Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can I handle my sister's harsh criticism of me for the way I care for our parents?
hymanflink, your ability to detach from your brother is essential and wise. When we can't get them to help, then we have to work on not... hymanflink, your ability to detach from your brother is essential and wise. When we can't get them to help, then we have to work on not letting their criticism bother us. Suhara, I know it's harder when they are there "helping" and criticizing. They aren't in your shoes. At least people here understand. That doesn't change your situation, but it helps.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
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Question
When my mother talks on the phone, she is far less confused and has better memory than normal. Why?
LOL! I think you'd have some "takers" with the trade.
Carol
Carol
Question
How can I handle my sister's harsh criticism of me for the way I care for our parents?
Suhara, your sister is mired in guilt and this is her way of handling it. She criticizes you. It's so sad and so common. Cat, as... Suhara, your sister is mired in guilt and this is her way of handling it. She criticizes you. It's so sad and so common. Cat, as always, has good advice. You are doing well with this, but you need to do your best to detach from your sister's hurtful remarks and do what is best along the way. Know that you aren't alone in this ugly situation. You are taking good care of your parents and juggling and amazing amount of work. Keep checking in. We can't fix it for you but you'll know your aren't alone.
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Question
How do I prepare for the inevitable - the death of my mom?
How wonderful that you have had such a good time with your mom, and that she will always be remembered by so many as the wonderful person... How wonderful that you have had such a good time with your mom, and that she will always be remembered by so many as the wonderful person she is.
I remember feeling that I couldn't stand losing my parents to death (such denial), but when they finally did pass, I knew they were ready to leave the trap of their very sick bodies. When the time comes, you'll grieve your mother's passing for a long time, but you'll have support from many, and you'll know that she wouldn't have wanted to continue to live so ill.
Hopefully, this time, they can pull her through. However, be prepared that these illnesses and hospitalization in general is very hard on elderly people. Some come out with mental issues brought on by the hospital stress and it can take time to return to a better state.
We're thinking of you,
Carol see more
I remember feeling that I couldn't stand losing my parents to death (such denial), but when they finally did pass, I knew they were ready to leave the trap of their very sick bodies. When the time comes, you'll grieve your mother's passing for a long time, but you'll have support from many, and you'll know that she wouldn't have wanted to continue to live so ill.
Hopefully, this time, they can pull her through. However, be prepared that these illnesses and hospitalization in general is very hard on elderly people. Some come out with mental issues brought on by the hospital stress and it can take time to return to a better state.
We're thinking of you,
Carol see more
Question
How do we keep from losing our life savings to Medicaid?
Cat is right. It's a process. Your local insurance department may be able to help. If there is a class action suit, they could likely... Cat is right. It's a process. Your local insurance department may be able to help. If there is a class action suit, they could likely tell you. It seems unfair that if you are willing to continue paying the premiums that you aren't allowed to do so. An attorney may be able to help. I'd contact everyone possible to see if this can be reversed. You aren't asking for anything that isn't yours - and you aren't asking for a handout. You just want to continue paying the premiums so that all those years aren't lost.
It won't be easy, and it is very emotional and draining, but the only other choice is to let it go. We'll be looking forward to seeing how you do and rooting you on.
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It won't be easy, and it is very emotional and draining, but the only other choice is to let it go. We'll be looking forward to seeing how you do and rooting you on.
Carol see more
Question
How do we keep from losing our life savings to Medicaid?
This is horrible. You paid all of those years in good faith. There should be a way to keep paying the premium. I agree that, since bail out... This is horrible. You paid all of those years in good faith. There should be a way to keep paying the premium. I agree that, since bail out funds were used, you should contact your Congressional delegates and see if there is some help.
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Question
How do I convince my mom that day care is the best type of care for her current condition?
You are right that respite will be hard on her, but it may be good in the long run. You and your family must have a life, too. You are... You are right that respite will be hard on her, but it may be good in the long run. You and your family must have a life, too. You are trying to care for your mom and find balance, which is very healthy. Try not to obsess over her during the vacation. Make sure the care is as good as you can get, that they know how to find you, and enjoy yourself. Are any of the day care caregivers the same as she'll have for respite?
If not, a suggestion may be to try to integrate her with the caregivers you intend to use for respite, first. Take your vacation and then look at day care when you come back.
