Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can I cope with caregiving when I'm stressed to the max?
Austin is right on about so many things, but the biggest is that we can use our experiences to help others. It gives more meaning to all... Austin is right on about so many things, but the biggest is that we can use our experiences to help others. It gives more meaning to all we, as caregivers, have gone through.
It's so common that people take out their anger on those that "will take it." And those are often their caregivers. Then they are so nice to other people, and others don't understand what we've been through.
There's just so much good advice and common sense and compassion on this site. What a joy to be a small part of it.
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It's so common that people take out their anger on those that "will take it." And those are often their caregivers. Then they are so nice to other people, and others don't understand what we've been through.
There's just so much good advice and common sense and compassion on this site. What a joy to be a small part of it.
Carol see more
Question
How can I cope with caregiving when I'm stressed to the max?
Marylynne, you need more than this. Have you been to a doctor for yourself? Getting help with your parents is good, but you need a checkup,... Marylynne, you need more than this. Have you been to a doctor for yourself? Getting help with your parents is good, but you need a checkup, too.
And it sounds like your mother may need medication. Has she been checked for Alzheimer's or other dementia? That can make people even more difficult to handle. Maybe she needs medication for anxiety.
Somewhere along the line, you will have to find assisted living for them (or a nursing home, depending on their condition). You can still visit every day if you want. You will still be a caregiver, but you will have help and won't be totally responsible.
Yes, they will object. But they will adjust.
You haven't had a chance to live your life. Your kids need you and need you to be healthy. You may one day have grandchildren. You want to live to know them.
Your parents would not want you to be one of the caregiver's who dies before the people they are caring for. This happens to 30%! Please don't be one of them. They really would not want this, and it could happen.
Please get a checkup, and talk to social services or someone who can help you get more help or find a living center for one or both of your parents. see more
And it sounds like your mother may need medication. Has she been checked for Alzheimer's or other dementia? That can make people even more difficult to handle. Maybe she needs medication for anxiety.
Somewhere along the line, you will have to find assisted living for them (or a nursing home, depending on their condition). You can still visit every day if you want. You will still be a caregiver, but you will have help and won't be totally responsible.
Yes, they will object. But they will adjust.
You haven't had a chance to live your life. Your kids need you and need you to be healthy. You may one day have grandchildren. You want to live to know them.
Your parents would not want you to be one of the caregiver's who dies before the people they are caring for. This happens to 30%! Please don't be one of them. They really would not want this, and it could happen.
Please get a checkup, and talk to social services or someone who can help you get more help or find a living center for one or both of your parents. see more
Question
How can I cope with caregiving when I'm stressed to the max?
Your had more to handle than anyone should, with Kartrina on top of all of this. Strokes often make people hard to handle, but apparently... Your had more to handle than anyone should, with Kartrina on top of all of this. Strokes often make people hard to handle, but apparently your dad has retained his sweetness. It's so sad that your mom is making this hard. Is there no one else in the family, or your church or a social agency who can at least spell you?
At least you can say how you feel and that's good.
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At least you can say how you feel and that's good.
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How can I cope with caregiving when I'm stressed to the max?
I'm so glad you are coming to this site. These are all people who have been through different experiences, but they will understand how... I'm so glad you are coming to this site. These are all people who have been through different experiences, but they will understand how you are feeling. The isolation and exhaustion of caregiving can be overwhelming. And most people don't understand unless they've "been there." We all have been there, or are there. Please keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing.
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Question
The doctors said my grandmother's heart is too weak to repair. Could they be wrong?
They could be right. There's nothing wrong with getting a second opinion, however. But heart surgery is very stressful for a younger... They could be right. There's nothing wrong with getting a second opinion, however. But heart surgery is very stressful for a younger body, even, and not everyone is healthy enough to get through it. A lot would depend on how bad the valve is, as well. Just for your peace of mind, you may want to get a second opinion, but don't be too surprised if that doctor agrees. If they disagree, I'd try for a third, and take two out of three.
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Question
How can I avoid putting my mother and father in a nursing home?
