Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
Another option for finding care is www.aplaceformom.com. However, what Tracy is talking about is common for many caregivers. I hope Tracy... Another option for finding care is www.aplaceformom.com. However, what Tracy is talking about is common for many caregivers. I hope Tracy has contacted the adult human services people on the state level. There are federal dollars for respite care that go to waste as people often don't know about that.
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How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
There are always more than one side to each story. I do think there are more siblings who just won't help, than those who are shut out.... There are always more than one side to each story. I do think there are more siblings who just won't help, than those who are shut out. However, Health has a story that is not as uncommon as one would think. Most aren't as extreme as hers. Sometimes the person who starts caregiving just does it, and the others feel shut out, when if they asked they could do something. But I've heard her story before. That's why we need to withhold judgment of others, and that's why venting a bit about our own situations is really good. People can then see all sides.
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How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
You've got a right to feel the resentment, but I hope you can eventually work through it. You know you did what your dad needed. Your... You've got a right to feel the resentment, but I hope you can eventually work through it. You know you did what your dad needed. Your brother couldn't make himself do it. That is sad, but happens often. You are the winner in this, even though it was horribly hard at the time.
In the end, though, the resentment will hurt you more than him, so if you can't eventually let it go, you may want to talk it through with a counselor. You don't want this to turn you into a bitter person, which will hurt you even more.
You will always carry the joy of having cared for your father when he needed you. Those are precious memories to hold on to. Congratulations for your courage and your hard work. Unlike your brother, you'll never regret how you handled his last months.
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In the end, though, the resentment will hurt you more than him, so if you can't eventually let it go, you may want to talk it through with a counselor. You don't want this to turn you into a bitter person, which will hurt you even more.
You will always carry the joy of having cared for your father when he needed you. Those are precious memories to hold on to. Congratulations for your courage and your hard work. Unlike your brother, you'll never regret how you handled his last months.
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Question
How can I best care for my alcoholic aging mother?
No, you aren't responsible. You need to contact your county adult social services. A welfare check on her should get her into some kind... No, you aren't responsible. You need to contact your county adult social services. A welfare check on her should get her into some kind of help (especially if you time it when she's drunk, as otherwise she may charm her way out of it).
It's sad. Alcoholism is a disease, and she truly does feel bad that her drinking causes you grief. But you shouldn't let the guilt trips affect you, and you can't enable her, or you'll both go under and you may lose your marriage, too.
Please contact Al-Anon and/or Families Anonymous. You need the support of others who have gone through this. You can find them online, but it's better if you can go to meetings in person. Look at the support calendar in your local newspaper or call any social service agency for the hotline number so you can find meetings. Al-Anon will help you learn to deal with your mother in a way that is healthy for you and may even help your mother, in the long run.
Blessings to you. Please check back.
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It's sad. Alcoholism is a disease, and she truly does feel bad that her drinking causes you grief. But you shouldn't let the guilt trips affect you, and you can't enable her, or you'll both go under and you may lose your marriage, too.
Please contact Al-Anon and/or Families Anonymous. You need the support of others who have gone through this. You can find them online, but it's better if you can go to meetings in person. Look at the support calendar in your local newspaper or call any social service agency for the hotline number so you can find meetings. Al-Anon will help you learn to deal with your mother in a way that is healthy for you and may even help your mother, in the long run.
Blessings to you. Please check back.
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Question
Is there someone out there to take care of me?
You are not selfish. He needs care and you need to take care of yourself, as well. Keep coming back to tell us how you are doing and what... You are not selfish. He needs care and you need to take care of yourself, as well. Keep coming back to tell us how you are doing and what you decide.
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Question
How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
And we are thankful to you, Kim. Our condolences. There's an emptiness when reality hits and we realize that they are really gone, but... And we are thankful to you, Kim. Our condolences. There's an emptiness when reality hits and we realize that they are really gone, but there's a relief for most of us, as the suffering and hardship are over. Your healing will take time, but you can be peaceful knowing you did what you could. Please stay with us as long as you want. We can always use your insight.