You'll have to decide based on what is best for your family. All we can do is throw ideas out there. Good luck with this.
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If not, a suggestion may be to try to integrate her with the caregivers you intend to use for respite, first. Take your vacation and then look at day care when you come back.
You'll have to decide based on what is best for your family. All we can do is throw ideas out there. Good luck with this.
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Question
How do you help a person who has been sensory deprived for over 10 years?
Slow is the word. And be sensitive to fearful reactions. You likely should talk with a counselor about this so you know best how to help... Slow is the word. And be sensitive to fearful reactions. You likely should talk with a counselor about this so you know best how to help them. It's good of you to realize how difficult the re-entry into the world will be. A lot of people would think, "Oh, they will be thrilled." You are much smarter than that. I hope you find a professional who can guide you.
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Question
How do you help a person who has been sensory deprived for over 10 years?
It would be ideal is they could start gradually. A lot depends on what they were deprived of - sight? Daylight? Sound? Music? The social... It would be ideal is they could start gradually. A lot depends on what they were deprived of - sight? Daylight? Sound? Music?
The social aspects will be the hardest, I would guess. No "coming out" parties until The person is ready. Slow and sure with lots of support, I would think.
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The social aspects will be the hardest, I would guess. No "coming out" parties until The person is ready. Slow and sure with lots of support, I would think.
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Question
Will gifts or loans disqualify my parents for Medicaid?
Unfortunately, gifts and loans count, to the best of my knowledge. It is very frustrating to be where your folks are. You need to talk to... Unfortunately, gifts and loans count, to the best of my knowledge. It is very frustrating to be where your folks are. You need to talk to an estate attorney or elder attorney who knows Medicaid, but I think this will count. My heart breaks for you now. This is a very hard thing to be going through. Do check it out, however. I could be wrong.
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Question
How do I convince my mom that day care is the best type of care for her current condition?
I can't say it any better than Cat. Go slow. Let her know you are still there, but that she needs care you can't give all day. She... I can't say it any better than Cat. Go slow. Let her know you are still there, but that she needs care you can't give all day. She will fight it for awhile, but most elders get so they enjoy it once they adjust. Cat's question about her social personality before dementia is very good. Some of us (I'm one of them) aren't very social to begin with. That makes this type of thing harder. But it's worth a try. If she used to be social, she will adjust better, once she realizes you won't be cowed by guilt and that you are doing what is best for both of you.
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Question
What can I do to help the stress of caregiving on my marriage?
You may want to read this article https://www.agingcare.com/articles/balancing-elder-care-with-other-relationships-133603.htm though... You may want to read this article https://www.agingcare.com/articles/balancing-elder-care-with-other-relationships-133603.htm though it's more for your husband than you.
I know your husband feels he needs to do what he is doing, but it is affecting your marriage and that is not what his father would want. There are so many good care options, where your husband can still be part of the care team. He should be touring assisted living and/or nursing homes and finding the best one available, because even if he doesn't need to move his dad now, he may have to in the future and it's best to know what is available. Some homes are dreadful, but some are wonderful and elders find safety and a social network with peers.
If his father is not living with you, perhaps in-home agency care would free him to have more time with you. He needs to look at options. Adult day care is another one. I hope you can get him to understand what this is doing to your marriage.
Carol see more
I know your husband feels he needs to do what he is doing, but it is affecting your marriage and that is not what his father would want. There are so many good care options, where your husband can still be part of the care team. He should be touring assisted living and/or nursing homes and finding the best one available, because even if he doesn't need to move his dad now, he may have to in the future and it's best to know what is available. Some homes are dreadful, but some are wonderful and elders find safety and a social network with peers.
If his father is not living with you, perhaps in-home agency care would free him to have more time with you. He needs to look at options. Adult day care is another one. I hope you can get him to understand what this is doing to your marriage.
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Question
When my mother talks on the phone, she is far less confused and has better memory than normal. Why?
Wow, what a fantastic doctor! Can they clone him/her?
Carol
Carol
Question
What supplements can you use when your elderly loved one will not eat?
For absorption purposes, liquid vitamins are best. Eniva (Eniva.com) has a protein that has a little taste and is used in baby formulas, so... For absorption purposes, liquid vitamins are best. Eniva (Eniva.com) has a protein that has a little taste and is used in baby formulas, so that could be mixed with ice cream or other things. There are many powdered proteins, but you’ll need to find one that isn’t bitter.