The eldercare locator (www.eldercare.gov) is another place to go to see what is available in your area, though you need to do the... The eldercare locator (www.eldercare.gov) is another place to go to see what is available in your area, though you need to do the inspecting yourself. County, state and federal sites that give nursing home ratings are okay for a place to start, but some homes can have hits against them for very minor things that don't affect patient care or safety, and others can have fewer strikes against them, but the are far more serious. If you go yourself (or send someone you trust) you will get a much better feel. And visit at different times of day.
Geriatric care managers are a great idea, but there is no regulation. Anyone can hange out a shingle and be one. It's best to get a nurse, social worker or someone in the field, if you can find one. We don't even have any geriatric care managers in my area. But the right one, though expensive, can be wonderful, indeed, and they are often available in large cities.
Just like nursing homes, in-home care, assisted living and other elder services, the managers need to be checked out.
A place for Mom (www.aplaceformom.com) is a good resource (mentioned above), as well. I agree with the statement that if you can have your loved one placed in a center where family or friends can visit often, you are way ahead of the game. Even the best homes are going to be more on their toes if they know that familiy is around and this person gets visited. That is key.
When my folks were in a nursing home, they did everything possible to keep people out of diapers. There's something lazy and not good about the rehab center doing this, if there was no need for diapers prior to her stay. I would, indeed question that.
And every state does have ombudsmen to look into complaints. You can find them through your state human services. Always try, first, to settle complaints in a more friendly manner, but if you need help, it's there. That's what these people are paid for.
Carol see more
Geriatric care managers are a great idea, but there is no regulation. Anyone can hange out a shingle and be one. It's best to get a nurse, social worker or someone in the field, if you can find one. We don't even have any geriatric care managers in my area. But the right one, though expensive, can be wonderful, indeed, and they are often available in large cities.
Just like nursing homes, in-home care, assisted living and other elder services, the managers need to be checked out.
A place for Mom (www.aplaceformom.com) is a good resource (mentioned above), as well. I agree with the statement that if you can have your loved one placed in a center where family or friends can visit often, you are way ahead of the game. Even the best homes are going to be more on their toes if they know that familiy is around and this person gets visited. That is key.
When my folks were in a nursing home, they did everything possible to keep people out of diapers. There's something lazy and not good about the rehab center doing this, if there was no need for diapers prior to her stay. I would, indeed question that.
And every state does have ombudsmen to look into complaints. You can find them through your state human services. Always try, first, to settle complaints in a more friendly manner, but if you need help, it's there. That's what these people are paid for.
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Question
I stopped taking care of mother because she has a caregiver and my husband thinks I'm abandoning her. Should I...
Great advice. It takes courage and strength to get to that point, but it's worth it. Always the peacemaker - that's been my... Great advice. It takes courage and strength to get to that point, but it's worth it. Always the peacemaker - that's been my pattern. Don't make waves. It's part of the "when and how" I grew up, and it's part of what is expected of many women. Also, it's part of my innate personality. But I've found out how that attitude can harm people - not only myself, but others I've intended to help. Finding a happy medium where we care for others as well as for ourselves is a challenge for many of us. Keep strong.
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Question
How can I get my uncles to help my dad care for my grandmother?
Elders have the right to make decisions, even when we who love them aren't always in agreement. This is one of those times. I'm so... Elders have the right to make decisions, even when we who love them aren't always in agreement. This is one of those times. I'm so happy you are able to help your grandma, and in turn, your dad. You are doing all you can do, and that is enough. You help us as much as we help you. That's what support is all about. Please keep checking in.
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Question
How can I get my uncles to help my dad care for my grandmother?
These are all good suggestions for a very difficult situation. One thing that is so great about this group is that we are all together in... These are all good suggestions for a very difficult situation. One thing that is so great about this group is that we are all together in the situtations, yet we each have unique experiences. Maybe something one person says will start the ball rolling. Thanks so much to all of you for your great support and help.
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Question
How can I get my uncles to help my dad care for my grandmother?
The only way I can see you being able to help is that if you can go to the area where your grandmother wants to live and check out... The only way I can see you being able to help is that if you can go to the area where your grandmother wants to live and check out residences. You can go to the eldercare locator at www.eldercare.gov to get an idea of what they have to offer. The centers are not rated. But perhaps you can do a lot long-distance, if the places you choose to investigate can send you some recommendations from people who have used their services. Still, it's best if someone can check personally.
