Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
Show:
Articles Question
Question
What's the best thing to help with skin breakdown?
Sometimes, all you can do is all you can do. If she won't let you help her, get the best products you can, do what you can. If she... Sometimes, all you can do is all you can do. If she won't let you help her, get the best products you can, do what you can. If she won't see a doctor will she let a nurse come in? Even then, she may not cooperate, but you will feel better. Some in-home agencies have nursing care.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How can you explain to an adult, that their father needs to be moved to a nursing home because he cannot be ca...
We've all had different experiences, so we come at things from different angles. I know there are way too many nursing homes that... We've all had different experiences, so we come at things from different angles. I know there are way too many nursing homes that aren't good. But there are many that are excellent.
That's where doing your homework comes in. I had five elders at one time to care for, with four dementias and heavy bodies that needed lifting, plus complicated medication. There would have been no way for me to care for five elders in my home (with two children, besides). I went from home to home while they were able to stay in their own homes, got in-home help and eventually nursing home help in an excellent home only three blocks from my house. I was there everyday for all of them. I took them to their doctor appointments and did everything I could do for them to make it like home. My mother-in-law did so much better at Rosewood than in her own apartment that it was amazing (she felt safe).
I'd never say that people only put someone in a nursing home for themselves. Some do, of course. But, often, it is the only safe alternative. It's the quality of the nursing home is what counts. Plus, the person who does share the care with a nursing home must be on top of things all the time, involved, and do everything possible to make it as much like home as possible.
Are nursing homes the perfect solution? No. It would be nice if that were not ever needed. But it be nice if hospitals weren't necessary, as well. However, they are.
My dad lived ten years at Rosewood, much beloved by staff. There was no way, after his failed brain surgery, we could have cared for him any other way. He died at peace, naturally, with his family.
There are horror stories about nursing homes. These places need to be shut down, or sold to people who will run them properly. There are far too many mediocre ones, as well. But there are many that are good. We can't pain them all with the same brush.
Again, it's about personal experience. We can't judge others when we don't know all of the facts. Getting the best care for the elder is what should be the main goal. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case. But, in my experience, generally people do want that. And they often find they can't give the best care themselves. Hooray for those who can make it work at home, but not everyone can.
Carol see more
That's where doing your homework comes in. I had five elders at one time to care for, with four dementias and heavy bodies that needed lifting, plus complicated medication. There would have been no way for me to care for five elders in my home (with two children, besides). I went from home to home while they were able to stay in their own homes, got in-home help and eventually nursing home help in an excellent home only three blocks from my house. I was there everyday for all of them. I took them to their doctor appointments and did everything I could do for them to make it like home. My mother-in-law did so much better at Rosewood than in her own apartment that it was amazing (she felt safe).
I'd never say that people only put someone in a nursing home for themselves. Some do, of course. But, often, it is the only safe alternative. It's the quality of the nursing home is what counts. Plus, the person who does share the care with a nursing home must be on top of things all the time, involved, and do everything possible to make it as much like home as possible.
Are nursing homes the perfect solution? No. It would be nice if that were not ever needed. But it be nice if hospitals weren't necessary, as well. However, they are.
My dad lived ten years at Rosewood, much beloved by staff. There was no way, after his failed brain surgery, we could have cared for him any other way. He died at peace, naturally, with his family.
There are horror stories about nursing homes. These places need to be shut down, or sold to people who will run them properly. There are far too many mediocre ones, as well. But there are many that are good. We can't pain them all with the same brush.
Again, it's about personal experience. We can't judge others when we don't know all of the facts. Getting the best care for the elder is what should be the main goal. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case. But, in my experience, generally people do want that. And they often find they can't give the best care themselves. Hooray for those who can make it work at home, but not everyone can.
Carol see more
Question
How can you explain to an adult, that their father needs to be moved to a nursing home because he cannot be ca...
