My husband and I are seniors and generally healthy, living in our own house now. We haven't made any future plan as for what to do if both of us become incapable of making decisions.
When I saw my brother-in-law at our house following a sudden stroke he had become a totally different person (bed-ridden, bed sore etc.). Both of us became lost and exhausted, I started to feel nervous, thinking that if this happened to me...
Here is the dilemma; when both of us are alive, I always am a little reluctant to actively think of these things. I kind of depend on him, even hope that I would crash first, so I don't know where to start.
Specifically, I would like to know if I am alone and incapable, how do you find a live-in (24/7) home care service in order to stay in my own house as much as possible.
Thanks in advance for any advice.
I did ALL the background work and all the atty did was offer a few bits of advice that we would not have thought of, input all the info I gave him into a lovely binder and voila! we were done.
For a few years.
We bought a one level home last year (again, took DH kicking and screaming to look at houses) so we didn't have to contend with so many stairs in our old home. This place is huge and has a basement that is finished where I can go to sew, craft, nap--whatever. It's where the g-kids play their video games and hang out. I don't think DH has been down there in a month.
In time, if needed, we will add a small kitchen area and have live in CG's. There is an outside entrance and the floorplan is perfect for 2 people.
NOW he loves it here, but wow, he had to fight me on every.single.darn.thing.
I did tell him that we need to roll out our 401K, take the tax hit and pay cash for a new car and have a pretty decent slush fund. AND we have to start rolling out our annuities. He wants to wait, but I don't know what FOR.
We will be seeing our atty in Feb to update and clarify some small details of the will. I will once again drag him there.
His reasoning for 'waiting' on all this is he doesn't want to think about anything EOL related. I think it's comforting to know that this will be simple for our kids when we die.
EVERYBODY needs to leave some kind of documentation to let their families know what they want, and pre-pay for as much as possible. We just lost mom and she had everything pretty much spelled out and there were no surprises.
Dh's dad had a minimal will, but it was enough to give DH a clue about what he wanted. It was still a year long nightmare, trying to find all his hidden investments and such. I personally was kind of angry at FIL, which is a terrible way to feel when you should be grieving and moving on.
To me, this is all comforting, and not scary. DH assumes he will die first and even knowing that pre-planning is a kind and smart thing to do--man, he fights me on all of it. If I die first, he will be totally clueless. I hate that my daughters will have to hold his hand on that b/c he was too doggone selfish to make plans.
I watched my mom age in place and she died at home, which is what she wanted. My MIL doesn't think she will ever die and lives a completely isolated life, letting only 2-3 people in her home. And only one at a time. (I'm not one of the chosen.)
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. We see that over and over here on this site.
Activities, entertainment, transportation to shop and go to appts. 3 meals a day and snacks. At Moms AL there were parties all the time. Birthday, holidays. Yiu may want to tour some ALs just to see how nice they are. There is a RN and aides if you need them.
Its not always wise to remain in your own home. At 73 I look at my 4 bedroom house and would love to downsize to an apartment but my 75 yr old husband is not ready. For now we can live cheaper here. No mortgage and taxes are frozen.
As for a live-in caregiver, that will be difficult to find as rarely does one want to work 24 hrs a day [or be on-call] they would burn-out quickly, and you'd be back to square one looking for someone new. You can call a private agency who would send out 3 full-time caregivers for each 8 hour shifts, but that is very expensive.
I know everyone would want to age in place in their own house. Right now at our age, we need to pay someone to mow the yard, and a landscaping company to fall/spring clean-up, etc. I use to do that myself, but that ship has sailed. Looks like this year we will need to pay someone to shovel [teens don't do this any more].
Thank goodness we live in an area where everything is very close by, such as groceries [we order on-line and we either pick them up curbside or a truck will deliver to the house], and nearby doctors/hospitals. Even senior living facilities are a dime a dozen here, so lot of choices. There is even a senior center just down the road.
So much to think about.
Everyone I know, myself included wants to remain in their own home. That's pretty much everyone's wishes. Today there is more help than ever and still we tend to worry.
If you look at the Western movies, there was no assisted living, VNA, etc.
Today there is a physical therapist on every street corner.
I think what is missing today is people have not invested in their Churches, knowing their neighbors and people go off to college, marry, move out-of-state and may move on to get a promotion. Not everyone has roots.
The divorce rate, remarriages, and blended families are another factor.
Don't live in fear but obviously you showed up at your brother-in-laws house. Look around to your family and friends and study, who shows up?
That's who you stick with. Build your network not because you want something from someone but don't be afraid. This is America...the greatest country in the world. We have a lot of resources. There's more available now than ever. There's no pat hand in life but it's to expect the best, but plan for the worst.
What has changed since the 1970's when I was a kid is both husband and wife are working. Most of the women in my family were the caregivers. I can't tell you how many people lived in our family home over the years'.
Only, no one called it caregiving. We just "took Auntie so-and-so in" since she broke her hip. She slept in the family room/guest room/tv room. We didn't have an extra wing on the house but we may due with what we had. My mother would have my Aunt walk down the street everyday and tough the stop.
That was her physical therapy, surrounded by people who loved her.
Teepa Snow who is an expert in the occupational field hit the nail on the head, it should be a community thing. Have someone from the Church come and sit while I go grocery shopping and keep an eye on Grandma.
In all honesty I'm not in that social circle of $$$ for an Assisted Living nor $1M
according to Suze Orman in my retirement but I have invested in people.
Oftentimes in life, it's not the one's you do for that may deliver. Have Faith in your future but plan what you can and remember this is America.