Family issues are so complicated. The others are operating out of guilt and fear. Your dad took on the care of their mother, and now she wants to make a decision she has every right to make. But no one will help. I know that guilt and fear makes people tell lies. I've seen that. It's awful.
Keep checking in. We want to know how you are doing.
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Family issues are so complicated. The others are operating out of guilt and fear. Your dad took on the care of their mother, and now she wants to make a decision she has every right to make. But no one will help. I know that guilt and fear makes people tell lies. I've seen that. It's awful.
Keep checking in. We want to know how you are doing.
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Question
My mother refuses to do anything. How can I get her to be more active and involved with things?
This is great advice. I have a good friend in his early 60s with some hearing impairment, and I see these very things happening to him. He... This is great advice. I have a good friend in his early 60s with some hearing impairment, and I see these very things happening to him. He knows he needs hearing aids, but hasn't been ready to get them. The aids get better all the time, so he's been right to wait awhile, but the time comes when people need to get them in order to enjoy being around other people. see more
Question
I stopped taking care of mother because she has a caregiver and my husband thinks I'm abandoning her. Should I...
Yes it does. I've been there. If people don't understand that you are doing as much as you can, and caregiving is hard work, it is... Yes it does. I've been there. If people don't understand that you are doing as much as you can, and caregiving is hard work, it is sometimes impossible to break through their wall.
And when it's a spouse, from whom you expect support, it's harder. He thinks he's right. Period. And he is no doubt scared and worried about his mother's care. But that doesn't mean you can spend your weekends doing the care.
Is there a spiritual counselor who you two could talk with? Maybe this person could help your husband see that your plate is full, and that you are burned out. I'm assuming you are willing to visit now and then, to show support. It's being in charge of care for the weekend that you can't do. Your health is at stake, when you add weekend caregiving to all the other things you must do. Hopefully, a third party can help him see that.
Best wishes and prayers,
Carol see more
And when it's a spouse, from whom you expect support, it's harder. He thinks he's right. Period. And he is no doubt scared and worried about his mother's care. But that doesn't mean you can spend your weekends doing the care.
Is there a spiritual counselor who you two could talk with? Maybe this person could help your husband see that your plate is full, and that you are burned out. I'm assuming you are willing to visit now and then, to show support. It's being in charge of care for the weekend that you can't do. Your health is at stake, when you add weekend caregiving to all the other things you must do. Hopefully, a third party can help him see that.
Best wishes and prayers,
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Question
I stopped taking care of mother because she has a caregiver and my husband thinks I'm abandoning her. Should I...
No you shouldn't feel guilty. Of course you are burned out. Anyone would be. Part of your note is cut off, but it looks like you are... No you shouldn't feel guilty. Of course you are burned out. Anyone would be.
Part of your note is cut off, but it looks like you are caring for your husband's mother. You don't have to quit visiting, but he needs to get more help for her. In-home help can be gotten on weekends, too. You have children who need you, a job and school, for heavens sake!
Don't cut her out of your life, but tell your husband you can't keep it up. You are not abandoning him or anyone. You just can't do more, for the sake of your own heath. You may need to get your husband to a counselor and lay it on the line so he can see how much you handle. He is likely in denial about how much you do as he doesn't know where else to go for help. You can consult with your county social services, if money is an issue. The eldercare locator at www.eldercare.gov is a good place to go to see what services are offered in your area. He needs to get care for her so you can be a mother, wife, employee and student.
Guilt has no place in your life. This is a situation that needs to be fixed, or you will be the one who needs care. You don't want your kids to have to care for you, I'm sure.
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Part of your note is cut off, but it looks like you are caring for your husband's mother. You don't have to quit visiting, but he needs to get more help for her. In-home help can be gotten on weekends, too. You have children who need you, a job and school, for heavens sake!
Don't cut her out of your life, but tell your husband you can't keep it up. You are not abandoning him or anyone. You just can't do more, for the sake of your own heath. You may need to get your husband to a counselor and lay it on the line so he can see how much you handle. He is likely in denial about how much you do as he doesn't know where else to go for help. You can consult with your county social services, if money is an issue. The eldercare locator at www.eldercare.gov is a good place to go to see what services are offered in your area. He needs to get care for her so you can be a mother, wife, employee and student.
Guilt has no place in your life. This is a situation that needs to be fixed, or you will be the one who needs care. You don't want your kids to have to care for you, I'm sure.