Blessings,
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Blessings,
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Question
How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
You have a lot of company. You can try to divide up the care, letting everyone know their part. But if they don't come through, there... You have a lot of company. You can try to divide up the care, letting everyone know their part. But if they don't come through, there isn't a lot you can do. One thing I've seen repeatedly, is that the adult children who don't help out have more "grief," when the elders die. I believe it's then that they wish they'd been around. The one doing the hands-on caregiving knows that they did what they could. So there is peace.
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Question
Is there someone out there to take care of me?
Life is a cruel shock for many of us who were raised to think a man would be there to at least help us along the journey. Then we find we... Life is a cruel shock for many of us who were raised to think a man would be there to at least help us along the journey. Then we find we are the caregivers and the sole providers to keep a roof over our heads, care for our children and/or often the husband.
Often ill people won't do what they are capable of, and that isn't good for them. A wife/mother will do it, they figure. But then they get more helpless. Then, like Austin, we have to get stern and we hate having to do that.
There's often a lot of manipulation going on with the sick person, and there's only so much a caregiver can take. It's good to get outside help. However, I know my elders would wait for me to do the thngs "the way they liked them." Of course, I would! Then, I became indispensible. It can be a vicious circle.
Hang in, Ladies. Keep communicating. You do help each other.
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Often ill people won't do what they are capable of, and that isn't good for them. A wife/mother will do it, they figure. But then they get more helpless. Then, like Austin, we have to get stern and we hate having to do that.
There's often a lot of manipulation going on with the sick person, and there's only so much a caregiver can take. It's good to get outside help. However, I know my elders would wait for me to do the thngs "the way they liked them." Of course, I would! Then, I became indispensible. It can be a vicious circle.
Hang in, Ladies. Keep communicating. You do help each other.
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Question
Mom refuses to eat, so how can I get her the nourishment she needs?
Some nutrients can increase appetite. Depression and anxiety decrease it. It sounds as if your doctor is in on this, and that's good,... Some nutrients can increase appetite. Depression and anxiety decrease it. It sounds as if your doctor is in on this, and that's good, since so many things can contribute to lack of appetite, including organs that just don't function well enough so the body wants food, and medications that cause nausea (her antidepressant?) Perhaps a different drug would work better.
My mother didn't have much of an appetite her last years, and it's not fun to have people badgering you to eat. I promised her I wouldn't do that. Fluids are the most important, and we'd encourage her to drink as much fluid as she could. She would drink a little nutritional drink, but not much. I brought her fresh fruit because she liked that. That gave her some energy and nutrition. Not enough, of course, but something. She kept losing weight.
I imagine your mother's dentures are uncomfortable, and she doesn't have much bone left to even "glue" them in with a fixing product. My dad had that problem, since he lost his teeth due to a health problem, when he was in his thirties. Without teeth, the bone deteriorates and there's nothing left to put hold the dentures in. That was a huge issue with dad, and contributed to his not wanting to eat.
That shouldn't affect your mother's drinking liquids, though, so there may be more to it than that.
Good luck with this tricky problem. I envision my kids worrying about this with me, as I've always had a touchy stomach, just like my mom. Meds of any kind can be a problem. Keep pushing the doctor to try different options, unless she is just at a point where he says her body doesn't want food. But it doesn't sound like she's at that point.
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My mother didn't have much of an appetite her last years, and it's not fun to have people badgering you to eat. I promised her I wouldn't do that. Fluids are the most important, and we'd encourage her to drink as much fluid as she could. She would drink a little nutritional drink, but not much. I brought her fresh fruit because she liked that. That gave her some energy and nutrition. Not enough, of course, but something. She kept losing weight.
I imagine your mother's dentures are uncomfortable, and she doesn't have much bone left to even "glue" them in with a fixing product. My dad had that problem, since he lost his teeth due to a health problem, when he was in his thirties. Without teeth, the bone deteriorates and there's nothing left to put hold the dentures in. That was a huge issue with dad, and contributed to his not wanting to eat.
That shouldn't affect your mother's drinking liquids, though, so there may be more to it than that.