They need to be educated in the facts and made to understand that it isn't their "failure," but it's the disease process,... They need to be educated in the facts and made to understand that it isn't their "failure," but it's the disease process, and that most people get to a place where a very fragile elder - especially one with dementia - needs more care than one person can give. The main thing is to keep assuring the person that it's not failure to get help. In many cases it's the right, most safe thing to do for the elder. Stress that they still will be a caregiver and an important part of the team.
Good luck with this. You are smart and experienced. Keep us posted.
Carol see more
Good luck with this. You are smart and experienced. Keep us posted.
Carol see more
Question
How do I fire my mom's caregiver?
Is there a "third party" that can handle this rather than family? As Austin said, if she is with an agency, it would be easier,... Is there a "third party" that can handle this rather than family? As Austin said, if she is with an agency, it would be easier, but I've got a sense she is not. Could you somehow bring doctor's orders into this - as in a different type of care is needed? This is touchy, since your mother likes her. Keep us posted on how it goes.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Why are elderly people afraid of being given baths or showers?
I like the music idea. There are so many elements involved here, some of which I mentioned when I wrote... I like the music idea. There are so many elements involved here, some of which I mentioned when I wrote
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-parents-who-wont-shower-or-change-clothes-133877.htm
But fear seems to top the list, whether it is sound, temperature, slipping, feeling lack of control (someone washing their hair with water running all over them) or just not understanding, it is a huge problem. There's not going to be any easy solution for everyone, but soothing music does sound like something worth trying.
Carol see more
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-parents-who-wont-shower-or-change-clothes-133877.htm
But fear seems to top the list, whether it is sound, temperature, slipping, feeling lack of control (someone washing their hair with water running all over them) or just not understanding, it is a huge problem. There's not going to be any easy solution for everyone, but soothing music does sound like something worth trying.
Carol see more
Question
I have to put my mother in a nursing home after being her caregiver for years. It breaks my heart. How do I...
Angela is correct. These options are often the best for the safety and health of the person you are caring for. Unless you have total... Angela is correct. These options are often the best for the safety and health of the person you are caring for. Unless you have total around-the-clock support, you can't continue on your own forever and give good care. But you must remain the advocate. Find a good facility and then be a visible part of the team (without being obnoxious). Be friendly, but let it be known you are there. You'll find that a good compromise, though the transition may be hard.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What is best, should I have my mom live with my family and me or move her to an assisted living facility?
Having a parent move in is a huge decision and depends entirely on your family situation and physical privacy issues. If there is any doubt... Having a parent move in is a huge decision and depends entirely on your family situation and physical privacy issues. If there is any doubt at all that this will work well, I'd suggest starting with a good assisted living center where you can be a large part of your mother's life and be her advocate. She will have peers to interact with, which is often an advantage. Often, when an elder moves in with family, they end up feeling left out of many things, as they can't physically keep up with the younger people, yet they don't have friends to do things with.
Naturally, there is no one right answer. For some, with everything in place, having a parent move in works wonderfully. But it's not easy, once you've done it, to move the person out. So, think it through, talk it through, and look at all the options.
Carol see more
Naturally, there is no one right answer. For some, with everything in place, having a parent move in works wonderfully. But it's not easy, once you've done it, to move the person out. So, think it through, talk it through, and look at all the options.
Carol see more
Question
Why are elderly people afraid of being given baths or showers?
Often it is about falling. Also, they tend to get cold easily, and the cool air around a shower or bath (warm) can be uncomfortable. It... Often it is about falling. Also, they tend to get cold easily, and the cool air around a shower or bath (warm) can be uncomfortable. It gets much more complicated when people have dementia. They often become fearful because they don't understand what you (or whomever) is trying to "do to them." Why is that water tumbling down in my face? Why are they holding my head down?
It often helps to start with sponge baths, talk gently, keep the room warm, explain step by step what you are doing, and other small things.
Don't forget that for some, it isn't fear, it's control. They can't control much anymore. Well, they can control the shower thing. Add to this the fact that they don't have the sense of smell and sight they once had, and perhaps have lost some of their social adaptation, so they don't find the showers necessary. You may want to read
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-parents-who-wont-shower-or-change-clothes-133877.htm
it is an article on this issue.
