor (brother didn't know who she was talking to, the reverence of this individual).
He was introduced .. and brother responded, being his clown-self .. something along the lines of .. "nice to meet you, can I get you anything to drink .. a bourbon and coke, rum and coke, a qualude .. anything".
Not appropriate. But not a cardinal sin ..
MIL, I think, took exception to this .. later .. in convo with him .. and next thing we knew, he was gone in the morning before daylight. He was here long enough for the Memorial Service, but gone before daylight .. no g'bye .. nothing.
When attempts were made to reach out to him .. he was vile .. absolutely despicable, said horrible hurtful things to his mom. Basically that he wasn't going to be her whipping boy .. her whipping boy has died (reference to his dad) .. and that he wasn't stepping into that role.
He was gone for two years .. no contact. No one could reach out to him.
Then .. as suddenly as he left .. he resumed contact. No attempts were ever made to discuss what the big blow up was about.
I thought that was wrong, that it should've been discussed, . obviously he had a bone to pick with her over something .. get it out in the open. But no one seemed interested in doing so. He was now back on the scene, visiting periodically from out of town.
Then, .. again .. a few years later .. our daughter was marrying (the one who is now pregnant with twins). He didn't like "crowds" .. and I think if he could've had his way he'd of forgone going to be a part of any of that. But I guess he felt pressure to be there, on the scene and there he was, on the scene. He'd bought a new suit (not one for wearing suits .. in fact, . he was one for wearing rags .. an old hippy). He'd forgotten to cut that stitch out of the back flap of the suit .. and SIL I guess had remarked as they walked into the church that he'd not cut that off. He, maybe on edge already .. reached back and very angrily ripped it apart .. letting it be known he wasn't pleased. Then .. later that nite .. the reception .. photographer walking around taking photos of various players in the whole thing ... photog tried to take a pic of our youngest daughter, and him together .. just a snapshot .. the two of them at the table together .. and he put his face into the frame of what the photog was doing .. and made a silly face (he was always silly, never serious, ever) ... he made a goofy/silly face (but that's him .. no one would've minded it, it's who he is) .. and his mother chastised him .. sitting at the same table there at the reception.
Again .. he was gone by morning .. before daylight. Attempts there forward to reach him had been met with "Consider me dead". Ask him why and he repeats the same mantra, not gonna be her whipping boy. Ask him what'd the rest of the family do to you that you have to ostracize everyone else .. and he said .. to have anything to do with any of you is to have her a part of my life and I don't want another d*mn thing to do with her". And that's been the case for 8 years now. Though no one has reached out to him in probably 5 years.
H thinks his mother is very dramatic .. and should win the academy award for the drama she can put on display .. thru the years ... and he also thinks of her as very very vain. Maybe that's in part why this aging thing is such a struggle for her.
We used to think it odd that she would take her g'daughter's left over clothes .. and actually wear them. She would. G'daughter oh about 50 years younger than her, or more .. and would cast off clothes she's no longer interested in, and MIL would war them . clothes that are wholly appropriate and stylish for an older teen .. but not so much for a 60 something, .. 70 something yo.
Vanity. Wanting, always to be young, vibrant, etc.
I can't figure out a lifetime of dynamics with these folks .. I wasn't there. I only came into the scene about 1978 .. as a g'friend .. and then married into the family after that.
I am sure you know it's not over yet. SIL will continue to try to guilt you by text....don't respond. Don't even look!
"Not my circus, not my monkeys"- I LOVE that phrase btw. Keep repeating this when you hear your phone ping with a text.
Don't feel at all guilty. You've been informing all of them (the trio) for months about your plans to assist your daughter at the end of her difficult pregnancy and afterwards when the twins are here. She will need a lot of help coming home after a C Section compounding everything else.
Suggest your MIL take a cab to her doctor. My 85+ MIL used cabs to get to her appts when none of her family were available. She needed to get injections to her eyes to treat Macular degeneration. It's not the end of the world to take a cab She can arrange it days in advance.
She calls with swelling feet, a tinge of red? 911.
Why she had vein work at her age with a history of what sounds like congestive heart failure - easily controlled by the diuretics and directions she has been given - (elevation, compression, low salt) and her meds. She can "manage" if she follows directions.
Her choice not to, of course, but again "not your circus, not your monkeys".
Stand firm. Your daughter needs you. Don't let them suck you back in.
As someone above said, you have got the siblings talking, that's huge. They can figure it out.
Don't let the drama queen MIL prevent you from doing what you have warned them you were going to be doing - the twins, the 4 y/o, their mom, your daughter, needs you more.
SIL needs to get her mom to come visit whether the MIL wants to or not. How selfish of both of them to have ignored you these past few months about your plan to focus on your daughter and granddaughter. It's not your fault they didn't choose to listen and plan accordingly. And my husband too runs his own small business so I know all about his need to work and how difficult it may be to juggle his schedule. But really that's too bad - it's his mother. At least it sounds like your husband has a flex schedule where he can drop all to get to her. A few times doing this and watch how things change as you aren't there to pick up the slack. I too backed out of his family issues. After my mom was ill her last years with many close calls and her finally passing away, emotionally I was finished. Hubs has two siblings, and hoping not to sound cruel here- but she isn't my mother. Dealing with mine was enough.
