Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can I get mom to adhere to her medication?
Medications can have some surprising negative effects so they must be checked regularly by a qualified professional. As people age they... Medications can have some surprising negative effects so they must be checked regularly by a qualified professional. As people age they become more susceptible to these side effects. So she may feel terrible after taking her meds and for good reason not want them. Some medications are vital but others could possibly be withdrawn or at least prescribed in lower doses. You may find that her body is telling her something very wise.
Good luck!
Carol see more
Good luck!
Carol see more
Question
Is there a tax issue?
I would have a CPA do the taxes. If they can be figured two or three different ways (legally) that will be done and you'll get the best... I would have a CPA do the taxes. If they can be figured two or three different ways (legally) that will be done and you'll get the best filing. This will also keep you out of trouble and if you get audited you'll have someone on your side. It's worth the money.
Warmly,
Carol see more
Warmly,
Carol see more
Question
How do I keep my sanity in light of excessive spousal spending?
I"m so sorry that you're having to cope with this. It's a terrible way to live. It sounds as though your husband's... I"m so sorry that you're having to cope with this. It's a terrible way to live.
It sounds as though your husband's diabetes may be kicking in cognitive issues. He needs a checkup to see if there is a dementia situation here. Either way, you may need to take over finances completely or turn your finances over to an expert (your bank should be able to help). Then, an allowance would be set up and he could use that but no more.
Good luck with this tough problem,
Carol see more
It sounds as though your husband's diabetes may be kicking in cognitive issues. He needs a checkup to see if there is a dementia situation here. Either way, you may need to take over finances completely or turn your finances over to an expert (your bank should be able to help). Then, an allowance would be set up and he could use that but no more.
Good luck with this tough problem,
Carol see more
Question
When dad goes into a nursing home, what do I do for financially for mom?
As JoAnn29 said, Medicaid will not leave her destitute. They have a program for the spouses. Yes, there is a spend down so she will lose... As JoAnn29 said, Medicaid will not leave her destitute. They have a program for the spouses. Yes, there is a spend down so she will lose assets that are saved but that is only fair. Medicaid is a program for the poor. That being said, you mom can still live in her home, drive a car and have some money. The sooner you check into this the better. An elder law attorney who knows your state laws is a good idea even just for one appointment. It would be money well spent.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
How can I protect my house if I go into a rest home?
I congratulate you for planning ahead but I would consult an elder law attorney for this. Every state has its own laws. The sooner you have... I congratulate you for planning ahead but I would consult an elder law attorney for this. Every state has its own laws. The sooner you have this figured out the better.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
Will I be responsible for payment of mom's credit card debt in any way?
I don't believe that they can come after her Social Security. This is another case that you may want legal advice for, though. After... I don't believe that they can come after her Social Security. This is another case that you may want legal advice for, though. After your mom passes, you shouldn't be liable but while she's still alive they may fight for payment. They won't get it but they may harass you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Will my brother come back and request more after my mom dies?
I don't think that your brother can contest what your mom signed. The house should be yours. However, if you are concerned (state laws... I don't think that your brother can contest what your mom signed. The house should be yours. However, if you are concerned (state laws do differ) you may want to make an appointment with an elder law attorney. One appointment should do it.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Anyone else develop seizures while caregiving?
John's girl, I'm so sorry that you've had this serious health issue and I'm sorry that you can't be by your mom's... John's girl, I'm so sorry that you've had this serious health issue and I'm sorry that you can't be by your mom's side during her health crises. But do heed the warning. As Pam said, upward of 30% of caregivers die before those that are taking care of - and that's not just elderly spouses. It's the strain of caregiving that undermines the health of the caregiver as well as the fact that many forego their own medical checkups and don't eat well or exercise (no time). Few people can do this alone and there is little assistance in the home.
Please take care of yourself. Your mom wants you to be healthy.
Carol see more
Please take care of yourself. Your mom wants you to be healthy.
Carol see more
Question
Can I put my husband in a nursing home?
Please don't feel guilty about this move. Many times the care in a good nursing home, along with the socialization, help the person... Please don't feel guilty about this move. Many times the care in a good nursing home, along with the socialization, help the person gain a new lease on life. In most cases there is a significant adjustment period first, but not always.
When I was speaking at an Alzheimer's function last month a woman came up to me and said that she had made this move. She told me, "Now I can concentrate on just loving the guy - I can be his wife again." In other words, she wasn't so worn out that she couldn't be her best around him.
You don't need a doctor (at least in most states) to help you get someone into a nursing home. Find the best one that you can and if there are no openings ask to be put on a list. You'll have to start out as private pay for a certain amount of time, and then, when you qualify financially, you can have him put on Medicaid.
Best wishes. We'd love to have you keep in touch.
Carol see more
When I was speaking at an Alzheimer's function last month a woman came up to me and said that she had made this move. She told me, "Now I can concentrate on just loving the guy - I can be his wife again." In other words, she wasn't so worn out that she couldn't be her best around him.