Carol see more
It often helps to start with sponge baths, talk gently, keep the room warm, explain step by step what you are doing, and other small things.
Don't forget that for some, it isn't fear, it's control. They can't control much anymore. Well, they can control the shower thing. Add to this the fact that they don't have the sense of smell and sight they once had, and perhaps have lost some of their social adaptation, so they don't find the showers necessary. You may want to read
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-parents-who-wont-shower-or-change-clothes-133877.htm
it is an article on this issue.
Carol see more
Question
I have to put my mother in a nursing home after being her caregiver for years. It breaks my heart. How do I...
Of course you are upset! You feel like you should be able to do it all. But you are doing what is best and safest for your mom. You are... Of course you are upset! You feel like you should be able to do it all. But you are doing what is best and safest for your mom. You are getting help, that is all. You've tried other ways and they aren't enough (or haven't worked, or don't work anymore). Please know you are doing what is best for Mom. You have honored her and continue to do so by getting her the best care possible. Stay close and help her through the transition. Be her advocate. You will eventually find that you enjoy each other more, since your visits won't be totally about health care.
Please keep checking in. This is a hard time for you, but you are doing the right thing. Keep a close eye to know she is getting the right care, but treat the staff as team members. Make friends with them. An antagonistic attitude doesn't help. You'll all be a team and help your mom.
Take care of you, too.
Carol see more
Please keep checking in. This is a hard time for you, but you are doing the right thing. Keep a close eye to know she is getting the right care, but treat the staff as team members. Make friends with them. An antagonistic attitude doesn't help. You'll all be a team and help your mom.
Take care of you, too.
Carol see more
Question
How do we try applying for medicaid to help pay nursing home when she makes too much w/ benefits to reduce VA...
Austin, hang in. Mitzipinki recognizes, as do I, that some of our phrases seem trite. "Easy for you to say, etc." But you do... Austin, hang in. Mitzipinki recognizes, as do I, that some of our phrases seem trite. "Easy for you to say, etc." But you do know we've all "lost it." Most of us have been through these red-tape nightmares, and most of us have seen the good, bad and ugly of people we hire. Some are angels, however. So don't give up. We don't like asking for help and appearing vulnerable, but we are, in fact human. Humans are meant to help each other. Take care and know you are in our hearts.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How do we try applying for medicaid to help pay nursing home when she makes too much w/ benefits to reduce VA...
Well said, Mitzi. There are trusts that work and those that don't. Everything needs to be set up just right. It's scary business,... Well said, Mitzi. There are trusts that work and those that don't. Everything needs to be set up just right. It's scary business, and people need to know who they are hiring.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
I stopped working to care for my aging Mother. Can I be reimbursed for the care?
I'd see a qualified estate attorney who knows CA laws and Medicare/Medicaid rules. Many states are now funding programs, with Federal... I'd see a qualified estate attorney who knows CA laws and Medicare/Medicaid rules. Many states are now funding programs, with Federal help, that can pay caregivers, but it's still not universal. At least check with your State Aging Services site and see where help may be available. Don't we all wish we lived in MA at this point?
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How do we try applying for medicaid to help pay nursing home when she makes too much w/ benefits to reduce VA...
Austin, my heart is breaking for you. Yes, life insurance (any cash value) is an asset in the eyes of Medicaid, therefore there is no... Austin, my heart is breaking for you. Yes, life insurance (any cash value) is an asset in the eyes of Medicaid, therefore there is no insurance left for those you got it for. Everything is an "asset."
The other thing is what you learned the hard way: Not every elder attorney or person who calls themselves an estate attorney is up on all of the intricacies of Medicaid. References are vital. Credentials are vital. Trust is vital. Even then, one can get an attorney that isn't as in tune with changes in Medicaid law as he or she should be. You want someone who specializes in estate work and Medicaid law, not someone to whom it is a side issue. Bad legal advice can, as you know, be worse than none. It's a tough world out there. Hang in and please do pass what you learn on to others. It will give you some satisfaction, anyway.