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Question
My mother refuses to do anything. How can I get her to be more active and involved with things?
All good comments, Cat. The nutrition and light are good points, too. Elders often need supplements as eating well isn't usually a... All good comments, Cat. The nutrition and light are good points, too. Elders often need supplements as eating well isn't usually a strong point. And good light is known to help many with depression. But, as Cat says, she is then free to do as she pleases. I'm afraid I'll be such a homebody in a few decades no one will get me out and I'll cause just as much frustration, without intending any harm. Bring back pictures is also a terrific idea. Good show, Cat!
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Question
My mother refuses to do anything. How can I get her to be more active and involved with things?
Your mom is making a choice, and you don't need to feel guilty about it. She has the option of going with you, but chooses not to.... Your mom is making a choice, and you don't need to feel guilty about it. She has the option of going with you, but chooses not to. That's okay. Do watch for suicide signs, but likely she is just tired of doing stuff and is happy enough with what she has.
Hearing problems can make going out hard. If her hearing is corrected to the best place it can be, then you can't help that either.
The thing to remember is that elders have choices and we may not think they are the best ones, so we feel guilty, when in fact they are doing what they want to do.
Give her the option of going with you, make sure she is safe, and then enjoy yourself and let her be. Some of it may be stubborness, and just an invitation and then an "okay, just thought we'd ask," is good. Then, after a few times, she may decide she is the one making the choice and she may choose to go with you.
You are a good, loving person to be concerned, but only your mother can make the final decision. see more
Hearing problems can make going out hard. If her hearing is corrected to the best place it can be, then you can't help that either.
The thing to remember is that elders have choices and we may not think they are the best ones, so we feel guilty, when in fact they are doing what they want to do.
Give her the option of going with you, make sure she is safe, and then enjoy yourself and let her be. Some of it may be stubborness, and just an invitation and then an "okay, just thought we'd ask," is good. Then, after a few times, she may decide she is the one making the choice and she may choose to go with you.
You are a good, loving person to be concerned, but only your mother can make the final decision. see more
Question
I'm so unhappy having my mother in my house and I feel guilty. How can I cope?
Your feelings are okay. I'm sure some of them come from your past, plus the fact that it's normal to want some "down... Your feelings are okay. I'm sure some of them come from your past, plus the fact that it's normal to want some "down time" when you get home from work, even in a close family.
Obviously, you aren't getting that. It's good that you can not have to worry about her home alone those four days, but you still don't have time to yourself. Most times, having the parent live with the family only works well if there is plenty of room and time for all to have some alone time. Otherwise, it gets very "crowded" mentally, if not physically. Please try not to feel guilty for being human.
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Obviously, you aren't getting that. It's good that you can not have to worry about her home alone those four days, but you still don't have time to yourself. Most times, having the parent live with the family only works well if there is plenty of room and time for all to have some alone time. Otherwise, it gets very "crowded" mentally, if not physically. Please try not to feel guilty for being human.
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Question
I'm so unhappy having my mother in my house and I feel guilty. How can I cope?
Please keep on venting. We're here to listen. We can't fix things, though we can relate and advise, but we can help share your load... Please keep on venting. We're here to listen. We can't fix things, though we can relate and advise, but we can help share your load just by listening.
Boy to I relate about someone sitting in the chair driving you nuts. I need alone time - and I mean alone. The person doesn't have to be doing anything wrong. It's just that some of us need to be alone with our thoughts. For me, some of it is a form of meditation, and without that I have a hard time staying mentally and physiclly as balanced as I like to be.
You don't get that chance. No wonder you are stuggling. Obviously, there are other family issues, as well.
You can't make her do anything, but you could hire an in-home agency and when they come just say, "So and so is here to keep you company while I run some errands." Then go to a park or somewhere you enjoy.
It takes guts, and you won't have your house, which I realize is part of the main problem, but you would get a little time to yourself.
The adult day care mentioned would be ideal, and she'd probably enjoy it if she let herself enjoy it, but she won't if she won't. It's tough to get them to go somewhere physically if they refuse. So, until the time that you move her to assisted living or somewhere, you will have to cope with her at home. Getting out by yourself may be your only viable option.
