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Sad news, but my relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
(6)
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Finally, the spring is here! I'm so thrilled I wet my plants.





Wrong season but who cares lol.
(6)
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I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist. That's the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up on a Saturday morning.
(7)
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What cheese can never be yours?

Nacho cheese.
(4)
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It is important to make breaks between individual exercises.

I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years
(8)
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Why didn't the fisherman enter the fishing contest.

He wanted off the hook.
(5)
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I have a great HIPAA joke, but I can't tell you.
(10)
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What is more important than inventing the first telephone?

The second one. :)
(5)
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Thank you for sharing these. It helps me find a laugh in my busy days.
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Smile and the world smiles with you.

Fart and the world suddenly stops smiling.
(2)
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This may be considered racy but I mean it as a true laugh and will apologize in advance if I offend anyone. My younger daughter gave birth to her first child 4 months ago. She is 34. She was discussing timing of a second child with her older sister (also my daughter) who has 2 children 20 months apart. Younger daughter said she needed to give her vagina a rest. Older daughter told me this and said was she planning on taking it out on tour.
(3)
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic with an agnostic with an insomniac?

Someone who stays awake all night trying to figure out whether there really is some kind of a dog.
(4)
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants
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The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Please use your blinker.
(3)
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A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her
nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I’ll take the soup.”
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We could all take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
(5)
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Four optimists were in a car wreck. They were so positive they could beat that train to the crossing.
(5)
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Will you quit interrupting me while I'm trying my best to annoy you.
(3)
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I'm not an early bird or a night owl. I'm some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.
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I'm bookmarking this for later, but here is one for you.
What did the lawyer wear to the masquerade party??

A "lawsuit."
(5)
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A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts.

He’s happy to take some.

He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.

“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”
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Knock knock.

Who’s there?

An extraterrestrial.

Extraterrestrial who?

What – how many extra-terrestrials do you know?
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Mom, what does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby?
 
He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps and farts.

***

85% of married life consists of yelling "what?" from the other side of the house.
(5)
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."A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test. 

She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.

Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."

Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”
(6)
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Sendhelp.

GROUNDS for divorce. (coffee grounds. )
:)
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CM,
For today only, I have a husband who makes me feel "as if" he is doing me a favor by accepting my offers.
"Do you want some coffee?"
"okay", he says.

Wondering if the coffee issue is grounds for divorce?

Must say though, most of the time, he is making the coffee, and doing it very well.
He excels in some things, and if he has trouble, doesn't make coffee, I use that clue to make an assessment of stressors that need an intervention. You say: "Coffee is a caregiver's intervention?"
Yes, it is. No joke.
(6)
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Not actually a joke, Send, but I had a husband who, if asked if he'd like a coffee, would reply "thanks."

Yes thanks? No thanks?

Had a husband, note.
(6)
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“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“But honey, what about our child?”

“What child?!”

“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”
(3)
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When I was younger, I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. Now, I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
(6)
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