And yes, SIL calling her mom three times a day is infantile. Really. But that's her behavior and out of your control.
I know you are now worried that she will be hospitalized or some crisis will occur so close to your daughters delivery date. So be it. If MIL is hospitalized she'll be taken care of. Period.
Hope your husband's party went well & everyone had a great time!
Stand firm, you are doing fine!
This is really good to remember! If MIL has a true crisis, she will end up hospitalized, right? And then she will get the care that she needs (care that she isn't getting now, because she is so stubborn). No need for guilt!
She may be unhappy, and her children may be unhappy because she's unhappy, but that is not the priority here, is it? You are not concerned with her maintaining her magical thinking that she's "independent," but rather that her health needs are being met.
The party yesterday was a huge success, H enjoyed it thoroughly, and that was the objective. Father's Day combination Bday .. and loved ones who were able to attend, did so. MIL did not. H did call her early afternoon, to ask if she'd reconsidered, and her answer was that she just isn't able to do it.
She reported to him, when he asked about her ankle/foot .. that it was looking better when she awakened, but by mid morning (her up and about) .. it had begun to swell again.
I don't know what he advised, if anything. I was kinda busy (lol).
By last night, .. (those guilt texts, they just keepa'comin). SIL texted late last night, to ask how her brother's party went and who came. Responded on that .. she expressed that she wished they could be here to attend also. She then went into telling me (what I already knew via H) .. that her mom reports the foot swelling increases when she is up and about .. as she has to be, .. her dog needs out .. her dog needs in .. her dog needs water/food .. she has to get up to do what she needs to do for herself. Just "life".
I responded, "that's what I heard".
She expressed worry prefaced with, "Hopefully she can get to that cardio appt on Tuesday and they can take a look at it".
I responded: "I'm sure they will have some input".
(I am reading .. guilting here ... she would absolutely fall to her knees in gratitude if she heard me say the words, "gee, I'm concerned, maybe we need to put in a call to that vein doc .. and get her seen tomorrow", ............ or .............."yea I know it's going to be a real struggle for her, let me move some things around on my end, .. I'm sure I can accommodate getting her to that cardio doc".
THAT, is what she wants to hear from me.
She did not, and won't. Remember, .. MIL's words .. "I know what I have to do here and I will do it, I will manage".
THIS, is what her "managing" is going to look like, and maybe worse if the status quo continues. It ain't pretty, but it is what it is .. the choice SHE makes as to her own well being.
I am absolutely sure that is what SIL would like, .. that I would step up in all of this .. and alleviate her concern from 1K miles away and take the torch and run with it.
I have .. over the last 14 years ... moved my world around and heaven and earth .. to try to accommodate the situation. A situation that is worsening .. (as it will with elderly/frail folks). And, of course, now that my radar has some other pressing matters, yes indeed .. how selfish of both of them, to not address that accordingly, and now try to "guilt" me into stepping into the fray.
It's not going to happen.
Sometimes it's harder and heartbreaking for me, and does pull at my heart ... but then I get on here and read from those who've walked this path . and the reassurance and cheering section as to what my objective is here, and it steels my resolve to stay the course.
SIL went on to express that she worries ... "have I ever seen this happen before with MIL".
I responded: "No, I haven't .. but again .. she's been advised countless times that Lasix should be on board daily .. not *as needed* as she prefers to do .... and so that may be complicating matters, I'm not really sure".
I went on to say to SIL (critical here, as to my releasing all this .. and her hopefully seeing that in my words) ... "if you guys are real concerned about it, maybe she needs to call that vein doc and see about getting in there tomorrow".
SIL answered, "the doc she sees .. she only works in that specific office on Tuesdays .. and she can't get to that other office, the traffic and road construction in that area is just horrendous it'd be too difficult for her to do that, .. and as you know she already has an appt on Tuesday with the cardio doc, there'd be no way she could make two appointments in one day .. on Tuesday".
GUILTING ............. clear and present ......... GUILTING.
How nice it would be for SIL .. and for MIL ........... if old daughter in law here . would drag along 4 yo (which I do have today) ... and make sure that I go pick up MIL and get her seen .. even if it's at that location that's so horrid to get to, that MIL can't manage it.
Not doing it.
Guilting me .. absolutely for sure.
My answer to the above: "I'm sure they staff with other physicians there that can take a look at the situation .. maybe not the specific physician she is familiar with, but I suppose if she's that concerned about it .. that's maybe what she'd have to do".
SIL then responded, (having gotten nowhere with me): "We'll just stick to the plan that she has to see the cardio doc for her routine appointment on Tuesday and hope she can get there .. and maybe they can provide some input on it all .. that's all we can do right?".
I said, "sounds like it, yes .... I gotta get to bed, tired .. been a long day, good nite".
And with that, I didn't respond to any further texts from her.
There were a few .. she did respond with telling me good nite, and that she is hoping and praying that our daughter's pregnancy continues to progress along without event .. (I didn't see any of it til this morning .. having walked away from the cell phone after having said g'nite).
I'm sure it is worrisome to them both, (it is to me) that this foot swelling thing .. apparently isn't getting better with Lasix on board ... I'm sure it is a valid concern. But so are the millions of other things that crop up .. every other day with the care and concern of an aged/frail mother.
As others have said here, their failure to adequately address that .. isn't then incumbent upon me, any longer, to resolve for them.