Good luck with this tricky problem. I envision my kids worrying about this with me, as I've always had a touchy stomach, just like my mom. Meds of any kind can be a problem. Keep pushing the doctor to try different options, unless she is just at a point where he says her body doesn't want food. But it doesn't sound like she's at that point.
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Question
I am trying to balance a full time job and deal with my Mom also. I cry a lot, and miss my home. Is this norma...
Yes, it's normal. Very normal. But you have to start now with making choices, getting help, and setting boundaries or you'll just... Yes, it's normal. Very normal. But you have to start now with making choices, getting help, and setting boundaries or you'll just get sucked in farther. The money thing is tricky. My mother thought she could handle money, too, and ordered $1000 worth of magazine subscriptions (yes that is the right amount of zeros). She bought $4000 hearing aids she didn't need, because her friend got hearing aids. Her hearing loss was very minor, and she never wore them, but she wouldn't give them up in the return time. So we were stuck with that. That could have bought some professional care for her!
Cry. Even feel the hate. But then get some help for yourself if you can't get in a better place mentally, in a decent amount of time. Many caregivers end up needed anti-depressants and/or professional counseling, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
Don't accept the unearned guilt. Watch out for isolation. Get help handling your mom. You can't do all she wants - please her all the time - and carry a full time job. You may have to re-examine the decision to move in with her. If it just won't work for you, you may have to find a place nearby for you, and get some in-home care for your mother.
Don't let this destroy your own health. Get counseling if necessary. Please stand up for yourself sooner rather than later.
And keep coming back here for support. Just getting it out helps, and there are great people on this site who know what you are going through.
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Cry. Even feel the hate. But then get some help for yourself if you can't get in a better place mentally, in a decent amount of time. Many caregivers end up needed anti-depressants and/or professional counseling, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
Don't accept the unearned guilt. Watch out for isolation. Get help handling your mom. You can't do all she wants - please her all the time - and carry a full time job. You may have to re-examine the decision to move in with her. If it just won't work for you, you may have to find a place nearby for you, and get some in-home care for your mother.
Don't let this destroy your own health. Get counseling if necessary. Please stand up for yourself sooner rather than later.
And keep coming back here for support. Just getting it out helps, and there are great people on this site who know what you are going through.
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Question
How do you deal with a mother so mean and abusive?
Wonderful advice from all of you. That's what makes this group so special. It's amazing sometimes, what kind, but firm, questions... Wonderful advice from all of you. That's what makes this group so special. It's amazing sometimes, what kind, but firm, questions can accomplish, even with an elder with dementia.
Also, parents often "get" something, even when you don't think they will. I felt I had to see my mother at the nursing home every day, and do her "special things." After dementia and some other issues put her in occasional abusive moods, I'd struggled. One nurse said, "Just don't come tomorrow!" I couldn't imagine that. I just put up with it. But one time, I'd had enough. The next day, I just couldn't go up to see her. I didn't even call. Boy, when I visited the following day, she was sweet as pie. I learned something about standing up for myself that day (I'm still learning, a little at a time). see more
Also, parents often "get" something, even when you don't think they will. I felt I had to see my mother at the nursing home every day, and do her "special things." After dementia and some other issues put her in occasional abusive moods, I'd struggled. One nurse said, "Just don't come tomorrow!" I couldn't imagine that. I just put up with it. But one time, I'd had enough. The next day, I just couldn't go up to see her. I didn't even call. Boy, when I visited the following day, she was sweet as pie. I learned something about standing up for myself that day (I'm still learning, a little at a time). see more
Question
How do you deal with a mother so mean and abusive?
When someone is dying, people often make promises out of love or desperation. They also tell others they will, "never put them in a... When someone is dying, people often make promises out of love or desperation. They also tell others they will, "never put them in a nursing home." It's hard not to do this. For those who have not already done it - the best answer is, "I will always try to do my best for you, but we don't know the future, so I can't promise that."
You promised your dad under pressure. That is not a promise you have to keep, while putting your own health at risk. You need help, and you need to be able to walk away from abuse.