You don't need a doctor (at least in most states) to help you get someone into a nursing home. Find the best one that you can and if there are no openings ask to be put on a list. You'll have to start out as private pay for a certain amount of time, and then, when you qualify financially, you can have him put on Medicaid.
Best wishes. We'd love to have you keep in touch.
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone have their parent on Citalopram?
I had a loved one on Citalopram and it caused a complete (negative) personality change. It was the worst drug for him. That's not to... I had a loved one on Citalopram and it caused a complete (negative) personality change. It was the worst drug for him. That's not to say that it doesn't work for some people but it sure didn't work for him.
You may want to ask for a medication change.
Carol see more
You may want to ask for a medication change.
Carol see more
Question
My brother is more than willing to take Mother with dementia in, but she refuses help. What can we do?
In most cases the elder should make the decision to move but this is obviously not one of those cases. I'd contact the doctor first to... In most cases the elder should make the decision to move but this is obviously not one of those cases.
I'd contact the doctor first to see if he or she can expedite some type of action. If that isn't possible, call protective services. As you and your brother so wisely see, this can't be allowed to go on.
Best wishes to you. I hope that you'll keep in contact for support.
Carol see more
I'd contact the doctor first to see if he or she can expedite some type of action. If that isn't possible, call protective services. As you and your brother so wisely see, this can't be allowed to go on.
Best wishes to you. I hope that you'll keep in contact for support.
Carol see more
Question
Is it normal progression for dementia patient to eat well, but still lose weight?
I'm sorry that you are going through this but it's "normal" for the disease. As organs begin to fail, which happens with... I'm sorry that you are going through this but it's "normal" for the disease. As organs begin to fail, which happens with advanced Alzheimer's, food won't be digested efficiently, so yes weight loss is common. This happens to many who have long illnesses. It is hard to watch - I watched my mother go down to a little over 80 pounds. All that was left was skin and her tiny bones. Heartbreaking. However, it's the same with all of the signs of decline. All we can do is our best.
Try to take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Try to take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
My Dad with dementia still wants to feel useful. Any ideas?
We all need a purpose, so the suggestions above are helpful. Allowing a person to do what he or she can is kind and empathetic. A... We all need a purpose, so the suggestions above are helpful.
Allowing a person to do what he or she can is kind and empathetic.
A caregiver sometimes has to be creative. I became my dad's "secretary" while he came up with ideas to improve the city. He didn't have AD but he had dementia due to a failed surgery.
My point isn't that this technique would work for everyone but that each person needs to feel useful in some way. Having the person with dementia hold the tools while the well person fixes something or finding safe things to do in the kitchen can make a difference.
There are some wonderful suggestions here from the community. I hope that they help.
Carol see more
Allowing a person to do what he or she can is kind and empathetic.
A caregiver sometimes has to be creative. I became my dad's "secretary" while he came up with ideas to improve the city. He didn't have AD but he had dementia due to a failed surgery.
My point isn't that this technique would work for everyone but that each person needs to feel useful in some way. Having the person with dementia hold the tools while the well person fixes something or finding safe things to do in the kitchen can make a difference.
There are some wonderful suggestions here from the community. I hope that they help.
Carol see more
Question
I think I am developing dementia. What should I do first?
While chronic stress alone may not cause Alzheimer's, according to the NIH, "Environmental factors including chronic stress may... While chronic stress alone may not cause Alzheimer's, according to the NIH, "Environmental factors including chronic stress may play a critical role in the manifestation of Alzheimer’s disease (AD)." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3263455/
For these reasons it's good for most of us to learn to manage chronic stress. We can't avoid it and that wouldn't even be good but the excess cortisol produced by excess chronic stress has been shown to have negative effects on our health.
I hope that you can find ways to lower your stress levels.
Carol see more
For these reasons it's good for most of us to learn to manage chronic stress. We can't avoid it and that wouldn't even be good but the excess cortisol produced by excess chronic stress has been shown to have negative effects on our health.
I hope that you can find ways to lower your stress levels.
Carol see more
Question
Two different people have POA of my aunt and they don't seem to get along.
arianne777, this is going to be a big task. You may want your children to help since you could need to go through all of your spending... arianne777, this is going to be a big task. You may want your children to help since you could need to go through all of your spending (I'm assuming that you are thinking that you may need to go on Medicaid which is good planning for nearly anyone - be prepared).
If you given large gifts to family or friends or even organizations or your church during that time, those should be looked at right away. I don't think your grocery bills will be an issue but I'm not a Medicaid expert. Likely, much will depend on what you've given away since technically that person could be required to pay it all back if five years haven't passed.
If you haven't given large financial gifts it may not be too big a deal but it's best to know your state Medicaid laws. I would suggest one meeting with an elder law attorney who knows your state laws. He or she could help you streamline the process and you'd know exactly what you need to do.
