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I just turned off the news, and put a serial killer documentary on, to relaxed 😎
(4)
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What has 5 toes, and isn't your foot?

My foot! 😂
(1)
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I got fired from my job at the bank today, an elderly lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
(6)
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One thing we should all appreciate about IKEA
is they will not sell furniture to people
who can not escape a labyrinth
(3)
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Introvert translations

maybe I'll come - I'm not coming
I'll let you know - I'm not coming
I'm not sure yet - I'm very sure I'm not coming
I'll try and come - I won't be trying anything
Ill think about it - I don't need to think about anything, I'm not coming
(7)
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the fact that Keith Richards has
outlived Richard Simmons
really makes me question this whole
healthy eating and exercise thing
(10)
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No matter what's going on in your life
there's some form of potato that can make it better
(6)
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RPI, boiling water, you will be "Mist"
(4)
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"it's so weird being the same age as old people"
(5)
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😉 Parents have a favorite child. If they tell you they don’t, then it’s not you!
(7)
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🙂 Enjoy every moment with your partner…

Because you’re gonna block each other one day.
(2)
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Stop whining about your appearance.

Your personality is even worse.
(4)
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🙂 It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
(7)
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some comebacks:

Someday you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.

You should really come with a warning label.

Stupidity isn't a crime, so you’re free to go.

Have a nice day, somewhere else.

Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?

I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

Earth is full. Go home.

You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.

🙂  I believed in evolution until I met you.
(6)
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😉 It wouldn't be Thanksgiving
without a little emotional scarring.
(2)
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🙂 An optimist is a person
who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
(3)
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🙂 If you hate yourself
remember you are not alone.
A lot of other people hate you too.
(3)
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😉 I woke up tired about 3 years ago and I have never really recovered since.
(3)
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🙂 I have successfully completed the 30-year transition from just wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.
(4)
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🙂 It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself why you don’t go out.
(5)
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😇 Does running out of peanut butter
count as cardio?
(2)
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🙂 That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and auto-correct decides to join the conversation.
(5)
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🥰🥰🥰
The purpose of a text is to get a reply within minutes…
I mean, if I wanted to wait I’d send you a letter via pigeon instead.
(2)
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“Why did the banana go out with the prune?” he says.

“I don’t know,” she says.

“Because it couldn’t get a date.”
(2)
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😇😇😇
🎄🎄🎄

It’s all fun and games till Santa checks the naughty list.
(3)
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🙂 I have lots of hidden talents.
The problem is, even I can’t find them.
(2)
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I just had a talk with myself, and things didn’t go well…
(3)
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Fact:
Never trust anyone who spells gonorrhea right on the first try.
(2)
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😇
I’m never wrong.
Just different levels of right.
(2)
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🙂 Two reasons I don’t trust them:
1. I don’t know them
2. I know them
(2)
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