You and your husband both need to find some respite help, even if it's paid, so you can have time to reconnect, before this wrecks your marriage. Yes, you haven't had time to grieve. I know I didn't, and it wasn't until after my mother died that I was able to slowly go back and grieve them both. It's taken years.
Keep coming on the site. We can't fix your problems, but we can listen. Please do look at some outside help, and don't feel guilty. You are doing your human best. Don't wreck your health and marriage to honor a promise that you didn't know how not to make.
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You promised your dad under pressure. That is not a promise you have to keep, while putting your own health at risk. You need help, and you need to be able to walk away from abuse.
You and your husband both need to find some respite help, even if it's paid, so you can have time to reconnect, before this wrecks your marriage. Yes, you haven't had time to grieve. I know I didn't, and it wasn't until after my mother died that I was able to slowly go back and grieve them both. It's taken years.
Keep coming on the site. We can't fix your problems, but we can listen. Please do look at some outside help, and don't feel guilty. You are doing your human best. Don't wreck your health and marriage to honor a promise that you didn't know how not to make.
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Question
Mom is unrealistic about living alone. How can I get her to more receptive to other living arrangements?
First of all, unless she is so far into dementia that she is unable to make her own decisions, please remember that she has chosen this... First of all, unless she is so far into dementia that she is unable to make her own decisions, please remember that she has chosen this route. If she gets hurt, don't accept guilt for it. You have been trying to get her to make a better choice for her safety and she is not listening to you.
Is there a pastor or good freind that she trusts that could help convince her? Many times, aging parents won't accept advice from their "kids," because you are still their "kid." Period. But they will listen to a third party - a doctor, a friend, a social worker or a relgious leader. I push for third party advice often, as it can help the elder let go of that need to control and let them actually see that life could be better. A third party can open an elder's ears.
If things get desperate, you can call your county social services for a welfare check. They will likely force the issue, as she cannot take care of herself, and they will see that. She will be very angry, but you'll know you did what you had to do, and you'll have to detach from that anger the best you can.
Meanwhile, about taking care of yourself. Vent when you need to, with other caregivers (as you are). That does lighten the load. Educate yourself about what is available for your mother, within the community. Check with your local Area Agency on Aging. Get counseling for yourself, if guilt is ruining your quality of life. You can only do so much when a person refuses help.
Keep coming back and letting us know how your are doing.
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Is there a pastor or good freind that she trusts that could help convince her? Many times, aging parents won't accept advice from their "kids," because you are still their "kid." Period. But they will listen to a third party - a doctor, a friend, a social worker or a relgious leader. I push for third party advice often, as it can help the elder let go of that need to control and let them actually see that life could be better. A third party can open an elder's ears.
If things get desperate, you can call your county social services for a welfare check. They will likely force the issue, as she cannot take care of herself, and they will see that. She will be very angry, but you'll know you did what you had to do, and you'll have to detach from that anger the best you can.
Meanwhile, about taking care of yourself. Vent when you need to, with other caregivers (as you are). That does lighten the load. Educate yourself about what is available for your mother, within the community. Check with your local Area Agency on Aging. Get counseling for yourself, if guilt is ruining your quality of life. You can only do so much when a person refuses help.
Keep coming back and letting us know how your are doing.
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Question
How can I get my uncles to help my dad care for my grandmother?
You're feeling what most of us feel - isolation is one of the biggest points on your list and that is what drove me to stay plugging... You're feeling what most of us feel - isolation is one of the biggest points on your list and that is what drove me to stay plugging away at caregiver support after two decades of caregiving. You are experiencing a double loss with your own mother, as well - her friendship and her lack of help with her own mother.
This happens in so many families. They live in denial and they know you won't dump your grandma and so they don't feel guilty. The just figure you are complaining. They are "too busy" to help. Maybe they will do something some day. The human mind is so great at denial.
You must get help or you will have a mental and/or physical breakdown. I'd send out another email letting everyone know that since they are all too busy to help, you are going to hire an in-home care agency to help, and you will be having each of them billed, in turn.