Take care,
Carol see more
If you given large gifts to family or friends or even organizations or your church during that time, those should be looked at right away. I don't think your grocery bills will be an issue but I'm not a Medicaid expert. Likely, much will depend on what you've given away since technically that person could be required to pay it all back if five years haven't passed.
If you haven't given large financial gifts it may not be too big a deal but it's best to know your state Medicaid laws. I would suggest one meeting with an elder law attorney who knows your state laws. He or she could help you streamline the process and you'd know exactly what you need to do.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Two different people have POA of my aunt and they don't seem to get along.
Roxibo, please read dcoach's answer. It's perfect.
Good luck with this.
Carol
Good luck with this.
Carol
Question
Where do I find emotional help for me the patient?
You are so smart to go into this knowing that you need support, LindaSusan! Contact your local Alzheimer's Association. They should be... You are so smart to go into this knowing that you need support, LindaSusan! Contact your local Alzheimer's Association. They should be able to help you find a good support group for people with the disease. I know that many are caregiver oriented, but people who live with the disease deserve their own group. If there isn't one, ask them to start one.
Wishing you the best,
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Wishing you the best,
Carol see more
Question
Mom lost her battle with dementia. How do I find a new normal?
I'm so sorry about your mom, WearyinPit. I'm especially sorry about her suffering at the end. Generally, hospice can take care of... I'm so sorry about your mom, WearyinPit. I'm especially sorry about her suffering at the end. Generally, hospice can take care of that quite well.
Your grief and need for adjustment are normal - something that we all go through to some extent. As was suggested, hospice offers grief counseling for up to 13 months after the death of your loved one. I'd suggest that you take advantage of that.
I've found that I carry my loved ones with me now, in spirit, and often feel them with me, but that took time. I had to grieve first. I also found that the grief pattern varied and often when I felt that I was doing well I could still get hit with a wave of grief.
The coming holidays will be difficult. I lost my dad on December 2. My uncle died over the Christmas holidays. My mom not too long after Christmas (not all the same year). But their deaths colored the holidays and always will to some extent. You'll feel your mom's loss extra hard then, so you'll have to give yourself the gift of understanding.
During this whole process, don't expect too much of yourself. You may want to read this article when you feel better: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm
I'm grateful that you found help through this community. Please keep in touch. You aren't done with caregiving yet. You need to practice self-care now more than ever.
Carol see more
Your grief and need for adjustment are normal - something that we all go through to some extent. As was suggested, hospice offers grief counseling for up to 13 months after the death of your loved one. I'd suggest that you take advantage of that.
I've found that I carry my loved ones with me now, in spirit, and often feel them with me, but that took time. I had to grieve first. I also found that the grief pattern varied and often when I felt that I was doing well I could still get hit with a wave of grief.
The coming holidays will be difficult. I lost my dad on December 2. My uncle died over the Christmas holidays. My mom not too long after Christmas (not all the same year). But their deaths colored the holidays and always will to some extent. You'll feel your mom's loss extra hard then, so you'll have to give yourself the gift of understanding.
During this whole process, don't expect too much of yourself. You may want to read this article when you feel better: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm
I'm grateful that you found help through this community. Please keep in touch. You aren't done with caregiving yet. You need to practice self-care now more than ever.
Carol see more
Question
What is the process of getting someone into a nursing home?
Great answers, here. I think it's the fact that your dad is looking at a VA home out of state that is holding this up. If your... Great answers, here. I think it's the fact that your dad is looking at a VA home out of state that is holding this up. If your grandfather was a disabled veteran your grandmother may be able to get a room there, but they takes veterans over spouses so that can mean a long waiting list.
A regular nursing home would not have such a long list. Maybe weeks or a month or so - often less. Your dad is likely afraid of the money issue and having to sell the house if your grandmother goes on Medicaid. She'd have to spend down the money that your grandmother has before she qualifies. This can be a complicated process.
I agree that your dad is afraid of it all and if you'll do the work, well, why not? The point is you have to say that you can't do this. Get yourself out of there if you can. You are too young to have this responsibility and you have a young child to take care of. You need to build your own future.
Please see if you can get some counseling if you can't get yourself out of this on your own. You need to take care of yourself.
Warm wishes,
Carol see more
A regular nursing home would not have such a long list. Maybe weeks or a month or so - often less. Your dad is likely afraid of the money issue and having to sell the house if your grandmother goes on Medicaid. She'd have to spend down the money that your grandmother has before she qualifies. This can be a complicated process.
I agree that your dad is afraid of it all and if you'll do the work, well, why not? The point is you have to say that you can't do this. Get yourself out of there if you can. You are too young to have this responsibility and you have a young child to take care of. You need to build your own future.
Please see if you can get some counseling if you can't get yourself out of this on your own. You need to take care of yourself.
Warm wishes,
Carol see more
Urinary tract infection and low sodium levels. What do I do?
Best wishes,
Carol see more