Carol see more
The other thing is what you learned the hard way: Not every elder attorney or person who calls themselves an estate attorney is up on all of the intricacies of Medicaid. References are vital. Credentials are vital. Trust is vital. Even then, one can get an attorney that isn't as in tune with changes in Medicaid law as he or she should be. You want someone who specializes in estate work and Medicaid law, not someone to whom it is a side issue. Bad legal advice can, as you know, be worse than none. It's a tough world out there. Hang in and please do pass what you learn on to others. It will give you some satisfaction, anyway.
Carol see more
Question
I stopped working to care for my aging Mother. Can I be reimbursed for the care?
You "fit in" totally. This particular topic many or may not suit you, though your input is great. Feel free to start a new topic,... You "fit in" totally. This particular topic many or may not suit you, though your input is great. Feel free to start a new topic, if you choose.
I'm glad you are making use of in-home care. Some of these agencies are wonderful. Home Instead has a good reputation, as do many others. This type of help works well for many.
It does cost money, but it is worth it for the sanity of the whole family. You remind me of some of the caregiving I did over the span of 20 years (total of seven people). I used nearly all of the help available at one time or another, though there is much more recognition of need now.
Welcome to the site. Browse topics or start your own. You've found a good place to share your wisdom and ask for support.
Carol see more
I'm glad you are making use of in-home care. Some of these agencies are wonderful. Home Instead has a good reputation, as do many others. This type of help works well for many.
It does cost money, but it is worth it for the sanity of the whole family. You remind me of some of the caregiving I did over the span of 20 years (total of seven people). I used nearly all of the help available at one time or another, though there is much more recognition of need now.
Welcome to the site. Browse topics or start your own. You've found a good place to share your wisdom and ask for support.
Carol see more
Question
I stopped working to care for my aging Mother. Can I be reimbursed for the care?
The government is getting wiser about this. Train the family or get in-home help as long as possible. Much cheaper than a nursing home. It... The government is getting wiser about this. Train the family or get in-home help as long as possible. Much cheaper than a nursing home. It takes time to change the focus, and each state has different rules, but this sounds like a great plan. Thanks mip86.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
I stopped working to care for my aging Mother. Can I be reimbursed for the care?
ItalianRlose, try http://www.pascenter.org/state_based_stats/medicaid_waivers_info.php?state=arizona There are lots of categories on the... ItalianRlose, try http://www.pascenter.org/state_based_stats/medicaid_waivers_info.php?state=arizona
There are lots of categories on the left side. If none of this fits, you may find links to other agencies that can help you. There's a link to their main state Web site, too.
Carol see more
There are lots of categories on the left side. If none of this fits, you may find links to other agencies that can help you. There's a link to their main state Web site, too.
Carol see more
Question
I stopped working to care for my aging Mother. Can I be reimbursed for the care?
Mass. is awesome!
Carol
Carol
Question
I stopped working to care for my aging Mother. Can I be reimbursed for the care?
It's very, very discouraging, I know. My heart is with you. But it's worth doing. Make sure it's the right agency, to begin... It's very, very discouraging, I know. My heart is with you. But it's worth doing. Make sure it's the right agency, to begin with, but your state aging services should be able to point you there.
Best of luck with this. It shouldn't be so hard, but it is, especially when you want to go back. You may need an attorney.
Carol see more
Best of luck with this. It shouldn't be so hard, but it is, especially when you want to go back. You may need an attorney.
Carol see more
Question
I stopped working to care for my aging Mother. Can I be reimbursed for the care?
This depends on your state, when you apply and with whom, how good your records are and a lot of other things. The best thing to do is see... This depends on your state, when you apply and with whom, how good your records are and a lot of other things. The best thing to do is see and elder attorney or an estate attorney - and make sure the attorney knows all the current Medicaid rules. You'll want everything in writing and done properly, and it gets complicated if you need to spend down the money to get someone on Medicaid. They are very picky how you do it. Check your state (type the name in your browser) along with "Medicaid waiver" - that may give you some additional information, as well.
Carol see more
Carol see more
How do I approach the subject of asking my father to wear depends?
Carol