They may or may not buy this (you likely can't legally do it) but it may help get your point across. If this doesn't work, contact your county social services. They have house cleaning and other help for those who qualify. Your state Department of Human Services (just get to your state level and someone will get you to the right department) also has government money for respite care, usually used by agencies in your area.
The bottom line is that you can't keep this up. You must get help. So, take a deep breath. Don't yell. Don't threaten. Just tell them this is what you are doing, because if you don't you could die.
Please keep us posted so we know how you are doing.
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This happens in so many families. They live in denial and they know you won't dump your grandma and so they don't feel guilty. The just figure you are complaining. They are "too busy" to help. Maybe they will do something some day. The human mind is so great at denial.
You must get help or you will have a mental and/or physical breakdown. I'd send out another email letting everyone know that since they are all too busy to help, you are going to hire an in-home care agency to help, and you will be having each of them billed, in turn.
They may or may not buy this (you likely can't legally do it) but it may help get your point across. If this doesn't work, contact your county social services. They have house cleaning and other help for those who qualify. Your state Department of Human Services (just get to your state level and someone will get you to the right department) also has government money for respite care, usually used by agencies in your area.
The bottom line is that you can't keep this up. You must get help. So, take a deep breath. Don't yell. Don't threaten. Just tell them this is what you are doing, because if you don't you could die.
Please keep us posted so we know how you are doing.
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Question
How can I cope with caregiving when I'm stressed to the max?
She will, you are right. You know, already, the results. As you say, no psychiatrist can tell you what you don't already know. It will... She will, you are right. You know, already, the results. As you say, no psychiatrist can tell you what you don't already know.
It will be up to you. But you can save some (unearned) guilt by making sure your county social services knows of her issues. There are guardian services available. Maybe you can set up a guardian service where the court decides what is best for her.
You will then have no control, but you will also be free of the need to do more than you choose or can. It's extreme, but you are in an extreme situtation. If she has no one who can take care of her without her abusing them, then that may be the only answer. You don't deserve this abuse. No one does. Please keep in touch and let us know what you do with the extreme situtation. You will help others stay strong.
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It will be up to you. But you can save some (unearned) guilt by making sure your county social services knows of her issues. There are guardian services available. Maybe you can set up a guardian service where the court decides what is best for her.
You will then have no control, but you will also be free of the need to do more than you choose or can. It's extreme, but you are in an extreme situtation. If she has no one who can take care of her without her abusing them, then that may be the only answer. You don't deserve this abuse. No one does. Please keep in touch and let us know what you do with the extreme situtation. You will help others stay strong.
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Question
How can I cope with caregiving when I'm stressed to the max?
Hi Newroc36, You have an extreme problem that may call for extreme measures. You may want to read my article on this site titled... Hi Newroc36,
You have an extreme problem that may call for extreme measures. You may want to read my article on this site titled "Caring for parents who didn't care for you." I talk about support groups, which this is. I know personally how hard it is to get away, which is why online support is so valuable.
I was also the "bad daughter" when many people saw my mother, as she covered her dementia so well that they couldn't understand why she was in a nursing home (dementia wasn't her only issue). But she covered so well as to make me look like I was lying. I was told by a nurse I knew well that when she was abusive, don't go the next day (to visit). I couldn't envision it. But once, when pushed too far, I did skip a day. I didn't even call. I just couldn't believe that this was my mother treating me like that. She was nice as pie the next day when I went in, so she well understood that she had crossed the line.
I'm not even beginning to compare my situation with yours, as yours is much, much worse. I'm just trying to relate to how bad it feels when others think you are bad, when you are giving up your life for her. In my article I write about having a legal guardian appointed to take care of affairs, when the family is this dysfunctional. There are guardian services out there. You can call your county adult social services for a referal.
People will think you are awful. Your mother will have a fit. But what you are doing will kill you. If you can't get her to go into assisted living where you can choose when (and if) to visit, you will become a statistic (30 % of the caregivers die before those they are caring for - could be higher). This isn't a place to waffle. Your life is wasting away. Again - this could kill you!
