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Sometimes we expect more from people
because we don’t realize that they’re unbelievably stupid.
(1)
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Breakup (noun)

Deleting tons of photos.
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Study (noun)

The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.
(1)
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Eternity (noun)

The last two minutes of a soccer or a cricket match.
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Work (noun)

The annoying thing between sleep and Netflix.
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My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.
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I’m not trying to be difficult…
It just comes naturally.
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Everything I say can be entirely backed by my own opinion.
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A loan at a bank can take 30 years to pay off.
If you rob a bank, you're out in 10 years.
Follow me for more financial advice.
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Had a bad mix-up at the store today...when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me." Apparently, she was referring to my credit card.
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Ha ha. You think that's bad? Watch this."
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Doctor (noun)

A person who proves that the diagnosis you found on the internet is wrong.
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i already posted this. but i have to re-post it:

😉 A caregiver gets held up at gunpoint by a mugger who says, "Your money or your life!"
The caregiver says, "Is there a third thing? I don't have either of those."
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What do you call ten rabbits marching backward?

A receding hairline.
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🐟What kind of music do fish listen to ? 🐠
Sole.

🐄 What kind of music do cows listen to? 🐄
Pastoral.
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🎄🎄🎄
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap
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funny joke about complaints…

A man goes up to a woman sitting at a desk. There’s a trash can next to her.

Man: I would like to file a complaint.

Woman: Submit it here.
(she points at the trash can)

Man: (shocked)
You don’t even hide that it’s a trash can?!

Woman: We pride ourselves on our transparency.

Man: (upset; submits his written complaint into the trash can.)

Woman: Please accept our sincerest apology.
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🎄🎄🎄⏰⏰⏰

69 days till Xmas.
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🎄🎄🎄

Be naughty, save Santa the trip.
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🙂 In the event of a disaster,
I have strategically placed chocolate in various locations.
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🙂🙂🌸🌸
I’m not saying I hate you.
But, I do catch myself fantasizing about you being attacked by honey badgers, barefoot in a desert of legobricks, near a Bieber concert.
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🥳 From a procrastination point of view, today was very successful.
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🙄 My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
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🙂🙂 I’m ready for some blessings that aren’t in disguise.
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Tonight...I'm drinking until I'm someone else's problem.
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Pool rules:
You’re not allowed to do anything that begins with the words
“Hey everyone watch this!”
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I walk around like everything is OK…but deep down inside, I want to put up my Xmas tree.
(3)
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one hears it - you should probably get rid of the chainsaw…just in case.
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing,

and a lot of them are really good at it.
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A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.
He seemed irritated when I answered: “Kindergarten”.
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