One thing to consider - how is your grandmother's overall health? If she is late stage Alzheimer's or cancer, her body may not want food as her organs are shutting down. But if she is reasonably healthy, but has no appetite, certainly encouraging her to eat is good. Don't badger, though. That will make it worse.
I'd put fresh fruit around, easy to eat types like strawberries and blueberries. Light food generally goes down better than meat and potatoes. Puddings (maybe with added protein) can be good. Cancer sites often have good suggestions, including the one on this HealthCentral.com site.
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One thing to consider - how is your grandmother's overall health? If she is late stage Alzheimer's or cancer, her body may not want food as her organs are shutting down. But if she is reasonably healthy, but has no appetite, certainly encouraging her to eat is good. Don't badger, though. That will make it worse.
I'd put fresh fruit around, easy to eat types like strawberries and blueberries. Light food generally goes down better than meat and potatoes. Puddings (maybe with added protein) can be good. Cancer sites often have good suggestions, including the one on this HealthCentral.com site.
Carol see more
Question
When my mother talks on the phone, she is far less confused and has better memory than normal. Why?
It's most likely adrenaline. One of the biggest frustrations of hands-on caregivers is to get visitors and others (even on the phone)... It's most likely adrenaline. One of the biggest frustrations of hands-on caregivers is to get visitors and others (even on the phone) who seldom see the elder - even doctors - to "get it." The elder gets so excited when talking with someone they haven't seen for awhile that they seem quite normal. Then, when it's over, they crash and it's your problem.
My mother covered her dementia like a wizard. People who talked to her occasionally on the phone or people who visited every few weeks wondered why we said she had dementia. I suffered greatly from the "bad daughter syndrome." It's humiliating and infuriating to find that your efforts to care for your mother in the best way possible are viewed as suspect by others. If they'd just stick around awhile, they would see what you see.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but unfortunately, it's not unusual.
Take care,
Carol see more
My mother covered her dementia like a wizard. People who talked to her occasionally on the phone or people who visited every few weeks wondered why we said she had dementia. I suffered greatly from the "bad daughter syndrome." It's humiliating and infuriating to find that your efforts to care for your mother in the best way possible are viewed as suspect by others. If they'd just stick around awhile, they would see what you see.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but unfortunately, it's not unusual.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Can Medicare sue me if my mom falls in our home, she has been living with us for 4+ years?
Great answer, Cat. That worry switch! People fall in nursing homes, assisted living centers, day cares and out on the sidewalk. Unless... Great answer, Cat. That worry switch!
People fall in nursing homes, assisted living centers, day cares and out on the sidewalk. Unless there is negligence, there shouldn't be any reason for any kind of lawsuit. Do what we will, older people will fall. That said, if you are truly worried, talk with an attorney. But your mother fell in her "own home." That happens.
Take care,
Carol see more
People fall in nursing homes, assisted living centers, day cares and out on the sidewalk. Unless there is negligence, there shouldn't be any reason for any kind of lawsuit. Do what we will, older people will fall. That said, if you are truly worried, talk with an attorney. But your mother fell in her "own home." That happens.
Take care,
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Question
How do you handle things if there is no will when someone passes away?
The estate will generally go into probate court. Yes, see an attorney at once, and do as they advise. Everyone needs a will, but so many... The estate will generally go into probate court. Yes, see an attorney at once, and do as they advise. Everyone needs a will, but so many people don't write one since they don't "have much." But as you can see with Kearly, this can still cause huge problems within families. That said, you are working from the other end. So, get legal help. It will be worth it.
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Question
How do I approach the subject of asking my father to wear depends?
Yes, calling them pads or underwear or anything but diapers is vital. How would we like it? It's about dignity. You people are... Yes, calling them pads or underwear or anything but diapers is vital. How would we like it? It's about dignity. You people are terrific!
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Question
How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
I hope you can get some help from an estate attorney. Since she didn't have a will, and you can prove that your sister and you did the... I hope you can get some help from an estate attorney. Since she didn't have a will, and you can prove that your sister and you did the caregiving, you may have a chance. Good luck with this. We all know what would be fair, but without a will, it's hard to tell what could be done. Anyway, an attorney is needed here.
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What should I do if my husband wants to move his abusive mom in with us and now we are arguing a lot?
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