Your mother needs to be told by a third party that she needs assisted living or a nursing home, and that you are no longer giving her your life. If that means social services has to be involved, so be it. You are being abused. Call your social services for help.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. You must get outside help. Your one brother bailed because he can't deal with it. You are not bailing, if you get a guardian for her. You are putting her in professional hands because you can't do this by yourself.
Carol
You will get lots of emotional support with this group and I hope you keep talking. No one intends to be flip, but in the end, no one can solve your problem. Yo see more
You have an extreme problem that may call for extreme measures. You may want to read my article on this site titled "Caring for parents who didn't care for you." I talk about support groups, which this is. I know personally how hard it is to get away, which is why online support is so valuable.
I was also the "bad daughter" when many people saw my mother, as she covered her dementia so well that they couldn't understand why she was in a nursing home (dementia wasn't her only issue). But she covered so well as to make me look like I was lying. I was told by a nurse I knew well that when she was abusive, don't go the next day (to visit). I couldn't envision it. But once, when pushed too far, I did skip a day. I didn't even call. I just couldn't believe that this was my mother treating me like that. She was nice as pie the next day when I went in, so she well understood that she had crossed the line.
I'm not even beginning to compare my situation with yours, as yours is much, much worse. I'm just trying to relate to how bad it feels when others think you are bad, when you are giving up your life for her. In my article I write about having a legal guardian appointed to take care of affairs, when the family is this dysfunctional. There are guardian services out there. You can call your county adult social services for a referal.
People will think you are awful. Your mother will have a fit. But what you are doing will kill you. If you can't get her to go into assisted living where you can choose when (and if) to visit, you will become a statistic (30 % of the caregivers die before those they are caring for - could be higher). This isn't a place to waffle. Your life is wasting away. Again - this could kill you!
Your mother needs to be told by a third party that she needs assisted living or a nursing home, and that you are no longer giving her your life. If that means social services has to be involved, so be it. You are being abused. Call your social services for help.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. You must get outside help. Your one brother bailed because he can't deal with it. You are not bailing, if you get a guardian for her. You are putting her in professional hands because you can't do this by yourself.
Carol
You will get lots of emotional support with this group and I hope you keep talking. No one intends to be flip, but in the end, no one can solve your problem. Yo see more
Question
How can I cope with caregiving when I'm stressed to the max?
Yes, ChickPea, you're not done with the need for communication, yet. I've found that I've needed to keep it up, as caregiving... Yes, ChickPea, you're not done with the need for communication, yet. I've found that I've needed to keep it up, as caregiving became such a part of me. Sharing with others is just natural. You have more grieving to do, and you have a wealth of experience to share. We'll be watching for your input, and we hope you will continue to find comfort here.
Take care of yourself,
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Take care of yourself,
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Question
I am a young adult caring for their parents. My husband and I want to start a family; however, caregiving has...
You are right. It's very, very hard, but change has to start somewhere. Taking our lives back is harder than setting limits from the... You are right. It's very, very hard, but change has to start somewhere. Taking our lives back is harder than setting limits from the beginning, but caregiving tends to sneak up on us, and many of us get sucked in before we recognize what is happening. Then, it's really hard to backtrack.
In this case, al-anon could be a huge help, because of the alcoholism involved, but even without the alcoholism, people can get so sucked into giving their lives to caregiving that they have absolutely no life, themselves. Outside help is often needed.
Thanks so much for this tremendous input.
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In this case, al-anon could be a huge help, because of the alcoholism involved, but even without the alcoholism, people can get so sucked into giving their lives to caregiving that they have absolutely no life, themselves. Outside help is often needed.
Thanks so much for this tremendous input.
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Question
I am a young adult caring for their parents. My husband and I want to start a family; however, caregiving has...
Gina knows what she's talking about. Detaching with love, setting boundaries - and taking back your own life before you loose it. You... Gina knows what she's talking about. Detaching with love, setting boundaries - and taking back your own life before you loose it. You can care for others and still have a life. It will be hard at first, but as Gina says, it's worth it.
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How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
I'm sorry you had a bad experience. I do like to have several sites besides the government search at www.eldercare.gov, to tell people about and I like to hear the good and not good about them all. It helps people make decisions. Thanks so much for the information.
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