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Boy to I relate about someone sitting in the chair driving you nuts. I need alone time - and I mean alone. The person doesn't have to be doing anything wrong. It's just that some of us need to be alone with our thoughts. For me, some of it is a form of meditation, and without that I have a hard time staying mentally and physiclly as balanced as I like to be.
You don't get that chance. No wonder you are stuggling. Obviously, there are other family issues, as well.
You can't make her do anything, but you could hire an in-home agency and when they come just say, "So and so is here to keep you company while I run some errands." Then go to a park or somewhere you enjoy.
It takes guts, and you won't have your house, which I realize is part of the main problem, but you would get a little time to yourself.
The adult day care mentioned would be ideal, and she'd probably enjoy it if she let herself enjoy it, but she won't if she won't. It's tough to get them to go somewhere physically if they refuse. So, until the time that you move her to assisted living or somewhere, you will have to cope with her at home. Getting out by yourself may be your only viable option.
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Question
How can I deal with my elderly parent's constant squabbling?
They love it! That's their way of communicating and likely always has been it's just gotten worse with fewer distractions, such as... They love it! That's their way of communicating and likely always has been it's just gotten worse with fewer distractions, such as jobs. You can't change other people, so the only thing you can do is learn to detach. This is very hard - I had to do some of it, so I know how hard it is, first hand.
If you are gutsy, you can listen as long as you can and then just say you have to leave as their squabbling is too hard on you. That may help some, at least temporarily.
I'm kind of wimpy with those things, so I had to just say I had to get going, and leave. If your visits are shorter when you stop in, they may get the message. Temporarily.
This is much like when you know that outside activities or more exercise would be better for them. If they won't do it, nagging won't get them there. So, you have to realize that they have made a decision to live this way, and detach yourself enough so that you don't suffer from their dysfunction.
Squabbling is a decision they have made. It's how they choose to live. You have to protect yourself the best you can, and detach by understanding that they are "happy" with their choice. Good luck and check in often. I think you will enjoy the company here. We know what you are going through.
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If you are gutsy, you can listen as long as you can and then just say you have to leave as their squabbling is too hard on you. That may help some, at least temporarily.
I'm kind of wimpy with those things, so I had to just say I had to get going, and leave. If your visits are shorter when you stop in, they may get the message. Temporarily.
This is much like when you know that outside activities or more exercise would be better for them. If they won't do it, nagging won't get them there. So, you have to realize that they have made a decision to live this way, and detach yourself enough so that you don't suffer from their dysfunction.
Squabbling is a decision they have made. It's how they choose to live. You have to protect yourself the best you can, and detach by understanding that they are "happy" with their choice. Good luck and check in often. I think you will enjoy the company here. We know what you are going through.
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Question
What is the prognosis with advanced dementia?
Again, I'd talk with hospice. The experts I've talked with say the body does not want food at that point and forcing food, in any... Again, I'd talk with hospice. The experts I've talked with say the body does not want food at that point and forcing food, in any form, on their bodies, when they don't want food, is counterproductive. We are hungry, as our digestive system and the rest of our body works, so we think they are starving.
They are not, as their body is shutting down, and that is nature's way. The can't digest food, so they are not hungry. Again, I would suggest hospice, as they are experts at explaining these things. They have the medial people and the spiritual people (should you want that). They are used to answering just the questions you and your wife are asking. Please call them and get their help, so your wife doesn't continue to agonize.
Take care,
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They are not, as their body is shutting down, and that is nature's way. The can't digest food, so they are not hungry. Again, I would suggest hospice, as they are experts at explaining these things. They have the medial people and the spiritual people (should you want that). They are used to answering just the questions you and your wife are asking. Please call them and get their help, so your wife doesn't continue to agonize.
Take care,
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I am a young adult caring for their parents. My husband and I want to start a family; however, caregiving has...
You don't need to give up your own life for them, even though you love them. They can get help filling out papers. It seems they need to feel responsible for themselves before they will do anything. You can advise them as to where to go for the paperwork, and then you may have to let them crash, financially. You could find that they suddenly find ways to get along on their own.
Don't let this ruin your marriage and your hopes of a family. You deserve a life, too. It's agonizing to detach and cut off family, and I hope your husband will give you lots of support, should you go that way. Please seek out Al-Anon or Families Anonymous for extra support and understanding.
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